Importance of Self-Care: why others first isn’t always best (post response).

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Please welcome Valerie and her response to my recent post If MAMA aint healthy aint NOBODY healthy!

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Over the course of 20 years of marriage and mama-hood, I’ve learned a lot about self-care.

As a young wife/mother I wasn’t exactly the self-care queen.

I taught my daughter Chiquita (no, that’s not her real name – who names her kid after a banana? It’s her nickname; we speak a lot of casual Spanish in mi casa because hey, that’s just how we roll) some pretty bad habits, with which she struggles to this day.

By the time my younger daughter, The Bug (nickname again, which she hates) came along, I was learning, but it wouldn’t be until they were older I started “working on myself”.

Changing my lifestyle changed so many things around our house.

Refusing to feel guilty my husband sometimes responded to their demands, while I worked out in the basement…remorselessly informing the kids I certainly would not buy potato chips, though I’d happily provide them with something healthier…all of those things changed how I looked at the world, and that change was reflected at home.

One discovery shocked me, though: while I grew healthier and happier, and my relationship with the kids improved, my husband didn’t seem to be on the same page.

I would eventually realize that this was largely due to the fact that he was really not taking care of his own needs, nor asking for the help he needed from others.

At the time, though, it just seemed that, though everyone else in the family was getting happier, he was getting more and more distant and reserved.

I’ve been raised on the truism that “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” and I stand by that.

My own experience has borne it out.

The neglected follow-up, though, is that the same is true of Daddy – or Mama #2 or Daddy #2 or whomever the second partner might be.

I was unprepared for the truth of this, partly due to the fact that I’d never known my husband not to take care of his own needs first. He’s a very logical man, and it only makes sense to don your own oxygen mask first, so that’s what he does.

I used to resent that, but as I got healthier myself I gained enormous respect for him because of it. So I was completely unprepared for the fact that he wasn’t doing that, and his resultant strained relations with the children – and with me.

I found myself hampered in my own efforts to get healthy and happy by the fact that someone I loved was miserable.

Suddenly, the shoe was on the other foot, and it SUCKED to experience firsthand what I’d been doing to my family for years.

After a forced dialogue that resulted, eventually, in a number of changes, my husband is back to being the man I married, the man our children adore, and the man he wants to be.

He admits that it wasn’t the relocation or the job change that did it, though; it was gaining the ability to speak about what he needed, to not suppress it out of guilt that he’d be putting his own needs before ours.

To acknowledge that his own needs are important no matter what, because his happiness affects ours. What I was able to share with him, once he finally opened up, was what I’d finally learned myself:

 When someone you love is unhappy, you are unhappy.

In a family, when one suffers, all suffer, no matter who it is.

Putting one’s own needs aside for the needs of others is self-defeating; they will suffer with you, so all your sacrifices may ultimately be in vain.

The best thing you can do for your family is to be the best you that you can be.

To be healthy, happy, and strong – because if you’re drowning, you surely can’t tow anyone else to shore.

The final thought I’d like you to take away is this: as parents, we have several jobs. Most of those jobs we can do or not do, depending on our level of involvement and caring.

The one job you absolutely can’t avoid, though, is the job of teacher.

Whether you mean to or not, every day, in every action, word, and attitude, you are teaching your children something.

From birth to…well, forever, really, your children are learning from you.

They’re watching, listening, and absorbing lessons every second.

When I started changing my life, one of my greatest motivations was this: I’m the one my daughters look to in order to learn what it means to be a woman.

It helps remind me to stop and think about how I’m taking care of myself and living my life.

Above all else, I want my children to be healthy and strong and happy and love life – so that’s what I need to strive for, and I need to do what it takes to make that happen.

I don’t always succeed, but it’s always my goal.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Oh, I agree that it is so hard to be happy when someone you love isn’t! But we can’t always fix that, which makes it even harder!

  3. We use that same phrase in our house too! But you’re right, Mamas are most happy when we nurture the happiness of the entire family. I think that part of our nurturing is the teaching and that can be tough because the ‘happy’ from some teachings may not show up for several days, months or years later. Great post.

  4. I really like your line of “if you’re drowning you can’t tow anyone else.”
    Wow.

  5. It was very freeing for me when I realized all I could do is be the best wife and mother I could.
    It’s all I can control.

  9. In my experience others first NEVER works.
    Me first then you.
    (Well, God first :))

  10. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I completely agree that having a happy family depends on both the happiness of both parents.
    I know from personal experience, that when one parent is anxious or depressed, it affects the entire family.

  15. which is why I chose to get my butt out of bed at 4 in the a.m. to run up and down my street (as fast as I could) with an eye on my house when my daughter was little. I needed that “me” time before my work day-set the tone. And being a single mom, I knew that if I didn’t get my “me” time in early, it probably wouldn’t happen, nor would I have the energy after teaching all day. Daughter now, at 27 has great discipline, exercise routine and nutritional habits. All from observation as I never preached nor pushed anything.

  17. Thanks so much, Carla, and thanks to you all. I appreciate the support! It’s been a delicate balancing act and an ongoing process…which I think really sums up marriage and/or familyhood in a nutshell.

    Nettie, I don’t blog anymore, but thanks for asking. I’ve considered getting back to it, but I just haven’t found a way to make it fit into life at the moment.

  18. My husband has always been good about making sure his needs are known and filled. What took us a long time was how to make sure there was balance between him getting what he needs and me getting what I need and the kids getting what they need. Sometimes that means bringing in a third party (a babysitter or a grandparent) and sometimes that means someone takes the short end of the stick. What we’ve gotten really good at is making sure that the person that is “taking one for the team” is never the same person for long.

  19. THis resembles my hubby – he has ALWAYS put everyone else first! I try to get him to do for him but it is hard – he wants to put all else first. He grew up being a father figure as a kid so I am not sure it is what he likes or he just can’t change but I try to help him.

  21. Love this! Lisa Nichols said something similar to what you mentioned about being an example to your kids. I’m paraphrasing here but it’s along the lines of ” you are the best example to the world of how the world should treat you and you are the example to your kids of how they should expect to be treated.”

  22. This, I think, has been one of my toughest lessons to learn. Always trying to please others and putting them first – of course it meant that I was often miserable – and therefore less capable of pleasing those others … big downward spiral. This really hit a nerve. I get it, I do and I’m working on it.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Importance of Self-Care: Why Others First Isn’t Always the Best (post response). We often hear the phrase, “If Mama isn’t happy, nobody is happy,” or “You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.” I am a firm believer in self-care and this post from Valerie (in response to one of Carla’s posts) dug a little deeper into what it means to care for yourself and the impact on your family and loved ones. […]

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