4 Tips for taking criticism without falling apart.

by

 

I’ve been slammed with How did you get a book deal?! emails the past few days. While this isn’t the how per se—it has tremendously helped me both in that endeavor and life in general.

rsz_screen_shot_2014-06-22_at_45900_am

Writer-Carla circa 2000.

As a healthy living community we rarely chat about the learned skill of taking CRITICISM.

We’ve focused on the importance of accepting a compliment gracefully.

I’ve yammered how deflecting or diminishing a nicety denigrates the giver (never our intent).

We all too infrequently discuss how much better (take my word for it) and easier (yes! yes!) life is when you DON’T amble through it internalizing criticism as life-ending critique.

rsz_2screen_shot_2014-06-22_at_50410_am

(didn’t like my book? no worries!)

For me acquiring the skill has been a process.

Now that I possess it (for the most part. I’m human), I see how it’s equally as pivotal for life success & life-happiness as as being able to accept kind words from others.

The ability to hear, integrate, and not grow defensive as a result of constructive criticism has helped me grow (as a writer. as a sister, mother, wife, friend.) and deepened bonds of trust in all my relationships.

Screen Shot 2014-06-22 at 5.25.29 AM

(you dislike my body-art? that’s ok!)

The ability to assimilate criticism well is a learned skill.

I’d never considered the fact it’s not innate until it came time to teach an uber-sensitive 7 year old about the importance of graciously accepting thoughts/ideas she may *not* wish to hear.

In attempting to explain the concept of constructive criticism to her dawned on me how like a muscle it is.

Taking criticism with aplomb is a trait we need to build *and* keep strengthened in order to maintain (OOOH fitness tie-in!).

Before I share my tips it bears clarifying I’m operating on the assumption our criticism-profferer is an individual whose opinion we value/are compelled to value. A loved-one, family member, friend, boss etc.

4 Tips For Taking Criticism Without Breaking a Sweat:

1. Don’t be a 7 year old. This is the most basic of tips–yet the most commonly done. Don’t lash back at the criticizer. As we’ve talked about with compliments take a moment and sit with the uncomfortable words. Do not reflexively reciprocate with criticism of your own.

2. Listen. Internalize. Do a body-check. Ask yourself where you feel the *stress* of the critical words? Neck? Pit-of-stomach? Shoulders? Work the mind/muscle connection & focus on relaxing those areas during & after the criticism-experience. Physical relaxation serves to lessen the mental-stress of the critique.

3. “If this weren’t ME…” Step back & ask yourself what you’d think if the words were *not* directed toward you. I do this with criticism of my writing. I pause, read critiques through lens of Reader NOT Writer & gauge my reaction. The majority of the time my response becomes one of Oh yes! That does improve my message.

4. Remind yourself imperfections do *not* make you a failure. Progress not perfection. No one is perfect or is born with the ability to receive criticism without breaking stride. When I offer Tornado constructive criticism she & I also chat about how my parents “helped” me in this fashion. We discuss how striving to smooth our rough edges or imperfections does NOT make us failures.

rsz_538066_10151719771744466_567227029_n (learning to take criticism well is a process)

I cannot emphasize enough how learning to take constructive criticism without defensiveness has helped me grow.

And, if said growth isn’t motivation enough for you freelance-writer types, editors adore working with me because they know I welcome suggestions without doing number one above.

That’s never a bad thing.

And you?

  • When you’re on the receiving end of constructive criticism how do YOU respond?

POSTS BY EMAIL

Never miss a post. Enter your email to get my latest posts delivered to your inbox.

Comments

  2. YES to #4! I know I’ve gotten better about taking criticism over the years, but it’s still a struggle! Thank you for this toolbox 🙂

  3. I used to work at the Writing Center at UNH. I dished out constructive criticism all day to students wanting/needing help with their writing. I also became pretty adept at receiving criticism with regards to my writing. Then I met my husband…what made me fall in love with him was the fact that he was willing to challenge me. I can remember bristling at his first challenge: “So why do you think you’re still living this way?” he asked, in reference to my struggle with anorexia. I know his challenges and criticism will make me a better person–they HAVE made me a better person. But very often I bristle and become defensive at criticism: inside I’m throwing a raging fit like my four year old, my heart rate shoots up and I sweat (really need to learn to employ #2!). Usually I calm down and realize that I need to accept the criticism and adapt accordingly. For me it takes time, probably too much time. I think this skill: learning to take criticism is a huge marker of maturity. I’m sure that such a skill will be increasingly in short supply for the next generations whose communication is entirely through social media: “OMG U R sooooo awesome!!!!!” Great post and congrats on the book!

  4. You are right! This is not talked about enough, and it needs to be! A few months ago, one blogger wrote something that wasnt too nice, and I took it SO badly, I started to question my blog, and took it waaaayy too hard. I needed your tips then, but I will have them now for when it happens again…which naturally it will. This is so important, I feel like generally I am pretty good, but we have to learn that ability in all areas of our lives. Thanks for the tips, and for being the one to think of this post!

  5. I am the poster child for not learning this when I was young.
    It is so important.

  7. Very interesting! I spend more energy trying to provide truly ^constructive^ criticism than I do worrying about feedback on my own work. I usually roll with the suggestions if they are made in private, but #1 and #2 would be key to accepting criticism in a more open forum.

  8. I’d not thought about explaining this to the twins yet.
    I also hadn’t considered how my body feels when I’m being criticized.
    I get lots of it at work LOL

  9. It is funny because I take criticism differently from different people…. (and truly – I am my own worst critic). For the most part I shrug things off – but there are a few individuals that definitely are harder to quiet in my brain. Am trying to be better all around. 🙂

  10. I love this. I often think: would I treat a friend this way when I self-talk, but hadn’t considered would I be so defensive if criticism was said to a friend or am I over personalizing it .

    It’s hard not to for me.

  11. Taking criticism is SUCH a difficult but valuable skill! I learned it as a kid playing the violin and skating competitively. It was pretty ruthless. I’ve also sat in job interviews and been told how completely unqualified I was….and inside I laughed in his face because I KNEW he was passing up a great opportunity (ME!) haha!
    A great like skill for sure that I”m working HARD to instill in my kids.

  13. This has definitely been an “it gets easier with age” thing for me. I think being accepting of criticism, or at least letting it slide off my back, is really a gift of my 40s. In so many cases these days, I just don’t care!

  14. Being 60+ I really don’t care about criticism, no matter what kind it is.
    If you are “out there” with blogs and writing, I think it just goes along with it so be prepared to take it.

  16. Step number one made me chuckle out loud. I’ve been guilty! 🙂

    But in all reality, I will welcome it! Any and all amounts! There’s never a shortage of room for growth, and I’m ready!

  17. Seriously fabulous tips. Especially when I was younger..umm even my 20’s I took all criticism very hard and very personally as a sign that I was failing. I don’t know what switch flipped to help me start seeing it differently…maybe just time or realizing that criticism doesn’t have to be negative and it’s important to consider the source

  18. And just to take the opposite viewpoint… sometimes the criticism is NOT constructive… it is just lashing out on the part of the spewer. Shrug it off and move on.

  19. This is a really great post! I actually work as an attorney editor and people take my edits incredibly personally (it’s not them, we have to follow a very specific style that most people don’t use in their writing). I’ve received such aggressive reactions to my changes that I honestly don’t ever want to work with these people nor would I recommend them to anyone looking for an attorney! I think writing is a process and no one does it perfectly. Also, there are a lot of subjective opinions out there and sometimes the writer has to bend to the will of a publication if you want your article published even if you think you are right!

  20. Love this. As a former scientific researcher I got over being defensive about my writing a long time ago. Scientific editors and reviewers almost make tearing others’ work apart a sport. Where I still need reminders to respond better to constructive criticism is in my relationships with my husband and children… Thank you for this tool kit!

  21. Are you talking to me? (she says defensively…) just kidding, but yes I do all those things. I see it in my son now too… he is defensive… I will take this advice and hope it makes me a better role mode. to him!
    Beautifully written. Thank you sweet friend!

  22. Every word I put on paper is my baby. So it’s always been hard when someone doesn’t completely love and adore the baby. But over the years, I think I’ve found that I need to decide if I’m writing for ME or if I’m writing for OTHERS. Oftentimes — especially in a blog, or on FB, I’m just writing for me. Amusing myself, having fun, letting ideas out of my head to make room for new ones. So criticism doesn’t really matter. If I’m writing for others — clients, or an audience I’m trying to influence, or a group I’m trying to teach — then I mine the feedback for commonalities that will help me make it more effective.

  23. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this. (as always!)
    I have found that generally if you are truly confident in your own choices and actions, that someone’s criticism does not affect you. It is often when you feel a certain amount of uncertainty that you feel defensive – and then perhaps those things do require a second look.

  24. Great tips. Sometimes it is hard for me not to initially take things personally and have my feelings hurt, but usually when I think about them later on I do a better job using that criticism to fuel new and better plans.

  25. Taking criticism is so hard but so necessary. I’ve gotten to a point where I see it as a way to learn and grow, instead of viewing it all as a personal attack. That shift in mindset has really made handling criticism much easier.

  26. I need to have my oldest son read this, too. He won’t even let me proof his papers because he doesn’t want me to say anything negative. I always tell him it’s not negative – it’s helping him and if I don’t do it the teacher will!!!

  28. This notion of being able to take criticism was a big part of our Tough Love talk at Fitbloggin. It’s not just about being willing to be the kind of friend that can “call someone out”, it’s about being in the headspace to be able to receive honest feedback without getting angry, blowing it off, or letting it crumble you. #BigGirlPanties

    There is always something to be learned.

  29. Yes! I love getting feedback, but it took me a while to really see it as a gift and learn from it. My last job it became part of the culture and really helped me grow in so many ways. At my current job, it’s not a common scenario and I miss it!! Criticism is how you get better. 🙂

  30. I spend a lot of my day giving criticism so I’ve learned very well how to give it effectively.

    However, I don’t TAKE a lot of criticism. I have learned that when I do get it, my first question is always “ok, how can I communicate/do/be better”, not “eff so and so, they’re jerks”, so I’ve gotten that down, but it does usually stay with me a while that I did something wrong, sometimes longer than useful. If I was to give myself constructive criticism on taking criticism, it would be only holding onto the thought of it until it’s no longer useful, and in a factual, not emotional way.

  31. I respond fairly well to criticism unless it is criticism about something that I define as one of my great strengths. It is amazing how fragile that pillar is that I have put my badge of intelligence and honor on top of. When I get a comment in those areas it is like I have taken a sucker punch to the belly and I am just trying to figure out how to breath and recover.

  32. I might add in tip #5: Consider the source. Is the criticism coming from someone whose judgment you trust? Is it coming from someone who seriously has your best interests at heart? Then mull it over and see what you can learn from it.

    Is it coming from someone who doesn’t want you to succeed? Is it coming from someone who doesn’t Iike anything that doesn’t smell like them? Then just round file it.

  33. Growing up insecure & having gone thru some bad teasing & such, that defensive stuff is the hardest to learn – to stop, pause, think about it.. your points on that are great ones!

  34. Oh sometimes I have to talk myself off the ledge. It’s hard not to get defensive and really evaluate the situation. I’m also a total fight or flight person which makes it an especially difficult challenge. Great tips.

  35. First, i consider the source. If it’s someone i know is truly keeping my best interests in mind, i try to see it from their perspective and make changes in what i am doing as appropriate.

  38. We always need this reminder I feel. It would be an interesting circumstance to be in to constructively criticize someone for not taking criticism well. I’m a big fan of criticism and try to always take it to heart. Teaching it to a young one, now that is an interesting place to be. It’s better to be good at it from a young age regardless! Good for you in all things!

  39. I’m definitely on board with all of this!

    I’ve benefited many times from criticism, certainly as a writer. I think the way the material is delivered can make it harder or easier to hear, but it’s still in our best interest to hear it.

    However, when I criticize myself, if I do not like it, I know I am on the right track 🙂

  40. Accepting criticism is so hard. I {think} I have learned over the years, at least not to jump up and down like a 7 year old, but there really is a physical reaction that has to be controlled. It is especially difficult to take criticism from our loved ones because we can’t just call them haters and be done with it. Finding a way to separate the thing that is being criticized from our personal selves is necessary. And really listening to the constructive part of the criticism, because that’s how we grow.

  41. SERIOUSLY – are you a fly on the wall right now?!?!?!?!??!?! I have been having this problem since Friday – and I just need to step back and observe whether or not I really need to be offended. I really never care about criticism, but when someone I love criticizes me, I take it very personally… So my issue since Friday clearly has to do with someone I love 🙁

  42. Constructive criticism can be hard to take — especially if you’re not getting enough atta-boys too. With my kids, I always try to keep the positive comments far outweighing the “negative” ones —

  43. I was just about to post a status on Facebook asking how to handle criticism. Thing is, I can digest advices and suggestions but not insults. It really breaks me down and feel vulnerable. I am trying hard to overcome it. Your article will help out 🙂

  44. The tip about physically relaxing to correlate with emotional criticism is spot on. I recently heard something critical, from someone close to me and immediately felt like my stomach was in knots, and that I had anxiety. I let my body loosen up by focussing on my breathing and forcing my body to relax, let me think logically about what was said. I find that writing things down also helps me out!

  45. I think it’s wonderful that you get constructive criticism! There’s this weird place in blogging where you develop relationships people but not to the point where they are able to point out your bad along with your good. I suppose that if I wrote outside of my own blog, I might get some of it. But my point is that people are comfortable with you and feel okay with engaging in a conversation with you like that. That’s great!

  46. I am certainly a fitness junkie, and these 4 tips will certainly stick with me. As long as you are comfortable and like yourself then that is all that matters!

  47. Hey there Carla,

    Very helpful tips, the real trick is to not only remember but to also do these steps at the time when you are experiencing the criticism, so I think it’s really important to spend a little time reflecting on these tips and also associating them with several different times in the past where you wish you would have handled the criticism a little better. 🙂

Trackbacks

  4. […] The Fine Line Between Eating Clean & Eating Disorder – To Live & Diet in L.A. 4 Tips for Taking Citicism Without Falling Apart – Carla Birnberg 4 Reasons to Eat Fermented Food – Mommy Run Faster Tips for Overcoming […]

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This