Navigating depression (guest post).

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Ever since my experience with allergies and depression my perspective has shifted.  I *thought* I grasped depression.  I *hoped* I was supportive and helpful to friends when they suffered.  I learned I pretty much had no clue.  Please to welcome my friend, Denise.  Her beautiful, haunting words are the perfect reminder how there’s so much more to HEALTH than just the physical.

 

Sometimes I forget.

I can go weeks or even months without experiencing a hint of depression. During those periods I sometimes allow myself to believe that it’s gone for good and that I’m “normal” again, whatever that means.

And then something happens – some magical thing – and the craziness starts again.

Black is white and white is black.

Nothing makes sense to me even though I somehow sense, somewhere deep inside that is still in touch with reality, that it’s not external things that don’t make sense but rather my own thoughts that have slipped their moorings.

Now is one of those times.

It started when I encountered a friend who is struggling with depression issues of his own, although I didn’t feel the beginnings of my own response until later.

I listened to his delusional ramblings for hours, deflecting and debunking his misconceptions, outright challenging him when he was making statements about his life being worthless and over (he’s 21 years old), and crying with him as he talked about not having anywhere else to go or anything left to do.

I told him that I would get the number for the County Mental Health Services crisis hotline and that he wouldn’t be alone.

As I drove home that night, I could feel my mood changing and all of my energy to do anything leaving my body.

When my beautiful daughter and wonderful husband wanted to talk to me later that evening, I begged off citing the fact that I was “tired” – that’s my standard excuse, even to myself, for times when I can’t muster the energy to keep up appearances of normalcy.

Monday was Memorial Day and I participated in a remembrance ceremony with the husband and the daughter, standing dutifully at attention throughout and making small talk with acquaintances there and later at the post-ceremony reception that followed.

Once the official part of the day was over and we were in private again, the darkness and fog descended, and I only wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone.

Thank goodness I have a husband who understands the craziness and whom I trust so completely that I can see myself through his eyes and recognize what’s happening.

That’s what happened on Monday night: Mick was being his usual helpful self, making dinner on the grill, and I suddenly just flipped out. I wanted to go out, we hadn’t explicitly talked about eating in, and I went from a zombie to straight up angry in about 2.5 seconds.

I could see the confusion on his face, heard him asking me what was up and not taking “nothing” for an answer, and – after about 20 minutes – I realized what had happened.  I apologized, I cried a little, then I went to him, buried my face in his chest, and told him I was sorry.

He didn’t have to ask why I was sorry because he already knew what was going on.

Ever since that moment on Monday night, the darkness has been slowly receding.  I wish it was something I could just decide to stop and then it would go away, but it’s not, at least not for me.  Once I can see it and name it, though, I know that it’s on its way out of my head, and that makes life easier even as I still deal with its lingering effects.

What I’ve learned in the last year that I didn’t know before is how important it is to check in with reality, to find something that I know with 100% certainty is real and then hold on to it until the craziness starts to subside.

For me on Sunday, that thing was my husband and I am so grateful – and lucky – to have him in my life.

If you, like me, suffer from depression, know that there’s help and you are never, ever as alone as you feel.

There are caring people in your area – trained professionals – who are just waiting for your call.

You can find their number in the front of your phone book (if you still have that object in your home) or by performing an Internet search for “mental health resources, county of xxx” where “xxx” should be replaced with the county where you live.

Don’t suffer even a minute longer by yourself – help is out there and you’re worth it!

 

 

Denise Elliott has been blogging since 2003. Her site, Do you have that in my size???, documents her struggles with Type II diabetes and depression as she takes small steps each day toward better health and greater happiness. In real life, Denise and her retired Navy husband share their loves of travel, community service, and spoiling their Pug, Alouysius.

 

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Comments

  1. I just cried reading this…I used to be a very happy person, and still am most of the time, but I don’t really feel it in my heart (ha, and my blog is called “Fit & Happy”), its like you described, everything is foggy sometimes and I freak out about nothing or just want to cry (although there is no reason)…I’m also anxious all the time, I know that I’m doing too much and relax too little…I don’t think I’m really depressed (or deep down into it), maybe its just beginning, but I’m watching it, if it gets more intense or more often I’ll see a specialist!! Thanks for this post, and for all readers: you are really not alone, a lot of people are suffering from this!! Have a great weekend!!

    • Hi Ulli,

      I’m glad that what I wrote resonated with you as I find that so many times depression isolates us. Self-awareness has been important for me in staying on top of depression, so tracking your symptoms might be a good strategy for you.

      Let me know if I can ever be of help.

      Denise

  2. I have never really figured out if I suffer from depression or not. I do tend to sleep a lot and I’m always tired. I think a lot of my sleeping may be out of boredom but it very well may be depression.

  3. I am lucky in that when I start slipping into depression, working out helps keep it away. I quite literally ran my way out of post partum depression. It’s a huge part of why I maintain a regular workout schedule. It keeps me from starting down that slippery slope.

    I’m glad you have your husband and can realize when you are there. Like you, sometimes I don’t realize I’m there until I’m pulling myself out.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I don’t think people share nearly enough about these issues.

  4. Thanks for this post. I have suffered from depression in the past so I can really relate. And, yes, occasionally it flares up out of nowhere, which is confusing and very difficult. But there is not need for anyone to suffer along because there are answers and there IS help. I wish I had learned that earlier, it took me awhiel to find the courage to go to counseling and get some medicine.

  6. how brave to share her story. depression is a scary thing because you know your reactions aren’t right, but something about it feels completely uncontrollable.

    so true health is about all of our body, including our mind

  7. Denise, thank you for being so willing to share your story with others. As I read your beautiful words, I felt myself tearing up – I felt my heart hurt for you… Your story is sure to help someone reach out and find help for themselves. And for that you are to be applauded.

  8. Denise – thank you for sharing your story. I have a few friends that struggle with depression and I struggle with how to be supportive of them. Thank you for opening my eyes a little more to what they are going through. You are awesome.

    • Hi Gene,

      If what I’ve written sounds like what you’re going through, I have good news: remission from depression is possible and it’s amazing. I went though about five years of misery before I found the right help and I am really grateful that I kept searching and didn’t just give up. The solution is different for everyone but I’m convinced it’s out there for all of us if only we keep looking.

      If I can help in any way, don’t hesitate to let me know.

      Denise

  13. Denise, you sound so very self-aware, I’m sure it must help so tremendously in keeping your moods on track. (The great husband helps, too, yes?) I agree with MCM that my exercise helps me so much to stay happy– when I can’t exercise for some reason (like injury) the effect on my mood is the thing that really concerns me, not so much the effect on my fitness. Thanks for sharing!

  14. Such an amazing post! I have depression as well and even though I take medication, I still go through periods where I have little “flare-ups”. It’s so so so important to have people in our lives that are there for us and understand what we’re going through!

  15. I have “been depressed” but have not suffered like you. The closest I have gotten to that is what happens with the age related hormone changes but nothing like what you go thru. Thank you so much for sharing & helping others!

  17. I agree it’s the secrecy and shame that hurts us all the most. I’ve struggled with some of this too and it is the out-of-nowhere bouts that are the scariest. Thank you for sharing your story Denise and I hope that this begins a larger conversation. Health is about so much more than just physical fitness.

    • Agree 100% Christine and I’m SO VERY grateful to Carla for sharing this with her wonderful community. Would love to start a bigger online discussion about depression – if you have thoughts about how it might work best, I’d love to hear them.

      Denise

  19. Lovely post. I’ve been (still am?) there as well. I don’t tend to write about it in my own blog – it’s one place I draw the line, but I really appreciate reading how others deal with such a challenging and debilitating issue!

    Deb

  20. I wish mental health was openly discussed more often. This is a great post. My husband definitely suffers from depression and that can be really challenging. Hard to watch and hard to help. It seems like when you scratch below the surface it is a common issue with not enough attention.

  21. Had depression since I was 12. Days – even years – when it was manageable to non-existent. Months when it weighed heavy.

    I’ve finally found a good medical combo that often makes me feel normal and definitely keeps me from bottoming out.

    It is a quite manageable disease. But we have to be brave enough to seek the help.

  23. I really enjoyed reading this article cause i’ve been depressed for quite a while and i feel like im ready to move on and i think you opened that door for me :).

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