Spotting, Guilt-free Living, & A Chance To (win) Experience Life.

by

Hey Miz. I know you are a big weight lifter and I had a story I wanted to share and also ask you about.  I was at the gym the other morning and a guy asked me if I could spot him (Im a woman. I also was pretty flattered because I must look stronger than I think!).  I said no because I wasnt entirely sure what to do.  How do I know how to spot someone.

First? Thanks for calling me a big weight lifter. I’ve no idea what you intended by phrase and am taking it as a tremendous compliment (*flexes quadriceps*).

And back ‘atcha.

I’d imagine that you appear both strong and as if you know your way around the iron (which we all know is a fake it till ya make it game) since someone asked if you’d spot them.

Now to your question:

Spotting is, essentially, when you assist another person during an exercise.

The point of using a spotter or a helper is that the lifter is then able to hoist or push more than she could do safely on her own.

Technically (fingerquote) proper (unFQ) spotting involves knowing when to jump in & offer a little help *during* the lift and when to JUMP IN, grab the weights and help the lifter set them down/rerack them due to fatigue (theirs. not yours. poor sentence structure.)

In my experience (this is where you jump in, oh Bumbling Band), *good* spotting works in the same manner as a placebo effect.

I know when Im struggling on a final repetition or two, if Ren Man just APPEARS as though he’s going to assist me it’s enough to get this stubborn ole broad me to push through a few more reps.

(wait, is that placebo effect or my being a ornery? not sure…but you get my point.)

The mere suggestion of help is often times enough to assist the lifter to push through a perceived plateau.

In my experience it’s also crucial, in order to spot safely, that the spotter has enough strength to be able to CONTROL the weight if the lifter bails, errr, fails.

Notice I said control.  I do spot Ren Man and, while I cant lift the same weights as he, I can help him to control the dumbbell or barbell if his strength suddenly fails.

Now, all that said, spotting is a highly personal thing.  Almost like this.

People like to be spotted in different ways (“help me at the elbows”  “grab my forearms”) and in different manners (“let me get thisclose to failing”  “jump in as soon as I appear to struggle at all!”).

For that reason and because Im always in a freakin hurry because the Toddler is clamoring to get OUT of the gym daycare I rarely say yes to strangers when asked to give them a spot.

Ive had the idea of ditching the guilt stuck in my head since your guest post.  Not in a good way. I enjoyed the post but then felt worse because it isn’t as easy for me as deciding I’m not going to feel guilty any more.  I still feel guilty. any tips or am I just weak?

Ahhh, Guilt.

And her partner-in-crime, BFF: Shame.

This is a tough one, I think, for all of us.

Even if we now claim to roll pretty much guilt-free none of us started out that way.

Or very, very few of us anyway (FabKate? You reading? You *know* Im looking forward to your opinion here).

Me? I come from a background where guilt is stereotypically our forte.

There are enough Jewish-guilt jokes to fill volumes of books (and movies. You seen Mother? I highly recommend it—Jewish or not) yet I know that we, Jews, definitely don’t have the market cornered on this one.

Me? I think Ive finally aged to a point where I live pretty guilt-free.

100% guilt-free when it comes to food & exercise and, when I feel guilty in other aspects of my life, 99.9% of the time it’s my conscience telling me that I acted in a manner which didnt mesh with my self-definition or personal mission statement.

Healthy guilt lets us know that, in fact, we have done something hurtful or unkind.

BOTTOM LINE: All I can do, oh emailer of ours, is let you know the steps *I* took toward guilt-free living & hope that they spark an ah ha! moment for you as well.

That they might cause you to realized what will work for *you* with regards to releasing the guilt as Ive found no two paths are precisely the same.

*PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY (yep. that’s why I chose it as my theme for the entire year.): It was only when I started to own my actions and realized that whatever I did was, indeed, a choice and not an accident was I able to assume responsibility over my life. This idea, as Ive said before, is entirely freeing for me. I control my destiny for the majority of events in my life! *cue confetti*
*Realizing I’m human. Before I was able to live with out feeling guilty about every damn thing— it was crucial for me to acknowledge I felt guilt because what I’d done wasn’t in alignment with how I saw myself/ didnt help me grow closer to achieving my goals. Once I realized that and was able to love myself anyway I was on my way…

*Forgive myself. Two simple words and yet so tough to do. When we feel guilty about something we, essentially, wish we’d made a different choice/feel emotionally ‘bad’ about the choice we made. I needed to  learn it was ok to forgive myself.  It wasn’t that I didnt *acknowledge* the fact I wished I’d behaved differently—I just morphed from GUILT (which to me is selfpunishing) to REGRET (which to me is a feeling/emotion I can learn from). I forgave myself, learned from my actions, & tried to move forward. Which brought me to…

*MOVE FORWARD. I began to realize that, if I didnt release the baggage of guilt, ‘d be stuck in the same place with regards to personal growth for a long time. Not only does guilt bring along the sidekick of shame but the two hanging out together result in that general malaise we all know as low self-esteem/low self-worth. Remember when we talked about how to take a compliment? Do you struggle with that? Are you one who oft carries around guiltbaggage? I thought so…

Ok, my faithful reading Peeps.
Ive rambled at you enough for one day.
here’s where I toss it back at you & lob the potential freebie your way.
Today’s MizFit Turns One freebie is a subscription to Experience Life Magazine.
One glance at the cover or one flip through its pages will be enough to make you realize that it isnt ‘just another fluff fitness mag.’
Check em out.
Comment below to be entered to win (USA only).

Give us some spotting insights.  Some help on mitigating our guilt.  You pick.  We await.

POSTS BY EMAIL

Never miss a post. Enter your email to get my latest posts delivered to your inbox.

Comments

  1. Once again, another contest I don’t qualify for ***sigh***. I’m not really big on weight lifting, and if you think you need a spot, I suspect you might be using too much weight. Still, if someone asks you for a spot and you don’t feel comfortable doing it, I see no reason why you can’t say no and explain why. Just say “I don’t feel comfortable spotting you because a) I’ve never done it before or b) I think you’re using too much weight for me”. I’m sure whoever it is will understand if you’re being honest. There’s no need to feel guilty!

    – Dave

  2. I love the idea of healthy guilt. I tend to live this same way and never really have realized it until just now.

    I think one of the biggest things for me was moving out of the country at the time which friends/siblings were having babies. I took every, “Next time you see him he will be walking” as them trying to make me feel guilty for leaving. But for us, moving has been one of the greatest experiences I could have ever imagined.. emotionally, spiritually and for our marriage, so I let go knowing that this was the best thing for us. Thanks for this miz!

  3. Hi Miz,
    I workout at home. And have a squat rack – which acts as my spotter. Or, at least as my safety net. That said, I have on a rare occasion, spotted my wife – she’s the only other really using our workout equipment. So…I guess no guilt here…

  4. On spotting…I’ve got nuthin!

    On guilt? I’ve found letting go of ‘guilt’ has been a slow, gradual process. Guilt over ‘wrong’ life decisions, guilt over friendships gone awry….up to and including guilt over putting myself first sometimes when everyone else in my life is demanding my attention. It’s an ongoing process, as time passes, I let things ‘go’. The older I get, the easier this becomes. Perhaps this is why the 40 plus generation says that we become more ‘comfortable’ with ourselves as we get older and more ‘mature’? Perhaps ‘comfortable’ is another way of saying ‘guilt-free’.

  5. ooooooh.
    That’s all I have for the spotting. I needed that explanation and like the idea of it being like a placebo effect.
    I can relate to that.

    The guilt? Where to begin?
    I am actually looking forward to aging and hoping that as I get older I will grow out of it 🙁

  8. This is such a fun week of giveaways! Hoooray! I haven’t ever seen this magazine but want to learn more about it- sounds fabulous. Hope you, the tornado, and that pup of yours have a fab day today!

  9. PEEKING IN.

    this is a good point:

    if you think you need a spot, I suspect you might be using too much weight.

    for me I often wish I had someone to spot me at the final set of, say, a dumbbell press exercise for the chest.

    a lower weight is too easy (I could do 12 reps no problem) but I fear that, should I conk out toward the end, I may not have enough extra strength left to get the weights DOWN TO THE FLOOR in a nonclanky fashion.

    spotting definitely helps me get strong and burst through plateaus….but it has to be used properly/in moderation IMO.

  10. Late 2008 I started with the anti-guilt campaign in my own house *read head*. I refuse to apologize for doing what my heart and head say is right for me. Why should I carry around such feeling over every little thing? I’m entitled to put NO into my vocabulary – miz’ll tell ya!

    This year I am really trying to embrace the personal accountability – it’s soooo tied to choice and guilt.

    Last week I went out w/my family for fried chicken. I overdosed and it was divine. I made the choice to go and to eat the chicken and to enjoy it. I own it. My former “diet brain” would have been beating the crap outta me with guilt; but my new healthy brain says – what’s done is done, now get on the elliptical.

    I’ve wasted so much of my life living in fear and acting out of guilt or the fear of guilt – I just am not gonna do it anymore. *roar*

    Give yourself permission to follow your instincts w/out regret.

  11. Spotting.

    You know that I’m an experienced gym rat, but I never, ever spot for someone I’ve never seen in action. Some people have absolutely awful technique and expect *you* to do half the lifting for them. Others are so wildly out of control that you’re in danger of getting whacked in the head.

    Think how guilty you’d feel if someone got injured.

  12. NO comment on spotting. I’ve never done it, or needed it.

    Guilt free living is my shtick. Aside from the wonderful nuggets you provided, it is important to ask yourself if whatever is bothering you will still matter in a few days? months? years? Guilt’s cousin is anxiety, and often times we worry about things when we don’t have to.


  13. Yep linda. You nailed it with the final sentence in your comment.

    As did you D’mamma.

    Is it Jim Gaffigan (comedian) who does the routine about weight lifting/spotting?

    Where the spotter is saying to JG ‘come on! You can do it! It’s all you. It’s all you. It’s all YOU!!!!’

    (Dramatic pause)

    & Gaffigan (or whomever) responds:

    ‘How ’bout less of me and more of you.’

    Truth. Said. Jest.

    Spot those you know.

    (PSA complete)

  14. When I’m moving around the gym at work to make sure everything’s where it should be, etc., I tend to instinctively apologize to anyone I step in front of. Then one of the guys in the free weight area (who describes himself as a “meathead”), asked “what for”, as in, what are you sorry for.

    Made a huge difference.

  15. Absolutely don’t spot a powerlifting dude if you yourself are not a powerlifting dude. My brother asked me to spot him on bench press once while he maxed out. Thank goodness he had enough strength left to get it up with assistance or we would have felt like fools calling for help.

    Very nice words on guilt. For me, it’s about acknowledging whatever action I feel guilty about, forgiving myself, and remembering that tomorrow is a new day wherein I can again try to be the best person I can be. In whatever way of life I’ve felt guilty about.

  17. I’d love the magazine too.

    And also had a brief moment of DUH when you tied guilt and regret together.

    Today I will work to be guiltfree.

  18. no spotting experience here 😉

    I’ll go with the guilt……..

    Okay, it’s something I still feel and am currently struggling pretty hard with. It’s the whole hunger debate. I feel like I should be depriving my body…..feeling hunger while losing weight. I have been following the zone and though I am still losing, sometimes I just don’t feel hungry and often feel guilty that I am eating when I’m not hungry. I keep thinking of all the starving kids who don’t have food and here I am overeating…..or if feels that way……to lose weight.

    It’s an inner struggle I am working at right now. Very confused. Right now I am trying to balance out my “guilt” by helping others anyway I can……volunteering, donating, etc.

    I will have to read all the comments on guilt so I can have some more insight into this.

  21. Thanks for delving into the guilt thing. I hope I wasn’t too glib in my “ditch the guilt” guest post. I certainly haven’t completely ditched the guilt myself but I’ve gotten better at working toward forgiveness.

    There’s definitely a place for healthy guilt if you’re harming others with your actions. OK, I’d write more but now I have 2 boys and a dog on my loveseat with me. Ugh.

  23. Dang, Linda basically said everything I think about the guilt/personal responsibility thing. 😀

    On spotting… well, I’ve only ever spotted my friends, and it really was “fake it till you make it” as I had no idea what I was supposed to do, except help them when they asked. And that was only a couple times as we all lost interest in fitness and weight lifting and just gained lots and lots of weight 😀

  25. I sometimes lift to failure – not every workout, but as part of a planned routine – because that’s when I often experience big gains. So my husband spots me on those sets, which typically involve taking SOME of the weight off me for the last rep or two. “Some” being the smallest amount possible that allows me to still lift the weight. I spot him as well, because although he lifts heavier than I can, I am perfectly able to roll a barbell off him so he doesn’t break his rib cage or suffocate 🙂 Some people want a spotter just to make sure that IF they can’t make a rep, someone is there to save their life- no interference unless necessary. Obviously any request for spotting requires some discussion of terms.

    Guilt: my best technique is to do some sort of good deed. I mean, I see a sort of hierarchy here: the best thing is to not do something you believe is wrong in the first place, but since we’re all human and guilt is more unreasoning than that, the next best thing is to atone for it by ACTION, preferably in support of whoever you think you wronged, and if that’s not possible then just a general good deed sent out into the world. Torturing one’s self doesn’t do any good, either for you or whoever you think you injured.

  27. I love reading what other people have to say about this. I couldn’t have this conversation with the DH, because he just doesn’t get why anyone would feel guilty about the little things. If nobody else was harmed by it, there’s nothing to make right, and therefore, no guilt needed. Maybe it’s a guy thing?

    His perspective is a good balance for me. If I’m beating myself up about everything with kids, work, etc., on a particular day – especially those days when I’m stretched too thin, and just can’t be anymore places – I have started to ask myself questions from his point of view. It helps.

  29. All I have to say is I LOVE THE MOVIE “MOTHER”. An all time classic. Will watch it again this weekend, and think fond thoughts of you, Miz!

  30. I have to agree with the comments that have mentioned the benefits of having someone spot you. Afterall, if you are not lifting to failure you’re not lifting enough (in my opinion). If you are keen to be able to spot someone if asked, ask a gym intstructor or PT to show you how. It can be done quite safely despite your weight/height restrictions using the correct technique. It would be very rare you’d ever have to take more than a small fraction of the weight (unless they had passed out, in which case drop it and walk away like you were never there ;P).

  31. I’m always good for a spot;) I have a nasty habit of making the rules myself though because usually it’s men that are lifting quite a lot of weight that ask me to help out. So I tell them what I can and can’t do to help them. I even have it down in a nice pat little speech. I like to help them because at several times people have jumped in to help me when I really needed it (and was too proud to ask). Never be too proud to ask for a spot!!! I also think that people asking for a spot are also asking for a bit of encouragement so I try to give them at least a smile and a “nice work” or a little cheer when they PR.

    Oh, and guilt??? Um, I still need to work on that one. Mostly the “forgiving yourself” part.

  32. Ultimately, because I am a follower of Jesus, I know that I am forgiven for my sins. I don’t beat myself up over my past. I do have guilt when it comes to parenting though. Not a nagging, uncontrollable guilt, but a feeling that helps me (most of the time) to make better decisions today.

    When it comes to healthy eating, yeah, some guilt there too!

  33. Well, I’m Jewish too… the guilt is always there. My mom always used to say that Catholics have confession, Jews have guilt. BUT when it comes to spotting, I know that when I had a trainer spotting me, the guilt of “holy crap i paid $100 for this hour” got me to actually work out.
    So, no help on the guilt thing, other than to mock yourself for it 🙂

  34. On spotting, I’m the same as you – I like to have someone THERE but 9/10 times I get an extra burst of energy when it appears they’re going to help me. I’m all “oh no, you’re NOT” and I squeeze out the last 2 reps. It’s the whole pride thing.

    I don’t think it’s about lifting too heavy – for me, it’s often about the fatigue of an hour of lifting. I don’t want to go with the lower weight and get no benefit and I can lift the heavier weight for 3-4 sets but it gets tough around rep 10. So having someone there as reassurance that I won’t conk out – that’s what it’s all about.

    On the guilt and shame thing … yeah, I’m a work in progress. I hate the idea that I’m letting anyone down. I’ve recently started playing volleyball and I suck but I’m more nervous about letting my teammates down. I’m struggling with it and wishing I could drop out but alas, it’s a work league and they all track me down every week!

  35. I like that you brought up the gulit thing. I think a lot of us feel it more than we talk about…not just by wronging other people, but about a lot of everyday events…especially when trying to get healthier. It derails us in our endevers to be healthier (some with diet), like indulging in that piece of cake makes us a failure because we need to eat perfect all the time. It causes us to lose ourselves in helping others – like our family. Trying to be a better wife, mother, sister, friend. It causes us to be unhappy (the I shoulds I feel are another form of this). Maybe it’s just me and my pathology, but it seems like a huge struggle for many of us. To feel like we’re enough or to shed the guilty feelings like we didn’t/aren’t do(ing) enough.

    Some of us are working on this and getting over it, but it’s definately a struggle that a few people I know have.

  36. I loved your post over at Escape from Obesity, btw.

    I am a huge believer in strength training. It’s the sole reason I am in a much smaller size than I would have thought at my current weight.

    As for spotting, I work out at home, so there is some limitations on what I will do for heavy weights because of that – although I have called upon DH for a bit of help on occasion.

    Sometimes spotting is just that little bit of a mental net underneath the tightrope. You don’t necessarily need it, but the comfort of having it allows you to go with no fear.

  37. I’ve only ever spotted hubby and had him spot me so I have no good advice there. I’ve never heard of the experience life magazine so will go over and take a look. If you say it’s good I’m sure it is. Loved what you had to say about living a guilt free life, I’m working on it.

  38. Don’t know anything about spotting. Unless I can remember what they told me in weight training class during college a long time ago, but I can’t remember that far.

    Guilt is highly overrated. 🙂

  39. You’re doing double duty today, MizFit! A great post on spotting AND on guilt and personal responsibility? My husband has a shoulder injury that bothers him to this day from bad spotting in high school. It’s so important for the spotter to stay focused on his task and not screw up when he (or she) is needed!

    I’m a huge magazine junky and I love Experience Life magazine! I’ve not subscribed yet, so fingers are crossed over here!

  41. Ah guilt. This is one I struggle with a lot. Having made some less than stellar decisions in my life, and some really good but unpopular ones, I struggle constantly with letting go of guilt. I like to think of there being two kinds of guilt, Healthy Productive guilt, that keeps me from say skipping the gym and eating a whole tub of ice cream, and Negative Unhealthy guilt, that is usually the reason I feel like staying home and eating that tub of ice cream.

    Maybe that’s just my way to rationalize holding on to some of the guilt, but hey, one step at a time ^_^

    -Meg

  42. I used to spot my husband and he used to spot me. It took us a while to realize what the other person needed. I am stubborn like you and would crank through it if he made like he was going to save the day, whereas he liked the more ‘jump in when I show struggle’. I would be too nervous to help a random guy (a woman, sure!)

    As far as guilt and shame, I try to see and and learn from it and move forward. When I spend all my time focusing on it, I am stagnant and I hate that! I totally agree about accepting that I are human, that I will make mistakes and the only thing I really can do is learn from them when I make them and change my actions.

    Good topics today!

  43. THis is a tough one for me still. I can easily realize that others are human and forgive mistakes and stumblings but not yet myself.

    I will try and adopt more of the regret idea as that makes a lot of sense to me.

  44. Guilt is a tough one. It helps me to think: the feeling isn’t helpful unless it motivates me to take positive action. It’s really easy to use guilt as a SUBSTITUTE for action, because it feels like if we feel bad we’re “paying for it” with guilt and we can still be good people.

    I try to reframe it as an indulgence. If it’s not helping and I really don’t intend to do anything differently, then I need to acknowledge that my priorities have changed. If I DO intend to do something different, then the time to do it is now!

  45. “Remembering I’m human”- that’s big. Whenever I have slight “relapses” into disordered eating/overexercising, I remind myself of that. Current mantra is Strive for Excellence, Not Perfection.

    Being able to move forward is also so liberating! I struggled with guilt feelings and being a worry wart for YEARS until I have reached a place where I’m (usually) able to put stuff behind me and carry on.

  46. Guilt is one of my biggest challenges… for example last night I started feeling guilty after consuming some tasty peanut butter cups… I was still within my daily calorie limit and I had eaten balanced and met my nutrition goals. There is something inside me that rejects the consumption of anything “fat people shouldn’t eat…” I KNOW it is wrong but during vulnerable moments I lose some of the strength of rational thoughts…

    I will be thinking about this one today… thanks!

  47. As you probably know, I struggle on a regular basis with guilt/shame. I carry around a forklift to tow all my emotional baggage and am working (slowly, but making progress) to letting it go, and letting myself be the best ME I can be, without consulting what ME my mother thinks I should be, or what ME society thinks I should be. Etc.

    In a monthly self-assessment, I think I’m doing really well (check out upcoming blog entry for more news on that front).

    I was spotting at the gym the other day for one of my new gym friends, Mr. Built like a TANK. (if tanks are half-hispanic, half jewish, really really hot guys!) He lifts a LOT more than I could possibly manage, but I help him, mostly he says, by *watching* which makes it easier for him to keep going. It was fun, and then he spotted for me, and I’ll tell ya, it WORKS to have someone else encouraging and whatnot.

  48. this:

    He lifts a LOT more than I could possibly manage, but I help him, mostly he says, by *watching* which makes it easier for him to keep going.

    and Ill bet a dollop of IM NOT GONNA BAIL IN FRONT OF HER! as well.

    or at least thats what it is for me & Ren Man 🙂

  49. Guilt is an interesting phenomenon. I have pretty much gotten over all of my food/exercise guilt – but in some ways I think that hinders me. I used to have such guilt when I was “bad” or skipped a workout, but I don’t anymore. It is a choice I am making, and I know what the consequences are, so I do not feel guilty about it – and I don’t see it (whatever it is) as “bad”. BUT, in some ways this makes it easier for me to slack off on my workouts or have an extra glass of wine and some chocolate. I have no guilt, but I get frustrated with myself for “sabotaging” my weightloss efforts. So in some ways, the guilt was helpful as a motivational tool, but overall it is much more emotionally/mentally healthy for me to have taken the stigma away from my health and fitness decisions.

  50. Of COURSE I’m reading, Carla!

    OMG… on guilt. I guess you know a little of how I feel about this, or I wouldn’t have gotten a specific mention 😉

    Guilt is natural and good: it’s that feeling deep in your gut that you know you’ve done wrong and you need to change.

    That being said, there are people who feel guilty for things beyond their control. A lot of sex crime victims for example, and battered women. I think women in particular are prone to guilt because we’re caregivers, and tend to take on the responsibilities of others emotionally. That sort of thing isn’t healthy.

    The other thing that isn’t healthy is holding on to old guilt you’ve rectified. For example, if you ate a candy bar in 2004 and for the last 5 years have eaten cleanly, you shouldn’t be walking around thinking “oh, if only I hadn’t eaten that candy bar in 2004” then it’s time for self forgiveness and moving on.

    The thing that really bugs me about this whole sociological dismissal of guilt is that it’s really abolishing personal responsibility.

    So here it is: you have a dieter who “slips” on Monday, and eats a whole pizza… but what the heck, we’re all human, and she forgives herself absolutely, and feels no guilt. So Tuesday comes along and she goes to Burger King and orders the entire menu. And Wednesday comes along and she gets Girl Scout Cookies, and Thursday comes along and she buys a couple pints of ice cream.

    Here’s the problem: if this guilt is re-occurring and ongoing, you have to evaluate whether or not it’s something out of your control (like my daughter’s autism) or something I really haven’t fixed (like my cheese addiction).

    People are always willing to say “Oh, I feel bad about my food addiction, and it’s the guilt that keeps me addicted.”

    No it’s not. It’s the guilt telling you to STOP putting food in your mouth. It’s actually putting the food in your mouth, the behavior, that keeps you in a life of addiction. Once you stop doing it, the guilt goes away.

    Now there are going to be a few members of the bumbling band who say that guilt triggers addictive behaviors. I think that’s an excuse. Everything triggers addictive behaviors.

    Guilt is the inner you saying what the people outside you don’t say: You’ve done wrong, fix it.

    As far as forgiveness goes: I think there are two kinds of forgiveness. There’s the “forgive and forget” kind of forgiveness: That’s for when things are resolved. You have stuck to the diet, he’s admitted he was wrong about the octopus of wires in the wall socket and has moved some of his electronics, she’s taken her grounding and done her chores.

    … then there’s the forgive and don’t forget kind of forgiveness: where you let go of the anger and pain but hold on to the memory. I’ve forgiven my abuser in this way… there’s nothing he can do to make up for what happened, no way to fix it, and I’m mindful of him around the kids, but I don’t let what happened eat me up.

    I think this is a good tool for dieting and fitness: that yes, you can’t sit and obsess over what you did wrong, but you certainly have to remain mindful of it. If it’s something that keeps cropping up, something that you are feeling over and over again, you need to really evaluate whether or not the event that brings you guilt is really over, and whether or not you can take responsibility for it.

  51. Oof, the guilt, she is a gnarly thing. I am so the queen of it in my family. In fact, sometimes guilt over thinking I’m going to put someone out keeps me from expressing my own opinions, when in fact they would be welcomed. It can be debilitating and keep you from getting what you want. So I’ve been making an effort to really assess each time I feel the guilt monster (regarding anything – food, working out, where to go for dinner!) and consciously shove her aside when I know rationally I’m no less of a person for not feeling guilty about xyz. Harumph. 🙂

  52. Strangely, no one has ever asked me to spot them 🙂

    And guilt? The only kind of guilt that I have trouble letting go of is when I feel like I’m not doing the best job possible at being a mom. And I think that one’s going to be with me for a long, long time.

    Other than that, I’m either really good at rationalizing, or at apologizing & making amends, and then moving on. I *hope* it’s the second, but it’s hard to know from the inside looking in.

  53. Never spotted or been spotted.

    I can go from guilt to regret in .02 seconds and I don’t carry it around with me. Just one of my many talents.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

  55. I used to have issues with spotting until I went through menopause. 😉 Get it?

    I have identified the person inside of me that wants me to feel guilt. Her name is Harriet. I’m planning an exorcism. I’ll let you know how that goes.

  56. I felt so awesome the one time a guy asked me to spot him. I didn’t quite know what to do, either, but I accepted eagerly and everything worked out: he walked away without a crushed chest. I think it’s a good strategy– it’s so true that I can somehow push out more reps when someone’s watching.

  57. Yes, yes, and yes! Guilt, for me, is always a pointless feeling that has no purpose except self-punishment. Regret is healthy and human and natural and positive, because you can learn from it. You summed up my views on the subject in one.

    Now, that doesn’t mean I always succeed. I still have a knee-jerk “guilt” reaction. But what I do now is, when the guilt strikes, I make a conscious decision to let it go and feel only regret. I do regret that I (did that, said that, ate that, missed that party, forgot that birthday) but I do not need to punish myself for it. I will remind myself that what I (did, said, ate, missed) is not in keeping with what I want my life to be, and that I need to avoid that in the future. I will apologize if need be (if I have in fact done something in some way harmful to another person) and remedy the situation if I can, and then I will file it away as an example of things to try to avoid.

    But I don’t have to be miserable and self-castigate. Not beating myself up for a mistake or omission does not make me a bad person! THAT is, I think, the part of guilt that is so harmful, because it deepens and strengthens the habit of self-dislike and punishment.

    Now, if you’re someone who doesn’t actually have a problem in that regard – self-hate and chronic self-flagellation aren’t a habit of yours – maybe guilt wouldn’t be so bad. I’ll concede that. Not true for me, unfortunately, but maybe some day. 🙂

    V.

  58. I think that figuring out why you have the guilt is huge for being able to get out from under it. So many people believe that if they don’t rake themselves over the coals, thy might offend again…whatever the offense, or they might not do what they need to do. The truth is, guilt isn’t what keeps you from acting again and is only temporary in motivating you toward your goals. Your decision to make change keeps you from acting again and motivates for the long term. A conscience..an awareness of your beliefs…is needed and healthy. It’s the hanging on to the idea that I’m a failure because I messed up that is detrimental. It’s important for me to look at my belief system, recognize my inability to keep it perfectly, and keep my focus on moving toward the things I want rather than pushing against what I don’t want..like feeling guilty instead of moving in a hopeful, helpful direction.

  59. I am a newbie to the weights so can’t offer any tips for that. And I will be beginning to add some lifting this week in addition to my bike riding. 🙂

    On guilt, oh yeah, I’ve had major guilt events in my life and for many years it “ate my lunch.” But now I’m 52 and my wiser self has learned that I can not change the past. Those decisions I made at that time was what I thought was best – then. What came of those decisions has actually turned out pretty good.

    I do think a certain amount of guilt is healthy. It keeps us accountable for our actions. Just don’t be guilty for someone elses actions.

    That mag looks awesome! I will be looking for it next time I’m shopping!

  61. most of my guilt comes from opening my mouth and letting the things that should stay in my head fall out. Like when I accidentally outed my BIL and SIL’s pregnancy to my running group and forgeting that half the group works with or somehow knows my BIL. He hadn’t told anyone but us. OOPS.

  62. i’ll admit, i haven’t been checking in over here much lately because i’ve been feeling GUILTY about having gained a few pounds in the last couple months, and i just haven’t been feeling emotionally strong enough to read about the things i KNOW i should be doing. *sigh*

    but i clicked over today for some reason, and now i know why…i LOVE your steps for living guilt-free!! as usual, your words o’ wisdom are indeed…WISE 🙂

  63. I hadn’t heard of ‘Experience Life’, but just from glancing at their web site I can tell there is a ton of interesting information on there and I can’t wait to browse through it! Thanks for introducing me to the publication.

  64. I TOTALLY agree that there is healthy guilt and there is useless guilt.
    (Coming from a Jewish/Irish-Catholic background, I know from guilt, lol!)
    Getting rid of the useless guilt is a process, and it can be a long one! But it is SO worth it!
    For me, therapy helps a lot. I did a lot of work on my depression and anxiety, which has helped me to alleviate guilt.
    Guilt can often be a symptom of something larger, and it’s worth it , I think, to talk to someone about it.

  65. Should I feel guilty if I can’t think of anything better to add to the excellent steps you outlined? 🙂 Thank you!

  67. so many thoughts. so Ill merely say to AUNTIE:

    Girl, you are not alone. I receive many emails/run into friends who say “Ive fallen off the wagon so Im totally avoiding MizFit”

    that’s when you need a dose o’mizfit (wink)

    it’s 100% GUILTFREE.

  68. Oooh, I would lurve a subscription to Experience Life mag – thank goodness i have a US address is can be shipped to. 🙂

    I don’t use a spotter except for when working with a trainer, mostly coz i haven’t managed to convince my gym buddy to lift with me. BUT she has finally relented a little bit, and we’re going to start upper body workouts… so excited! I’ve been sticking with the weights I’m using now precisely coz if I go up I’m concerned I’ll drop them on my face while doing chest presses or something. 🙂

  69. Most of the guilt I feel nowadays is about my kids. “I shouldn’t have snapped at them like that” “I wish I could get them xyz” and on and on and on.

    I really don’t have guilt anymore when it comes to food – frustration, yes, but guilt? not so much. I had to let go of the guilt about my body because it was only holding me back and NOT helping me move forward.

  71. Oh Miz, why do I always read and not comment? For me, guilt always follows (and somehow leads to more) bad choices with food. I’m trying to learn to look at food not as a group of things I can’t have compared to a group of things I can, but as things that will help me achieve the goals I want to achieve. I want to run a 5K, and Cool Ranch Doritos won’t really help me with that. A few won’t kill me, or even make me gain all that much weight, but a bowl of granola, or some sauteed veggies will help me reach my goal much faster (and healthier). This is why I had to stop counting points and calories and carbs and calories burned. It was too +/- for me, and I usually ended up with more bad things than good, which left me feeling incompetent and like a failure.

  72. miz – you’re so right! and i know it.

    one of the things i’ve learned is that when i think “i should really call my mom and just chat with her”, it means that i REALLY SHOULD DO IT. there’s a reason i have that thought run through my mind.

    visiting your site is the same way.

  73. Wow, what a cool post! I actually work out with a large, muscle-y man almost twice my weight. We pump iron together and its fun, but I had no idea I could be a spotter. I’m busy too, but I could always use more good spotting karma. Thanks MizFit!!

  74. Thanks for all the treats this week.
    Shouldn’t we get you something since it’s your birthday?
    🙂

    I’m now feeling thankful Ive never been asked to spot anyone as since I struggle with guilt I’d feel terrible for saying no all day long.
    I can not imagine not worrying I’d drop the weigts ON them!

  75. I’ve been feeling guilty about not stopping in enough and failing to comment when I do. I do love to catch up on my MizFit!

  76. I love the movie Mother! LOL! 🙂 I think that when you use guilt to punish yourself for something that you can’t change it’s a worthless, harmful emotion. I do like your point about healthy guilt!

  77. Wow, what a timely piece – have been dealing with guilt over mistakes I have made – nothing major, just that old being human thing. For some reason I have had a tough time forgiving myself…help!

  78. I have spotted some people that lift more than I do. I would say if you are willing/want to spot, just be open about your abilities and make sure you are comfortable with what they want/expect you to do…just my .02

  80. Wow! Lots of great “ah ha!” moments here, as always. The guilt-shedding process you describe, Miz, sounds like the last 7 months of my life to a “T” with regard to health & fitness.

    Like so many, most of the guilt I feel these days is more about my parenting actions/inactions, and I need to apply the same process there.

  82. I’ve never spotted anyone, but I can definitely relate with what you said about the placebo affect. When I used to lift weights with my ex-bf, I could definitely do more if he was right there beside me, in my face, telling me to do one or more. So I miss that. I think I need a new gym-partner!

  83. Okay, just read fabkate’s comment and had to add an addenda to my previous comment (before I read the rest). I think I don’t have the guilt about food and excersise anymore because I have PREDOMINATLY changed my habits. 90% of the time I eat healthy clean well balanced, so I don’t feel guilty when I eat things that I know I should not enjoy daily because they are not the best choices for me in terms of my health. 90& of the time I go to my workout classes, so if I miss one during the week, I don’t beat myself up about it.

  84. One of the things that I have found most useful in thinking about guilt is whether it is (1) healthy guilt, as you put it, (2) guilt that I am picking up because the potential for it is lying around, or (3) guilt that someone else is imposing on me.

    I don’t so much mind #1, and after years of practice, I’ve gotten good that ignoring #3, although that has been hard. But I am bad at #2, and my husband is even worse. It is easy for me to hear anything that anyone else says as an opportunity for me to feel guilty about something that I am not perfect about. This is 99% of the time not what is going on at all. And so I try to practice listening with ears of kindness… to myself, and to others… if that makes any sense at all.

  85. Don’t belong to a gym, so no guilt over being an unqualified spotter. I wouldn’t want the responsibility of spotting someone – knowing my ADD tendencies, I’d be staring at something interesting in the far corner of the gym while my charge struggled to keep the weight bar from crushing them.

  86. As someone who is about to be training – spotting is the thing I am most nervous about!! I’m practicing with the trainers…. but it still makes me anxious.

  87. I am loving all your insights into the GUILT thing.

    Such a personal/unique to the individual issue.

    And Giz?

    YOU’LL DO GREAT. No worries.

  88. i have been a member at my gym for 6 months now but i only attend group classes because i have no idea how to use any of the equipment. *sigh* so i have no help on the spotting issue. (don’t worry though…i lift 3Xs per week in my bodypump class).

    guilt. oh. that is what i used to deal with every. single. time. i left my kids in the gym childcare….until i realized that because of my time at the gym i am a better mommy! guilt be gone!!!

  89. Spotting: I’ve only spotted for my husband, but the tips will help for the next time we get to lift together (oh if only my personal tornado would let me leave him at the gym daycare). I will say that I won’t try a new exercise without my husband there to spot me. I’m always afraid of hurting myself.

    Guilt: For me, guilt and worry are tied together. I worry that I should be feeling guilty, feel guilty for not worrying . . . and I’m trying to just throw that all out with the garbage. Or well, recycle it. Into healthier feelings of gratitude & love. Because I’m all about reduce-reuse-recycle.

  90. I’m a total people pleaser and struggle with feeling guilty if not everyone is 100% happy. Over the last year, I have really worked on saying “no”. The fact that I CANNOT do everything is starting to click, and saying “no” is totally liberating. Try it…without guilt cause life is too short. We cannot please everyone, and if you’re not taking care of yourself then there is no way you’ll ever take care of anyone else. No no no no – see, it’s not that hard. 🙂

  92. Guilt…

    I’ve discovered that by having a 101 goals instead of just 1. lose weight and 2. get fit, I have a lot smaller percentage of things to feel guilty about! If I slack off my diet, I can assuage my conscience by going and cleaning out a closet. (Which doesn’t take NEARLY as much time as you’d think.)

  93. I was raised Catholic, so understand the whole guilt thing very well. I’m supposed to just feel guilty about being female and breathing. I don’t, though.

    Giving up the guilt is freeing and I think essential to moving on and being able to stick a new lifestyle. Why feel guilty? Most of the time you’re being healthy.

    I look at what I get right and not what isn’t perfect. I gave up trying to be perfect. I just do my best. If I’m less than perfect, oh well. I’ll either devise a plan to do better or plan it into my new lifestyle. And, I do all the things you said, MizFit, especially the forgive & move on thing.

  94. Just a quick story. I was in the gym and heard a kind of a squeak coming from one of the corners. When I heard it again, I went to investigate and found a guy being slowly crushed under some weights. The weights were quite light weights, but he’d gone to exhaustian and was turning puce. Goodness knows how long he’d been there, squeaking!

  95. are you kidding aishchai?!

    wow.

    another reason I dont go until I caint go no mo’ when Im lifiting solo.

    and Melissa? you are a wise wise woman. I really like this & you 101 is, in a way, like my vision board.
    It never occurred to me that it helped me NOT to obsess about one goal when there’s a plethora in front of me!

    I’ve discovered that by having a 101 goals instead of just 1. lose weight and 2. get fit, I have a lot smaller percentage of things to feel guilty about!

  96. as others mentioned, there’s a lot of catholic guilt out there too. hell, i think americans have it in general thanks to our puritan ancestors.

    as for spotting … brandon and i spot each other when we’re at the gym. i learned in college when i took a weight training class. we had a spot buddy for chest presses and the like.

  97. Hey Miz! I love those 4 tips! I’m a big fan of taking personal accountability, but we also have to cut ourselves a break now and then, given that we are human and will make mistakes along the way…as long as we learn from them.

    peace,
    mike
    livelife365

  98. What a great concept! Healthy guilty is what keeps me on track when there are temptations around. I mean, I blog about healthy heating; what kind of hypocrite would I be if I went nose down in the Cheetoes? Not to say that I don’t have some vices (hello CHOCOLATE) but that feeling of healthy guilt can be a good safeguard against do something that would not necessarily be so beneficial.

  99. How sad is it that my younger brother (by 6 1/2 years) has been spouting the life motto of “no regrets” for years now, and I still haven’t figured it out. For me, it’s a Guilt/Shame/Regret trifecta that has been my downfall. And it’s not just the diet/fitness aspect- it’s all over my life. I’m still beating myself up over not reaching my potential, for not achieving “enough” (whatever that is).

    I’m definitely way too hard on myself, and therefore have struggled over and over again with the low self-esteem/low self-worth. But I agree 1000% that forgiving yourself is the only way to get through it. I know that it was an overdose of GSR that caused my horrible anxiety a few years back, and forgiving myself (and others) was how I moved on. Unfortunately those old thought patterns still creep back every now and then, and it’s a constant struggle to focus more on positives and to not let those negative emotions drag me down again.

    Oh, and I also agree with the “good deed” concept. By focusing outward, and helping others, our own problems and shortcomings are lessened (or at least take up less of our thoughts).

  100. healthy guilt is what keeps me going, sad to say. but i think it’s more like acute stress.

    real guilt i try to do without but yes i am also culturally guilty. sometimes realizing that the responsibility to do something isn’t entirely mine, helps.

  101. great post miz! i spent the past 3 yrs being guilty abt everything…from ‘eating bad’ to not enough exercise to not studying enough to spending a day doing nothing, just for me. it was very difficult being surround by those who always made me feel like i needed to be doing something, needed to be doing more, needed better grades, be thinner, run longer, etc etc. no fun, and it really changed who i was (ok, along w/ other issues…) it was just abt 6 mo. ago when i finally started to realize we are human. its a constant, daily reminder of this fact…right on w/ sagan!

    as for spotting, well, it makes me feel important…and no one ever asks me to do it. i must just be too intimidating for those men. 12lbs weights will do that to ’em 😉

  102. i realized recently that i’d gotten comfortable with the weight i’m using, so I’m trying to challenge myself more. Which makes me feel like i might need that spot sometime… 🙂

    i appreciate reading all this advice on guilt and am going to try to take it all in. but i think its something we all have to work through, and somehow it will click for each of us (i hope!)

  103. Ah, guilt. My least favorite, though sometimes helpful, emotion. I guilt myself into working out on days when I don’t feel like it, or, more often, on days when I know I *should* be resting. So, guilt is great some days, but really bad other days. How do I find a happy medium?

    About spotting – I avoid this connundrum completely by using only dumbells, so I don’t need a spotter, and wearing headphones and not making eye contact with anyone at the gym! Is that bad?

  105. I agree. Spotting is a very personal thing as people do it in their own way and expect different results. You need to communicate what you need and what you think is needed of you before you begin.

  106. I don’t have access to a gym — nearest one an hour’s drive one way. That said, you know — I think I’d be happy to spot someone on occasion!

  107. hmm I’m not much for spotting or guilt. I think guilt is silly it doesn’t move you forward, so it’s really not worth the time…sorry that probably wasn’t very helpful. Can’t wait to “experience life”

  108. To live guilt free , you must learn how to. I found how to live guilt free from everything I felt guilty of from a book by Susan Carrell, called Escaping Toxic Guilt.
    I had guilt for just about everything you could think of, to my bad relationships, to parenting, to divorce, to money everything I contstantly felt guilt. Since reading this book, I forget what that word means and am living life to the fullest guilt free!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This