This week has brought a few blog-look changes to my neck of the ‘net. As a result Ive found myself chatting about change with some of my FAVE bloggers. The next few weeks will bring *their* musings change with all its various meanings, connotations and results.
Please welcome a blogger I adore: Michelle.
The following is a variation of something that I’ve been saying for well over 20 years now:
I will never ever ever not color my hair. I don’t care if I live as old as my grandma Daisy (95) I will exit this life with the same color hair I had when I was 20. I will never go gray.
I turned 50 years old in February of 2013. Throughout the course of last year, I have become intensely aware of how very far I am from self-acceptance. I’ve lived most of my life removed from myself and have lived my life as a fragmented version of me.
I am the ’me’ who has spent her life waiting for things to be different. Things will be great when I’m married! Things will be even better when I’m divorced! My life will be great when
I’m a smaller size. I’ll finally be happy if I just get those boots.
I am also the ‘me’ who can’t stop being critical. It never mattered whether I was a size 5 or a size 20, the critical voice was equally harsh.
Between the two of them, I’ve spent way too much time waiting and way too much time being unhappy with myself.
It’s dumb and I don’t want to do it anymore.
I want to be exactly who I am. I don’t want to wait. My size makes no difference. I can’t be anyone other than who I am. I need to appreciate how wonderfully bad ass I am now.
I’ve decided to stop coloring my hair.
This might not sound like a huge thing, but it so much is for me. It’s letting go of some vanity that has never brought me peace. It’s accepting the person I am now, without pretense.
I’m also curious how it’s going to look. I’ve definitely got a lot of tinsel colored hair on top, but I think the temples are going to come in white. I’m really hoping for a ‘bride of Frankenstein’ look.
I know that letting my hair grow gray isn’t going to fix my self-acceptance issues.
Man, that would be great if it would though, wouldn’t it? Sacrifice one thing and all of a sudden, you’re having a love affair with yourself? I’d be willing to give up a pinky finger for that.
I’ve been trying to catch myself when I practice negative self-talk and replace it with positive talk. Positive talk feels unnatural. I feel like I’m lying to myself, and I feel ridiculous when
I get to the ‘replace it with positive talk’ part.
Ridiculous or not, I’m still working on it. Positive self-talk is getting easier. I feel just a little bit more comfortable in my own skin.
I’m learning to trust my decisions. When you live with a harsh internal critic, you tend to doubt your decisions.
You know what the difference between an acquaintance who is kind of your friend and a real friend is? An acquaintance will pretend like she doesn’t see the gray. A real friend will say
“You’re REALLY going gray? You weren’t kidding? Because you’re pretty gray. Are you sure you want to do this because you’re only 50 and that is going to make you look older”.
I love that my work friend felt comfortable enough with me to actually say what she thought about my ‘going all natural’ decision. It was good for me to hear her doubts about my decision. I learned something about myself.
Initially, after my friend expressed her views on my changing look, I doubted my decision to stop coloring my hair.
Why am I doing this? I AM going to look really old. This was a terrible idea. I think I need to go back to highlights.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about how I will look with gray hair. Their opinions aren’t my business. I decided to do this. Trusting my decision gives me a feeling of power and peace that is foreign to me.
Besides, if I decide that I really hate the gray, I can go back to coloring my hair.
Another decision I’ve made is I get to make my own rules. I get to decide what I’m comfortable with and I am free to alter myself in ways that makes me feel good about myself.
I’m finding little bits and pieces of me that I like so very much. I’m excited to discover more.
I don’t know that deciding to stop coloring my hair was the push I needed or to change how I see myself. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m finding out who I am and deciding that I am good enough.
I might even find out that I’m awesome.
Michelle blogs over at Rubber Shoes in Hell. She’s running head first into her fifties as fast as she can with her fingers in her ears and going LALALALA the entire way.