It Takes A Village.

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Disclosure: This is a sponsored post written on behalf of Quitter’s Circle, a collaboration between the American Lung Association and Pfizer. All thoughts and opinions presented in this post are purely my own.

It’s time I let you in on a little secret:

For years I worked in the wellness field, was well aware of tips & tricks to help me remain on my healthy living path, preached and proselytized said tips & tricks, and didn’t act upon a single one.

It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in the power of these life-hacks – I knew parking further from the front door of my office would be an easy way to increase my step count – I fell into the trap of believing that I was just too busy.

I’d grown so focused on spreading the importance of self-care & prioritizing health that I failed to practice what I preached….probably because I was too busy preaching.

(Spoiler alert: I’ve seen the error of my ways.)

The only thing I didn’t jettison, even when mired in my choosing carts over baskets at the grocery store (free resistance training, people!), was my village.

I never lost sight of the tip that no woman is an island and everything I do successfully requires a village.

In the end, it was my village who got me back on track.

My villagers gently pointed out to me that I’d gotten lost and begun prioritizing others’ needs over my own.

Which is why, even all these years later, I emphasize to friends and clients alike the importance of a village in achieving any goal.

Your village supports you, holds you accountable and, if you’re like me, even carries you during times when you cannot take another step.

Feel as though you don’t have a village of your own?

You do.

You just need to look.

Identify people who’d be willing to serve as accountability partners.

Stop and consider all the various individuals you encounter on a regular basis. Everyone from parents at school drop-off to the people in your early morning yoga class. Don’t limit yourself to obvious choices like close friends and family.

Make a list of these individuals that you encounter on a daily basis, consider which of them you feel might resonate with you as motivating or encouraging, and ASK.

Share with them in a conversational way your current goals, struggles, changes you’d like to make and ASK if they’d be on your support team.

The more I’ve asked people to be my accountability partners in my village, the more I’ve learned people don’t resent being asked to help. People are typically thrilled to be included and often share a goal of their own with which they’d love help and support.

You may also find there’s someone in your village who shares your same goal.

This has happened to me frequently and is a tremendous gift.

Pair up – achieve together.

The two of you can hold each other accountable and celebrate incremental victories together.

Explain precisely what you need.

It can feel obvious to us (Someone trying to quit smoking, may think “I need help achieving this!”), but that doesn’t always translate into our needs being obvious to our villagers.

Clearly articulate to your support people what your goal is (quitting smoking), what you imagine you’ll need as you work toward change (I smoke when I’m stressed. I need to find a new stress reducing technique) and let them know or define for them your Language of Encouragement (even a terse YOU’VE GOT THIS! text can keep someone from picking up a pack).

Define what form of encouragement resonates with you (I cannot stand being cheered on. I adore receiving check-in emails or texts).  Let them know how frequently you’d liked to be encouraged. (Feel free to nudge me on a daily basis. That’s great by me. I’d never interpret it as nagging!)

This clarifying requires time invested on your behalf so you’re capable of clearly defining your needs to your village. Even the most well-intended words of encouragement can at best fall short (and at worse feel discouraging) if it’s not done in your “language.”

Lean on your village.

It sounds obvious, yet bears repeating. Once you’ve identified your people–use your people!

Feeling as though your goal is slipping away from you? Call a villager instead and share how you’re feeling.

Craving a return to old ways? Text a villager instead. I’ve learned the hard way (translation: after the fact) how many people would have wanted to help me – I simply never asked.

For those trying to quit smoking, consider exploring communities like Quitter’s Circle, an online community of other quitters and online resources that can help motivate and support you along the way and where you can build your personal support system through the Quitter’s Circle app.

Ask.

Surround yourself with your village as often as possible.

Find your village. Ask your village for help. Immerse yourself in your village.

You don’t need to end other friendships, but never underestimate the life-altering potential of encircling yourself with those who have your best interest at heart.

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Comments

  1. I joke all the time about needing my village for everything. But I also think it’s OK for me to let them see that I need help with stuff like driving the boys to soccer but not with struggles inside of me.
    It feels too vulnerable.
    Thank you for being human.

  2. My village supports me beautifully. We are there for each other. You are correct that there are people willing to step in and help, all we have to do is ask, and be willing to step up when asked.

    It’s easy to say but difficult to do, the asking and believing there will be a response. Once i attended the funeral of a young man who had killed himself. The church was packed to beyond capacity, probably around a thousand people. Any one of them would have been willing to help him, all he had to do was ask, but he felt so alone he ended his life.

    Even when it isn’t dire, you are aren’t alone. Ask. Things big and little. Someone will help.

  3. I am a life coach and what you say about too busy preaching struck a chord with me.
    The more successful I become the more I feel like a fraud because my own life falls into disarray
    I need to identify my village.
    Great reminder post, Carla.

  5. You can apply this to all aspects of life! I needed my village more than ever when I had the boys and I need it every single day with my training. I don’t know what I would do without my village!!!

    • Carla, this is well said. Just last year I began asking my various tribes for exactly the suppprt I need. Your smoking example was so clear. Being clear about what I need has helped strengthen me and my tribal relationships. Thank you so much for sharing this data. Helped me refocus today. Gonna reach out to a tribe!

  6. Oh my gosh this is so true. I think for some reason we – especially as women? – have been conditioned to think that asking for help equals weakness. We are supposed to be and do and cope with everything singlehandedly and if we can’t, we’ve failed. It’s only in the past five or six years that I’ve truly realized the value of my village and felt comfortable asking for the help I need. That’s made my life so much easier and has helped me get to a place where I’m happy and comfortable and feel capable of achieving even the hardest life changes.

    Online communities are so valuable, too. I know I have never been as successful with losing weight as when I was a firmly committed member of an online community dedicated to that goal. Some of them are some of my dearest friends to this day. Ditto writing – I was never as committed to getting the words on the page as when I was active in my writer’ group. I have to think it would be the same way with quitting smoking or any other major life change.

    Fabulous post, as always. ?

  7. Village people unite….and dance it out if you must but always unite. This unity of pursuit and support IS the magic elixir of life.

    I love this post!

  8. Where I live smoking is the last dirty little secret. Everyone is very healthy. I would see her ask my village to help me with a drinking problem then admit I still smoke.
    I know my resistance is my problem and I bet I underestimate my friends ?

    • I don’t know your situation but I do know that sometimes I underestimate how much my friends really would want to help me. I am a giver so I’m always supporting other people. I bet your friends would be happy to help you.
      When I stopped drinking 10 years ago I needed all of my friends in my corner.

    • Quitting smoking can be really difficult, but it can be done. If you’re looking for additional helpful resources or a little extra support, you should definitely check out QuittersCircle.com

  10. Why is it so hard to ask for what we need? No one means to sabotage us but if we’re trying to break a long held habit without saying anything it SABOTAGE will happen!

  12. This is a great reminder of how important social ties are. As we get older, it can be too easy to let friendships slide. But it’s so important to keep up with our village. Thanks for sharing.

  13. I do need a village for walking (all I can do now) but to find that? Not so easy. We recently moved and most of my friends live far away. I’d love to find a village! Love your honesty and knowledge, as always. Thanks for sharing it with us. xoxo

  14. So good. I especially like the “Explain precisely what you need”. It’s so good for both asker and askee! 🙂

  16. Such good points. The hardest thing for me is asking for help but ultimately it’s a form of self-care I think. Realizing you need others and to be a part of the give and take of a community. Thanks for sharing!

  17. It’s been really interesting to find out who my villagers are since my diagnosis with RA. It’s tough having an “invisible disease”. People I thought would be supportive, not so much. I’m learning who I can lean on.

  19. So – true. Society still makes you feel weak for asking for help. Hopefully this will change over time.

  20. I completely agree you need a village and now I love how some of my most trusted villagers are on line. Whatever the event happy or challenging it is wonderful having people by your side.

  21. I agree — people often love to be asked to help — I know I can rock it out if given specifics (text me Friday morning to give me a nudge to go to the gym) rather than generalities (you’ll keep my butt in gear, right?). During this caregiving journey, I have been repeatedly put in positions (put myself in positions) where there was help available but I was challenged to either explain what I needed or to have the courage to assume someone would be willing to do it. It’s all been a learning process for sure.

  22. ooooh, I like this – it’s like a love languages for your village primer! going through the steps of describing what you need and how you need it is almost half the battle for me – I often know I am in the weeds but don’t know what kind of weeds they are or how to tame them until I talk it out with someone.

  23. I need to print this post. I had an argument with my husband this morning because he wasn’t supporting me and my weight loss journey. When I got angry with him he insisted he was supporting me.
    I’d never stop to consider what I need from him isn’t what he’s giving me. I don’t know if I would ever tell him LOL but I don’t think I ever explained what I needed because I don’t know even I know.
    I know what he needs. To stop smoking but I don’t know he will ever realize. 🙁

  24. I believe in this SO MUCH. I have multiple villages, pretty much for everything that I do! I have fitness/health village people (LOL), parenting village, writing village, art village, caregiver village, and I have accountability and support for each one of those. I pretty much know I can’t do a damn thing on my own 😉

  27. This seems to be a theme this week. The universe is putting this message in front of me for a very good reason. I, like you also need to see the errors of my ways. Thanks for being the messenger. 🙂

  28. I was ready to say I’m uncomfortable with asking, but that’s not really true. When my brother died and I was silent and terrified that I’d never be able to write again, I needed my writer-villagers and they were all right there to swoop me up.

    When I went back to the page, my writing had changed permanently.

    And so, I think that asking is important, but knowing when you have no choice is just as important, and knowing that you can affect others as you have been affected is more important than a lot of things.

  29. You have created a village right here, Carla. Look at all the comments. AWESOME, as usual. My village is my family and a few friends here in California and all of you. Will I have the courage to ask for something when the time comes? Beth

  30. This is so true. It’s so much easier to achieve your goals when you have your “village” there to support you along the way. I think most of us have this “I have to do this on my own” mentality, but just because you have the support of others, doesn’t mean its any less of an achievement.

  31. I totally agree! I’ve been doing the Tone It Up fitness challenges for years and it’s the community that keeps me going! I love seeing other people succeed and it motivates me to keep going!

  32. I am so grateful for my village. I depend on them in just about every aspect of my life – good, bad, ugly. And you’re right – sometimes I do feel like I’m going it alone but when I look and ask, there is always someone I can turn to.

  33. How inspirational! If we didn’t have the support of our family, friends and followers we would def not be where we are today!

  35. I don’t need my “village” for working out or keeping me accountable for what I need to/have to do. I need them when I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to acknowledge how I am feeling when emotions just take over…

  39. Thanks for give us a lot of knowledge i really enjoyed it thanks for sharing this useful information good job great work.

  40. These are all really great points that you made! It makes such a huge difference to have support, positivity and encouragement in your life! I feel like I have multiple villages for all the different things that I do–I don’t know what I’d do without em’!

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