It’s OK to wish Mamahood away.

by

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Who wouldn’t wanna SAVOR these two?

Last Saturday morning I leaped out of bed with an enormous To Do list.

I had a few things I knew must be checked off by 530a (hold me) or I’d not be where I needed in order to slow down once the Child and The Chairman were awake.

I didn’t really mind waking so early because it allowed me to slow and savor later.

It’s how my life is structured these days and it feels (felt?) like a really great trade.

As I drank my coffee I considered these facts and began to write:

I lead a very slow existence.

Gone are the days of frantic go go go work routines.

No more are the late nights out having liquid-enhanced fun.

My first appointment of the morning is no longer with the coffee maker—but with G-d.

I sit.

I savor the silence of the dawn.

I meditate.

I treasure the peaceful pre-day moments.

The entirety of my day unfolds with the backdrop of savor.

I peek in and watch my daughter sleep.

I savor the sight of how tiny she still looks.

I recognize how ephemeral these moments all are.

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 Who wouldn’t SAVOR dress-up play time?

As anticipated I didn’t get very far in my writing.

I wrote the passage above, finished my coffee, and heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

Within moments I was greeted by this face (and moments after that this face freed the crated Chairman & we were off to start our day.):

rsz_screen_shot_2014-10-05_at_52620_am And I savored.

I knew I wouldn’t return to my writing until that night, yet I didn’t mind.

“I love my life.” I reminded myself.  “Some day I will have far too much time on my hands and *wish* I had an exuberant child and energetic puppy to mess with my morning!”

Later that morning the Child brought up her upcoming birthday.

I know what I want! She announced.  I really want an American Girl doll that looks like me and has my hair and skin color.

Like all good Mamas of the digital age—I grabbed my iPad and immediately searched American Girl dolls.

We clicked and skimmed and scrutinized their colorings.

Too light! we dismissed some.  Hmmmm too dark! she dismissed others.

As we searched I flashed forward to her birthday.

I visualized a box arriving in the mail, her ripping it open and, even though we’d checked it out online, the doll being ALL! WRONG!

“You know what, I said.  Let’s GO to the American Girl store.  There’s one pretty close.”

And off we went.

And I savored. 

I reminded myself how tootoo soon she’d no longer care about dolls.  I savored the opportunity to share this time with her.

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Who wouldn’t savor this opportunity?

The store was exactly as I’d been warned.

Overpriced (not too much of a worry as Id made clear we were *not* buying that day) and somewhere an eight year old would want to stay for hours.

And stay we did.

She played, puttered, examined, and touched.

And, at first, I savored.

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Who wouldn’t savor that THIS is the doll her child wanted?

And the minutes turned into an hour.

And, to be brutally honest, the savoring STOPPED.

I.   Was.   Over.   It.

I watched as other parent-types walked right up to the door, opened it and exited.

Sweet sweet freedom.  TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!! I telepathically screamed.  I’m done savoring.  I’m over this!!   I’m wishing it away.

And it got uglier from there.

Good lord, I thought  Right about now it sounds amazing to have you older, disinterested in both dolls and having anything to do with me.  I’m wishing away! I’m wishing away!

And yep. It went downhill from there.

I wished away.  I wanted the whole trip–even though it had been my idea–DONE.

I tried to bribe her with the purchase of a coloring book even though I’d been emphatic about no purchases (No thanks, Mama. I just want to play).

I grew obsessed with the fact I had so little down time and this was how I was wasting it.

And yes–I mentally used the word WASTING.

I started to get really, really irritated.

And then I laughed out loud.

We are a society obsessed with slow living and mindful living *and* being present *and* savoring (myself included) it felt gutsy BRAZEN to think:

Hell yes I’m wishing this sh*t away!!!  Screw the savor!

And with that I not so subtly nudged the Child away from the wheel-chaired doll, hurried her toward the door and regretted it not one bit.

I possessed an awareness only an afternoon at an American Girl store could provide:

More moments than many Mamas wanna admit are made to wish away and not to savor.

And, if I *ever* look back in nostalgia at the afternoon and “long to have it back” it will merely be because I’ve forgotten how stick-in-the eye it truly was.

And that’s OK.

I never returned to the post I started—you’re getting this one instead.

No savor.  No mindful, slow living.  All scr*w that.  I’m over this.

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Comments

  1. We’re you spying on me yesterday? I had the almost exact day/thoughts except we weren’t at an American Girl store (THANKFULLY!). There comes a breaking point where there is only so much savoring to be had. I reached mine and got the hell out of that store!

  4. yes! Thanks for putting it out there. Just because you love motherhood and/or your little one(s) doesn’t mean you have to love and “savor” every.stinkin.minute of it.

  6. Too many moments like this to mention but I typically don’t tell anyone, especially my kids. I talk to myself – a lot!

  8. oh you have endurance! i would not have lasted that long. and that is okay! To grow weary. I do that with other things. Not savor. So thank you for that permission and perspective on this much needed wacky wednesday!

  9. I <3 this so much. It's been a loooonnnng time since I had little ones at home, but I still remember the moments like those (and the vague guilt that goes along with them).

  11. “Sweet sweet freedom.” I literally laughed out loud. All parents deserve an award for risking their sanity going shopping with children. Love this post! 🙂

  12. The granddaughters LOVE American Girl…. I have not been to the store but the other Grandma has… I get this though – sometimes it can be craziness with some of the growing up stuff but we do it…

  13. I feel like this at some point every day – both feelings really! Motherhood is a life of extremes for me – one minute tearing up over how precious my time with them is or how sweet they are to each other. And the next I’m counting the minutes until bedtime because they’re screaming and trying to kill each other. There is no middle ground being a mom!

  14. We feel the way we feel…I’m over feeling guilty about it. And it doesn’t change with grandkids either..

    Sure, I AM more patient…but internally, I am whining and complaining every single time I am forced to play that horrible evil candyland game. I hate it so much…..

  15. I am in complete awe of people who have children.

    And yes – I think that in any area of our lives, no matter how much we love what we’re doing, we aren’t going to be savoring EVERY moment. And that’s okay.

  17. Too many days that “should” be spent outdoors playing or indoors spent reading and having fun end up instead being wiled away in the laundry room or whatever. It’s okay. Not everything is going to be good and great when you have kids, and it’s okay to want to get away from it all once in a while.

    That’s why my yearly sanity retreat was born.

  18. Oh thank you for saying this!!! I had a moment like this this morning. My daughter is coming to the school where I teach meaning the once quiet and calm 30 min drive is now with her. Yes there are drives that I savor and love our conversation but today if I had to answer one more “How old with Aub be when I’m…” question I was going to bust!!! PS I tried to look for an American Girl doll for her with brown curly hair and brown eyes…nothing yet!

  20. Oh, yes. Dear God, yes. I admit – there are many things I will savor and wish I could go back to, but not everything. Right now that list includes algebra homework, soccer practices, and 8 hour drives in the car. Ahem. I’m sure tomorrow’s list will be different….

  21. Oh how this brings to mind the countless days we spent in the play castle at the mall. I savoring, then tolerating, then waiting then removing said child, sometimes kicking and screaming…

  22. Ahahahahaha – oh, how you took me from borderline eye-rolling to spitting out my (savored) coffee!!! I love you with the heat of a thousand suns!!!

    Thanks for being human, lady. xoxoxo

  23. I wake-up with my boys most days and start savoring. By the time they get on the bus at 12:30 I’m SO OVER IT! At least we’re savoring some of the time, right??

  24. I have never been to an American Girl Doll store (hallelujah!!) but I have done my share of wishing mama hood away. Most of the time now I’m tugging on the reins trying to slow it down but then one of my teenage boys has a moody day (who knew this happened with boys?!) and I want nothing more than for them to move on. Glad those days aren’t the norm.

  25. This is a reminder that “too much of anything is not a good thing.” Or whatever that quote is. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could snap our fingers if we could have ANY part of our child’s childhood, when we want it? The sweet snuggliness of infants (and being able to carry them around in a basket – pre mobility!), the wonder of toddlers (one minute at a time please, like when they are transfixed with seeing clouds), the innocence of pre-adolescence, the independence of teens, the capability of young adults. But no, we get each phase “for better and for worse” when it happens for as long as it happens. Personally, I love the young-adult stage more than any that has come before, mostly because it allows me as much SLEEP as I want/need. But I do miss little bits of the other stages.

  28. When she is 25 and living away from home…well, you just might want to relive that moment, but stay longer to savor. I miss my “little” girl…and my big girl is so far away.
    I have my daughter’s two American Girl dolls and all the “stuff” that goes with them put away for future girls (grand-daughters? Grand-Nieces?) to play with them. They are of heirloom quality.
    And although I RUSHED through my life having to work/parent/drive to and fro when kid was younger, I don’t recall ever being in a similar situation. I relished everything as I knew she was the only kid I was ever going to get to be a mom to. A gift. A miracle. Truly.

  29. I am no mama and to be honest, I have never really wanted to be one. That being said, my mom and I have a phenomenal relationship and I certainly want what she and I have in the future…. But how can I have a daughter in her 20s… I don’t want to deal with all the younger BS – because the crap I went through, ugh! It put my mom through hell too – ha!

  32. I can so relate to this Carla!

    And yet now, as Kenzer has started middle school, and is becoming more and more independent, and I’m realizing that come March when the little one arrives she will no longer be my only one– when she’s in her room playing quietly with HER American Girl doll or reading for what feels like an eternity– I find myself making my way to her room to just plain “be”. And I’m back to savoring all over again while I still can.

  33. I definitely get this way when shopping with my kidlets at times. Love them to bits but we all have limits. Retail shopping with kids triggers mine early!

  34. Ah, its so refreshing to hear a mother be authentic and admit the real truth instead of pretending its all butterflies and rainbows. Thanks for this!

Trackbacks

  2. […] It’s OK to Wish Mamahood Away. So on the day that I wrote about the need to slow the rhythm of rush in our lives, Carla wrote about her desire to wish away an afternoon she spent with her daughter at the American Girl store. It’s kind of ironic since Carla is usually the one who reminds me to be live mindfully, yet our roles were reverse on this day. Maybe a sign that it’s OK if we both live mindfully AND wish away some moments in our lives? […]

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