I want you hold me (a chickenbus flashback).

by

why do I think she may be the only one at school with this packpack?

(please to STOP, sit down, & commence gazing at your own navel as I proceed to blog whilst gazing into mine)

It’s been a wee while since Ive blogged stream of consciousness.

Whether it appears so or not (and believe me given my writing style Im cognizant of the fact it does not)—I tend to blog, put away, retrieve later, edit the crap out of said blog & post.

Not tonight.

These muzings have been rattling around in my brain for so long I simply need somewhere to dump them and you, as a captive audience for as long as you dont clickaway! clickaway!, are the unlucky reciepients.

Exactly TWO weeks from today the Tornado starts kindergarten.

(Ill let that sink in as I like to think everyone is a stunned by that fact as am I.)

As a result lately she’s been going through the requisite  mama Im kind of freaking out with excitement here! IM FIVE!! progression of separating & retreating back to me to be sure Im still around.

When we head out to terrorize our local bookstore she immediately wanders off with the ‘friends’ she’s met 3 minutes prior & is slowly readying herself for the breaking-away which is kindergarten.

Invariably, after any occasion where she’s gallivanted off on her own, as soon as we’re safely back in the domicile she becomes extra clingy and says:

Mama, I want you hold me.

Which brings me to my point (rather circuitously yet more rapidly than I’d anticipated when I hit NEW POST):

I love this about her (and really most kids) as she knows what she needs and is willing to make herself vulnerable and ask for it.

My question, as she readies to join her peers full-time:

When do we lose the ability to reveal our needs & plainly state what we desire.

When do we veer away from I want you hold me & toward feeling as though we must do everything on our own and/or  (almost worse in my opinion) expect others to guess what we need?

Ren Man & I have talked about this ad nauseum and have come up empty.

I know for me the ability to ask for what I need has been an evolution.

One which started as a joke (a mocking of a Days of Our Lives scene where one character approached another and wailed HOLD ME ABE!!) & has slowly evolved to many a serious moment of making myself vulnerable as asking does not always mean we will receive.

What I wish for my girl is that she is *not* me in this realm.

What I wish for my girl is she can always express I want you hold me & allow herself to be vulnerable with people no matter how risky an endeavor that may at times feel to be.

What I wish for my girl is she may reap the benefit of your wisdom and life-experience.

When was the last time you metaphorically(or literally) uttered the words: I want you hold me.

To whom are you able to make yourself vulnerable? Did this list used to be longer?

If youre like most of us grown-up types & have lost this ability what is your I want you hold me youve grown unable to speak?

I know I always say please to hit me up in the comments, but today more than ever I seek your wisdom.

Please to hit us ALL up below.

POSTS BY EMAIL

Never miss a post. Enter your email to get my latest posts delivered to your inbox.

Comments

  1. I love this post so much and not just because of the DOOL reference. I am so in awe of your Tornado raising and how she is able to communicate her needs so well (and so cutely 😉 )

    I find selective vulnerability works well. Choosing carefully who you open up to! With some people you just KNOW it’s not going to well, but with the right people it is great to open up, even when it feels like you are putting your little heart on a platter!

  3. She is going to rock at kindergarten and life, Miz.
    It is all about asking for what you need isn’t it?

    I never lost that.
    I have never possessed that 🙁

  4. I love this, Carla.

    I know when I lost my I want you hold me.
    It was when I learned that being vulnerable can be perceived as weakness.

    I need to reexamine that thinking.

  5. Interesting post.
    For me the ability to be vulnerable to myself and honest with myself has been a big leap recently.

    Now I can try it with others.

  6. I wonder if life isn’t a process of seperating and retreating?

    I’m still doing that in my 20’s.

  8. How exciting for you! Watching her bloom & grow! You will rock the PTA meetings! 😛

    The list for vulnerable is short as I’ve been burned by people who have pretended to be my friend only to find I was being duped. Like Renee commented, I go for the tough. Really the truth is the tough ones are the mushy ones who need a hug more than anyone! 🙂 But *shhhh* don’t tell anyone 😉

  9. Don’t laugh but I was watching Teen Mom and totally related when Amber said she pretended to be so tough and wasn’t.

    I have a hard as nails exterior and have never said I want you hold me.

    I don’t even know where to start.

    • OH I GET THIS.
      Your line about not knowing where to start I mean.
      For me it was 100% learning to identify what my needs were FOR MYSELF as only then could I share with others.

      It took time and introspection and time and going through my muck (as we called it in grad school)–but it was worth it.

  11. A good question, and hard to answer.

    I am freely vulnerable as far as being honest about who I am, how I live, my faults, etc., because I think others can really learn from that.

    But as far as admitting weakness and “need”, that is very difficult for me. It might be part of being a firstborn, or how I was raised, or even my genetic makeup, but for as long as I can remember, it has been extremely important to me to be strong and independent. That said, I have a couple of friends that I can turn to, and of course, there’s God.

  12. I know for me I have trouble putting out there what *I* need, if I know there are other needs to be met. It’s a struggle to remember that what I need is important as well…as much as I hope others will intuitively know what I need without asking, I can’t expect them to.

    Is it wrong that I want your daughter’s backpack? 🙂

  14. Miz, I’m a firm believe so much has origins at home. You control whether she loses this or not by making yourself vulnerable to her.

  16. That packpack rocks!

    Where did you get it?

    I agree with the lead by example. Always let the Tornado know you can be vulnerable, too.

  18. I cried when I took my kids to school for the first time. This was 28 years ago, give or take. I think the reason I cried was because I knew that I would never have the influence on them that I had when they were (in a sense) mine all mine at home.

    My own feelings are that you lose the ability to reveal your needs & plainly state what you desire when you enter school. There can be good with the bad in all this. Just think of your eduMAcation. Hannah started kindergarten last year and is re-taking it this year. Imagine how that feels.

  19. I play the tough girl act to the limit and there are probably only three people in the world I let see that it’s really just an act. There’s still a very vulnerable girl underneath that tough girl exterior. My husband, who often knows what I need before I can even voice it. My Mom and my older sister. They have all have this innate sense of who I am. They know from the look on my face that something is wrong and that I just need a hug or to cry. I don’t know when I learned that it wasn’t okay to show that to other people, but i’m glad to say there are people who trust me enough to let me see them vulnerable and that is a humbling experience.

  21. Wow-makes you think. For myself, I think I lost that vulnerability when, as a young child, I did ask for “hold me” and got neglect and abuse instead. Yup. Now, at 42, I’m finding my way back to that state (especially w/the husband-who is absolutely wonderful, understanding and caring!). I am a blessed woman!

  22. Carla, I have so much to say & so little time this morn as this post hit me HARD! You have such a way with writing! Maybe I will write a little & more later – OK.. maybe a note just to you too… my inabilities to STILL not show it all due to things in my past.

    What I want to say now is that you have such an open dialog with Tornado that if you keep that up, my hopes are that the dialog will stay open.. letting her know you are there if she needs you. Letting her know she can come to you with anything & you will listen. Letting her know the things you wrote in the post that so many of us adults lost a long time ago.

    Kids can be very rough & tough with words & actions these days so I think that aspect changes kids more – makes them NOT want to ask & be themselves so I hope your openness all these years with her helps her.

    Me – I lost it a long time ago with expectations I felt from others & wanting to fit in when I was fat. Also, the workplace, I lost my trust of others…

    Carla, I know you & RenMan can do this – you have proven it.

  23. I am one of those in the “I don’t think I ever had this” group. How can you lose something you’ve never had?
    Fortunately for me, I’m around some people who are STRONG enough to say “I want you to hold me.” I’m learning that being vulnerable or asking for reassurance isn’t a weakness at all. Trying to shoulder everything on your own only makes you weaker.
    Great post, and the Tornado is going to kick kindergartens ass.

  24. Totally forgot to say cause I got caught up in all the other stuff – DAYS OF OUR LIVES!!! Been watching it since I was a kid! John & Marlena are coming back for something but not sure long term or not – Yahoo! I know, nothing to do with the post besides your mention of it! It is the one soap I record every day & is an escape for me! 😉 Never watched any others except for when Another World was on…

  26. “When do we veer away from I want you hold me & toward feeling as though we must do everything on our own and/or (almost worse in my opinion) expect others to guess what we need?”

    I think we lose it when we are not given that kind of love unconditionally…and so we lose the ability to trust ourselves to trust others…we allow ourselves to get caught up with those who won’t or can’t hold us when we need it. And you, my dear woman and mother, are already instilling in in dear Tornado, this lesson. You know when to ask Ren Man when you need to be held, correct? And vise versa? And so you are teaching her to do the same. And when she asks you or Ren Man to hold her, you do so. There are no conditions. For sure there may be people in Tornado’s future who won’t listen to her…who won’t want to hold her when she asks, but the good news is that she will know that these people are not the right people who her.

  27. My 6 year old says ‘hold you’. Aw, love it. I think peer pressure, world interfering, caring what others think makes us feel like we shouldn’t ask for we need and even sometimes like we shouldn’t need what we need.

  28. My daughter is totally fearless. I watched her jump under and over the waves on thebeach yesterday. She wanted to learn how to waterski, so she asked a friend’s husband if he world take us out on the lake so she could learn.
    I justness month started doing Zumba. It is the answer for me. I don’t look so hot doing it, but I could cry after every workout. I am way out of my zone. I have to keep asking for help and plug along.
    I feel better every day.

  29. One of the best things I did in my life was to take a workshop on Non-Violent Communication (NVC). The whole concept of NVC is to give adults a technology a format to use to express vulnerability and needs. So I want you hold me goes something like this.

    I had 5 different assignments today that needed to be finished by 4 pm. I am so exhausted because it was important to me to get them all finished on time. I would love it if you held me it would make me feel so comforted.

    I started using this communication style in all situations. At first it felt kinda weird so I let people know Im using the NVC style. But it has been amazing how I feel once I get my needs heard and then make my requests.

    So if you are ever interested in that. Do check out Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication. I promise it will give you a chance to safely express your needs and vulnerabilities.

  30. In my ongoing journey of healing my life, I realized recently that I had to make myself vulnerable as an alternative to binge-eating. Now I just need the people with whom I can do it… I have my husband of course, but sometimes I want it to be a woman.

  31. This could be a long one – sorry. My favorite niece and I had this discussion not too long ago. Both of us appear to be tough as nails. Both of us feel completely the opposite many times a day. She has just learned how to cry alone – not in front of anyone yet. I have recently learned how to express basic emotional needs to my husband.
    I never had the skill or vulnerablility growing up – weakness was never allowed.
    My niece had similar upbringing. We are a collective work in progress. Sorry I knew this was going to be a long one.

  32. I just went through the beginning of Kindergarten on Thursday and had to blog all about it! I think we all lose our ability to vocalize a vulnerable need like wanting to be held when we are either embarrassed by it or reprimanded for it. I assume at some point kids make fun of each other for clinging to their parents and the kids stop. The good news is I think as parents we can let them know it is safe to express this and we can be sneaky about it like a pat on the back in public and being held at home!

    Good luck!

  33. I have to admit that I say “I want you to hold me” to my husband quite often. Almost daily and in the very least a few times a week. I’m very very vulnerable with him, however, it’s different with friends and other family members. I’m surely more guarded.

Trackbacks

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This