The Mysterious Middle (guest post).

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I fear I may never learn the art of moderation.  I seem wired to either behave in one extreme or the opposing other.  In other words, I have no concept of the middle.

In my past, I struggled with addiction and all the fun stuff that entails–hopelessness, turmoil, shame…and obviously, no exercise.  But since February of 2002, I’ve been one of the fortunate ones who has managed to stay away from that melancholy condition and spend my days in the opposite extreme—a life of sobriety—and for me, consequently, a life of running and marathons.

Three months into my recovery, my husband (who was my partner in crime and also has nine-plus years) and I had a surprise: I got pregnant with our first daughter.

Quoting from one of my own blog posts, “I often think of her as an angel sent to save us…I’m pretty positive that without her, Chad and I wouldn’t have this nine-year chunk of sobriety.”  And then I go on to explain how I started running: “I was antsy from being a stay-at-home mommy.  And an only one-year-eleven-months-sober mommy at that.  No evening glass of wine to unwind with.  No mother’s little helper.  I needed a goal.  And for whatever reason, I came up with running a marathon.”

And my polar tendencies kicked in.  I went from unhealthy addict to running mom.  From 2004—2010, I ran ten marathons, along with various other races to help prepare for those marathons.  (And we also had our second daughter, where I took a one-year break from running.)  I became the typical runner—weekly runs, long runs, track workouts, my running group, etc… Like many runners, the sport became a bit consuming for me.  (Know any runners but aren’t one yourself?  Are we ever obsessed or kind of annoying sometimes?  For sure.)

In the thick of my pastime, in May of 2009, I severely ruptured my L4/L5 disc at a roller skating birthday party and had to undergo surgery, removing 50% of the disc material that had exploded into my spinal canal.  The surgery was a success, and I resumed my running only a few months later.

But something was different; the intensity was gone.  I wasn’t as into it, because when I say the surgery was successful, I mean that it cured my scary sciatica symptoms–but I was still left with a half-disc that would turn out to only be able to handle two more years of running.

As the “regular” back pain began to set in, so did the realization that my days as a runner were numbered.  Half a disc at age 37, along with two other bulging ones, isn’t like tendonitis or other common running injuries.  We’re talking my spine and it’s future as I get older.  Therefore, I came up with the grand finale plan of switching gears and ending my racing with an ironman triathlon.  And six months ago, I went out with a bang, participating in Ironman Texas.  Since then, I’ve been retired from the world of running and races.

It wasn’t as dramatic or devastating as I thought it would be.  I was bummed, for sure, but I had to quit to protect my shaky back.  I suppose I used AA’s Serenity Prayer–“to accept the things I cannot change.”  Also, it’s been really nice to sleep in on Sundays instead of always waking up early for some long run or bike ride!  And nice to not have some future event hanging over me, always on my mind.

So when Carla met me in October and invited me to be a guest writer on her blog, she was catching me in my present, opposite extreme—no exercise.

Zilch.

A rut.

I had planned to get super into Bikram yoga, but so far I’ve only dabbled with it and then haven’t been back lately.  I also had planned to take our sweet, wild pit bull mix on longer walks, but so far she’s still just getting the same, short route around our street.

What was I going to write about!  I guess this struggle with understanding the middle.

What am I talking about—the middle?  In terms of exercising, I mean this place of just working out.  Not needing to conquer something or feel an intense accomplishment.  No goals, no finish lines.  Just enjoying the moment.

But I went from zero exercise to training for a marathon.  To training for more marathons.  To training for an ironman.  “Training” I get.  But “exercising”?  I’m unfamiliar with it.  I’m not responding to it.  Can I do this exercising?  So far, no.  I couldn’t just go to Bikram yoga a few times a week.  I had to be typical me, making big plans of a 60-day challenge and someday teacher training.

But instead, I totally flaked and have barely been the past two months–still paying the monthly auto-pay, though, that I set up because I just knew I was going to go so much.  Such a spaz.

Come on, Sarah.  Cut it out with the extremes, the all-or-nothing.  On the wagon or off are not the only choices.  (Except in recovery.) 

There is a middle.  Find that middle.  Learn to appreciate this mysterious place—one of humility, contentment and gratitude.  And take your poor dog on longer walks.

Wish me luck!   

Sarah Broyles is a stay-at-home mom with a history of marathons and triathlons.  She lives in Austin, TX with her husband, two daughters, one pug, one pit bull mix and a cat.  Her favorite food is icing, and her favorite drink is a Venti bold coffee, no room, from Starbucks.
Fauna Extreme is her unique, fun line featuring artwork of amazing animal athletes. 

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Comments

  1. I think a lot of us have this fear, thanks for sharing. I have the same kind of history – either focused on something competitive (horses/powerlifting/now tris and marathons) or doing nothing.

    My guess IS there is a middle ground out there for you, it just may be that Yoga is not it. I see plenty of folks who successfully find that place. Would it help to get involved in doing something like organizing races so that you remain active in that community and can still draw from that energy? Is biking an appealing option? I wish you all the best and hope we’ll get an update from you.

  4. I was JUST thinking about this yesterday, contemplating “what if” I don’t finish training for a half-marathon because my 10-year-old son decides he doesn’t want to do it anymore, or I decide I don’t want to do it anymore, or one of us gets an injury, or … I realized it would take the uumph out of my running, because there would be no specific goal. There would just be running. Which I’ve done before, but the intensity is just not the same. The middle. I get it. Thanks for sharing!

  6. Sarah,

    First, thank you so much for your honesty. It’s difficult to speak from the heart and be so raw…especially someone who is used to having a plan and now finds herself in that middle limbo. Only you will find the right answer for yourself through soul searching. But if you do love the 60-day challenge, you want something different, and you want something that can help your mind, body and spirit through this changing you, I invite you to come to Satori Method at Austin Martial Arts Academy. Satori Method is a mind, body, spirit bootcamp that is based in the martial arts. We do t’ai chi, qigong and yoga to warm up, cardio based in the martial arts, weight and resistance training for all major muscle groups, cool down with yoga, and have time for meditation and sharing of Satoris (Japanese word for awakening or ah-ha moment). We use ancient forms of self healing in a modern setting to guide us through transformation. I have a student who just recovered from disc surgery similar to yours and is thriving. And another who had been going to back doctors and chiropractors for months with no success but found near instant relief when starting our program two months ago and hasn’t been back to the doctors since.

    I teach a weekday morning class geared toward SAHMs and those w/ alternative work schedules, and we have other morning and evening classes taught by my Sensei and his wife. If you’d like more info, let me know and I’ll get you there. It’s magical stuff!

    • And I forgot to mention that we work in the 60-day challenge format where you earn a belt similar to the belts in martial arts. We celebrate our commitment, consistency and transformation every 60 days…might just be right up your alley?!

  7. I too am an extreme thinker – esp. when it comes to fitness! But Sarah, huge kudos for listening to your body and quitting the high-impact stuff! And if you have taken a break for a few months? You probably needed it. You sound like you’ve already learned a lot in your life and I think you are smarter than you give yourself credit for:)

  9. Thanks for sharing. I have a couple of friends who went from drug addictions to fitness addictions. It’s nice to know there is a middle for them. I didn’t think that was possible.

  12. I over think my workouts all the time. Having a disabled arm it’s easy to want to try and push through and end up hurting myself. But I have to listen to the signals my arm is giving me so I don’t injure myself and am able to take care of my one year old daughter.

  14. Wow–thanks everyone for reading and for your comments!

    @ Cort–maybe I will volunteer for a race sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion. As for the bike–while thrilling and challenging, it just isn’t for me. Too intense. I can’t listen to my iPod and daydream! And it takes me away from the fam for too long on the weekends. And swimming? Ugh. Also, not for me! I should probably get a more flexible attitude, though, since running is out. 🙂

    @ Mollie–Best of luck to you! I’m currently showing up again to Bikram. And couldn’t resist but sign up for their 60-Day challenge that starts of New Year’s Day. Another extreme, here I come. 🙂

    @ Jacki–best of luck with your half marathon with your son. I know that one of the biggest challenges is making it to the starting line! How special to do that with your son. I’m jealous.

    @ Robyn–thanks very much for the info. I looked at the website. Seems really challenging and fun at the same time. For me, though, there’s just something about Bikram, and I’m trying to reconnect with it.

    @Charlotte–Thank you! Really nice of you. Yes, it was a tough decision to quit running, but crystal clear that I needed to. I like your blog!

    @Erin–you sound like a strong, inspiring woman. Thanks for reading!

    @ messymimi, Izzy, Melissa, Healthy Mama, Bring Pretty Back (fun blog!) and Janell–thank you all so much!

  15. What a wonderful post & thank you so much for sharing! You really have overcome a lot!

    For me, I am not racing or bodybuilding or planning to do any of that but every day in the gym is just a challenge to myself to do my best & that is enough for me.. maybe it will be for you! 🙂

    • Hi, Jody,
      Thanks so much. I appreciate it. I looked at your site. You’re amazing! I hope I can become more like you. Take care!

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