The Value of Pain.

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Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 4.17.04 AM(Carla note: I adore The Invitation, too.)

Please welcome my writer-friend, Valerie.

And, because writers WRITE, the below was simply her comment about my Happiness Bullying post.

Because it resonated with me Ive asked her to share it here.

I hope it resonates with you as well.

I’ve spent several days pondering this post. Carla always makes me think – some days more than others. Sometimes it’s an immediate, “Yes!”, while others times I may spend days cogitating and letting something resonate before I’m ready to discuss.

This was one of the latter occasions.

It made sense to me right away, but I could feel something simmering at a deeper level, so I took time to think about it before commenting.
Today, I woke up just struggling with a few things, and as I pondered how to “handle” that, this sort of fell into place, and I realized why it resonated with me. It’s this:

“I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.”
—Oriah Mountain Dreamer, “The Invitation”

There is value in sitting with one’s own pain, one’s own grief, one’s own self-doubt and uncertainty, rather than constantly working to be positive.

I do believe that, especially if you suffer from depression, it’s important not to wallow in constant negativity.

That can become a neverending downward spiral if you let it.

BUT

I also have learned that if you are incessantly batting away painful feelings, you’ll miss important things that your soul is trying to tell you.

Sometimes, you’re sad for a reason, and it might not be what you think it is – but you’ll never figure that out if you just try to eliminate that sadness without ever sitting with it and letting it find voice within your heart and mind.

It’s not wallowing, it’s a conscious holding of space for pain because generally, pain has a purpose and you need to know what that is.
Some pain, particularly the pain of losing someone you love, just demands to be felt. Other pain carries a lesson with it. But all pain deserves to be acknowledged and respected, because it’s what you feel and it’s valid and real.

Sometimes it’s really important to do that yourself, and sometimes it’s important to let others do it as well.

Sit with their pain, and your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

 

Valerie is a mom, a writer, and a paralegal, in that order, who’s decided there’s just no finer thing to be than a woman in her 40s with decades of learning and experience behind and decades of the same in store.

When she’s not working, #wycwycing her fitness, or shepherding daughters through the pitfalls of life, she’s feverishly committing to digital paper the 1001 story ideas clamoring in the lovely chaos of her mind. And she’s navel-gazing. A LOT.

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Comments

  2. “Pain has a purpose”
    Reading that made me think of my daughter and when she’s sick and I tell myself fever has a purpose.
    It makes so much sense.

  4. I have learned when I “bat away” any feelings I’m missing the important messages I’m supposed to receive.
    Beautiful post.

  5. I recently said to a friend, when I was going though a hard time, “I just want to cry.” Her response was “Cry. Cry hard and loud and do it every time you need to. Feel it and release it so you can move on.” It was some of the best advice I was ever given.

  6. Yes. This is one of the many lessons I learned through yoga teacher training – not necessarily the training itself but the experience of it. When we constantly bat away the bad feelings, we don’t actually acknowledge or feel what we’re going through. And sometime you need to sit with the pain in order to know what to do and how to move forward. And I do agree that there’s a difference between sitting with pain and wallowing.

  7. Pain is very necessary in some circumstances, I agree. Especially with grief of any kind. After my father died, some of my friends just kept saying “it gets easier, you just have to keep going” but at the time that seemed totally unlikely and it doesn’t really get easier, it just changes. I agree we all have to keep going and find positive aspects to all situations (I do believe that is possible, eventually) but people do need to be allowed to be sad or with themselves about stuff from time to time.

  8. Pain is incredibly important. This is something that I have only learned in the past few years, but as hard as it is I am trying to sit through discomfort bc there is always a learning and growth experience at the end.

    For many years I escaped all negative feelings with drugs and alcohol, then exercise, then food. It is a perpetual cycle of numbing the feelings, coming down, feeling even worse feelings compounded on top, and the subsequent numbing of those. The longer I try and put off the pain, the longer it stays around and the more insidious its manifestations become.

    Without pain and discomfort, I am not able to appreciate the happiness and joy of life. I am not able to truly experience being a vulnerable and imperfect human being. As much as I hate to admit it, the negatives are just as important as the positives in life.

  9. This came up recently in a conversation with my daughter. She was doing an internship with older women (most with various stages of Alzheimer’s) in a care facility. One woman who had just lost her husband kept being forced to participate. My daughter recognized that she needed to go through what she wanted to go through, when she needed to and let her. But she let her know she was there for her. Her professors disagreed….I think she needs to be on the staff….

  10. Could not agree more. I am a big believer in working through pain, not burying it. I’m married to someone who would rather bury it–it’s tough sometimes to have these very different approaches!

  11. This is a really interesting conversation. I’ve recently started learning about the Enneagram, which is a personality typing system (sorta like Myers Briggs) but it focuses more on the weaknesses of each type and how as we grow as a person we overcome those weaknesses and become more whole. I’m pretty sure I’m a 9 in that system, and my weakness is avoiding pain… which doesn’t sound that bad until you carry to its logical conclusion and realize that sometimes avoiding pain means avoid hard but necessary conversations, “going along to get along” even when you don’t agree, and generally ignoring who you are to make peace at any price, etc. So for me at least, learning to sit with pain and accept it as a necessary part of life is a really important piece of my growth. (If you want to geek out on Enneagram stuff with me… this website has a ton of great info and quizzes of course! http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/)

  13. Pain is some thing hard to let go and really it will take time for pain to heal and just need to give it some time.

  14. Important words here. It is always best to allow yourself and others to feel their pain. The wallowing is not necessary, nor is it healthy, but feeling sadness and giving yourself permission to feel whatever it is that your feeling is so vital for our emotional health. Running has allowed me a place to let it all out– when I come home I feel much better. It’s magical how that works. What a lovely post Valerie- such a pleasure to be introduced to you. xo

  17. there have been many times in my life where i had to put my pain aside and take care of a loved one. i didn’t mind, i wanted to be strong for them. to me my pain was less imporant than their pain and comfort. however this became second nature to me and it got to a point where i was not able to show my pain or feel my pain, i had fear that i wouldn’t understand how to deal with it. i could deal with someone else’s pain, but my own? terrifying.
    then i found recovery. i surrendered! i asked for help and took it.
    then i found a RAGE pillow. i have a pillow that i will SCREAM into when i’m just losing my mind with pain and feelings i can’t handle. i love this pillow. so does my husband.

  20. This was a wonderful and touching post. I have been fairly good at allowing my family and friends to sit with their pain and not try to fix or gloss over. I am practiced at just being present to them when they need that. I have NOT been very good at doing the same for myself. Now that our youngest is off at college, I have been allowed the luxury of therapy, and of learning how to do this for myself. I have swept enough pain and sadness under my emotional carpet that it’s not enough to simply allow it to come, I need to go in there with a crowbar and wedge that crap out! It does scare me, but the thought of being disconnected from it and not learning the lessons it has to offer frightens me even more. It is valuable work.

    Thanks for the post Valerie, and thanks to you, Carla, for sharing it with us.

  21. Well said.

    For me, I have to write to release. Photography is another creative way for me. I also have to run or workout in some way as a way to do that as well.
    I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety and ADHD for years. I know it’s always going to be something I have to live with. So, I thank God that He gave me these passions that allow me to use creativity to deal with some of it.

  22. What a wonderfully written and thought provoking post. I am learning that it is better to deal with the feelings than try to stuff them away in some box in my mind.

  23. Yes. All of this. It reminds me of the saying “The only way around is through.” I couldn’t have survived the last 2+ years without letting myself experience what I needed to.

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