Four tips for flying your freak flag.

by

Hi Carla,
I was going to post this as a comment, but it seemed too embarrassing (I guess I’m not flying my freak flag yet) to be over 40 and still looking for approval/wanting to please others.
“Love this message, but somewhat stuck on the implementation. How do I quit looking for external validation when it’s a 40+ year habit?”
Anyway, maybe others have the same question and maybe you have wisdom to share on this topic, so I thought I’d write.

XXXXX


The emailer’s question:

How do I quit looking for external validation when it’s a 40+ year habit? is one Im asked frequently.

My question:

How do I foster in the Tornado self-love, self-acceptance, & unflappable self-confidence when I really have no idea how I got there? is one I ask myself frequently.

 

How do I preserve this as much as I can:

 

Whether the Tornado chooses to let others see/show externally how do I preserve her pink gloves?

To be candid this is something I think about practically all day every day especially during the summer since she & I have the gift of time together.

As we play, color, read, swim and just BE I live the bulk of it with the backdrop of How can I empower her to be 100% unapologetically herself? How can I help her NOT to be asking the emailer’s question—as so many of us are—-at age 40?

Thus far Ive come up with four tips for becoming unapologetically yourself.

The four reasons why I believe I march to the beat of my own drum, wave my freak flag proudly and truly do not care what others think.

 

  • I decided to STOP self-objectification.  Ive made the conscious decision to NEVER EVER see myself through the eyes of others. I no longer judge myself based on appearance merely because I believe thats how others evaluate me. I have one hundred percent FRANCIS MCDORMAND’ed myself. Yes this was a process.  Yes this took work and time.  Yes it involves the thoughts and opinions of others which leads me to….
  • I chose to believe it’s not about me.  I often joke to Ren Man I go through life so FIRMLY believing other people’s reactions to me are not about me Im sure I miss times when they really are.  And I dont care.  What do I do when someone reacts to me/my appearance/my career/my lifestyle choices in a negative fashion?  I remind myself it has nothing to to with ME and everything to do with *them* & how they feel about themselves and their choices.  How am I able to do this? How do I not grow insecure or defensive when others disdain or ‘look down upon’ what I do?  (those queries bring me to tip number three which is…)
  • I. Got. Comfortable.  In my own skin.  With my own style.  With who I was and the life path Id chosen.  When I reached the place where *I* was ok with myself/my choices I no longer cared what others thought.  PERIOD.  And this, again, was a process over time.  I spent time figuring out who I was, what I was good at and what I LOVED about me.  I listed what I saw as my strengths & asked myself how I shared/displayed these to the world around me.  When I grew stumped I enlisted friends and family to help.  I asked them what *their* fave thing about me was and what they thought my “gifts” were.  Had I known about it back then Id probably have tried the three word exercise!  When we do the work to discover who we are really are and are fully honest with ourselves, all things (including health fitness and weight loss) seem to click into place.
  • I celebrated myself. I told myself I ROCKED when I did something well.  I proofread articles Id written and complimented myself on structure and flow.  I no longer waited for others to cheer me on or recognize what I knew was a job well done. I tooted my own horn and learned, over time, my TOOTING was really all that mattered.  All the CARLA YOU.AWESOME! I needed was inside me/came from me.  Of course I had times when I needed to hear I ROCKED from other people in my life.  During those times I taught myself to ask for PRECISELY what I needed to hear.

(stops. takes a breath. ceases waving her freak flag with wild abandon & looks to you.)

Seriously.

That’s all Ive got.

Those, upon life-reflection, are my four best tips for getting to the place where you truly do not give a crap what others think finding and BEING your authentic self.

Now you.

More than a few of you (yay! yay!) admitted to us all you happily fly your freak flag.

Whats your best tip for embracing who you are and not caring what anyone else thinks or says about you?

I love love love this photo and yet know—through experience—it is all more easily said than done.

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Comments

  1. Oh I love this post! Those are excellent points – all four of them. All my life has been a struggle between conforming and being authentic. It’s only now that authentic is winning. I think the hardest part was learning the difference between rebellion and congruence. I had to stop measuring myself with the tools/standards of others. When letting my freak flag fly becomes about other people, I know I’m in rebellion, but when it’s about me, I know I’m being true to myself.

  4. Well put, I don’t think I could have described that so well.

    (1) The point about it not being “about me” is great. When I hear something derogatory about me (or anything) I think to myself “wow they are having a bad day” or if it’s a toxic person in general I think “wow I’m glad I’m not married to them”!

    (2) I’ve been set free by focusing on my strengths and what I’m good at, and acknowledging/embracing what I’m not so good at. I joke about and don’t defend what I’m not good at and make no apologies. The things I am good at spill over and make me feel alright with the whole package that is myself.

    Your daughter is a lucky girl. My mom did and still does mentor me and all those little conversations we had growing up helped make me who I am.

    Have a great day 🙂

  6. Not much to add here.

    This is an amazing post.

    I know the piece about self-objectification is missed too often.

    • It was a big realization for me as well.

      Id not thought I did it—till I realized I sometimes did.

  8. This is so important! Amazing post Miz!

    Back in high school I came across a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz! It put a lot of things into perspective for me when I was going through a difficult situation. One thing I learned (out of the many)is that when people make fun of you or what have you, it has nothing to do with you but with them and their own experience.

    I embrace who I am, all weirdness included.

    This is me, this is who I am and no one else can take that away from me 🙂

  9. I do not want to say what everyone else is.
    So I will add that I want to be you.
    Someday.

  10. I am stuck on your point of getting comfortable.
    I am so UN comfortable in my own skin these days.
    Any specific tips on how to start?

  12. Carla the ways I love this post!!
    More than anything it is a reminder to me how short life is and if I waste my 40s not loving who I am it is a waste.
    I am not guaranteed my 50s.
    None of us are.

  14. Yes x 4!
    Point #2 especially resonates here. It took me a long time and some therapy to get this one. 🙂 Life is so much sweeter now!

  15. As a woman who spent most of my adult life seeking external validation, life is so much better, so much better now that I am becoming/being more authentic.

    It is the hardest/best work I’ve ever done. That lack of being okay with who I am – the feeling that I didn’t matter, was at the core of every other issue in my life.

    I had to challenge every “less than” thought that came into my head. “Where is that coming from?” Is that true? Do I think this way about other people or this particular negativity reserved only for me? Questions like that….

    I’m only just now getting it and I’m in my 50’s. Do the work now – life is SO much better this way.

  16. “I listed my strengths and asked myself how I shared them with the world”

    That seems to be a common refrain when people talk about self-confidence and self-love.
    When we can acknowledge our gifts and feel good about sharing them.

    Fantastic post.

    • It’s interesting how hesitant we get to share our gifts. When they are IMO precisely that. We are MEANT to use and share them.

  17. Having kids helped me get over trying to be who others want me to be. Instead the focus is on raising them to be healthy and happy and in turn, I let a lot of self-drama go. Mainly so I don’t project my issues on to them.

    Am I perfect at this every day, oh no. Do I make it a priority to find better ways to handle issues each day, oh yes.

  19. I tell myself that if EVERYONE liked me, how would I have time for everyone. People not liking you is Gods way of sloughing off the riff raff so you have better quality time with those that matter. 😉

    Also, I’ve been encouraging Zuzu to laugh as loudly at school as she does at home. She has this killer laugh that I know she hides from the rest of the world, which, like that quote, is a tragedy.

    Library this afternoon?

  20. I think to stop thinking we need to be what media says we should be is really important. Too much info comes from external sources telling us how we should look, what we should wear, what we should be buying our families, etc. Those are decisions only an individual can make and not fitting with that doesn’t make anyone less of a person.

  21. Love this post, Miz! Am just getting started on this process and think it all came about when I realized I was giving too much of my power to others, thereby allowing them to dictate how I felt about myself. It was painful but allowed me to see how far away I had gotten from myself. Now am working on just focusing on myself.

  22. Oh goodness. How had I missed the laundry tag post?
    I will do that exercise today.

  27. There are so many factors at play in creating behaviors and changing them! Changing is probably easier than creating. At least with changing we know where we are and where we want to go. With creating them there is the example and whether the trainee will follow that or do the opposite depending on their individual makeup and perception. I guess I suggest setting an example that we feel good about and letting it all play out. At least now-a-days parents are paying attention to this and caring about it.

  28. love that photo!
    I def think it takes time and practice to not let others opinions bother you, more of a slow growth thing. at least for me. 🙂

  29. I am so with the person who wrote the question. Age old stuff keeps haunting me. Approval from others haunt me. I have got much much better. I do celebrate myself in certain ways but not all ways. I am still working on all your other points. Some days are better than others. I am not sure I will ever get there before I die but I keep trying. Age hormones don’t help either! 😉

    Seriously Carla – another amazing post that I will print out & keep with me but I can only promise I will try yet somehow it all seems elusive to me… but I won’t give up!

  30. Listen up, Mizzy, I think I got something to say to you.
    It’s 7:45 and I really should leave for the office soon.
    You know you keep me amused, but I feel I’m being improved.
    Oh Mizzy, I just won’t hide it any more.
    You make me a better person, without you my life would worsen.
    You feed my soul and that’s what really helps.

    The morning post when it’s in my face really shows you’re sage.
    And things don’t worry me none when you explain everything.
    I laughed at all of your jokes, I love how you help other folks.
    Now, Mizzy, I just won’t hide it any more.
    You lured me here to your site, you made my morning more bright.
    You feed my soul and that’s a gain I can’t do without.

  31. I think children are born with this natural spirit and it’s our job to preserve it and help them learn how to fight to hold on to themselves!
    You’re an awesome role model for your daughter. My mom was a bit pleaser at times, and it took me years to fight against that tendency in myself (still am) in order to embrace who I am.

  32. Great post. I finally lost my ability to care what others think when I realized we are all crazy 😉

    • I agree with this! Once you look a little closer, no-one is normal! And other people are usually too busy worrying about themselves, so self-consciousness is silly really!

  34. I absolutely LOVED this. Each and every day, I promise to you, I am letting my freak flag fly for everyone to see. For me, I used to always want to impress everyone and have everyone like me. But I realized, no matter what, there is always going to be at least one person that doesn’t like you. “They’ll hate me anyways so whatever.” Exactly, WHATEVER! Why should I waste my precious time to act like a freak to impress someone else? 🙂

  35. Ypur posts always make me smile! Especially this post- such an important reminder 🙂

  36. Oh I too love this post. I think about this every day with regard to my boys. My 5 year old son is all about rainbows and hearts and snuggles and cuddles – not the typical things that boys his age or older are concerned about. He’s sweet and sensitive and I worry about how he will react, grow and change when he enters elementary school next year, when the boy-girl split is more prominent, etc. I worry about how to make sure he’s confident in who he is.

    And me too. I remember in high school, it was all about flying our freak flags high and mighty but now? Not as much but I feel like I’m starting to (slowly) come back around, getting comfortable and not caring because everyone has their own issues and frankly, it just take too much energy to do otherwise.

  37. What works for me is that I go on the assumption that people like me. I don’t go in braced for battle, and I think that frees me up to just be myself. I haven’t always been like this, but I sure like how I am now. 🙂

  41. Can I say it again?! -how much I absolutely adore and admire you as a mother! For me, there is much in this process about not needing to control every little thing around me…
    Since my mother was not like you, I spent much time making sure she was happy. It was my job to keep everything afloat and even keel. What a job for a kiddo- and what a relief when I realized at 30 years old that this never really should have been my job at all…
    The gift that you give by letting your Tornado have support and knowledge that for the most part ‘we’re all alright’ and yet see your vulnerability and struggles for what they are. Getting real is really the only way. And boy are you real! Yay, Carla!:)

  43. There are only 3 people that I only know through their interwebpartmentspaces or Twitter or Facebook that I feel deep in my soul I am meant to meet. These 3 amazing women have the ability to.make me giggle, smile, and cry simultaneously while making me realize that I love who.I am and I’m doing the best I can at being, loving and frowning the best me and at the same time hopefully planting those seeds in my children and friends, too.
    You, Carla are one. Charlotte at The Great Fitness Experiment is another and Michelle at Rage Your Way Thin is another. The 3 of you are so extraordinarily different, but.at the same time have such a similar foundation of being that I can’t help but look to you all and say to.myself that, even if I’m not there JUST YET, I hope to be a little like each of you when I finally decide to.grow up.
    The last photo on this post I will save. I may even have to ask one of the decal making geniuses at DaliDecals.com to make it into a wall or window decal to put up in my home (when we finally get a stable one (GAH! whole other frustrating story)) and especially in my girl minion’s room to put on her ceiling to wake up to every morning and remind her that fitting in is not as important as being honest and open with others about who you are in your soul. Oh, and maybe gonna ask them about decals for “Unapologetically Myself” as well. A tattoo just doesn’t seem to be enough. 😉
    Thank you for being you and always being so.open and honest with so many people. I also thank you for your strength and bravery. (And apologize for the.misplaced punctuation that my gigantor thumb repeatedly places between words. My not-so-smart phone doesn’t let me go back to the right point in the sentence to fix it.)

  44. Fantastic points and so impressive b/c we all know those are not easy things to come by. Which makes you all the more impressive in my book–cheers for these accomplishments! The Tornado is going to be just fine.

  45. I’m waving my freak flag proudly and I honestly believe that I have always waved my freak flag bc MY parents waved theirs. What I’m trying to say is: I’m pretty sure that you don’t have to worry about the Tornado bc she has an excellent role model in you.

  46. By taking down my BLAHg site years ago and just doing what I normally do day to day, week to week, year to year without telling anyone about it.

  47. Carla, love this post. My biggest hurdle I had to get over is that I smiled so much to cover up my discomfort. I hate it when people tell women, esp. to smile more. Why do we always feel we need to make other people comfortable. And not be true to our own sense of seriousness, unhappiness, anger, or skeptism. Smile when you mean it – not for other people’s benefit!

  48. I love this list, especially “I remind myself it has nothing to to with ME and everything to do with *them* & how they feel about themselves and their choices”. Recently, my father’s 4th wife emailed my husband what a horrid and money driven person I am. Nothing could be further from the truth, she is the one that is this way. I have had to distance myself from my father because of her selfish behavior. I was heartbroken, not that she said these things (I know there not true) but that my Dad would choose to spend his life with someone that would divide our family in this manner. All I have ever wanted was my Dad’s love and attention (just not going to happen in this lifetime). My husband was furious and his instinct to protect kicked in. I asked him not to react too harsh, we need to distance ourselves from people like this but also have compassion and wish them well from a distance. Boy, your posts get me spewing! haha My intention in being so forthcoming is that by sharing I help and support others who might have simliar circumstances. xoxo

  49. Thank you for some heavy thinking while on the treadmill this morning! I struggle with envy of others and you help me see it is because of not liking something about who I am – its not about who they are or what they have or do. I have to deal with what I don’t like about myself and why and if it is because I’m comparing myself to others I need to get off of that track.

  50. I don’t think there is anything to add, except that I SO needed to read this today. It’s like I have glimpses, and sometimes even days and days, of freak-flag-flying, and then not so much. But I think that’s part of it too. I also really liked Shelly’s comment that going into life believing that people like you (versus being braced for battle) is a big part of it 🙂

  51. OMG, I LOVE this post. And I’m more comfortable with my freak flag now than I was even 2 years ago. I just takes too much energy to try to figure out what others think of me, and try to be liked by everyone. For me, I’d rather put that engery into thinking about and doing what makes me happy and what passion I need to follow to be fulfilled. There will always be naysayers, and of course my life is far from “perfect”, and I’d be lying if I said I had self confidence ALL the time, but my imperfect life is my life, and I’m proud of how I live it. Let the freak flags ALWAYS fly!!!

  52. Can you adopt me? I don’t care that we are the same age… please?!?!?

    Honestly, when I talk to my children, I really think of you and try to harness their inner selves and help them be happy with who they are.

  53. Amazing. Seriously. What if everyone was true to themselves and flew their freak flag freely? The world would rock. So proud of you for doing this for yourself and your adorable little girl. What a killer post!!! 😀

  56. Love me some Miz-spiration.

    My oldest marches to the beat of his own drum and I don’t dare mess with that. In him, I see the unique and innocence of his person but also the emergence of a strong, proud, compassionate little man. Far be it for me to mess with that kind of perfection. I hope to be as freak as he is when I grow down 🙂

  59. For me it was realizing that you can’t change other peoples opinions about you, if you can accept that, then you no longer need that external validation.

  61. One of my biggest tips right now (and admittedly I am in a work in progress, to be honest this gave me a lot to think about, especially the self-objectification) is that I had to stop hanging out with people that put me down for being me – it is stunning to me that this continues into adulthood (and I am 39).

    And yes, some of this is the baggage I brought to the table that their comments cause me shame, but on the other hand it wasn’t helpful to me to continue to put myself in that position.

    Because I grew up the passive people pleaser, I think it is actually not a bad skill to instill on your daughter that she doesn’t have to be unkind, but she also doesn’t have to take crap from others or hang out with the toxic ones. Usually they are using the person they cut down to build themselves up.

  63. I’d have to say that I realized, at a certain point, that when I looked down on someone or scoffed at their behavior it was because of some insecurity on my side. Once realizing that, I caught myself before said scoffing occurred and reminded myself of the reason behind it. This actually helped me to build a heck of a lot of self-awareness and confidence over time. Now I’m very prone to being myself, being free, and loving the me that tries to hide less and less. Yay life!

  64. I love this post! I am finally getting comfortable with who I am and trying to pass it on to my kids as well. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by dr. Seuss – “be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

  65. Being Authentic… Great write up of your own self-reflection. This is an exercise we can all perform, and when we do we may find similarities to your four tips, and we may discover other ways we approach life that make our authentic selves.

  66. love love love this! It’s crazy because when I was little, I knew exactly who I was and did everything exactly for me, myself, and I. Now that I’m older, I live my life imprisoned by what others think and I constantly have to remind myself to break free from those ridiculous chains! Reading this post takes me one step closer to living life according to me and nobody else.

  68. Miz, I think I struggle with all four of these. I worry too much about what people think and see myself through their eyes.

    I think EVERYTHING is about me (if someone completely unrelated to me is in a bad mood, it’s somehow my fault) and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

    And, I’m not good at acknowledging the good stuff I do.

    Sigh… it seems I’ve got a long way to go!

    Deb

  72. Right on!! This post is amazing in so many ways. I’m going to take what you said to heart and invest in it “it’s not about me, it is ALL about THEM.” It makes so much sense! Thank you for writing this 🙂

  75. I love the quote in that final photo. It’s true.
    Once I became comfortable in my own skin I realized that other than those who truly cared for me and were willing to point out real problems or issues I may have, the rest of the world is just all wound up in what people think things should be. I’ve never really agreed with it or fitted into any particular niche in culture, so I am just quite glad to be me and settle into who I am more and more as life goes on. Life is far to short to spend it worried about what others think of me. This has changed how others perceive me, although that was not the intent – and in the end, if I can look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and be proud of who I am and like what I see then life is good 🙂

  77. +1 – “it’s all/more about the other person” comment. A couple of years ago I was shown/taught how when we are more unhappy with others and things around us, we are most likely unhappy with ourselves. Also, I know it is a corny phrase/quote but “when we shine we give others permission to shine” is something I am consistently trying to live by. Do what you love doing, be who you love to be and people will follow/join you. They may not be the people you wanted/expected but because these people will he those who respect you, they will be people you need and not the people you think you need – hope I make sense. Great article!

  78. I lovelovelove your tip about choosing to not take things personally. Right now that’s not my automatic reaction (my instant response is to believe EVERYTHING is about ME… hand to forehead and all) but I’ve been working really hard and challenging that. I love that you added the “I don’t care if it is about me” piece too. I feel like that is a very generous way to deal with people because it gives them a chance to rethink their judgments as well. Brilliant.

  81. So many lost women out there. How did you get that way? There is SO much for you to take part in and accomplish.

  82. I know this may sound random. But if you are trying to live a absolutely uninhibited expressive life to the fullest sometimes its a good idea to go to another city or state where you do not know anyone. Maybe go with your girlfriends on a weekend trip. Make a short “celebration” (not bucket) list. This way you feel that you are in a place surrounded by people who only knowledge of you is what you are putting forth. And being with those you love who are also trying to step out of their own shell. Empowerment and positivity! 🙂

  83. yes. accepting ourselves for who we are fundamentally, quirks and all, is the only way to really feel free, i think. “Unapologetically Myself”…words to live by. every. day.

Trackbacks

  3. […] You all know I’m a Carla lover. And this is why – Four Tips To “Flying Your Freak Flag”. In other words, thoughts on BEING YOU and LOVING YOU. […]

  6. […] I still cry on the mat.  Im unsure if it was the length of the class (120 minutes versus 60) or the repeated reminders of where I used to be (hello backbend with ease!) versus where I am now (fearful and afraid to even attempt) but I cried.  I think the only thing which helped me to NOT become a sniveling mess was the awareness my husband was OMing next to me.  I care not what strangers think. […]

  8. […] I still cry on the mat.  Im unsure if it was the length of the class (120 minutes versus 60) or the repeated reminders of where I used to be (hello backbend with ease!) versus where I am now (fearful and afraid to even attempt) but I cried.  I think the only thing which helped me to NOT become a sniveling mess was the awareness my husband was OMing next to me.  I care not what strangers think. […]

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