Im your second best friend.

by

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A few months ago, I had what felt like a momentous conversation with a friend.

We were messaging fast & furious on the Book of the Face (something I try never to do as I envision a Zuckerberg-glitch spontaneously making secret tidbits public) following a long discussion-thread on my personal wall.

I’d started the thread in an effort to find a yoga retreat and, as a result of poor phrasing on my behalf, had been misunderstood as a mass invitation to all peoples! to attend said retreat with me.

“You’re just too popular.” My friend joked. “Everyone wants to be with you!”

“Actually, not.” I clarified. “I’m OK with it, but I seem to always be everyone’s second best friend.”

Typing those words felt like a tremendous share.

I adore this woman. She’s someone we all adore and want to be connected with.

Ours started as an online friendship, we’ve met up at conferences, and I admire her both personally and professionally.

Revealing this fact to her felt deeply intimate even if, to my mind, it was also simultaneously something easily seen in my interactions online and at events.

I seem to always be everyone’s second best friend.

I’m uncertain how I anticipated my friend would respond.

I wasn’t fishing for a No way! That’s not true!! as I’m a woman who doesn’t sit well with false words and, whether my friend saw the veracity in my statement or not, it felt true to me.

I didn’t know if she’d think Yeah, I’ve kinda noticed that, too! and simply respond with a vague platitude.

The message which popped up next on my screen surprised me:

I feel that very same way.

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For the next few minutes our missives flew back & forth at an even swifter pace than before.

We connected over the fact we both felt we were the: OK, so if XXX can’t come let’s invite Carla! individual in friendships.

We mused how we might not be the immediate Ugh. I feel sad! I need a sounding board! choice for friends to call, but the one tapped after others turned out to be busy.

We dialogued about why this might be and how this may have happened with our relationships.

We concluded, at this point in our lives, it was all merely information.

We were neither glad nor sad.  We took reality as it was and chose to be OK with it.

I seem to always be everyone’s second best friend.

For me our conversation sparked a stepping back of sorts.

A pondering of why, for many, second best is viewed in a negative light.

I don’t know I love being the second best friend or the second best writer etc, but my perspective is this:

Given the large number in most every situation (potential friends, women writers etc) second best isn’t too shabby!

I’m content being #2 (I’m too type B to be Avis) even when, to my mind, I was r-e-a-l-l-y close to being Hertz #1.

I’d moved on from these thoughts until it was all recently brought back to mind.

I was away and had happily handed over Child & Doodle to the Husband.

A few hours into my adventure I received this text:
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You’re my second most important thing.

The Child’s words and her youthful honesty made me smile.  She intended no malice identifying him as second–to her it was a statement of fact.

When I returned I asked if his feelings were hurt (No, I know you’re her safe-person). His response paralleled my own experience with being #2 BFF:

Even in our winner-takes-all society I don’t feel less-than because I’m not #1. 

I look around, see how many others there are, and happily process the information I’ve come before them in your world.

And I’m OK with that.

Now you.

  • Are you, too, consistently a #2 BFF?
  • In friendship and other arenas does being #2 spark you to try harder or are you, as I am, OK with it?

 

 

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Comments

  1. I really relate to this, Carla, but I am not ok with it.
    Most days it makes me sad.
    I wonder if I will “grow into it” too?

  2. Even in our winner takes all society I’m ok I am not number one at work because I have different priorities than my coworkers.
    I wouldn’t be ok with it in friendships, but that’s me.

  3. LOVE this (as always), and its so true! Especially when someone has a spouse or child in their life, they are never really going to be your best friend. I think about that sometimes. I have 9 bridesmaids (I know I know), but realistically, none of them are my BEST friend as steve is! I love that you show this is nothing bad, to be #2 is actually better in someways, as there isn’t all the pressure 😉 Hehe, you are very loved though, and I am sure you know!

  4. I’m not sure how I rank among my friends but with so many demands on my time, it would be hard to live up to a #1.

  5. I love this and I think it’s awesome that you are still your daughter’s first best friend. I am ok with being 2nd best. I think I am that for a lot of people, but I have a core group of my husband and children and parents who think that the sun rises and sets on me.

    And it’s funny that you say this because you are the only person besides my husband who knows about the news from Friday re: Shoo.

  6. Here’s my response to that: you generally tell the person who will have the biggest reaction news first, and then tell the person that you really want to hash things over with news second: by then, you are ready to talk about it, and you’ve gotten the gut responses over with.
    So, I think you are in a great position.

  7. Wow… I relate to this so much and the ending is exactly why I think I’m people’s second best friend… because it’s just me and my son, I maybe close myself off to some things? I never really thought about why, until I read this…. great post

  8. Sounds like middle school all over again.

    If you get to be my age and have a couple “go to” real in-person friends -well, let me know in 20 years. I find it’s all I need.
    Most on-line “friends” are acquaintances and nothing more.

  9. I never really thought about being second. I just feel like different people are suited for different things. For instance, I have two best friends, but they are such different people. Sometimes, I feel like because I am such a yin and yang myself, that they each balance me out in their own respective way. One I can be more emotional with than the other, etc. I feel like, the same must be true of me as a friend, acquaintance, etc. I know that sort of sounds like we are all using each other as crutches, but I don’t mean it that way. In fact, I can recall a time I specifically asked why I wasn’t called upon first in the situation, and I received the response, “because you’re someone who says no”. Sometimes maybe it’s just our boundaries that make people place us in a certain order, perhaps? Hmmm…

  10. I can relate to this in some friendship circles for sure. Honestly now that I think of it, it might be the case in more than just those! But whatever it is, I am okay with it, because I’m introverted and can only put so much energy into my social life. Family is number one, and my core group of friends all seem to feel the same way and bond over that.

  11. This is me, although I never considered it second best friend. I am always like the rock. The one people lean on first when they need, but not the first one to call when they want to have fun.

  12. You know this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately as I’ve been struggling for 18 months with medical problems and I feel so alone. None of my friends are really there. I often think in those rock bottom moments when I’m in so much physical and emotional pain how no one would miss me if I were gone. I think people are so busy and not present they don’t see the person right in front of them and how much they need them.

  13. Carla I envision you as being the #1 BFF for many if not in real life then virtually. I’m totally ok with #2 or 3 or 10. Hmmm…maybe I shouldn’t be ok with it, but the thing is for the first time, maybe in forever, I am #1 in my mind. I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud but it’s true, I love myself for who I am and I wouldn’t trade that for being #1 to the world. There’s a calm and peacefulness to that.

    For the record I’m #1 in the eyes of my kids and husband too and they never let me forget 🙂

    I know I’ve said it before, but you have such an amazing way with words.

  14. I totally get this and fall into this category too. I’m mostly OK with it because I’m not sure I could live up to being #1 and always depended upon in that way. But I think what I have a hard time is sometimes feeling like I don’t have that first best friend to always turn to because I feel very aware when I’m leaning too much on any one person.

  15. I really never thought about a rank or anything for my friendships. I know that I have a few that I’m among the first that gets called with good and bad news and the fact that those are the same people that I would call in return is really enough for me. The sad aspect of a friendship to me is when it’s not recipricated. Thank you for making me think about this… I love the thoughts that swirl through my head after reading here.

  17. Yes, second best is a great way to think of it. I am that way. I agree with Christine, I don’t think I can live up to being number 1. And that is okay. second best is always sturdy. p.s. i need an update on you.

  18. For me, I don’t like the concept of “best friend”…how would I choose? There are a few women I am really close to. But a BFF and only one BFF sounds too exclusive.

  19. I want to jump up and say, “I don’t care if I’m #2! ( oh that sounds bad- get it, #2?)” anyway, most of the time, it’s true… I don’t care, but there are time that I DO care. Those moments when you need someone to lean on and you get passed over because someone better shows up. I know that I’m #1 to my children and husband, but sometimes you want that one girlfriend who puts you above all others.

  21. “We took reality as it was and chose to be OK with it.” <—This is me with everything in my life right now.
    Being #2 is not a big deal to me…it used to be, but with age I have discovered that sometimes #2 is the place to be.

  22. Carla you always have such thought provoking posts. And I love the C. S. Lewis quote! All of my closest friends are best to me in one way or another. Since ! cherish all of them! If I’m second best to some of them…I just fine with that!

  23. I feel that way sometimes, too! Fancy that! I hang out a lot with two other women, so when we’re all together it’s a group of three. Uneven numbers can be tricky, and I do feel funny when I feel that I’m #2.

  24. YES.

    Most of the time I’m okay with it – and actually GLAD about it, because a) it’s less pressure, and b) people know they can turn to you (the royal) because you’re reliable 😉

    Of course, sometimes it can be sad. But I think that lessens the more that we understand what it *really* means to be #2.

  25. I’m much lower on everyone’s scale than #2. I’m the out-of-sight/out-of-mind friend. The one that when you see, you wonder “why didn’t I think of her?” The invisible one.

    It bothers me, but I’m coming to accept it.

  26. This was totally my story growing up- always 2nd best. It was really hard and always made me feel less than.

    As an adult, I have a hard time forming friendships because I don’t trust people very easily and have a hard time opening up. So I’m not sure if I’d still be 2nd best as an adult…but I imagine I probably would be. I’m glad to hear that you feel the same- makes me feel less alone in the world.

  27. You know I was just trying to give words to this a few weeks ago, trying to explain to One Friend why I didn’t want to “try super hard” to make a planned event happen with another friend, because the Another Friend always makes it a lot of work (on my end) to make such outings happen, and on one recent occasion (for which I put in a great deal of effort), didn’t really treat me very well.

    I am OK with being second best, and, on most occasions, OK with being the one that puts in the legwork to make (lunch, concert, birthday plans, whathaveyou) happen, but on this occasion, I wasn’t willing to do the work, knowing that in the end, I may be disappointed with my Another Friend’s level of engagement.

    I found it difficult to put the right words to it… it’s not that I am (or was) upset or holding a grudge about the incident. And it’s not that I’m not OK with my status as “not #1” in the relationship. Just that I decided to exercise my right to choose for whom I wish to spend extra EFFORT in order to create space and opportunity to spend my extra TIME with.

  28. I often feel this way – about friends, about my abilities, about everything. It’s a real struggle for me and my perfectionist attitude. I’m not type A, but I have the expectations that should really only come from that sort of personality. I’m hoping it’ll resolve itself in the next decade or so.

  29. Very interesting post Carla. Honestly, I have felt this way my whole life – kinda on the outside of groups. We moved 4 times when I was young so I was always joining another group of friends & I think it started there. Even in this blog world, it feels that way. It bothered me, then it did not & then it bothered me again.

    I am not sure how I feel about it but I do less on here due to that & just not having the time to be on here. It kinda helps to be away from it since I just feel not “in” here since I can’t keep up with FB & all that.

    Again, I am not sure if it makes me feel bad or I am just accepting.. I think it changes day by day… 🙂

    Also going thru another crazy hormone time so the emotions are whacked! 🙂

  30. What a beautiful post! So vulnerable. Trust me girl, we’ve all been there. I’m really shy even though I seem extroverted (I’m actually an introvert), so I’ve been there with feeling like the “second best friend.”

  31. I so get this. There was a kerfuffle in a group a friend recently. And I told them all I envisioned our group as tiered and I was in the second tier for a variety of reasons that aren’t important here. I wasn’t upset or complaining – was just trying to explain the way I felt the dynamics were. They all agreed for the most part.
    I think I don’t put myself out there completely enough to achieve first tier status. I like to do my own thing and I enjoy my own company. Doesn’t mean I don’t need and appreciate my friends – I totally do. But I think in a different way than others so I’m left with second tier status because I don’t meet their needs in a first tier way. And most of the time, that is enough.

  32. A couple of years ago a friend (or someone who I thought was a friend) told me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I had too many other friends, and didn’t put effort into my friendship with her. (quick version…) It was ridiculous, but at the time, I was shocked and hurt. I guess she thought I was her best friend, but I have many, and there is no “order” (from best to acquaintance) that I had ever thought about. Of course I’m closer to some than others, but each of my friends give me something unique by being who they are. I realized I can’t be the friend that everyone expects me to be, I can only be me and live my life. And gather friends around me who lift me up, make me laugh, make me think, challenge me, understand me and who’s friendship I cherish. (sorry for the long winded comment)

  33. I’m very picky about friends and I think I tend to put more into that term than others do. I really only need one “FRIEND” but my problem is that I take forever to feel like I connect with someone enough to cultivate that friendship. And then I throw myself into it wholeheartedly.
    Which is why the problem I have with second best friend is when I get demoted to that spot. That is incredibly painful to me.

  34. I do feel like I’m always the second best friend….and it honestly makes me feel lonely at times…like I don’t have the connections I crave.

  35. Being #2 is not something to sneeze at. As one person who came in second in an Olympic event once noted, “I didn’t lose the gold, I won the silver!”

  36. As always I love your perspective!
    I think this applies to so many things. Everything has to be all or nothing. The Best and everything, or nothing at all. There are many this I have, do, love, want that are not #1 – but they all make my life fuller and more wonderful.

  37. As a kid growing up, and even as an adult, I always had a group of friends. Not really a “best friend”, because we were all best friends. I remember even having 4 or 5 of those best friend necklaces with various people. We all got along and just had different kinds of relationships. One gal was the best to go on adventures with. One was the best to just sit around and read magazines and talk about boys. One was the best to get into trouble with. One had the coolest parents that we actually liked hanging out with.

    Now, my husband is my best friend, and I think that everyone in my circle feels mostly that way. We all love hanging out, but rarely lean on each other for problems, because that’s what family is for (or, my husband – he loves helping people). I don’t have a non-family best friend and I’m totally ok with that.

  38. This would be an upgrade for me, as it would allow me to be still invited sometimes.

    My lesson—that has been very hard to swallow—is that if I want to go out or do anything with people (outside of the “invite the whole class” kinds of things), I have to set it up myself. Because I don’t get invited. I’ve gotten together with over a dozen people in the 5 weeks since school let out, and I’ve set up all of them.

  39. Your posts never fail to intrigue me and spur me to comment. I agree with some of your commenters that (1) online friends are rarely BFFs who last, and (2) when you go through serious personal challenges it’s interesting to see who’s there and who’s not. Like, *really* interesting ;-).

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