4 questions I ask my daughter each day.

by

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summer walks = best time for talks.

I’m not one to assume people by nature are duplicitous.

I’m am, however, consistently surprised how transparent people are when offered opportunity to reveal themselves.

When one is silent and listens kids will people will share everything.

Everything which, at times, includes “turning themselves in.”

Allow me to back up and bring you into my misfit train of thought.

My sister works in human resources.

Once, as I filled out paperwork for a job search, I asked her if people really fessed up on the questionnaires I’d been given/she used at work.

The pre-hire questions used to suss out (<—first time using. not so much enjoying) individuals of a less than honest nature.

I wondered aloud if this was a waste of time or if people admitted Yep. Stole from last employer! Totally fired from last job for smuggling office supplies out at night!

I still think about her response as I go through life (not hiring but) truth-seeking:

You’d be surprised what people will answer if asked.

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ahhh, the potential for question-asking is endless.

At the time just asking seemed simplistic, but decades of life later I see how right she was.

It was her remark (coupled with experience asking the wrong kind of close ended yes/no queries) which sparked me to decide to ask my daughter 4 questions each day.

The same 4 questions.

It’s become part of our routine.

It’s become a facet of our daily chatter.

It’s surprised me, ala my sister’s response, how blunt and honest her answers have been.

You’d be surprised what people will answer if asked.

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The questions themselves aren’t complicated:

  • What are you most looking forward today?
  • What are you most dreading?
  • What was the best part of your day?
  • What are you most grateful for today?

The responses, however, often are.

During the academic year I pose the first two as we walk to school (a luxury I’m grateful for).

There’s zero eye-contact.

We’re both on the lookout for “amazing things” as she calls them (baby deer, armadillos…).  The fears and joys contained in her answers have, at times, shocked me.

Her uncensored resplies when I ask and listen (no verbal interruptions ever) often surprise.

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amazing(ly blurry) photo of a nursing fawn.

I believe routine (it’s just part of our morning) and the lack of a static backdrop (our walk constantly changes) has helped facilitate her honesty.  I think, to an extent, she clicks into a sort of relaxed autopilot and in the greatest of ways ceases to censor.

I typically pose the second question fairly close to where we part ways. At times, the relief she’s displayed at being able to share her “burden” before heading off solo has been palpable.

Initially, I worried my second question might plant the idea of dread in her mind.  I wondered if my asks should all be framed positive so her mind didn’t travel to the negative.

The more I’ve asked her, however, the more I realized she’s far more grown up than she seems.

Most days there is something she’s not looking forward to and my probing provides us opportunity (but not too much. no time to obsess!) to talk about it and often work through.

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it’s easy to underestimate what’s happening inside there.

On days where there’s nothing she’s dreading she happily responds just that and runs off to find friends.

You’d be surprised what people will answer if asked.

The third and fourth questions unfold organically as we wrap up our day.

Many times I ask the third on the drive home from school (there’s that freedom of no eye contact again) and the fourth right before sleep.

I’ve posed these questions to her for years with only the slightest of accidental variation at times.

I don’t know if they will work/remain the same during the impending tween years (!), yet I hope laying the ground work of consistent communication will at least allow her to know I’m interested.

I’ll listen.

I will let her share and communicate without interruption or judgement.

You’d be surprised what people will answer if asked.

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she’s growing up so quickly.

So far they’re working and providing me glimpses into her worries.

So far (and potentially just for now) they elicit no eye rolls or sighs of “Moooooom.”

You’d be surprised what people will answer if asked.

 And you?

Whether you work with children, hang out with small people or have a child(ren) of your own:

  • What questions do you consistently pose to the small people in your life?

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Comments

  1. When we would ask our kids what they did at school, and they said “nothing,” we asked if they really just sat on the floor and looked at the ceiling all day. I tried asking what was the funniest thing that happened, and sometimes that worked!

  3. So, so wonderful!!! I consistently ask the boys the “best” and “worst” parts of their day at school to get the most fun stories out of them! The excitement in the “best” usually leads to long drawn out tales they would not have otherwise related 🙂 Parenting can be the most amazing thing ever 🙂

  4. I LOVE this!!! Carla, I wish someone actually invented the invention I created as a kid in my mind; that you could write on a pad in your mind for future reminding, cause I would tell my future self to ask my kids this! hahahha long way of saying that huh? 🙂 What an amazing idea, and steve shall be my guinea pig….:) Thank you for sharing, I hope you share some of her answers someday 🙂

  5. I am where you fear, Carla.
    My daughter is suddenly sullen and withdrawn and now I realize I too have stopped asking her anything.
    I need to try and probe more again.

    • Just be there for her and don’t probe too much…it will just add to the silence. (My experience). I just left communication lines open- with suggestions that I was there to listen, not preach. Help and not lecture. She’s 28 now and comes to me when she has life questions.

  6. As I get older I wonder if it’s more in the listening than the specific questions?
    I still don’t know…

  7. This is so true for young ones. Teenagers will not answer any question you ask them. Every day I ask my son “how was your day”. He responds “same”. Even his texts are one word answers. I get no information from him. Unless we’re in the car, driving somewhere. That’s where both my teen boys spill it. Crazy, right?

  10. love this Carla. I try to ask my kids questions about their day, not just how was your day? Because inevitably I’ll just get a “good” for a response. I like the idea of asking those first two questions on the way to school and then getting them to reflect on their day. We don’t do that enough.

  11. I love this. I try to ask my daughter similar questions though I am not sure I do all four every day….I need to make it a habit and let it happen organically as you have!

  12. Instead of questions (which can often lead to no answer, eye roll or a quick “yes”, “no”) start with a “Tell me”-
    It will be interesting to hear about the responses you get (or don’t get) when she is 13, 15, 18?

  13. Love that! It’s so important to keep the conversation going as they get older. My kids talk about everything with me now, but there’s a time when asking will be necessary to get any info out. I always need to remind myself to ask questions and listen.

  15. I love this! I don’t always ask the boys the same questions each day, but I do probe into how their day was, what they enjoyed and didn’t enjoy. I always ask, how was your day and they enjoy laughing as they always answer good. Of course, it isn’t always good and they will spill it in the car or sitting on the deck.

  16. Practically from the time they could talk I asked both of my kids what did you learn today and what was your favorite part of the day? Most often at dinner time or at bedtime. Now that I think about it, as teens they both love to chat while I’m making dinner. The things I will miss when my son moves to college in Aug. He has graciously agreed to meet me once a week for dinner for the first semester. #bestsonever!

    Didn’t expect all of that did you 🙂

  17. I ask many of those very same questions of my 9 yr old. I do get eye rolls sometimes. Or a very obvious response like “I’m looking forward to recess” but there are definitely some gems in there. I cherish those one on one moments!

  18. I think it’s wonderful that you ask her these questions. Growing up, we ate dinner together every night and would have conversations about our day. I think children need to have a safe place/person/people that they can talk about the good and the bad.

  19. My youngest two children and I have a similar ritual, but at bedtime. We each ask and answer three questions; what was the best thing that happened today? On a scale of 1 to 10, how was your day? And what would have made your ‘7’ an ‘8’?
    Surprisingly, my daughter started this ritual, not me. And using the same language every night is a wonderful end to the day. I think I shall add the gratitude part tonight xo

  20. My questions are way too simplistic. “How was your day?” and “What did you have for lunch?” I had three boys (grown now), they were not nearly as willing to share as girls, I’ve learned, as I’m now dealing with two 5-year-old granddaughters who are willing to tell me as much as they can remember, while the 9-year-old grandson would rather not talk at all, and be left alone to play his video games.

    I think you are raising one amazing 9-year-old!!

  21. I certainly think the question of: WHAT ARE YOU MOST GRATEFUL FOR TODAY – is extremely important! Too often we just coast through the day/life feeling sorry for ourselves when really, we all have it pretty amazing!!

  22. That side-by-side contact is really the best, isn’t it? I use it still with my teen and it’s a great way to open up the lines. Love your questions and it’s a great practice to have.

  23. Not having full time kids, this is something I never pondered but I think would be great for the grandkids.. I think I will send them this post.

    Mostly now, I want to instill in them that they are enough just the way they are… I really never got that when I was young & you head into adult life feeling like that…

  24. I’m saving all of this terrific advice for my grandbabies when they get a little bigger. I am relishing the role I will have in their young lives. I grew up with no grandparents and my daughter has only has my mother who was never involved much. I want to be a huge presence in their lives and I am taking all of this to heart.

  26. My two boys are grown up now but I used to reserve awkward conversations (sex, girls, etc) for the drive to school. No eye contact made it a little easier. 🙂

  27. I have always asked each of my boys what was the best and worst thing about their days – the answers are often surprising and have led to some great conversations. Lack of eye contact – especially with my soon-to-be 13 yr old is key!

  28. While mine went through, and still go through, phases where they don’t share much, mostly they will come to me and tell me about crazy or fun or funny things. If i aske them what nutty things have happened, or what’s up with friends, they generally answer. The trick, sometimes, is knowing when they are ready to answer, and when they are still stewing and don’t want to be asked.

  29. I love this! My daughter is 2 years old and I have found myself asking her the same question more than once a day, “are you happy?”

  30. My husband always found that my daughter would share with him when he didn’t ask questions. He would just do stuff alongside her, and then, after an hour she’d open up. I am all for asking the questions…but with our youngest (who is now 21), he would get the most information.

    The question I ask my daughters, and also my clients, is “what surprised you?”

  33. That last photo! <3

    I definitely think that people often won't say things – either good or bad – if they aren't asked the right questions. And I often feel that there is SO MUCH I could say to people, if they asked me the right questions – but since I'm not being asked those questions, I don't feel it necessary to say anything (which is also one of the benefits of blogging 😀 HELLO outlets!).

    I try to make a point of asking people questions as much as possible. Partly because I really am always interested in hearing what other people have to say – and partly to provide other people with an outlet if they just haven't been asked the right questions – and I love how frequently both of those things overlap.

    One last thought: the *right* question for one person won't necessarily be the *right* question for someone else. That's one of the great joys of having conversations! There are so many questions we can ask and directions our discussions can take – and if people aren't responsive to one question, it's probably because they need it framed differently 🙂

  35. These are great! I too have a list of open ended questions that I ask my kiddos… I need news ones because now they say, “I know, I know, what was the best part of my day?” little stinkers.

  36. i think asking the tough questions make your relationships tougher, stronger. Because you know what’s really on their hearts. keep at it, it’s worth the tug. xxoo

  39. This is great. I think the more SPECIFIC questions help. Just asking someone how their day was, we are all conditioned to say “fine” and move on.

    My husband and I tend to ask each other “what was your favorite thing today?” and sometimes on great days, the answer will just be listing everything out because we can’t pick, and sometime on not-so-great days it will be “right now” – usually when we’re in bed or on the couch relaxing.

  40. What great questions, and I love the ritual of it. Having it be a regular thing makes it seem more just a part of the day than an inquisition- more apt to get an honest response.

    With our kids, we used to have “gratefuls” at dinner time in lieu of a prayer – everybody took a turn saying something they were grateful for. Anyone could take a “pass” (tho’ they rarely did) and only positive responses could be made to anybody else’s grateful. We started doing it at holiday dinners, and, although the extended family didn’t know what to make of it at first, eventually regular guests would ask “is it time for gratefuls?” Some pretty interesting stuff occasionally came out there, too…

  41. I try to ask them “did anything fun, new, exciting, or different happen today?” When they were small, it was usually a response to one of them… as they got older they began responding with something in every category.

  42. I have a mantra in the morning with my seven year old daughter. It’s “Have a good day, be a good girl, learn something new, and pay attention”. Then when I pick her up after school I asked what was her something that she learned. Sometimes it will be nothing but she’ll have something else about her day that she wants to talk about. Also in the mornings I’ll ask her if there is anything on her mind she wants to talk about and most mornings she’sll say “No Mommy, I just want to hear nature”. Visiting from #SITSBlogging

  43. Carla, I so love this and definitely hope to emulate a similar pattern with my daughter. currently, i make it a point when i come home from work to ask her about school (she’s 4), why she did, ate, etc, but as she gets older, i want to ask questions. what i love about this is that it not only allows them to share the positive aspects of their day but it also helps you as a parent help them deal with any negative things they might be dealing with that you would otherwise probably not know. thanks again 🙂

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