The lies we tell ourselves: part one.

by

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Oakland.  I had no idea Id love ye.

The below is a flashback! post.

The below is not out of laziness—it’s the first part in a 2 part series.  This piece was written right before our move to Oakland.

 

Ive thought a lot recently about the lies we tell ourselves and the various ways our fibs can work for us.

Ive shared how I think fabrication in the name of COSTUMING is healthy.

We all know about healthy living lies which sabotage our efforts (eating while standing at fridge doesn’t count. birthday cakes are calorie free.).

Lately, with the Bay Area looming on the horizon & everything stuffed into boxes, Ive become majorly obsessed with intrigued by the notion of positive self-deception.

So intrigued, in fact, it’s become a joke between the husband and me.

“No thanks,” I’ll respond when he asks if I want to see an documentary instead of more lowbrow fare. “Bay Area Carla, however, only attends films with artistic intent and subtitles.”

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we liked the OOGIELOVES!

AustinCarla may have grown lazy in her commitment to _______ (<—insert pretty much anything these days) but OaklandCarla plans to do (whatever that is) and then some.

This positive self-deception restricts itself not just to me.

Yesterday morning I invited the Husband to lift weights.

“Not today.” He replied tongue firmly planted in cheek. “I’ll be lifting heavy and training hard when we move. I don’t want to over-train.”

Even though I laughed, I was brought, again, to the concept of positive self- deception.

I considered its proximity to ‘fake it till we make it’ and the ways overestimating our chances of success at new experiences helps us to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I am lying to myself these days and it’s a good thing.

I’m bracketing off/shoving away all negative Oakland-info (rainy weather, hard to get to know other parents, takes a year to feel at home after move) & manufacturing a positive reality to help me better approach my situation.

Lest you fear Ive lost my mind, social psychologists agree self-deception is an effective approach.

  • Research shows those who ‘deceive themselves’ in a positive fashion boost self-esteem/feel better overall.
  • Studies indicate those who positively self-deceive believe they have more control over their environment than they actually do.
  • Information shows we’re *happier* when we CHOOSE to hold views about the future that are more positive than evidence may justify.

How does any of this apply to my relocation?

Allow me to share how Ive chosen to lovingly lie to myself about soon to be OAKLANDme.

Bay Area Carla will:

Be so amazingly organized it will blow your mind out (as the child sadly no longer says):

rsz_20121104-150808 we all know this ISN’T happening.

Be super duper 24/7 social. Non-stop coffees with mere acquaintances. She will NEVER decline an invitation!

rsz_603304_10151091591079143_784913195_n look! it’s social-Carla!

Say: Work? SCHMIRK! There will always be screaming kids underfoot. I will fling open the front door post-move & never shut it!

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She’s The Tornado of socializing.

Morph into a runner! This reportedly fun race will be merely one of many:

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I’ve run one race. Ever.

Hike & bike so much people will wonder aloud if I even OWN a car:

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currently COBWEB’y from lack of use.

Get gussied up. A lot. Lottsa (my version of) fancy will happen in the Bay.

rsz_317914_10151130467604466_161769927_nWillie likes me FAAANCY.

Here’s where many bloggers would provide a cute disclaimer, clarify this isn’t *really* what I plan to do & disclose it was just an interesting concept to write about.

I’m not many bloggers.

I’m *so* doing this.

I’d love your thoughts.

  • Do you think there’s a difference between ‘fake it till you make it’ & positive self-deception?
  • Are you one to proceed with caution believing this deception a dangerous, slippery slope?

 

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Comments

    • I find the more I pretend something the more true it becomes.
      Remember the Orange Rhino project?
      I still remind myself I am a really patient mom and it is slowly happening.

  2. I like the idea of setting myself up for success, but I think that’s different.
    How long have you been in Oakland?
    Did you do these things???

  4. It’s interesting to me it all comes back to control.
    When we think we have it even if we really don’t we feel better?
    I need to consider applying this to my job.

  5. I think we all have coping mechanisms (mine is to always go to worst-case scenario and then be pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t happen) and if this is what works for you, then there’s nothing wrong with it!

  6. we are on year six of fake it till you make it.. and guess what, we broke down. I felt bitter. In fact, last week sh*t got real. So now we’re saying, just focus on what might happen, but have a plan B. and re-evaluate in 3 month’s time. Does that make sense?

  7. Carla! your posts are always so thought provoking! I LOVE it! Hmmm, I think there may be a minor difference, but either one is helpful in boosting confidence, it makes me think about fashion. They say that as long as you feel good, you will look good, and it doesn’t really matter what you wear, people will respect you for rocking that look. That is faking till you make it, and I have been doing that a lot in my running, trusting that it will all work out, and I think it is starting to come together…..this could easily link in to my visualization thoughts…..I am not going to get into that now. Either way, very interesting, and I love that you are going to keep being a runner. You are already there 🙂

  8. I really think this works.
    When I know something is going to be challenging but I choose to see otherwise it helps.

  10. I have to concur with Lindsay – I have done the deception thing & it really broke hard on me – most recent as you know & now it may take to my death years to climb back out unless we win lottery… I think my prob is I hope so much to make the things happen I want to & been at that thru life but in the end it left me in a bad position. Working hard does not always pay off the way we want it to… money does matter in the long run to survive.

    As for fake it till you make it – that was more for me when I did not feel good about myself & the other, positive self deception, sounds more positive to me… for me at least.

    I guess we all have to do what is right for us, lessons learned along the way

  11. I think fake it till you make it is different than lying to yourself. The difference is in the awareness. When you deceive yourself you’re denying and not being honest as protection, but when you fake it, you change your behavior but still have self awareness. Awareness is really key I think.

  13. i think creating the life you WANT requires a bit of maneuvering, if you will. this may be in the form of ‘faking it’ but who cares? i mean, the way i think of this question is that sometimes i am NOT in the mood for intimacy but my partner is. i know inside me that i can get myself there but it requires some internal jostling and maybe a dash of self deception, but guess what. afterwards he’s so happy, it’s worth it and i’m happy. it didn’t hurt me, it wasn’t hard. it’s not horrible to give love to someone when you’re not in the mood, it just takes a bit of internal jostling. the rewards are great. happy. happy.
    so i guess this is what i’m thinking about. as far as other parts of life, well i’m working on it.

  16. Shakespeare’s Hamlet is the proof that if you pretend to be something long enough, you become it. (He made himself insane.)

  17. I had barely “met” you when you wrote this post – I remember the move!
    I hope that part 2 is going to be about how well the fake-it till you make it thing has worked!
    We do that some mornings around here – fake being pleasant until we are happy and ready for the day!!!

  18. Self deceiver here. Every Wednesday when the alarm goes off at 3:50am.
    Hill repeats at 4:30am will be great! I’ll be strong! I’ll cruise up that hill over and over again! Hooray for hill repeats!

    Reality: the hill is a bitch, I suck serious wind and feel anything but strong….but I do kindasorta have fun doing it. And my behind gets out of bed every Wednesday morning at 3 freaking 50am all year long. 😉

    Is it a bad thing that I lie to myself? Nah. (It’s worse that I believe myself every damn week!)

  19. The key difference for me is that I see “fake it till you make it” as a more internal effort, and “positive self-deception” as something that might depend more on outside forces (and therefore run a greater risk of backfiring).

    Saying, “I’m someone who enjoys the company of others!” is a fake-it-till-you-make-it (FITYM) if you’re willing to ALSO make the necessary small changes as part of your “faking” it. I think that can be really helpful.

    Saying, “I’m someone who met the love of my life by enjoying the company of others this year!” is something I would consider positive self-deception. But I think it might be a set-up for failure, because now an outside force (in this case, another person) is involved. What happens if you make the small changes, expand your comfort zone . . . and don’t meet that person? And now you have to deal with that internal disappointment at not meeting your “goal?”

    I like FITYM. I’m not as sure about “positive self-deception.”

  21. How very very interesting.

    I’ve been working so hard to shed myself of self-deception..the lies I tell myself that are damaging and the lies I tell myself to avoid addressing issues that I really need to address (physically..emotionally) I haven’t considered self deception to ever be a positive thing…but that’s the thing, isn’t it? When you see something as completely good or completely bad..there is always a middle ground.

    I adore that you always give me something to think about. 🙂

  22. The problem with “fake it ’til you make it” (for me) is that there tends to be a *knowing* that you don’t really believe what you’re faking, and so it faking it – while temporarily “working” – isn’t usually long-term. For me, the key to positive self-deception is inching towards thoughts and beliefs that FEEL good (even if they aren’t yet “real”) and then the action I take is much more sustainable and certainly doesn’t feel fake. It’s about noticing how I feel when I think whatever it is…

  23. It Works! I’ve used this in my job as a fooball coach to change the mindset of the team. We all “faked” us to be Winners and the results showed of in our matches.

  24. I think that we all do that in some form with visualization, goal creating and setting and dreaming. Who doesn’t want to dream positively, for themselves and others? Jack won’t part with an old bag of boxing equipment he has had since we started dating…I’ve never seen him use them. He won’t part because, “I will box again one day!”. So we hold onto them for that time, because it makes him feel happy. If you have the best of intentions, that in itself is great. Life day to day gets in the way sometimes and we have to step back, see through it and find those “I will one day” dreams again. You have such a gift for words Carla! Love it! And love you being in the East Bay! xo

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