Operation Beautiful follow up post.

by

subtitle: I havent forgotten the questions you left me in the comments.

Did you tell your daughter what you were doing? Or is she too young (I don’t have kids yet)?

I want to hear more about what you talked to your daughter about (during Operation Beautiful). She is the same age as my daughter.

Ever since I regaled you with how the Tornado & I blanketed Austin with missives of love the two comments above have been on my mind.

(*here’s where you may wanna settle in & get comfy although Im gonna try NOT to yammer as I’d rather hear your thoughts*)

One of my struggles as a mother is fighting the urge to over-answer my daughter’s questions.

I need to repeatedly remind myself to only answer what she’s asking me & not launch into a rant giving her way more info than she’s remotely interested in hearing.

It isnt even that she’s not ready for some of the stuff about which I long to ramble—-it’s freakin boring for her & not what she wants to know.

It was with that as a backdrop I worked to allow our conversations during Operation Beautiful to merely unfold.

I focused on letting her be my guide and ask all the questions.

And then I answered precisely what she’d asked.

(I resisted the urge to launch into a tirade about make-up/women feeling pressure to wear it in order to be seen as beautiful and the media’s standardized image of beauty and women feeling pressure to be skinny and….)

She, of course, immediately wanted to know what we were doing and why (“leaving notes for people that we hope will make them smile!”).

We talked about how everyone wakes up in a grumpy mood some days (good G-d she knows that feeling well) & how hearing nice things can brighten up a grumpy day & make us feel happy again.

I asked her what kinds of things made her happy (“HUGS!  SPLASH DAY! POP-A-SICLES!”) and then allowed myself a mini-ramble about how words—like ours on the notes— can be a form of written hug (insert Toddler eyeroll here).

Then she wanted the nitty gritty.

The WHAT WE WERE SAYING WHICH WOULD CAUSE PEOPLE TO SMILE.

And yeah.

It was here I almost began to stammer a bit.

You see, in her literal three year old mind beauty is all looks.

Appearance.

External.

To her beauty is about the superficial that, IMO, Operation Beautiful is working to avoid.

And then I remembered that in her amazing sans-judgment unconditional positive regard three year old mind everyone is beautiful—-unless they are overtly mean or cruel.

So that’s what we talked about.

How some days people are tired (*mama raises hand*) or grumpy or just plain ole sad and need reminding that they are beautiful and great and ENOUGH even if the reminding comes from a stranger.

(Insert mini-lecture here about Judaism & the fact that anonymous ‘giving‘ is the highest form.  About how we can do nice things for people & not need recognition.)

And that was really it.

I can tell she got it (in her own way) by how she’s behaved since that day.  Ive watched her make time to say nice things to friends & strangers in a way she didn’t before.

I think I did ok as far as not giving her too much information that day and sparking the (some days inevitable) GreatMamaTuneOut.

Now you.

Talk to me.

Did you have your own Operation Beautiful day?  Got any stories to share?

Do you have your own Tornado(s)?  Have you attempted to explain this concept to them yet?

Do you have any recollections of *similar* conversations/experiences with your parents when you were young? Got any tips to send my way?

Please to hit us all up in the comments.

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Comments

  1. my favorite post. I love learning more about you & T as I SOOOO relate with A., and it really helps to know that I’m not alone in questioning myself on what to say (did that make sense?). I admit to overthinking/analyzing sometimes when all is wants is an answer, but i get nervous that I might be somehow not saying enough/confusing/planting my own ideas in her head. Oy. Thank you so much for sharing this. I heart that pic of T!!!

  2. I am lucky to have had a mother that was wonderful at handling these sorts of things. Our conversations were always interesting to me and as I look back I can see that is because she kept them age/development level appropriate.

    But not only that, she is the biggest anonymous giver I have ever laid eyes on. I watched her turn people’s days around and she never ever would have wanted praise. As an adult I am constantly being struck by how many lessons in human kindness she taught me and never uttered a word.

    Your daughter will have the sentiment of Operation Beautiful with her, her whole life. As well as all of the other wonderful lessons you are giving her.

  3. I like reading about your interactions with the Tornados…it feels almost like I’m getting a chance to cheat a bit at motherhood and learn lessons without having to live through them 😉 Love her list of things that make her happy- I like Pop-a-sicles too 😉

  4. I could take up your whole comment area with my life experience.

    Suffice it to say my mom needed someone to do an entire Operation YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL on her and some days I still hear that voice in my head.

    I really like how you parallel words to hugs—VERY COOL.

  5. I don’t have kids yet although I babysit all the time still and you are so right!

    I hadn’t thought about how literal my little charges are before 🙂

    Everything is “sooo pretty” or “soooo beautiful” and sometimes in my 25 year old eyes is soooo isnt LOL!

  6. Have I mentioned that I don’t do well with children? I think this may be why. I love to over answer. That’s why I only teach adult swim lessons. Adults like to know the why and how of technique; kids just like to do. This is the first time that I’ve seen it out in that way, though.

    FFF, I’m completely jealous of your experience; my mom wasn’t very good at answering these kinds of questions. In fact, as we’ve both grown older, I find that I sometimes fill that role for her.

  7. I’m still putting up stickers. People are still removing them. The only one that lasted more than a day was at the gym, and that one stayed up a couple of weeks.

    The one I put up at McD’s didn’t last an hour.

    There’s a lesson here.sigh. I think youre right…

  8. I am more a reader than commenter but wanted to say that I really needed this!

    My eight year old is already in the PRETTY/NOT PRETTY stage (is that a stage? :)) and I am going to use your explanation about words being like a hug (and the inverse about how cruel them can be) with her today.

    thank you Miz!!!

  9. THANK YOU FOR SPREADING THE OPERATION BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE, Miz Fit! I hope your readers are inspired by you and participate! I would love to see some more notes and stories of mothers posting with their children!

    thanks for stopping by Caitlin~ you KNOW I have some tricks up my lackofsleeves for BlogHer as well 🙂

  10. My childhood was like Bea’s and Jamie.
    My own mother was so filled with body-loathing that no Operation would have helped.

    (Believe me she tried the ‘operations’ and I tried to and try to tell her she does not need them)

    I remember you tweeting once that if you practice what you preach there is no need to preach.

    There is your greatest gift to your daughter IMO.

  11. I LOVE YOU EARLY RISIN’ PEEPS.

    oh.

    never mind 🙂 I forget the timesone things and it could be afternoon where you are.

    regardless..

    so many thoughts even from these few comments.

    I did say that I try to practice what I preach and then theres no need to say a word—-and that’s totally what Im trying to do with the Tornado.

    and yet sometimes we need to be a woman warrior and take up where other women simply can not yet.

    I pray that she does grow to be so overflowing with self-acceptance she can spread the word daily through her actions.

    and, should she wanna, Post-It notes 😉

    off to take on my morning.

  12. I am Catholic and have always been drawn to Judaism.

    I know it isn’t the point of your post yet I found the link really interesting about giving anonymously to an unknown recipient being the highest form of charity.

  13. I just have a related story – last month when my best friend and her 7 year old daughter were visiting, I was telling them about the Cake Wrecks site (linked on my blog if you haven’t seen it) and the ugly cakes on it. Theresa wanted to see them, so we sat together and scrolled through the wedding cakes – she thought each and every cake was pretty! I got a lesson that day – “eye of the beholder” and bright colors and hey, it’s CAKE – all good in the eyes of a 7 year old!

  14. Perhaps it was because I struggled with my weight/appearance, and self image so much while my daughters were small, that I tried to show them the beauty and “prettiness” in everything.

    We often talked about how to describe people using character words rather than appearance words, and I always focused on loving them for who they were rather than what they did or looked like.

    They are teenagers now, and are both loving, nonjudgemental and so far, aren’t hung up on body image.

  15. Operation beautiful has transformed more into a pay it forward here in our home, with all 3 children ages 14(DS), 10(DD) & 5(DS) participating. We make a basket of “stuff” each week and find someone whose day needs brightening, been having a rough time and drop and run. All anonymous.

    We make things like bookmarks, pot holders, and tissue paper flowers. We bake things like cookies, breads and a meal for them that night. Place all in our homemade baskets we made with a notebook full of positive things. What we like about them (again this is anonymous so no names are signed), positive encouraging quotes. Pictures we find that are uplifting are attached as well.

    It is really evolving into an awesome thing and the kids are doing a lot of it themselves, picking the person and making the crafts. They really enjoy it and it is teaching them to love others.

    We have done a basket for people we have met that did not know, in dr’s office that was going through a hard time and we found out where they lived and dropped a basket at their door. Kids thought THAT was the best. We happen to be able to sit across the street at the park and watch and the smile on this persons face was absolutely priceless and heart warming.

  16. I can only hope if I ever have children I have already conquered the negative voice in my head so that I do not pass it on to them.

    I need to do an Operation Beautiful day for myself in my home! 🙂

  19. I think you handled it really well with your daughter. I don’t have kids so I can’t really talk, but I love how you let her be your guide and went from there.

  20. miz, i think you dealt with that great! (i think that’s bad englsih, but i’m too tired to fix) i don’t have kids, and i can’t really recall any conversations like that with my mom… but it’s interesting when i’ve spent some time now with younger kids, how I think (and watch what i say) differently. if i bring that more into my life that’d probably be better!!

  21. Wow. I wasn’t going to post, but reading everyone elses experiences was awesome. And, how Trish and her kids transformed this into helping others with homemade gifts.
    I love that you get us thinking about all aspects of health. This is why your site is so popular and why we keep coming back.
    So, note to the readers of MF blog – if you question how there are so many replies here and not to your blog…keep this all in mind 🙂

  23. I’m feeling sappy this morning and totally choked up at your use of the phrase WOMAN WARRIOR.

    You are our warrior.

    Thank you for leading the way.

  24. Amazing post. As a non-parentalmale I feel like these insights are beyond valuable as I know one day I could end up a parentalmale, and being responsible for helping shape a worldview and mindset is a terribly frightening prospect.

  25. I love that picture.
    It says it all for me.
    As a father I worry about my daughters tremendously in this beauty obsessed climate.

  26. rolling on the handheld so I cant find link but I have been fascinated by all the studies linking father/daughter relationships with healthy body image.

    Fathers can have such a GREAT HAND in all this as well.

    more when Im at computer…

  27. Love this! And totally agree with the keep it short and simple. I work hard at that with my kids as well, as I tend to get too detailed in explanations. So I agree the best is to follow their lead and give just enough info and then see if they ask for more.

    At my daughters school they talk about being a “bucket filler” (giving kind words and actions) there are these wonderful notes all around the school asking “have you filled someone’s bucket today?” Love that one.

    Your Operation Beautiful sounds like a wonderful adult bucket filler!

  28. My son is 5 and he seems to have a problem remembering names. I asked him if he knew the name of the little boy he was playing with on the playground. He said no. I told him it’s nice to learn somebody’s name so that you can use it when you speak to them. He wanted to know why. I just said, “becuase it’s polite.” I feel like that answer could have been a lot more complicated, but I tried to keep it simple.

  29. I love when those talks with our kids come like that. Sometimes they ask the most insightful questions and we have a beautiful discussion (like the other day when we passed a cemetery and had a wonderful talk about what happens when we die). Of course other times they ask things like “Can I poop on the neighbor’s tree?” and then scream for 10 minutes when I say no. Love the Tornado. And her operating-beautiful mama!

  31. Interesting & helpful for me. My toddler isn’t questioning yet, since he’s still trying to master two word combinations, but he will in no time, I’m sure. I’ll remember to fight the urge to over answer.

  32. I can’t make it to BlogHer and was wondering if there will be a podcast of your panel about blogs and body image?

  33. Words ARE hugs!

    One of the things that scares me most about having kids (not that I ever will- but I’ve got two baby cousins now so that’s the equivalent!) is that I would have such a tough time answering those kinds of questions. My mum did such a good job of it for me that I didn’t even really think about insecurities regarding beauty until I was in junior highish. I don’t think that I’d be able to replicate that kind of carefree attitude, unfortunately.

    By the way, where did you get those shirts??

  34. My at home kids are in their teens, so it’s a whole different dialog… And I could very easily launch into a huge lecture here on their take on all this (and they’re almost polar opposites from each other) and add my two cents, but I’m off to the zoo with one of the girls now 🙂

  35. “And then I answered precisely what she’d asked.” this also works for the sex talks too! as a mom of a 10yr. old boy and 7 yr old girl the questions can be very different. That was my first thought.

    My second, how much care you put into your life. Thank you.

  36. Go Mini Miz! What a total star!! I absolutely ADORE that UPR little people have for their worlds and the people in them – oh if ONLY we could retain that magical way of being. I learnt a lot today Miz…..thanks

    (Oh and FYI YES I did say those words – verbatim – to the doofus at my gym re towel….I PROMISE I DID!!!)

  37. I loved this and your first post.
    I also agree with #21 and come here to read for my mind spirit and BODY.

  38. I am as yet without child, but your point about trying not to over-answer the Tornado’s questions really struck me. I know even before having a kid that that would be something I would have to consciously avoid, since I have to cut myself off even just blogging! I think the approach you’ve taken with her is amazing!

  39. What struck me is how right you are.

    My five year olds definition of beauty is more NOT MEAN than skinny pretty 😉

  40. I hope that one day when I have a kid, I can be as amazing a Mom as you are. I think what you taught her through that exchange is a wonderful and *beautiful* thing. ^_^

  41. quick peek from my handheld @ park.

    Sagan? The tees are from Target.

    I did wanna add that I am totally a mom who has already made a bazillion mistakes and is quite confident she’ll make more.

    Just doing the best I can and sharing what I learn along the way.

    Perhaps I should share my LESSFINEMOMENTS on fridays!

  42. Great post, Miz.

    Interesting to hear how you handled the Tornado’s questions…. sounds like you’re doing very well in that regard.

    Have a happy day!

  43. We had a talk recently (4yr old tornado now) about how some people have legs and some people don’t. How some people have “different” looking faces, or no ears, or no hair, or spots on their skin, or 12 fingers, but we are all PEOPLE and have feelings. About how we should be nice to everyone whether they have legs or not, and how we should not go up and say HEY YOU DON’T HAVE AN ARM. She got it and it very accepting of differences at this point. Thank goodness.

  45. Love the way you explained the reason(s) for operation beautiful to the toddler.

    It took me a while to figure out how to answer JUST the question asked with my eldest son. The questions he asked let me know what part he was ready to understand. By the time child #3 was born, I had it down. And now that they’re all getting older, I’m having to get used to answering in complete ideas again… any answers too short & simple get an eye roll and the two (or more) syllable “mom”.

  46. My mom, who I adore, preached self-acceptance and love but practiced self-judment and insecurity. Unfortunately, I do think this was the root of the eating disorder problems I had. (Hey, every parent makes mistakes.) Many years later, after I successfully shed the ED problems, she was telling me about a colleague of hers whose daughter was struggling with ED and asked me what I thought her colleague could do. I wish I had told her that the single most important thing a mom could do would be to not judge her own body, her daughter’s bodies, or other women’s bodies. Love the strength and freedom that comes from our bodies, focus on what they can DO rather than how small it is or what shape it is.

    So, long story short, I’m happy to hear about this. Hopefully this will spread and the next generation of girls and women will be much happier and healthier.

  47. Hanna? I kinda like this idea:

    I need to do an Operation Beautiful day for myself in my home!

    it’s the old LoveNoteToSelf on bathroom mirror notion.

    I can’t make it to BlogHer and was wondering if there will be a podcast of your panel about blogs and body image?

    I *think* the answer to that is no—but Ill check.
    there is, however, something exciting in the works linked to the panel to which you can all JOIN IN….

    and this:

    My mom, who I adore, preached self-acceptance and love but practiced self-judgment and insecurity.

    so, so, so the norm huh?
    it is the practice what you preach and theres no need to preach.
    HARD TO DO indeed….

  48. That Tornado has internalized your lesson to everyday life is fantastic.

    I do acts of kindness as they crop up – giving people the extra money they need at checkout, or putting it on my tab, handing out an extra meal [all ingredients] to some family on a street corner, etc … I’ve tutored to help folks better themselves.

    Up at the observatory, I treat all children or adults with questions with respect and give them my full attention. I answer as best I can, passing on my joy and knowledge freely and happily. I show folks how to use the telescope and let them try. I teach them constellations and show them the spectacles in the skies above us. For a little while we share the wonders of the universe, our common human bonds and enjoy each other’s company. I never make them feel small. I never make their questions ridiculous. Asking is wise. Seeking is wise. What I get back is at least fulfilling a few moments of their lives. It is pitch black, so we can’t see each other’s faces. So the only evident beauty is in the heavens and in the personality speaking with us. Patience, respect and an exchange of interest in each other is where true beauty lies. At any rate, in the darkness everyone’s true beauty and/or uglieness is revealed in who they are, not how they look.

  49. Whatever you are doing, it is good! My parents were really not share & talk people so I never really learned this thru the home. I think even if you are a parent & don’t feel too great about yourself, “acting it” to teach your child how to love themselves is a good thing & maybe along the way, you will feel better about yourself while you help your child.

    Keep on doing what you are doing.. you are helping your daughter & all of us at the same time!

    I LOVED THIS! “I can tell she got it (in her own way) by how she’s behaved since that day. I’ve watched her make time to say nice things to friends & strangers in a way she didn’t before.”

    THX Carla!

  50. I have never heard of Operation Beautiful before this post (new reader).

    I’m joining in this week with messages at work.

  51. I love this whole thing and I second the idea of creating an Operation Beautiful in my own home.

    I have a closer relationship with my father b/c I always saw my mother as judgemental towards bodies (esp her own). She was on every diet under the sun and I don’t think I’ve ever known her not to be on a diet of sorts.

    My dad on the other hand is about health and strength. We talk gym sessions and weights and moderation. This is my support. When my mother asks me about my gym sessions, I know she’s all about weight and exterior and I feel low. When my dad asks, I brag about the weights I’m working with or the number of pushups and I feel strong.

  52. alone the lines of an Op.Beautiful in the house my daughter has a mirror in her room etched with the words:

    I LOVE ME.

    across the top.

    She can’t read it yet, but…

  53. The “I love me” mirror?

    I.WANT

    Reckon it would be a little weird on a wedding registry though …

    It’s funny – I encourage friends to do this but me? I don’t do it and I need to.

  54. Wow, I love to read how thoughtfully you interact with the Tornado… the care with which you take HER needs into account when you explain things rather than indulging the adult desire to pontificate.

    I hear so many parents casually saying all kinds of potentially damaging things to/around kids with ever taking into account their audience–just their own desire to be the center of attention.

    Thanks for sharing that conversation!

  55. I think you did it just right, and I love how she’s changed her behavior… Children imitate much more than they listen! One day when I’m a mama, I’ll hit you up for advice all the time, believe me!

  57. I love that your little Tornado has already incorporated the main lesson! How awesome!

    I read a great tip once that I’ve always tried to follow — I think it was in relation to talking to children about God, or sex, or I can’t remember what, but the point was the same: Kids want to hear how it affects THEM.

    The example given was if a child asks “What is a chair?” he/she doesn’t want to know about the wood, and the structure, and how long chairs have been made in history, and by whom … (that would be my usual answer! ha, ha …). They want to hear “It’s something you can sit on.” — How it relates to them and how they can use it.

    I’ve used the “chair” tip for years when trying to answer complex (or sometimes simple!) questions from my three kids.

    It sounds like you did great!

    Awesome job, MizFit. … (as usual)

  58. Miz — love the way you talk to your daughter! *implants to memory for the sake of her future, maybe in ten years, children*

    By the way, have you heard of Margaret Cho’s “beautiful” campaign? Or her “coming out beautiful” slogan? It’s kinda like Operation Beautiful except she ascribes beauty to herself. Her point is that after yearning for so long to be considered slim enough and pretty enough by other people, she just decided to call herself beautiful and believe it. I love it.

  59. God bless you for being sensitive to the tune out. It took my mom a WHILE to figure that one out! Way to be a good mommy!

  60. Geez…I wanted that mirror also and ya’all beat me to it. It’s currently out of stock! AND there are more than just a few women, I noticed that need a “loveme” day for themselves…hmmm!

    What’s the underlying message are we hearing?

    I live with guys…how do you pull off an operation “love me” day without looking like a freak? (I have teens)

    Any advice/tips/ideas would be greatly appreciated.

    Have an excellent day
    Nikki from Canada

  61. P.S.

    How do you help boys (teens specifically in my case) understand that THEY are enough?

    Boys/teens often get overlooked and in the last few years, I’ve noticed that they too have low self-esteem and are constantly comparing themselves and their worth to others.

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