Love languages.

by

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her <3 language.

Almost exactly a year ago the Child & I experienced our worst morning ever.

The worst morning in the eight years I’d been a mother and, Id venture to say, worst for her *ever-ever.*

The specifics of it are unimportant (exhaustion + losing a family-member with solo-parenting slapped on top)–what’s important is it felt horrible and wasn’t how either of us strives to behave/live.

I dropped her at school, walked to work, and remember feeling unable to shake the sense of “That sucked and it was mainly my fault. I snapped.”

What could I do to make things better?

I couldn’t come up with anything.

None of my ideas sparked a:

Yes! That’s what would convey to her how sorry I am and how much I love her.

I considered what she does to express love for others.

Her declarations encircle my wrist (hello rainbow loom!), wrap around my neck (yay! homemade necklaces!) and are hung all over the house.

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That was the day it (finally) dawned on me her love language is receiving gifts.

More specifically, homemade items.

She’s a year older.

We’ve moved (again).

Yet, for the most part, little has changed.

Except one thing.

She, too, has identified her love language and learned to ask for it.

She’s discovered what soothes her (something many of us never learn) and has also realized (!) requesting it doesn’t lessen its power or value.

It’s this final piece which has blown my mind out (as she no longer says).

She treasures receiving her love-language gifts whether she asks for them or not.

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(lunch box note surprises!)

As she packs her stuff for school she’s taken to asking:

Did you remember to leave me a note?

Even though I’ve *always* remembered (night before missive writing FTW!), I’m consistently surprised had I not & had I needed to dash one off right then it would still be enough.

Asking does not lessen its power or value.

When I questioned her (“Wouldn’t it be disappointing if I forgot & you received the note but had to remind me?”) she shook her head.

 I wouldn’t mind.  I just know I want a note when I open my lunch.

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(note-gifts take myriad forms)

I attempted to explain how sometimes big people feel receiving our “gift” is diminished when we have to ask for it.

This made little sense to her (I don’t get it–but you get what you ask for right??) and, the more we discussed it, the less sense it made to me, too.

To that end, I’m recommitting to identifying what I need and clearly asking those around me for it.

I’m re-defining my language of encouargement and sharing the definition with others.

I’m mimicking the nine year old and I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

And you?

  • Does it diminish your joy when you “receive” after you ask?

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Comments

  1. I need to be more like your daughter!
    I love receiving gifts (I have not done my love language thing) but if I have to tell people what I want—forget it!

  2. When you put it like this, it seems silly NOT to ask! I love when my kids teach me life lessons 🙂 And the cut-out hearts! I want those in my lunch…guess I have to ask!

  3. I really loved this so much so it made me cry a little. I really related to this because I realized how much I needed this with the crumbling of my marriage. That was the one thing that it lacked and now I know that I should ask for it in whoever I have my next relationship with. To me it’s about cherishing every moment with the one you love so I will be sure to reciprocate it too.

  4. I hadn’t thought about trying to decipher what my boys’ language is.
    I wonder if that would help with tantrums, too?

  5. LOVE THIS!!! The hubby and I both read and identified our love languages when we were engaged, so helpful and I seek to find others love languages so I can better love them!

    I frequently leave notes in the hubby’s pakced lunch…or like yesterday he knows my love for splurging on smart water – and brought me two home!!! since I am snowed in with two teething babies – it’s the little things sometimes!

  8. Awww this is very sweet. I love that you realized the T’s love language. I guess I never thought about mine. I tend toward the independent side and would do well if I learned to ask for more.

  9. yes! in fact, the husband and i are going over ours again. we lost touch over the years.. like the tornado, we are older and things changed. time to rekindle that!

  10. I LOVE this! You are the best mom ever- I hope I can be as insightful with my own kids as they grow up and show me how they express themselves. This is a wonderful reminder that I need to be more aware of their language and how I interpret it! Thank you <3

  11. Awww such a sweet post! I love that she knows her love language already and doesn’t mind asking for what she wants. We all could learn from her example.

  15. I have never read the “love languages” book, but I know one thing–there is nothing like the love of a child. I can only hope that I will have half the relationship with my children that I have with my mother. I know that what we have is beyond rare–she truly is my soul mate (Alex is my male soul mate). It honestly scares me a little to have had such an incredible relationship with her.

  16. I had a hard conversation recently with someone I love, but had not been showing it well. We both felt slighted by small things (and big things too) but we both decided to just ask for what we needed and the more we asked, the more we each wanted to know what the other needed. Now I get the kind of hugs I have so longed for and he gets the attention he needs too. Being in the middle of those hugs does not feel any less sweet because I asked for it – it actually feels a little more awesome BECAUSE I was brave enough to finally ask for it.

    Miss Tornado is wise beyond her years…probably because she has such a great mama. 🙂

  17. I love the Love Languages quiz. My husband and I both took it. My number one was words of affirmation, and his was acts of service. We both ranked high on quality time, too. It makes a lot of sense after you take it!

  18. I used to think my Love Language was gifts but as I’ve gotten older I know that it is time. And, lately I have asked for that -I will tell Chris that I don’t care if the bathrooms get cleaned, I would rather just hang out together when he has the time. I think it is because I spend so much time alone since my job is fairly solitary now.

  21. I am with the tornado – asking for exactly what I want does not diminish the gift for me. But getting a gift at the last minute that seems as though the giver stopped on the way home to check an item off a “to do” list does not feel loving to me at all. Now you have me thinking what my “love language” is.

  23. I’m finally in tune with my 9yo son’s love language. I didn’t recognize it for what it was at first, and thinking back to that makes me sad –I didn’t pick up on how important it was to him. Nevertheless, I get him now and we’re both happier for it. I love this post, Carla.

  26. Even a happy face drawn on a hard-boiled egg is great! Still leave notes around for hubby…post it on his smoothie in fridge, note in his truck, and love boxes to daughter across country…none of us ever has to ask. yet. hope never.

  27. Asking for it (my love language is acts of service) only takes away from it if the resulting act is done with a bad attitude. If the act is performed with no whining or attitude, then I’m fine with having to ask.

    Not sure what works for my boys yet. Pretty sure the younger one is gifts.

  28. my love language is words!!!!!!! give me anything and everything but i need to hear an “i love you” or get a sincere hug! man friend’s love language is definitely gifts though, ha ha, it’s interesting to deal with both his and mine – 😉

  30. To be honest, it does diminish it for me sometimes. Maybe I’m just too negative about it. My language is Acts of Service, and I feel that if something obviously needs to be done and someone doesn’t offer to do it, I resent that. I love when my husband says “What can I do for you?”, but if I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and everyone else is spaced out doing their own thing, I shouldn’t HAVE to ask. Help should be offered if it’s obvious that someone needs it.

  31. I love this post and I love that she asks for it. I’ve been working on trying to identify my love language and what it is exactly that I need (or how I want to feel). It’s definitely harder as an adult because it gets filtered through so many different lens. The times when I ask, it’s usually because I’m in desperate need of whatever it is that I’m asking for and I’m frustrated that said person hasn’t thought to offer it without my prompt. So in that way, it does diminish it for me because I’ve had to ask but there is a burden off my chest once I do ask.

  34. This is such an interesting concept. My godmother always asks me to provide her with a list of what I’d like for birthdays / Christmas, and she gets me what I ask for… and it definitely does NOT diminish at all. I get super excited about it!

    And yet, if someone asks directly for something, I feel like the surprise factor must be taken out and therefore it would be diminished for them.

    (Why do I think that other people would feel differently than me about this?!)

    I’ve never really thought of the application in other things in life, but… yes. The nine-year-old is so wise. So important to identify what we need and be okay with asking!

  36. I’ve been pondering over this for days. When my niece was little (and we were very close) she’s give me the most obscure of gifts: a tiny scrap of knitting she did at school; a plastic hoop to wear as a bracelet etc. I always treasured them as I knew they were her way of trying to repay me. She told me she loved me etc but I’d give her almost anything she asked for and I think she realised that.

    After reading this post, I’ve also been pondering on the fact that – in your lunchbox note case – the regularity with which the gift is given also doesn’t diminish its value., which is lovely.

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