What’s in your gun?

by

This is a conversation which started over on my Facebook page and one Ive still not been able to get out of my mind.

Actually, it started long before that (this is your cue to wriggle around & get comfy in your chair.  while this post shall be mercilessly brief there is lottsa navel-gazing coming your way).

I was snarfing sushi and talking BRAVO TV debating current affairs with a group of friends when the subject of nature versus nurture came up.

Some of us weighed in heavily on the notion of nurture being everything, while others firmly believed that nature predetermined everything from temperament to scholastic ability.

Me? Im an opinionated one and fall firmly into the camp (there’s a camp right?) which believes genetics loads the gun, but environment pulls the trigger.

It is a line I’ve pondered frequently as the Tornado gets older and faces the onslaught of potential negativity that peer groups & media may provide.

It’s a line I’ve pondered frequently as Ive watched friends struggle with anxiety & depression and wondered exactly what the Tornado’s gun contains.

It’s a line, to the surprise and disagreement of many of my friends, I find to be both uplifting and inspiring.

As a parent I can’t help but worry about my daughter.

Will she be happy? Will she struggle? Will she experience the pain of bullying? Depression?

As a result I find great comfort in choosing to view our life together through the lens of she may be genetically predisposed for certain issues or ailments, but I can create an environment which may STOP this predisposure from becoming reality.

It gives me hope that:

  • By practicing (& not preaching) she will choose to live her life in a healthy fashion.
  • By trying to be the best adult role-model I can she will choose to create a healthy & supportive adult-environment of her own.
  • By teaching her even INACTION is a choice she will choose to create a life of purpose, intention and health.
  • By sharing with her my genetic blueprint and showing her how I’ve managed to change facets of it she will realize our ‘gun,’ while loaded, can be semi-dismantled, managed and worked around.

Which brings me back my question to the others that day:

Do you read the quote as I do and choose to see it as empowering?

Or do you, as the majority of my friends did, find the line depressing and frustrating due to how little control we have over both the gun and our environment?

Please to (holster yer guns and) hit us all up in the comments.


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Comments

  1. Wow what a great post Miz Carla. While it is a wee bit scary I overall find it empowering, especially reading those three hopeful bullet points of yours. If I ever have a child I will print that out and slather it all over the house!

  3. I haven’t heard this before, but I think I am more with your friends here Miz.

    Many days I feel like my bullets in my gun limit my life.

  4. I remember the first time you said you practiced and did not preach.

    I work to do that with my twins now too.

  5. I think the genetics give you the road map to chart your course. There are plenty of things that you can fight your genetics over, heart disease, depression, weight… It won’t be easy but knowing that you are predisposed gives you the opportunity to come up with a good plan for preventing early heart attack, suicide, etc.
    I don’t think a person doomed because of genetics.

    • I dont.

      Im a misfit 😉 but you can friend me under my name: Carla Birnberg.

      Let me know youre a blog reader when you do!

  7. I will say it again – you have the most amazing parenting savvy I’ve ever seen. I love your plan.

    I see the quote the way you do, primarily because I’ve experienced it in action. Personal choices are keeping me upright and mobile right now, rather than stuck in a wheelchair. They’re keeping me alive and aware and reasonably content rather than immobilized by depression and despair. I know what’s in my gun – I’ve watched my father die, my mother become crippled and six siblings crash and burn in various ways. Knowing brings enormous power to control, to change, or at the very least to mitigate.

    I can’t change what’s in the gun, though I can do for my children exactly what you’re doing for yours, in the hopes that they, being so empowered, will be able to do even more to control their own destinies. And I can continue to make personal choices – every day – that take a lot of the sting out of those bullets.

    Thanks for the wonderful post, and for being a parent who’s actively working to make the next generation stronger, healthier, happier and more aware. That can only benefit us all, in the long run.

  8. I have no choice but think that genetics load the gun but environment pulls the trigger…why? My father is bound to a wheelchair with MS, my mom has had a triple bypass, high blood pressure, and cancer – breast, lung, brain runs deep on both sides of my family as does obesity, and depression. I can’t sit here and not try to change my “genetics” and work on the environment (healthy living, media and social impact, having a positive outlook on life) around me so we all have a fighting chance.

  9. “genetics loads the gun, but environment pulls the trigger”
    Love this, did you make it up?
    I think about this all the time. As a parent and as a therapist. Sometimes I think the two are more blurry than cut and dry as in the gun. For a long time I thought parents really influenced kids. If the kids were a mess, I thought the parents could “do better”. But, I’ve seen kids with ADHD, or Bipolar and although how the parents work with them is instrumental, sometimes the gun is loaded way too much and, sadly, the trigger gets pulled via the load.

  10. Super interesting question Miz.

    I believe in free will.

    I have some bad bullets loaded in my gun and work daily not to shoot them off.

  11. I totally agree with you on this. We are discovering that our son has a pretty difficult gun that he was given (or at least it’s looking that way). We are working on making sure that we teach him which bullets not to shoot off. It’s a work in progress. 🙂

  12. I disagree with you.

    I think we can try yet the gun is loaded and we cannot change that.

    Cool post.

  13. Oh I completely agree with you. I think its also important to realize the good genetic qualities that the gun is loaded with, and to appreciate and use those qualities to my advantage also.

  14. I fall in the same camp as you, Carla. Example: my daughter, unfortunately, is predisposed to be overweight because Hubs & I are overweight and we have extended family who are overweight. HOWEVER, we are TEACHING her good, healthy habits. The importance of exercise, good nutrition and wise choices will help her beat the odds that nature has stacked against her. I’m crossing my fingers that nurture will tip the scales in my daughter’s favor 🙂

  16. I don’t like the “gun” analogy, but do agree with what I think you’re trying to say. I think the “gun” analogy is harsh because there’s only one thing loaded, and one thing to do with it. We have such diversity in what we are genetically speaking. And we don’t necessarily pass on the traits we think we will when it comes to genetics… it’s a crap shoot.

    But I don’t think that makes us helpless. We can adapt to be the best USs we can be. That may not mean that every one of us is going to be a famous singer, football player, movie star, or model. We may not ever have the physical ability to do those things. But we can overcome some things.

    Genetic predispositions like auto immune disease, mental illness, and to a lesser extent our body type and brain biochemistry do and always will impact our lives. The thing is, IMPACT is not the same as CONTROL.

    We don’t have to live our lives totally in the things nature DIDN’T give us when it comes to our potential… in fact, I’d say doing that leads to a life of depression and helplessness. When we dwell on what we ARE NOT we’re missing all the joy and potential in what we ARE.

    Having raised 4 disabled kids, I know they never would have gotten anywhere if we focused purely on “overcoming disability” as opposed to “embracing ability”. I think that too many times people to focus on “overcoming disability” end up banging their heads against the wall, because too many people think that the only way to maintain optimism and hope is to deny the power of nature… our genetic nature… in our lives.

    My daughter, who has terrible coordination as a result of a brain bleed at birth, will never be a dancer. That doesn’t mean that she can’t have joy in dance or dancing, and it doesn’t mean that she (or I) have something to prove by trying to make her into a professional dancer, despite her body’s ability.

    Does that mean she should never try? nope. It just means that there has to be healthy expectations.

    People get really hung up on this whole genetics thing… whether it’s something severe like disability, something less severe like predisposition to certain behaviors, or even as minor as physical characteristics. The point is, difference is a spectrum, and one that we all give lip service to honoring… until it comes to our own kids. Then we start to worry too much about how we’ve “handicapped” them or saddled them with some perceived genetic flaw or physical disability…

    You all know I have an autistic daughter. And there are times I can kick myself for not “making” the doctors perform the emergency c-section a half hour earlier. Fact is, I don’t know for sure that’s what caused her “disability”. I do know that while I was insistent, the doctors pretty much ignored my pleas to just cut me open and get her out, and yes, she has real physical/neurological issues.

    BUT… my little girl is a bit of a science genius, and she can handle complex animation programs better than any of her peers, and even though she’s not a match to the little girl I dreamed of when she was in my womb, she’s a pretty fantastic little individual.

    And while I acknowledge she’s on one end of the spectrum, I also think that there are a whole lot of mothers who have kids whose differences aren’t so extreme that worry about what genetic or physical limits their perfectly “normal” kids have.

    EVERYONE has limits. And no, you’re not going to change them. But that doesn’t mean that life is any less fulfilling or valuable.

    The role of nurture IMHO, is to grow the potential, not to bemoan or try to overcome the nature of an individual.

  17. Like I said on your facebook, I think genetics loads the gun and choices pull the trigger. I say this because I have overcome both genetics and environment in my life. I believe we may be genetically pre-disposed to things, but our choices (and I believe even our thoughts and attitudes) can make a difference. To the point of completely overcoming these things.
    I agree with you as far as my kids go, I strive to give them the best environment hoping they will make the right choices. But even that doesn’t have to be the end all for those of us that didn’t have it. We STILL HAVE CHOICES.

  18. This is something I’ve thought about a lot. I have a family member with schizo-affective disorder. I also worked in an adult adjustment and training center years ago, and our job was to redirect behaviors. Because of this I recognize certain cop-outs in the family in allowing things, or cop-outs in the family member due to knowing that certain behaviors produce certain results.

    On the flip side, I also have a son with a very negative worldview. This burdens me, as I just don’t understand it! I hope and pray that through nurture and teaching we can have some affect on turning that around into a cup half-full attitude…

  19. I think it’s a bit of both. I look at our little Collin and what was put into his gun and think ” man, that sucks!”
    But then realize I have to teach him how to use what he has, because along with all the $&@” he has lots and lots of good. We just have to work to find it!

  20. Great topic Carla.

    I agree with your friends, but do not find it depressing.

    It is what it is and I need to try and adjust my life accordingly.

  22. Great analogy! I’m with you in that I find it both inspiring and very accurate.

    There are aspects of each individual which are innate such as genetics and patterns of thought. These can not be modified. By patterns of thought, I’m referring to what the Gallup organization calls talents. Research has shown that at a young age, certain synapses have been strengthened by continual use while others whither and die. These form persistent patterns of thought which can not be changed by any means.

    By example, my talents are connectedness, ideation, strategy, input (Always asking questions and collecting information), and intellection. These are patterns of thought which will always color my world view and I’m happiest when called to use these talents. I’m deeply unhappy and unsuccessful when pushed to hone or improve talents which are not strongly developed.

    There’s a bit of nurture involved in culling these synapses but it happens at such an early age that I’m not sure I can control which ones my children will develop. Besides, they’re already 3 1/2 and 5 years old so the die is cast. There’s little I can do to determine their patterns of thought for the rest of their lives.

    I certainly have no control over their genetic encoding.

    So there’s the Nature part. Where does Nurture fit in?

    Every where else, of course!!!

    I have control over the examples I set for my children. I can encourage them to eat well and exercise. My wife and I are very mindful of the examples we set regarding how we treat each other because I know my son and daughter are taking notes. This will directly impact the relationships they find themselves in later in life. They won’t know why they’re attracted to the people they love but eventually they’ll notice that the men and women in their lives are remarkably similar to their mom and dad. We have complete control over that.

    Here’s where the analogy breaks down: The third aspect is the free will of our children.

    They will rebel at some point in life. They will eventually have control over how they eat, where they live, who they associate with and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s almost like the bullet has wings…

    Imagine that Nature is the Gun. Environment is the trigger and once we, as parents, set the bullet on it’s trajectory, eventually the bullet has some amount of control over its own trajectory. It can ease itself gently up, down, left or right along it’s path of travel, but only within a range of potential. It’s like a flying squirrel coasting through the air.

    Just as in my life, my kids will never successfully do things which call on patterns of thought (Gallup’s Talents) that don’t match their own.

    Also, they’ll seldom engage in behaviors far outside the norm of the values we cultivate in them.

    Of course they’ll stray. They will rebel and do things that I don’t want to imagine. I did things as a teen that would make my parents cringe, but in the end, I’ve come back to a range of behaviors largely in line with those I was taught and that were inborn.

    So there it is. Genetics loads the gun, but environment pulls the trigger and once the bullet is flying, it can coast through the air like a flying squirrel. 🙂

  23. I think environment gives some difference, but I find it interesting that in my husband’s family growing up – 2 of the siblings (oldest and youngest) are very similar in many ways. The middle sibling has problems with substance abuse and has spent time in jail. All 3 were raised the same, so I don’t know how much of the genetics is in control on that or not.

    The very interesting point is that the middle sibling had her own child, which was then adopted and raised by the grandparents (in probably close to the same type of environment) and seems to be starting with the same issues as her mother now that she is older. Just makes you wonder.

  24. Good post. Lots to think about. I can only speak for myself but have found that the choices I make in my day to day living greatly affect my health and well being. While genetics contribute to who I am as a whole person and in some ways dictate health risks for me, what I do everyday impacts my life in a much greater fashion than waiting for the genetic roulette wheel to decide what my life will look like.

  25. I think we sometimes cannot avoid the genetics no matter how we choose to live our lives. I live and land in the genetics camp.

    And I know the hardest thing about being an adult who’s been adopted is not knowing what those genetics hold.

  26. I tend to agree that there’s a healthy amount of our behavior, abilities, etc that simply comes from genetics, but that there’s also a fair amount of influence we can put on that, especially as parents. I strive to set a good example for my little ones, hoping that they’ll grow up having a happier and healthier childhood than I did.

  27. I remember reading an article with this gun theory/quote a few years ago (wish I could find the link), and the author’s take on it was interesting. She (some M.D.-type) opined that genetics loads the gun AND pulls the trigger and that environment can only delay/mitigate/suppress any symptoms. I have no idea if that’s medically accurate, but it was a different way of looking at it. For me, anyway.

    I often wonder how many “conditions” are environmental in cause, which would mean they aren’t actually medical conditions that are passed along. What’s inherited by offspring are bad habits or actions, not a biological predisposition. The good news is that those things can be corrected with changes in environment.

    I’m rambling…

  28. I’d like to think that we are in control of our own destiny, but sadly, I’m afraid that I can only do *so* much – genetics will win. Someday.

  29. Wow. That’s definitely food for thought. Both my parents are/were overweight (my dad keeps it in check, my mom does not), so I know that’s something I will have to work at all my life. I’ve got pretty decent genes on my dad’s side, and the women on my mom’s side seem to do pretty well.

    I’m convinced that some things are predisposed in nature, but there is a lot of your fate in your own hands. My parents tend to be overly critical, harsh, and hard to please with people (the proverbial sending a steak back because it’s not *perfect*, saying I should ask a friend to replace my 10 dollar tank top because their cat clawed it, etc), and I am not. My mom is pre-disposed to excuses and being afraid of leaving her comfort zone, and I (attempt to) thrive there. Not to say there aren’t a billion wonderful things they’ve taught me, but there are some things in my personality that have absolutely come from outside influences and just finding out who *I* am instead of who they have molded me to be.

    Short version: I think what’s in your body is more set than what’s in your mind. 😉

  30. Fantastic post and great comments.

    I’m still reading the comments—I will be back with mine.

  31. Carla,

    I was always a big believer in nature over nuture. Then I went to Yale graduate school for public health. I had a statistic professor who had and MD and PhD from Harvard and Yale. She was a cancer geneticist researcher and a brain surgeon. No, I am not making this up. She was a little wirey red haired quiet woman.

    One day in class she said that 99% of a person’s health is determined by behavior, 1% by genetics. I threw me for a loop. This was many years ago, but I ponder that statement still. If 99% of anyone’s health outcomes are determined by behavior this gives me tremendous hope, but leads to so many questions. Like what determines are behavior? How do we unlearn unhealthy emotional, mental, physical, psychological behaviors that we learned in our family? If we had bad role models how do we even know what healthy looks like?

    I guess I have no answer, but loved your post.

  32. I think, like you do, that it is a combination of many things. And the best we can do as parents is provide all the tools and support possible and try to be good role models and hope for the best. I have more than once had someone compliment me on my boys as the young men they are becoming. I don’t feel I can take all the credit.

    BTW – Here’s a story about what I first think of with the gun analogy. When my boys were very little I insisted we would not buy them guns. I thought it would incite violence, I guess. So guess what they did? They made guns out of sticks and legos and everything else. And this was from two boys who were not watching gun battles on TV and not yet exposed to the violence of video games!

  34. My husband and I have this conversation a lot, as he was adopted and doesn’t knows almost nothing about his biological family. He is an incredible man who takes good care of his family and puts others first, but he sometimes doubts himself because he wonders if his mother or father were bad people and how much of them is in him (he was taken away by social services at 10 months old). In addition, he his adoptive mother was extremely harsh and critical growing up and he was never good enough in her eyes. So he had some tough issues to deal with both on the genetics side and the environmental side of things. And yet, I am a witness to the fact that he overcame it all and is an incredibly caring, loyal, and positive man. I think they both, nature and nurture, play a huge role in our lives, but don’t determine the outcome of our lives if we don’t let them. In addition, he is determined as a new dad to our 8 month old daughter, not to let history repeat itself. Randy Pausch’s quote has become my mantra lately, “The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something,” and I think it completely relates here. We will always have factors that help shape us or deter us even, but ultimately WE determine our own path in life. Thanks for a great, thought provoking post!!

  35. I really like this concept:

    By teaching her even INACTION is a choice she will choose to create a life of purpose, intention and health.

  36. Carla, I joined in on this on your FB page. Yes, we are born with certain predispositions & genetics & many other things BUT I am of the feeling that we can always work to make ourselves better & healthy too no matter what. If you have predisposition to a health prob, you can do whatever it takes to do the things to prevent it.

    I have a friend that has a thyroid issue.. the doc wanted her to go in & remove this bump on her neck. She decided to research it & go in every 3 months for a while as she made changes to the food she ate & other things she found would help it.. conclusion, the bump has reduced in size a lot & the doc checks it & her blood every 4-6 months & she avoided an operation. Yes, she has to eat a certain way but it is for her health.

    I am saying that no matter what, we can try to take streps to be the healthiest possible…

    And I LOVED your list for Tornado!!!! You do teach by example!

  37. I think the quote you shared is the reality of life – it’s neither *just* nature nor *just* nurture, but a combination of both. How can it not be?

    And I, too, find the thought you shared hope-giving, because it means we are *not* necessarily “predestined” to a certain fate. Obesity may run in the family, but that does not mean one MUST be fat. Depression may run in the family, but that does not mean we should throw up our hands and give in to the urge never to get out of bed again.

    In all things, we have a choice, even if that choice is just how we respond to a certain set of circumstances. And choice, for me, is power.

  38. As usual, I love your posts and they always have meaning for me. I adopted my daughter when she was a toddler. She is 14 and has watched me struggle with my weight and body image all her life. She is now 14, and becoming a beautiful young woman. She went through periods of insecurity, but seems to have such a wonderful sense of herself. Even though I have had my own weight and health issues, she has always been comfortable with my body. She has helped me. Now that I am working out daily, she is so supportive. She knows that no matter what she is loved.

    She has come up against a lot of things in her life. After all, a Chinese-American,Jewish,daughter of a single mother, growing up with grandma and mom in a tiny two bedroom apt. has had its ups and downs
    I am doing my best and it seems like she knows that.

  39. I fully agree that we control our environment.

    Did you know that only 5% of breast cancer incidences can be ascribed to genetics? The rest are all lifestyle related.

    In my family, we are predisposed to high cholesterol, but I have proved time and again that I can keep mine low through lifestyle, mainly diet and exercise. When I relax the lifestyle, the cholesterol goes up. The rest of my family are all on Lipitor, but I have never had to take cholesterol lowering drugs.

    The opposite is also true. Nobody in my family is obese. Yet I ballooned to over 300 pounds. It’s because of the lifestyle I used to have.

    I think most conditions people suffer from these days are due to the lifestyles and habits they inherited from their parents, not the genes.

  40. This is why I adore your blog, MizFit.

    You make me consider fitness from the inside out.

    I tend to side with your friends and find this to be depressing, but I haven’t read the comments yet 🙂

  41. I see it the way that you do. To think otherwise would assume we are helpless and unable to control or manipulate our own destiny. In essence, we are all in control of our own destiny- we all have struggles and genetically inherited “flaws”- albeit they are all different. But we must all find the inner strength to overcome and triumph over what life throws our way. But on our own terms. If that makes sense? 🙂

  42. Coming from someone who grew up in a fairly health conscious environment I made horrible choices through high school and college. Everyone has the ability to take the tools that they’ve been given and make better choices. Finally, it clicked for me – the healthy habits that my parent’s instilled were put into practice when I was ready. I was given all the information along with lots of love and support but making change comes from within. I didn’t have to surrender to being overweight and unhealthy. What’s the old saying? “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink?” There has to be a desire to change to make a change. IF you give children, family, friends, etc the tools hopefully they will be empowered to use them but you can’t push. After a series of events I realized that I could take control – genetics play a role in my body structure but I focus on what I can change to empower myself to be strong, confident and happy. Getting inspired to lose over 155 lbs spends ripples out to friends and family. Health and happiness can be contagious BUT the person making the change MUST be ready for change.

  43. I love this post! I completely agree with your analogy about the gun and trigger. My kids are also predisposed to certain unfortunate aspects that come from me. It has been a concern of mine and I have decided I am the one who can make a difference by educating my kids on these predispositions and how they can avoid them. There is no guarantee that is the answer but it is definitely better than letting the chips fall where they may. I am a believer that we cannot control outcomes but can control how we react to them. Therefore we plan for various outcomes and move forward with a positive attitude. My mind is spinning and I could say so much more. Very thought provoking. Thanks. Have a great weekend. 🙂

  44. I agree. One thing that has been really helpful to me is realizing that though my mother has always been skinny (genetics) as she ages she continues to do things to STAY skinny (environment.) Thinking that something ‘just is’ is the deathknell of healthy choices. So while my mom was easily thin with no extra work required in the 1970s, today she walks, lifts, and provides an example of doing what it takes to feel the way she wants!

  45. Well, um, as you know from FB, I was one of the “depressing” ones. BUT. Since then I’ve been thinking a lot about it and trying to change my perception. This: “By sharing with her my genetic blueprint and showing her how I’ve managed to change facets of it she will realize our ‘gun,’ while loaded, can be semi-dismantled, managed and worked around.” I think is the key. Instead of complaining about my gun, I need to dismantle it…

  46. Sounds like a Texas expression to me 🙂

    As much as I’ve been a strong believer in nurture, as I’ve observed life, it seems that nature plays more of a role than we want to believe. It’s not that we can’t change the caliber of the chamber, but we have to work a lot harder than we used to think, I think 🙂

  47. I believe that “You are what you eat, but you can choose what to put in your mouth.” Does that make sense??? I guess better stated – I agree with you. We are a group that can begin with our genetics but decide to end by an environment of our own choosing.

    I am currently (and have been for 10 years) raising two girls ages 3 and 10. They are without a doubt predisposed for certain things due to the lack of “good genes” that come from myself and my husband.

    Addiction of many kinds (alcohol, drugs, food, etc), obesity, stress, high blood pressure. You name it and someone in one of our families has/had it.

    I can, however, help that to not be an issue (or at least not a big one) if I give them the tools to handle what may come their way.

    Mom vs Community

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