The blue + sign (guest post).

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This is a guest post by my request.  Ive known Michelle for what feels like a lifetime and, even though our ages arent THAT far apart, I also feel like a surrogate mother.  Or better than that OLDER SISTER.  I adore her and have ADORED watching her bloom over the past few years.

 

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Sitting on a toilet with a pregnancy test. Set the timer on my iPhone for 3 minutes. My, now Husband, in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Then the blue ‘+’ sign appears. I started shaking….worst.timing.ever….for so many reasons.

I was 4.5 weeks along, totally unplanned, totally unexpected.

For those of you who may not know me, I’m a blogger where I probably talk to candidly about everything. I started blogging in 2008 as a dieting/weight-loss blog. I’ve maintained about 100lbs weight loss for 10 years. In that time I’ve written about my struggles, successes and road blocks with body image, self-esteem and notably over-coming a binge eating disorder.

When I found out I was pregnant I was at a high weight for me.

I have actively given up dieting and the yo-yo cycle and had gained weight. I was readjusting, finding my auto pilot at a different altitude.

To be honest, the first two weeks that I found out that I was pregnant I binged.

I freaked out.

 What if I got super fat?

What if I never got the weight off?

What if all I do is binge my way through it? 

I never really had learned to trust my body, never really wrapped my head around intuitive eating, never allowed myself to be where I was.

Well, the first trimester taught me a lot about myself. I had to eat white bread to survive the nausea. I had to sleep my afternoons and nights away because I was so exhausted. I had to say NO because honestly I just didn’t have it in me to guilt myself into doing more than I was.

I learned to start trusting my body. I didn’t gain stacks of weight. I didn’t binge my way through the cookie jar at work. I still squeezed in walks when I had enough energy.

We all know that women have a lot of pressure on them to bounce back from pregnancy (ie lady that got praised and land-blasted for posing with her kids with a  six pack –or- the lady 3 days post-partum with a flat belly in a lacy bra). There’s a lot of pressure on women to be something before, during and after pregnancy that has nothing to do with them…and everything to do with someone else.

I had a doctor, very early on, say that I should gain a little weight as I could. To be honest, that was a huge trigger for me. It brought flash-backs of a boyfriend saying similar things to me years ago.

But I was stronger this time.

I had to let the panic of perfection wash over me. I had to be honest with myself about my food, sleep, work, exercise choices. For the first time in my life I’ve had to just listen to my body. If that meant pizza, salad, in bed by 7:30pm, extra water, an evening walk or dirty floors….I just had to listen to me.

I never thought this would be such a healing journey for me. It’s made me praise my body, it’s changing shape. It’s made me feel more womanly, be more kind to ME and really damn proud of what I’m doing. It’s healed so much of the mental head space that I had fought for so long.

It’s made me believe in my own strength.

It’s made me believe in my own beauty.

It’s made me believe in my own grace.

 

 

Michelle is a blogger and sparked the body-loving international  ‘Exposed Movement.’

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Comments

  5. This is such a wonderful story. I hope being pregnant and being a mom brings you more appreciation for what a gift your body is!

  7. Hi Michelle! Thank you for writing this–I could’ve written it myself. I had the same fears with BOTH of my pregnancies! The first time, I had suffered 3 prior losses, and was on an emotional rollercoaster, which put me about 15lbs over my “comfortable” weight. I thought I was going to be huge by the time I delivered. Alas…I gained 19lbs, gave birth to a healthy baby, lost the 19 pounds, and life went on. However…I still never lost that 15 extra pounds that I started with. And then 10 months later, I got pregnant again!

    I gained 20 pounds with my second pregnancy. I just had my 2nd baby, and last week I started working out again and feeling like myself. I have to admit that I’m insanely proud to admit that I’m not doing any self-loathing at to his point (2 babies later) like I thought I would. The fact that I have 2 beautiful, healthy children has done great things to my perspective (well, that plus 2 years of therapy and treatment for my eating disorder). I look at my health as the top priority now. Everything else just feels narcissistic when I have so much to be thankful for.

    Congratulations!

  8. Michelle, thank you so much for sharing your story! When I found out I was pregnant (again) I was at my lowest adult weight and I freaked out as well. I know a lot more now about how to handle pregnancy weight gain. The pressure to “snapback” is unbelievable and extremely overwhelming.

  9. I could relate to this post so much. I binged with my first pregnancy, I was filled with that same anxiety. When I got pregnant with twins the second time, I was told that if I gained to much weight it could cause premature labor. Needless to say, I ate super healthy. Beautiful post, I think so many mammas can relate.

  11. So glad that you were able to leave the anxiety behind and enjoy the pregnancy (at least once the non-nauseaus parts of it)! Working in social media can be such a double-edged sword when it comes to body image and insecurities.

    Thanks for sharing your story!

  12. This is such a great post. My partner and I don’t plan to have kids (we’re totally satisfied being the cool aunt and uncle), but I know that if I did plan to have children weight gain would be a huge concern for me too (having lost 90 pounds). I’m so happy for you that you were able to get past all the scary thoughts and embracing such a blessing to your life.

  13. Sounds like you are dealing with the pressure well. I had no idea that it’s that bad. To be fair, that mom who posed with her three kids had a good point.

  14. Michelle, this really is a wonderful post, and such a testament to the hard mind work you’ve put in over the years. I don’t plan on having children, but while reading this I wondered if subconsciously the things you mention are part of the reason I don’t want them. I have spent so long trying to fix my body and get over my binge eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and everything that makes me feel poorly equipped to get through a pregnancy without becoming self destructive with my body. There are lots of other reasons for not wanting children, so don’t get worried that these thoughts are what’s holding me back! Point is: this struck a chord with me even though I’ve never been pregnant. Much love.

  16. Thank you all for your comments. I am so glad that so many of you are being honest about your own feelings about getting prego and/or have dealt with. It’s only when we let those feelings out that we can make change. Good on ALL of your who have been real with where you are. It was a COMPLETE shock, but I know that it was a total blessing in disguise. xo

  17. Nice story!

    I gained 55 pounds during my second pregnancy. It did not help that I was put on bed rest. Plus, I was stressed (risk of premature labor), so I ate chocolate to cope. It took a while (and a lot of work) to get back to a fit me.

    If I was to be pregnant again (which won’t happen), I would be way more careful with my food. I would not want to ruin all my efforts!

    My only question, how can a pregnancy be totally unexpected? I mean, we all know how babies are made, no? LOL 😉

    (I know I’m being annoying. Please forgive me.) 🙂

    Thanks for posting this article!

  18. For the previous commenter, I totally know how a pregnancy can be as unexpected as possible given that, yes, we do know how it happens. I love how gracefully you’ve embraced this, and it need not get in the way of fitness or even weight loss goals. It’s not a setback but a victory.

  19. Great post Michelle! I haven’t written much about it on my blog, but I battled anorexia in University. The body-acceptance part of pregnancy was the hardest part of each of my pregnancies. I applaud you for having the courage to write about this delicate topic.

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