In life, there are no guarantees. No matter how much we set goals, focus, commit, plan, and forge ahead, the detours still happen. It’s about the journey, not the destination is a good metaphor but hard to appreciate, especially traveling in the fast lane.
A core belief of mine is the words we use and the meanings we attached to them, guide our path. I start each year with a single word. This year, I knew, the word had to be big and bold. Transformation came to mind first, but it wasn’t strong enough. My word for 2013 is Metamorphosis. I have to think when I write it because of the spelling alone.
Over the last few months in blog land, “through the windshield” posts from Tara, Karen, and Carla rocked my world, to say the least.
It was instrumental in my decision to break off my relationship with my blog of over 4 years, Big Girl Bombshell. It had become toxic for me. I wasn’t being truthful with who I was deep inside and I was searching for validation outside myself. Trying to fit in and measure up to something that seemed to go against my belief of myself. I started seeking things to invalidate me.
As hard as I tried, my vision through the windshield was less than clear. When I first read those windshield posts, I thought, “Yeah, I do check my rear view mirror often, but it is what I see clearly.” “My view through the windshield is covered with road grime and smashed bugs that got in my way.” But one day, after washing my windshield, I wrote my own post and the first sentence showed me my own truth.
Mindfulness is not just being in the moment, but paying attention to our surroundings and being aware of just how we fit into the scenarios.
After that post of mine, reminders of my own belief about motivation kept showing up. We have to being moving toward something we imagine as good, rather than just moving away from something bad, to keep us from running out of gas.
Moving forward, seeing what is in front of us, rather than constantly looking at the rear view mirror is a great analogy but when I started to look deeply at my own view, I realized, Big Girl Bombshell was driving and I was in the backseat. I no longer fit into the scenario. I was only along for the ride.
From the backseat, the windshield view is blocked and you have no rear view mirror to rely on. If leaves you disconnected from the trip and your surroundings. With only side mirrors to look out of, you only catch fast glimpses of what is passing you by.
Luckily, for me, some Carla road signs came into clear view when I got in my car recently.
- Paying Rent – I pride myself on my giving nature. I volunteer and tithe monthly to charities and giving to others so they can enjoy something they wouldn’t give themselves. But, I left someone in the back seat, while out paying my rent.
- First Appointment of the Day – before I started blogging as Big Girl Bombshell, my first appointment of the day was Morning Pages. Over 10 years of practice, which was my form of meditation, got tossed by the wayside to write, read, comment, or check-in with others blogs, facebook, and twitter – looking for inspiration from the outside…not within.
- Earworms – I sought, even pursued the words of others to become my earworms only to leave the most important earworm, my inner voice, to shrivel.
- No Excuses Exercise – this was so powerful for me when I first did it. I could see clearly, or so I thought, what my excuses were. What it became was an added excuse to what I really wanted. I fell into the trap of holding myself back until I could lose weight and fit in. Then and only then could I could do the bigger things I wanted. This exercise needs repeating as our life unfolds.
- Branding based on Core Values – while trying to maneuver the road to fitness and weight loss, I lost sight of my core values. My core values of family, generosity, people first, unconditionally love and caring, and spirituality.
- Play-Outs — I understood this concept but only tried to apply it to exercise. I forgot to play with the rest of my life, especially my art. Diet mentality clouded my creative mentality.
- Living my priorities – trying to support and live the Big Girl Bombshell life I had created went against my priorities. While I preached “It’s the attitude, not the scale!” Ignoring my priority, of what we look like doesn’t matter as what we act like and how we treat others, because the scale gave me a different opinion.
- Fly your Freak Flag – feeling good about and at peace with who you are means being transparent. I was trying to fit into an image that did not mesh with what I believed. I thought I couldn’t be at peace with who I am because of my body size.
- Be Your Own Super Hero – Super heroes are heroes because of what they stand for. I didn’t like that I still hid because I haven’t lost weight, so that made me a liar, a fake, and no willpower. Yes..I still cared how others would view me, instead of looking at how I viewed myself. My own mission statement was to inspire, encourage, and support others to see their own potential through my creative, spiritual and honest example. I didn’t live up to that so how could I be my own superhero.
- Unapologetically Yourself – BEST.ROADSIGN.EVER…….This is the exit where I get off and start a new road trip.
I created a new blog that is more in line with who I am. . Phenomenal Living at julesjoyce.net Based on the feeling I got, when over 15 years ago, a dear friend gave me a copy of Maya Angelou’s poem “Phenomenal Woman” She told me it described me perfectly.
The feeling of validation when I hear the words – “I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size” and “ they try so hard but they can’t touch my inner mystery” is indescribable. I am jules, a phenomenally, phenomenal woman…just.as.I.am.
The most ironic part of my real life road trips….I own a convertible. I bought it to celebrate who I am and to enjoy the freedom of the road with the music blaring. Time to get back to that!