The full fridge.

by

Leaving Fatville is a crazy woman attempting to be a full-time working mom, house chef, blogger, twitter addict and a budding fitness fanatic.  She’s lost 60 lbs and is on the warparth to lose even more through mindful eating and moving more. She’s a blogger and also runs Great Clothing Exchange. She likes long hikes with her family and plotting for world domination. She’s just completed her first 5k in 18 years and has dreams of walking a 10k in February 2012 on the flattest course possible.

My fridge is filled with food.

It seems like such an innocuous statement. It even sounds like something good. Something happy.

For me, it would send me into uncontrollable panic.

I’d open the fridge and stare at it. I’d see all the food and be compelled to look at it over and over again. Then, the voices in my head would start.

It’s all going to spoil, you know. You *need* to eat it. What if something is gone before you get a chance to taste it?

It’s not going to last forever.

You’re going to run out and be hungry.

That last one used to give me the shakes. I’d just stand there and stare at the food. I’d think about how the fridge looked before I’d left the house for the grocery store. Suddenly, it would be all I could think about.

We’d run out of food. We were going to starve. We had to eat while we could. What if something happens? What if we waste it? What am I going to do if I don’t get to eat the food?

That’s when the eating would begin.

I wouldn’t even be hungry, I’d just want to taste everything. Just to make sure it would be okay for later, I’d tell myself. I’d eat a little of everything. All the fruit had to be sampled, then the veggies. The drinks would come next, any dry goods or snack-like things. I’d eat and eat and eat. Not because I was hungry, not because I needed to fuel my body. I’d do it because I wanted, no, I needed to eat the food before it went away.

When I started dieting, I’d count calories. It was a fast, easy method to doing things. I knew what I needed to do, and it taught me about food. I loved it for about a year. Soon, it started to feel restrictive. That full fridge and those calorie restrictions started to close in on me.

If I sample, I won’t be able to eat a real meal later. If I eat the stuff in the fridge I’m going to run out of calories for the week and then I’ll be hungry. I’m already so close to going over my limit, but what if I’m hungry?

(See a theme here?)

I thought I’d seek help with bingeing. I thought maybe it was certain foods that were causing this in me. A trigger food made sense. Surely, it’s the HFCS. I need to cut that out immediately. And the processed bread. Oh, and the snack food, too. All of those things left our house, but still the flop sweat came when I stood and stared into our full fridge after a grocery store trip.

It didn’t take long to realize the food wasn’t the trigger. It never was. It wasn’t even the calorie restriction.

It was fear. Fear of being hungry. I was so worried about not having *enough* to eat, that I would binge and eat it all the moment it got home from the store.

I would do it every week, without fail. Come home from the grocery store, stock the fridge, and then begin to eat everything I could see. Until now, I had no idea to stop it.

It was a such a simple solution staring me in the face. Eat when I am hungry. Food is not the enemy. Food is to be eaten when there’s hunger. Food is fuel. When I get hungry, I eat food. I eat good, natural whole food until I am full. Most importantly, I gave myself permission to eat. No restrictions, no calorie counts, and soon… no more hunger.

And there it was.

For the first time in my life, I’m staring at my full fridge. I’m not scared.

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Comments

  1. WOOHOO! It’s wonderful that you’ve gotten to this point.

    I find that sometimes even when we KNOW that food isn’t the problem, we still need to get away from it for a little while in order to BREATHE and reconnect with ourselves and to figure it all out.

    Sometimes when I feel the same way, I let my fridge become empty for a little while. It’s like a blank canvas so that I don’t have to be afraid. Then I refill it, little by little, to take the baby steps necessary to get over any fear.

  2. Great post, great accomplishment! I think fear paralyzes many (myself included) with food “issues”, whatever that fear is, it is really about facing it, and overcoming it, and you did just that. Awesome! Btw..this read like a book that I didn’t want to put down!

  3. A full fridge doesn’t bother me — it’s behind closed doors — but I am stressed when food (bread, cookies, snacks) is left out on the counter in full view. When I see it, I have to resist eating it (or decide/recognize/realize I don’t want it), and that causes stress.

    Here’s an ironic aside from an article in the paper yesterday that bugged me. It was about a kitchen “designed to disappaer” — even the fridge has a cabinet faces and there is nothing on the counter (coffee maker has special cabinet with pocket doors open only in the morning!). On “fridge aesthetics” it said:

    Have you considered artfully arranging the contents of your fridge and freezer? When you open the door, it will be a calming experience.

    Are you kidding me?

    • Artfully arranged fridge? I’m lucky I can fit everything in, much less arrange it in a calming manner! (Not to mention it wouldn’t last ten seconds with a toddler and a husband rummaging through it!)

      I’m with you on the counter thing, too. I try to leave only fruit out, so if I do feel compelled to eat it, it’s not necessarily a bad choice of snack.

  4. ” Eat when I am hungry. Food is not the enemy. Food is to be eaten when there’s hunger. Food is fuel. When I get hungry, I eat food. I eat good, natural whole food until I am full. Most importantly, I gave myself permission to eat. No restrictions, no calorie counts, and soon… no more hunger.”

    Beautifully said and I fully agree.

    I’m a binge-eater, too, although I suppose a recovered/ing one as I learn to undo the whole diet mentality and listen to my body instead.

    I’m so happy for you for being at peace with food.

  5. Great post. I can’t really relate because I have never felt food-induced panic, but I admire you for putting this out there and finding a way to help yourself!

    As Gina said, I’m happy you have found peace with your food (and fridge)!

  6. Fear of lack is what causes so many of the problems in our lives. It’s going to take me a while to run this thread out, thank you.

  7. thanks for this post. i feel like i can relate. after i lost weight i felt compelled to keep enough food in my apartment to eat in the case of an emergency. or so i thought. really i was just afraid of going hungry which i have decided is pretty much impossible in today’s world (not to mention my pantry). i really have to disengage from the worry at times. it helps to read about others with this issue.

    • I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I still have to tamp down the panic when it gets towards the end of the week and things are running low. But hey, it takes baby steps… right?

  9. Great article! I was at a seminar the other day and one of the topics that really hit home was “Mindfulness” and in particular Mindful Eating. Taking the time to appreciate great food, to slow down and sense the taste, texture, smell, & colours of our food. Also for me to think of the many days taken to grow that food for me.

  10. I needed to read this today. My fear is a fear of being hungry. Why? I have no idea. Thank you for giving me permission to tell someone else. Knowing that others have had a “fear” of food and everything involved in it all is comforting.

    Thanks!

  12. Wonderful reflection on the fridge. The fridge is a powerful temptation, especially when full. Even when it is stocked with healthy items, it can tempt us to eat more of the good stuff than is wise.

    Face it, the fridge knows it is the most popular appliance and wants us to visit it often so that it can keep that status.

    When the fridge is in control, it is at its best, and likely we are not. When we practice intuitive discipline we regain control and we ourselves become our own most useful appliance in our mission to be healthy.

  13. I used to have this same problem…and it was sorta the same paradigm shift that got me through it. Now I kinda love to let things run out so I am forced to use up and get creative with what remains. I love to cook and create, so this method gets me to stretch my cooking muscles and 9/10 times what I end up creating is awesome and new! It’s crazy that before I was scared of not having enough when I think of the kitchen adventures I have had since!

  14. You’ve got a point in there, we need to eat everything we want not because we have to but because we want to. Oh, I so like that phrase! I want to eat, and loved to see a full fridge..lol!!! I like this post, its all about discipline anyway though somewhat hard.hehe

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