How do you lick your forearms?

by

Warning: Heavy handed anthropomorphize’ing ahead.

bullmastiff

Once upon a time we had a bullmastiff named Hercules (spill out some kibble for our fallen homie).

Hercules was a gentle giant in the vein of my beloved Ferdinand the Bull.

He looked ferocious, but was great with kids, didn’t require much exercise, and loved him some good trash television.

Herc was also an anxious dog.

He was so frazzle-ridden, in fact, he earned himself the nickname Flinchy due to his tendency to react in that fashion to the slightest noise or tiniest shift in his surroundings.

Flinchy Hercules also possessed a curious habit which quickly drew our attention:

When he was stressed or anxious he licked his forearms. He didn’t stop until the feelings subsided.

sleep mask

Fireworks? Forearm licking.

Suitcases out indicating impending travel? Lick lick lick.

Herc’s forearm-licking became a family joke.

When we found ourselves entering stressful situations “It’s time to lick our forearms!” became a way to lessen our frazzle and calm ourselves.

Metaphorically.

The joke, however, eventually sparked this two-legged family member to pose a query to herself in search of a more literal answer:

how-do-you-lick-your-forearms_1

Sure, Herc’s mannerisms were odd and (st)icky.

Yet, as I watched him self-soothe during a thunderstorm, I realized there was much to learn about calming myself from the flinchy, brindle in front of me.

Self-soothing is highly personal.

What felt calming to Herc wasn’t what Id choose to soothe my stress (been there. tried that. didn’t like the after-goop). Each of us needs to search for and discover our own unique techniques or activities which, when repeated, immediately calm.

Self-soothing is about experiencing the positive.

While it may have been yucky to look at, Herc’s forearm goop/dried crusting didn’t hurt him (we asked a vet). Self-soothing is never negative or punishing (For Herc punitive soothing might have taken the form of nail biting. For humans it might look like over-eating, drinking, over-exercising etc.).

Self-soothing stops when the feeling dissipates.

It never ceased to amaze me how Herc would lick his forearms until calm and stop. He never licked to irritation. It should be the same for us humans and soothing techniques. All things in moderation are fine, but even soothing-stuffs (hello, one glass of wine! greetings single episode of Parenthood!) lose power/become detrimental when done too much.

Self-soothing demands we value ourselves.

To anthropomorphize further: Herc discovered what calmed him, experienced distress, commenced this calming-action because he knew he was worth feeling better.

This piece is crucial.

If we don’t believe we are worthy of good feelings–then it becomes virtually impossible to self-soothe.

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I had no clue how to self-soothe.

I didn’t walk around in a constant state of anxiety, yet couldn’t come up with a singular action which immediately calmed me.

After chatting with friends I learned most of them had no idea what sparked calm in them either.

And they, as I did, wanted to figure it out.

We gathered as a group and brainstormed ways we might soothe our stresses away.

We agreed, for humans, soothing focused mainly on nurturing/being kind to ourselves.

Since nurturing can take vastly different forms, we launched our exploration by meditating on/writing about what felt soothing to each of our senses:

  • Vision
  • Hearing
  • Smell
  • Taste
  • Touch

I learned soothing, for me, takes the form of touch.

A friend realized the smell of cookies baking sparked calming memories/relaxed her even after the shittiest hardest of days.

Another friend’s self-soothing necessitated listening to angry music so she could release frazzle and find zen.

None of us were the same. None of us found serenity in another friend’s approach. None of us licked our forearms.

brindle bullmastiff

And now I turn it back to you:

  • How do you lick your forearms? What aids you in swiftly re-finding inner calm?
  • Have you spent time exploring the 5 senses and examining which soothes you most?

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Comments

  1. If we don’t believe we are worthy of good feelings–then it becomes virtually impossible to self-soothe.

    that line right there, it is going down in my journal…big ah ha moment!

  2. I’m saying HELL YES to what Sarah wrote above ^^^^ and I self soothe with running, swimming in biking so it’s hard to do when say I’m on an airplane! I think I need some better tactics…

  4. “He never licked to irritation.” The things you do to the point of overload are ultimately not self-soothing, but self-harming, as you noted. Now i have a whole new area to think about.

    Self-soothing for me is to stop and sing a song with the radio (under my breath, of course, i don’t inflict my singing on anyone) or to stop and pray/meditate. Even a moment of breathing and saying “Thank you!” while thinking of a good thing in my life can help.

    Oh, and i answered on my blog in the comments, i think the item in question is a ceramic ash tray she made at one point.

  10. I woke up incredibly anxious this morning after a rough couple of days at work. Rituals help me to self-soothe. Reading blogs this morning while sipping coffee has helped me center myself and to face the day ahead. I can’t control what’s going on around me but I can control how I approach it. Damn, life is hard.

  11. We try to encourage our babies to self-soothe, and often forget about ourselves. It is definitely a skill we all need. I just caution people never use food for that purpose (I’m a weight coach!) as that is a slippery slope to lifelong weight problems.

  12. I hadn’t really thought about this Carla – I’m going to keep an eye on myself next time I get frazzled and see what I do to recover 🙂

  13. For me I think it depends? My first instinct is that I want a quiet spot with a good book to read…I think that is basically escape, turning my mind to something else.

    But, depending on anxiety levels, I may also want to eat something or clean closets.

  14. I suspect that this is where emotional eating comes into play for many.

    I have watched some of my canine friends do this… and it can get obsessive and even turn into chewing.

    Nail biting in humans? Wringing of the hands? Nervous foot rotations when sitting with one leg crossed over the other? Pacing?

    I dive into a hot steaming tubful of water and zone out! Warm water always soothes me.

  16. “If we don’t believe we are worthy of good feelings–then it becomes virtually impossible to self-soothe.” I loved this and when you really think about it…it’s so very true. I think I self-soothe by going someplace quiet to read, do yoga or just reflect and re-collect my thoughts from a frustration state of mind to a soothing state of mind.

  17. I had to put a lot of thought behind this one. There are a lot of ways I attempt to burn off stress (activity, being in/on the water, whiskey, netflix, writing, indulging in some sort of food I’m craving, loud music/singing, etc). They’re all definitely valid. But thinking about those true times when I’m teetering on the edge of breakdown, I need two things. A good long husband hug and then to be put to bed curled up with a good book with no impending responsibilities. That is the true forearm lick for me.

  18. WOW!!!!!! I wondered what this post was about?

    If we don’t believe we are worthy of good feelings–then it becomes virtually impossible to self-soothe.

    The struggle is real.

    Great post!

  19. My self-soothing involves running, friends, family and time with furry and feathered friends (pets rule). I think that’s a big reason why I love going to see my mom, dad and their animals. I have two birds, but I’m all about all the comfy things and love all around when I need it. Since I’m still single, it’s all about my family (including those pets).

    This also made me question….can you lick your elbows? LOL. :p

  22. I had no idea where you were going with that title. Ha.

    For me, what soothes me depends on the issue.

    If I’m full of anxiety about something, I need to focus on something outside of myself otherwise I get stuck in an obsessive what if/worse case scenario loop in my brain. So I’ll listen to a podcast or watch trashy TV.

    If I’m angry and need to calm down, I clean something. I hate cleaning and am not normally very good at that part of being a SAHM. But a little angry cleaning is cathartic for me.

    If I’m hurt or sad, I need to touch base with my husband who is my soft place to land in the world. He can talk to me and soothe me out of a pity party. (I usually get a bonus massage while he listens to me blubber.) And he always knows right when he needs to turn off the sympathy and turn on the “get over it and move on” talk. But if he isn’t around, I cry in the shower. I can cry and feel sorry for myself and be a snotty mess (alone – without making anyone else deal with my sad ass) until the hot water starts to wane then I need to suck it up.

  23. First off, I was so intrigued by the title of your post, thinking what in the world is Carla up to now?? 🙂 But this line: “If we don’t believe we are worthy of good feelings–then it becomes virtually impossible to self-soothe.” That resonates so much with me right now. Thank you for that.

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