Why do we avoid feeling fear?

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Lately it’s felt as though my life is one grand adventure outside my comfort zone.

Currently, Lately would probably be a better way to phrase it.

Each morning my feet hit the ground and the very first thing I think is:

Okay, what is it today?

I’ve lived so long outside my zone of comfy it’s begun to remind me of the 90’s phrase “thinking outside the box.”

Remember when we were consistently admonished to employ outside the box thinking?

Back then all I could think was this:

If we’re all endeavoring to be unique and everyone is outside the box—does the box still even exist?

I’ve had these same sort of musings about our comfort zones.

We’re repeatedly told how life begins outside of them.

How everything we desire and our greatest growth waits for us *just* beyond them.

If this is true, then who is still residing in her comfort zone and may I join her there why do we resist the feeling we most experience when we leave this “safety?”

The feeling of fear.

Why do we fight the sole thing which keeps us stuck inside routine when, supposedly, everything we crave is just beyond these feelings of familiarity and ease?

I considered this idea when I wrote a guest post for Marc and Angel Hack Life.

I pondered ways we could prepare ourselves to “fight fear.”

I wrote about how fear isn’t really as paralyzing as our bodies try to trick us into thinking.

I offered my best suggestions how we could push past fearful feelings.

I’m proud of how the post turned out, yet as I’ve learned to live alongside a certain level of fear, it dawned on me:

I need to turn my words inside out.

I don’t need to push past fear or focus on not letting fear hold me back–I need to get close to it and really see how it works for me.

I need to befriend my fear.

I need to view fear not as a roadblock around which I’m navigating (go Carla!), but embrace it as a necessary companion and find the parts which work for me.

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  • Fear makes me feel alive.  I’ll admit even in my moments of why did I agree to this? It’s terrifying! I feel more alive than ever.  When Ive paused to “listen” to myself as I describe situations to friends I can feel, under my fear, I’m more on fire than ever.  It’s as I’ve said to my daughter when she’s nervous before performing.  That’s a good thing! If you weren’t a little afraid–you’d not be alive and this wouldn’t be real!
  • Fear arrives with opportunity.  If I were as fabulous as Brene Brown I might add something here about fear being an indicator I’m about to experience my greatness.  I don’t know that’s true. I do know the majority of opportunities or scenarios which spark fear for me are precursors to experiences which could be really great.
  • Fear builds confidence This has been a topic of conversation around our home a lot lately.  The more we face our fears the more confident we become. If we didn’t have fear around to help us increase our confidence—how would we grow? Which leads me to…
  • Fear is my BFF when I allow it to be.  For the longest time I shoved fear aside with two other BFFs I strive to avoid: guilt and shame.  I’ve changed my mind. I’ve shifted my mindset. Fear, when I invite it in and don’t hide from it, propels me forward. It’s a feeling which indicates I’m working toward good stuff and is something I can use to spark me to action.

I’m no Franz Kafka, but these days I’ve channeled his quote more often than not:

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And, more often than not, it’s working.

Now you?

  • Do you lead a life of striving to banish or overcome fear?  Do you view fear as something to be pushed though in order to succeed?
  • How might you make fear your friend?

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Comments

  1. I faced down a huge fear this past weekend when I went for a big goal in the marathon. Although I failed, I stared fear in the face and went for it! I like to think I face all my fears head on like this but I don’t think that is the case 🙂

  2. Fear and me have a long history! It holds me back way too much in all areas of my life. A few years I really wanted to fear less but some things blew up in my face and it made me gun shy again. Thanks for the reminder that fear is healthy and I shouldn’t run away from it.

  3. Ugh. I’m so bad at avoiding doing stuff because I am too afraid. I need to think of fear as a friend.

  4. I think I have conditioned myself to believe fear is a sign I should flee. I don’t know about this friend thing! 🙂

  5. So, a big NO on the quote “the only thing to fear is fear itself” . . . . I think you need a little fear to help put action behind your your thoughts — otherwise you’re just sitting around thinking this sucks, but whatever. Pretty much everything you want in life is on the other side of fear — getting married / having kids, standing up for yourself, quitting an addiction, sharing your ideas with other people . . ..

  6. I am for a sense of discomfort. Fear to me means that my body and mind are actually alerted to the possibility that some very WRONG might be happening, something detrimental. But discomfort + excitement can yield very real and inspiring results. Harnessing the adrenaline but not feeling that you might be harmed, rather that you are pushing your boundaries, to me leads to production.
    Remind me of this when I am stuck in my comfort zone this week!

  9. This is a great read, Carla! Fear keeps us safe. As Elizabeth Gilbert says, acknowledge fear and the great things it has done for you, but then calm it and work with it on your terms. Don’t let it stop you from unnecessary risk, but keep you reasonably cautious.

    Loved this! Tweeted it too. 🙂 Happy Monday!

  10. It’s true! We need to work WITH fear.

    That’s how I’ve been able to deal with my nightmares this past year – I finally started writing them down and facing the fears in the nightmares, instead of trying to close my mind to them. It’s really helped me to be less afraid of them!

  11. No fear…I welcome it as… yes it’s what makes life worth living! Jumping into the San Fran Bay to swim from Alcatraz, running across the Grand Canyon and back, tackling that 14er (Pikes Peak Marathon), accepting that position on the reservation an hour one way from town and going on home visits out to families who still live in dirt-floor houses with no electricity, grabbing that opportunity to speak at a conference to my peers, completing my 125th triathlon (and yet another AG win!), volunteering at the local shelter, kicking that loser husband/father out of MY house and choosing to raise my kid on my own, flying back and forth across the country (I hate flying) to help my mom who just had a knee replacement, going on a raft trip down the GC and not knowing anyone else on the trip, kayaking in the Pacific Northwest and camping on the islands there….if you look at everything as an adventure, there really is no fear…

  12. really interesting thoughts Carla – I’ve always been intimidated by fear and do my best to avoid situations that scare me. But you have a very valid point that when we do face fear we grow through it and it expands us. Now I have no excuse not to be braver!

  13. I think I need to reframe and start to think when I feel fear it means I’m on a roll and doing what I should be doing.

  15. I don’t think of it as fear, but as pushing my limits, going outside of my comfort zone. It would be so easy to get stuck in a rut, because it’s “safe” there, but life is meant to be lived fully. We only get one trip on this earth, so we better make the most of it!

  16. I have mixed feelings about fear. I think there is productive fear and destructive fear. They are different things in my world. Productive fear asks that you try new things, you feel uncomfortable, but you push past it. Destructive fear is the kind that causes extreme panic and anxiety, so much so that you can turn it into something productive. Productive fear can be embraced. Where as Destructive Fear has to be removed from my world!

  18. Good for you! I think there is fear and then there is FEAR. The first fear is out of your comfort zone and I can push myself on that usually. The second FEAR is feeling something is not right and I listen to that fear and think it is a good thing.

  19. Honestly, it is not something I have ever given much thought, and I’m not sure what that says? I can think of a few areas in my life, however, where I probably let fear rule. Now it’s time to rethink.

    Very big side note–I love that tangerine top you are wearing up there!

  20. I have actively tried to banish it with zero degree of success so now I’ve decided to metaphorically throw it on the back of my chestnut stallion and ride real fast in an attempt to stay just ahead of it.

  21. I have spent my life achieving despite my fear. Has it made me a stronger person? Maybe but almost everything is outside my comfort zone. Yet I need a good rich life so…..But I can end up exhausted and in need of solitude.
    Some people write me off because of that.
    Others write me off because I’m so close to normal but different.
    In NY it didn’t matter but here it feels like a lot of people live permanently in Seventh Grade. I tell myself these people don’t matter but they show their feelings. Usually I can press ahead despite anything but this weekend I couldn’t. Just couldn’t. And I hated myself and felt the loss
    I’m not planning to go into my older age fighting the seventh grade wars in adulthood so I probably will leave after I finish my books. Or I might charm everyone into stopping their stupidity—I used to think it was all me but damn I know now that it’s not. And that’s not a good feeling because I can always change my tude and behaviors but…..

  22. yes and no to everything. there are places where fear holds me back. there are places where I am taunted by fear and push through to show it who’s boss. there are places where a little bit of fear motivates me to do better.

  23. Some of the best outcomes of my life have resulted from taking a proverbial leap in the face of fear. So many here have wisely differentiated between “good” fear that protects us from something that’s truly harmful (and how we need to heed that voice) and the niggly “Ooh, I don’t know if I can do that…” that holds us back from growing and realizing our potential. Great, though-provoking post for a Monday morning, Carla!

  24. I LOVE this: “If we’re all endeavoring to be unique and everyone is outside the box—does the box still even exist?”
    How many things ‘exist’ only because we believe they do? And, if we decide that they no longer do, then what?

  25. This idea of “making fear your friend” is great. I’m still only about 70% on embracing my fear and making it work for me, but those times that I do, my life is so much better for it. When I struggle, it’s usually because I feel I’ve been *forced* outside my comfort zone rather than stepping out of it of my own free will.

  26. I’ve learned the biggest lessons and accomplished the greatest things when I’ve leaned into my fear. Usually if I feel uncomfortable, it means I am doing something different and unknown and that’s where I grow the most.

  27. The title of your post says it all…because really, fear is nothing more and nothing less than a vibration in our body (that we don’t like). And when we start making that vibration mean something bad, it just gets worse. So no, I don’t try to banish or overcome it (at least I try not to). My go-to thought when I notice the fear vibration is: “it’s just fear.”

    • If I’m being chased by a wild animal (or a bad person) I want my fear to kick in and make my mind and body do the right thing!

  28. Deep thoughts for Monday. I’ve always though fear + something I want to do = adrenaline. And I love that stuff. Fear + something I DON’T want to do = run like hell (if I can). But, with either, the thing I’ve found that works is to just keep moving forward. Recognize you’re afraid of the thing… fear is ok. Stopping because of it isn’t.

  29. And I would change the “Fear” to maybe “small trepidation” and doing it anyway…True FEAR (flight or fight) is in your reptilian brain and should stay there and not be messed with or changed. It’s there in us for a reason!
    Look at those uncomfortable times as OPPORTUNITY to do/try/be something you weren’t yesterday…

  32. I am often a fearful person which keeps me trapped in a small box. I have recently been on a mission to break out of that box and to confront some of my fears. It can definitely be freeing when you overcome or face the fear head on!

  33. I think learning to walk with fear is important, but I don’t know that I want to be best friends with it. I think my approach is to break it down, one piece at a time, so I am bigger than it is. I can handle little stuff…and the big stuff, well, it’s made of lots of little stuff, isn’t it?

  34. It’s so cool to see transformation in my clients: from being fearful of fear, to learning to ride with it (safely) and use it to their advantage!
    I have a habit of shying away things as a result of fear. Gotta work on that one.

  35. Carla, a great article on a topic near and dear to my heart! As someone who grew up around a nagging fear, I used to joke about saying good-bye to this “unwelcome friend”. I even wrote a book about overcoming fear and heading out of my comfort zone when finally learning how to dance — at the age of 50. You’ve got a great attitude about life and it appears you are engaging it with gusto! Thanks for sharing with us all.

  36. I certainly have faced fear in the face many times in life… job interviews, bodybuilding, gatherings out of my comfort zone.. although sometimes fear makes me do & say the stupidest things too… as I age, I think fear is not my friend… I shy away from it more than a lot of older people that embrace it.

  38. This >> “I need to view fear not as a roadblock around which I’m navigating (go Carla!), but embrace it as a necessary companion and find the parts which work for me.” I don’t turn and run form fear as much as I used to but it still makes me feel antsy and twitchy when I try to embrace it.

  39. This has been my YEAR to face FEAR! It has empowered me on so many levels. My word…. I think I have a new look on life!!! Thank you for today’s post!

  40. Every time I go kayak surfing I look out at the waves thinking “nononono, I wanna go home”. And then I get out on the waves and have a blast. Of course part of the problem is that I don’t go kayak surfing enough – if I did then I think that the pre-launch secret freakout sessions would go way down. But I don’t, and they’re there, and I really do look at them as something to bust through.

  41. I love this. Scary doesn’t always mean bad, in fact I think it often means exciting, unknown, pushing the envelope. Fear is how I know I’m onto something big and that if I just keep pushing a little further it will all be worth it. xoxo

  44. This was a good read, Carla!

    I think fear is our biggest challenge as we get older. It can be very constricting. I push back against this all the time, and am always glad when I do. My favorite reminder goes, “Fear is a stern master, if you live in its house, you will be its slave!”

  45. I definitely think fear can be our friend but constant fear can be disempowering and leave us completely impotent.

    I have to admit I’ve felt a bit like that lately. It’s not even that things are constantly going wrong, but more that things aren’t really going right.

    Deb

  46. A great read! Fear is something we should embrace and face head on. We cannot grow as a person if we stay in a place or situation that we are so used to. Take each fear as a challenge and the prize of conquering our fears can be exhilarating!

Trackbacks

  7. […] Carla Birnberg was one of the first people I found in the love-your-body space, and she’s one of two blogs from that time in my life (12-ish years ago) that I still read. This piece on why we avoid feeling fear is such a good one, and it reminds me of how much time I spent trying NOT to feel uncomfortable. I used food, drinking, sleeping, whatever I could think of, just to avoid dealing with my own self-hate. But it turns out, when I went through it, those uncomfortable emotions had so much to teach me. Read Carla’s take here: http://carlabirnberg.com/2015/11/02/why-do-we-avoid-feeling-fear/ […]

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