*Never* say never (guest post).

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This post is longer than guest posts I typically share with you.  I could find no words I thought were unnecessary.  Raw. Honest. Blunt. Heartfelt.

Please to enjoy.

Over at It’s Just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua….we poop a lot of rainbows and live in Care Bear Land pretty often.…but sometimes it’s not all about bathing in rainbow Skittles.

Today I’m here for a kinda gross, yet interesting (I hope) topic.

And truth be told, today I’m here to out myself as a lying, selfish hypocrite.

That’s such a terrible word isn’t it?  One often shouted in anger or rage and usually meant as an insult.  Meh – I can take it.  It’s true in this instance. I did something I swore I’d never do….hence the big nasty H word.

And it goes well with the grossness of what I’m going to write about.

It’s something most people who lose lots of weight usually deal with in one way or another.

It’s skin.

Hanging elephant saggy look like a pancake gone wrong skin….the kind that can only come from losing weight.  The kind that pisses you off to no end because you finally got your life back on track and you’re healthy now – and you’re left with – freaking skin.  It’s really the biggest slap in the face ever…like opening your birthday present when you’re five only to find out that it’s a toy with square wheels.

Months – hell for me it was years – of going to the gym every single day.

Hours of plodding away on the treadmill.  Wads of money spent on gym fees, new clothes when old ones fell off, healthy food.

Incessant mundane talks with muscle mania gym rat man who wouldn’t leave me alone so I could just run.

All for the greater cause – health, thin-ness, vanity. And skin?  NOBODY told me about this.  NOBODY told me this would happen.  A part of my own body was foreign to me.  It didn’t match the work I put in.  I was at the end and all I felt was….disappointment.

Which left no room for celebration or pride or a sense of accomplishment. Just let-down of the deepest kind.  On your darkest, most frustrating days it’s the kind that makes you wonder, “Why did I even bother?  Was it even worth it?”

You see I started my weight loss journey at 226 pounds.  I’m only 5’3”.

Some people can pull off 226 if they have the height to support it.  I am not one of those people.

Sooooo the moment my second daughter was out of my hatchery – I began Operation Try to See My Toes When I Look Down.  I didn’t go on any fancy named diet or have a personal trainer – though many days I wished I had. I literally ate less (about 1200 calories) and ran about 5 miles a day.

As I got closer and closer to my goal, I noticed everything was shrinking – everything except one part….“the skin”.

I completely and naively thought it was fat.  I remember grabbing folds of it and trying to see if it had shrunk.  I only had it one spot of this skin.  My lower stomach below my belly button. Nearly 80 pounds gone and I still couldn’t tuck shirts in.  Couldn’t wear tight dresses without Spanx.  Couldn’t bear to put on a bikini.  Didn’t want my husband to see me naked.  It was torture.  It felt like a punishment for all the years of gluttony and taking my health for granted.  It was payback for abusing my body.

And every day – I’d work harder and stay on track – and measure the skin….and it remained. I was obsessed with that piece of skin.  It negated all my work every time I looked at it or had to buy pants that would go over it….all the while knowing that underneath was the body of an athlete.

Then along came karma…the sneaky little witch that she is….and I heard a plastic surgery commercial for a woman doctor in my area.  And though I have major issues about using the phone – that day – that moment – I called.  I made an appointment.

I told some people at work about my appointment and the reaction was…um….sucktastic.

To the outside world – and to many women I work with who still struggled with their weight and wanted to cut my eyes out in jealousy – they couldn’t see the hanging skin I saw – to them I was thin and healthy and plastic surgery?  Well that was insane and all about my vanity!

Plastic surgery is for the stars – not little residents of Nowhere, America .  People around here use money for heat and food and college – NOT plastic surgery.  I couldn’t convince anyone it was necessary.  Living in Podunk , USA was not going to help my case – and so the fact remained plastic surgery just isn’t something we country folks do around here you know?

To this day – most people in my real life town where I live do not know about my surgery. After that reaction with my co-workers – do you blame me?

I got tired of trying to explain myself…when I knew in my heart I couldn’t live without this procedure.  And I was scared of more judgement – more looks that secretly said, “Well, plastic surgery is just cheating you big Cheaterpants.”

I was left with no one who understood except my husband.

When I told my own mother I got the same reaction and then I lifted my shirt.  She literally out loud gasped – and said she had no idea that was there.  She actually had the nerve to say, “Wow – you’re actually as skinny as your sister under that.”  But she was afraid I’d regret and be sorry and feel guilty.  She was wrong.

Even after so many people tried to tell me I was stupid or talk me out of it….I stood strong.  I usually can be swayed very easily.  I usually see reason – especially when it comes to money.  I usually feel undeserving – like a lot of women and mothers.  And not for one second did I waver or rethink the decision or call to postpone.

Something in me knew this was the right thing to do.

The only part I regretted in this whole process was the hypocritical part I talked about above.  You see, of the people I told – I made it quite clear that I was ONLY going to see that surgeon so that once and for all a professional could tell me if the hanging stuff was skin or fat.  I had to know.  If it was fat – I could keep working.  *I* have power over fat.  Fat feels and looks different – it’s kinda solid-y if that makes sense.  I could never grab my fat by handfuls and pull them away from my body.

But if a professional could tell me it was skin – hanging skin like mine that never ever changed or got smaller – I knew I could back off and just maintain and be done.  I knew I had no power over skin.  I knew if it was skin – it was over.  No amount of running or killing myself at the gym or cutting back another 100 calories was going to do a damn thing.  I had to know I had done everything *in my power* I could to get the body I wanted.  I had to know.  I couldn’t end this journey without that little piece of information.

But prior to the appointment I told everyone that if it was skin – no way – was I ever getting a tummy tuck.  No way would I spend the money on my own body.  I just wanted to know – skin or fat.  That was it. I outright said I couldn’t afford it.  That I didn’t even deserve it.  That it was outrageous to even consider it and I didn’t believe in plastic surgery.  We needed things like auto repairs and home improvements – I literally only wanted info – I was never really going to buy a procedure.  That would be….selfish….and that’s not a word I could deal with.

Until I was there.

And that plastic surgeon put her hands on me and in her expert voice – said to me – “Holy crap – your entire body is toned and muscular – except this skin.  You would only need a mini tuck because the rest of your abs are so tight.  You can’t lose anymore weight.  It won’t even matter.  Your body is damn near perfect….except for this.  I can do it.  Right on top of your c-sec scar.  3 hours out-patient.  Flat stomach. $5000.00.”

I left the office that day holding my husband’s hand and before we walked out into the street – I already knew I’d have the tummy tuck.  I knew that everyone would say, “She lied – she said she would never do it.”  And I didn’t give a damn.  I’d rather be a liar and a hypocrite than a person trapped in a body I didn’t deserve and didn’t sign up for.  I knew I’d find a way.  I knew I’d stand on the street corner turning tricks if I had to.  I knew I couldn’t live another month with my athlete’s body hidden by that piece of skin.

I will always remember my older brother who has the body of a model and the metabolism of a 10 year old saying to me, “ I can’t imagine anyone working as hard as you did to lose this much weight and living with that skin if given the choice.”

I had the choice.  And I made it.  I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

One week later, my surgery was scheduled.  I made the deposit.

Today I’m two years out from my mini tuck (meaning they never moved or went above my belly button).  I will never have to do another sit up in my life because my abs are sewn together so tight it hurts to even try.  I run around tucking shirts in even when it looks ridiculous…because I can.  I wear bikinis in the winter…because I can.  I’m naked a lot – because I spent too much time being un-naked and hiding.

Did I struggle with using my family’s money for ME?  For my body?  Hell yah.  Was it worth it?  Hell yah.  Would I do it again?  Hell yah.

But I won’t say it was easy.  A tummy tuck is VERY invasive.  In pretty rough terms – your skin is literally cut from your muscle and lifted up and then your muscles are sewn back together underneath.  Some of that skin is then cut off and put back down.  It can take a loooong time for that skin to reattach to your muscle and fluid usually builds up underneath and has to be drained.  It is not for the feint of heart.  And lipo is no walk in the park either.

It takes months – even years to heal.  Two years out and I can still swell.   I was informed.  I researched the crap out of the surgery and knew the risks.  I joined tummy tuck forums and read them every day.  I knew I’d see my doctor nearly 3 times a month for the first year.  I knew the time I had to invest.  I knew I’d probably endure more lipo and contouring…and bruising like you’ve never seen.  The entire middle of my body was black and purple and yellow for weeks.  I knew I had to stop working out for 8 weeks and couldn’t lift my child.  I knew that coming out of the surgery – I’d be bigger than when I went in for a while.  I knew I’d still have stretch marks.  I knew recovery would suck big green donkey balls…and I did it anyway.  It was the culmination of my journey.

I had realistic expectations unlike a friend of mine who had my exact surgery one week after me with my same doc.  She is devastated and disappointed – because she still has stretch marks.  She went in thinking those would be gone.  Um, no.  ‘Fraid not honey.

I guess I’m just trying to say – never say never.

Don’t be surprised if at the end of your journey you contemplate this option.

If you never need it – kudos to you.  If you do – research, reflect…and never regret.

For me I felt like I had run an entire marathon….well more like I had run 26 miles…and the .2 remained…and my feet wouldn’t move and I couldn’t cross the finish line.  I was so close I could see the ribbon waiting for me to run through it but I couldn’t…my body was stuck in that spot…and I was left to only imagine what crossing would feel like.  The hanging skin was the definition of unfairness and I hated how much I let it hold me back.  Maybe some of you can embrace it and accept it – and I respect that.  I wish I could have but I’m not afraid to admit I couldn’t.

That piece of skin wasn’t me.  It wasn’t indicative of who I was or where I’d been or the miles I’d run or the sacrifices I’d made.  That skin was the old me.  And it had no place in my life now.

My body still isn’t perfect….but nothing hangs where it shouldn’t…unless you count those things on my chest that used to be boobs.  There were days when I’d wake up and see my scarred, puffy, hurting stomach and think “Really?  THIS is better than a little hanging skin?”  And I’d wonder what I had done to myself.

But today I know – that for once in my life I put myself first.  I did something for me.  It was one of the hardest and one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Becoming a lying, selfish hypocrite that is…..with one expensive kick ass flat stomach.

Now I wonder what they can do with these things on my chest??? Hmmmmm…..

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Comments

  1. Here is the thing about honesty… you never know who you will touch. I am going to share this link with another blogger who just today (or last night) posted about the great tummy tuck debate. I am sure she will appreciate hearing someone else’s story. Thanks for sharing.

  2. So much of this journey for people comes down to personal choice. Which way, which method, which result.

    The hanging skin conversation is such an interesting one, and I have had it a lot lately. Finally getting the work done only to be rewarded with a different kind of result stinks.

    And I often wonder why the hardest person in my life to take care of is me.

    I appreciate you talking about YOUR experience so candidly!

  3. Amazing post. You know I don’t even have to comment. As I’m sitting here writing the draft for my insurance company for the next stage of surgeries, it really hit me. Right here. Right where I am now.

  4. What an amazing post. The hanging skin issue has been a big one in my house lately. My husband is pretty scared of it, understandably so. It’s frustrating to be losing weight and not see results like you envision, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be at the end and still not see the body you wanted/needed.

  5. Thank you for your honesty about the hanging skin – it’s what I struggle with – both above and below my belly button. I work hard to camouflage it with loose, printed tops – tuck something in? Almost never. It IS extremely frustrating, after losing over 100 pounds, to almost always have a “muffin-top” when I wear pants, no matter what size. But, at this point in my life, I wouldn’t have surgery, simply because I am enjoying DOING things too much. I spent decades not doing stuff because I was overweight. Like you said, the surgery has a long recovery period and I’m not willing to take that kind of time out of my life right now. So I wear compression capris when I run, and have learned to pin my racing bib over the blob on my stomach to hide it. Most of the time I can ignore the excess skin, but yes, it does bother me. I’m glad that there is an option available to those who are ready for the skin to be gone, and I will never say never to surgery, but at the moment, I’m saying “not now.”

  6. This had me balling like a baby, because it really hit a sensitive spot. I was blessed with horrible, non-stretching-back skin….all over. It’s the reason I’ll never do an exposed post and I’m ashamed to be in a bathing suit. I look OK…with my clothes on. There’s a lot of shame and embarrassment related to the extra skin for me. Makes me feel trapped in my body, similar to just being overweight. I know at the end of this I’ll be contemplating surgery.
    Thank you so much for this post.

  7. Brava! And yeah, I learned to never say never too…for a different reason. But it’s a really good lesson to learn.

    I’m so glad you have no regrets and that money that you said was your family’s? Well here’s the thing: sometimes when we do for ourselves, we do for our families. Modeling self-care and self-love is what teaches them to do the same for themselves.

  8. Draz, you are not a hypocrite, You made the right choice for you. And no one. I mean no one has any right to judge your decision. What you do with your body and your money is your decision. Friends, family, co workers, fellow townspeople don’t factor in. Their opinion is about as useful as tits on a bull.

    All that matters is that you took care of a problem that was bugging you, effecting your quality of life. I applaud you.

    And hope, one day to follow in your footsteps. (I am going to need a lot more surgery, tho… :P)

    About the things on your chest? I say go for it!

    Seriously!

    Book an appointment.

    Go on!

    Pick up that phone.

    You know you want to… ^^ 😀

  9. I did this, well, also a thigh lift (this summer) and the panniculectomy with abdomniplasty (last summer). Took me almost five years to come to that decision, but coming down from 345 and growing up with a tummy that hung over my skin was never coming back. Still I’m a veteran of 11 knee surgeries and some with horrible complications.. it was something to take lightly.

    Now I’m totally on the plastics bandwagon, but I am glad I waited. It has cemented this feeling of thin but I had to know it first. When the skin was still there the temptation to want to fill it out… Yikes! Focusing on the good I was doing for my body really helped my maintenance efforts. But still, that skin… it was hard to live with and I am only in my early thirties, the thought of spend the rest of my life trapped in that body… I weigh less now (by 20 pounds or so) than the amount of weight I have lost. It was too much. I like to think of what I went through as functional surgeries with cosmetic side effects.

    I am so grateful for the mental head space that plastic surgery has given me back. I wish this was something that more people considered and did. I went from hiding to showing off (for husband of course) and the way I feel about myself now is…. Well, hard to explain, I’ve worked so hard I’m just glad I could get back to what could have been organically mine. Well, as close to it as possible anyway. 🙂

  10. Thank you for your honesty. This is something that I think most people worry about who have a lot to lose. I know I do.

    I never thought of the painful recovery. I mean, I assume it wouldn’t be a walk in the park but ouch!

    You give us all a lot to think about: the good and bad.

  11. Ummmmm don’t take this the wrong way but could you please get in my pocket and let me love you forever.

    I love my newly forming muscles. I hate the sagging skin that lives in the same cul de sac. My trainer makes me wear tank tops and shorts so that I can focus on the muscles showing instead of covering them up and being obsessed over the hanging skin.

    I never thought I would contemplate surgery. I’m giving myself one year. I lost 100 pounds in 11 months and this crappy skin is dangling like my gramma’s gaudy christmas earrings.

    If nothing improves by then…

    Its on (or off I guess)!

  12. Thanks for your post Draz and to you Miz for having her guest post. I have thought about doing both my tummy and a boob lift once I get to goal. I did a little research and getting both done will run about $8,000. Pricy but I think well worth it.

  13. I have loose skin. My problem(s) are that I would need more than a tummy tuck. I really need a lower body lift, which is mucho $$$$. Not to mention the fear I have of not waking up after an elective procedure. That is a huge risk, as this would not be a simple surgery. I also fear a little bit about what I would look like afterward. I have mold and birthmarks, and some of those would be just gone after the surgery. Would I miss them?
    Would I feel alien? I just don’t know. I would not rule out surgery, but a lot would have to happen (mostly money wise) for me to get it done.

    The loose skin can be something you get used to. I mean, I got used to being fat. Didn’t mean I liked it, but it was my body. The loose skin occasionally gets in the way in an embarrassing manner, but it is way better than rolls of fat.

    You just can’t have abused your body for so long without it showing some lasting damage. The skin is my battle scar.

    • Ugh, you can tell I wrote previous response on my phone. Anyways… I have concerns about look afterwards. The scars and asymmetry are real but in comparison to what was there they are a different kind of cross to bear. I have a birthmark on my right hip that was “saved”. You can tell that he purposefully cut around it and while it’s left a small lump I’m fine with that, it was important to me. Finding the right surgeon key!

  14. People are funny about this stuff, but you have to make the right decision for YOU, of course, and it sounds like you did.
    I had an upper body lift to remove 12 pounds of skin. It was actually never a debate for me. I had constant yeast infections under that skin flap. There was just no question. It was worse (skin health wise) for me than it was when I had the fat there. It was hard to realize that I would have to live with the scars, though. Since I was already going under the knife, I had my “bat wings” fixed too. These are the most noticeable scars, of course. It’s strange, but it’s very rare for people to even notice my arm scars — even in tank tops. They have faded so much and people aren’t really looking for them anyway. For me, it was part of my “fat mentality” that everyone was looking at me. (They weren’t.)
    When people do notice, I tell them my story. In some ways, I am proud of my scars. I’m proud of losing 200 pounds. I’m proud of the incredible battle its been to keep my weight off, to become “normal” — something I never EVER thought I’d ever be.
    Most people are happy for me, and I’m sure you’ll find that’s true for you, too. There will always be someone wanting to hate and say you’re vain or whatever else. It’s their issue, promise.

  15. I’m still torn about the tummy tuck on a personal level – I’m happy for YOU, though. I just heard that celebrity moms are getting c-section/tummy tuck combos when they have their babies. I’ve had 3 c-sections. Why didn’t they offer ME the tummy tuck combo? hehe

  17. Aw Draz. I love you. I’ve learned to never say never. And, if the money was available I’d have to say it would be about in the middle of my elective spending.

    But. I don’t have a great deal of loose skin. It would probably be less than half a pound to maybe three at the most. I don’t know. I’ve never weighed skin. Definitely less than that roasting chicken I just stuffed in the oven. So.

    I don’t feel as much anguish over it as you did. If I did, my husband would understand, and we would make it work. Just like you.

  18. You are helping so many people! I get this question a lot from people that have a lot to lose & I tell them the truth that in a majority of cases, there will be loose skin & a lot of people do need surgery to get rid of it but it is all worth the journey!

    Even me, I lost 40 pounds way back when on a SHORT body so that is a few clothe sizes. I never ever have been able to rid myself of the inner tube area under the belly button & I pretty much do everything right 98% of the time. If I had the $$, I would fix that! 🙂

    You are an inspiration!

  19. I can relate to this…I was 250+ and I lost over 100 pounds. I did it slowly (almost 2 years) through counting calories and swimming. Once I reached goal I started running. Running really helped tone parts of my body I wasn’t expecting. But that loose skin was not disappearing! I worked out SOOOO much. I was skinny! I was toned in most areas! I had great legs and awesome swimmer’s shoulders.

    I started weight lifting and that helped a bit to tighten up my stomach–my trouble area. But the loose skin isn’t completely gone. I’m afraid surgery will be the answer someday.

  20. Thank you so much for this post. I lost 40 pounds and am 5’2. I deal with the same issue. If I had the money, I would do the same thing, no questions asked. Thanks again!

  22. I am so PROUD of you. Thank you for sharing your story. YOU are a really inspiring lady. Hug, M.

  23. Wow! What a wonderful story! Although I am 6’3″ and weighed 255 at one point, I do understand what it feels like to have a now fit body and skin staring me right in the face. I HATE that!

    Thanks for sharing, and one thing I learned is to never tell people I work with unless is someone who “really” cares about you anything.

  24. I enjoyed reading this post. I deal with a lot of skin especially at age 54, having weighed as much as 350 and as little as 195 as an adult.

    But my question remains why do people who lose weight get so unnerved about sagging elephant skin AFTER weight loss? Why aren’t we as concerned with the skin when it’s filled with fat?

  25. Thank you so much, I read the words on a doctors report “morbid obesity” och, I have lost 50 pounds 65 to go. I am already worried about skin. I am 53 single and want/need to lose weight. I thank you for letting me know that there can be a rainbow at every endeavor, and I am not alone.

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