Thank you therapy or how to take a compliment.

by

Miz, I’ve lost 15 pounds & still have at least 30 more to go before I’m at goal.  I don’t want to be a skinny minnie so even that’s just an average weight for most people.  Lately I’ve had a friends start to notice my weight loss. When they tell me how good I look I never know what to say. I don’t think I look good yet and I end up telling them how fat I still look and how much more weight  I want to lose.

I guess this isn’t really a question. Thanks for reading I know you’re busy.

Ok, even though our emailer was right, & the message wasn’t really a question, I decided to post it anyway.

I welcomed the chance to re-address the notion she brought up in her email: how to react when others give you a compliment.

It’s still baffling to me how these snippets of niceties should be so easy for us to accept, yet they throw many of us women (men? chime in!) into a tiny tailspin.

Whether *you* feel the compliment is earneddeserved or not is, in fact, beside the point.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind next time a loving sentiment is lobbed your way.

(Today’s lesson is also brought to you by MizFit’s Awkward Moments in Life # 2323: the compliment bestowage.)

About a decade ago it clicked for me that someone else being GREAT at something did not, in any way, diminish my greatness at aforementioned endeavor.

Let me elaborate.

If, for example, I read a friend’s manuscript & am blown away by her writing skills it does not make my writing any less fantastic.

If, for example, I see a woman sauntering down the street looking fabulously coiffed and tell her so—-it doesnt make my hair any less fantiztastic looking (hypothetically as Miz’s hair is not her crowning glory. Ever.)

Make any sense yet?

Let me delve deeper (briefly) into the notion that, in my younger years, I didnt always grasp the fact that I shouldnt feel threatened by someone for her ‘gifts.’

I hadnt yet come to the concept that the mere existence of them has no impact on my ‘worthiness’ what so ever. There is room for everyone.

In a glossing-over-sort-of-way (because it’s a post for a different day) Im a firm believer that many times women are hard on other women because they feel threatened (& are simultaneously too damn hard on themselves as well. again, a different post).

That they (the royal. the masses at large.) have yet to make the leap & realize that one woman’s success (whatever the realm) does not inhibit or mean that they cant be successfulamazing, too.

Which all, rather circuitously, brings me to my Tuesday Tip Du Jour.

The fact that, following my Ah Ha! moment, I now lack an internal monologue & prance up to complete strangers and tell them precisely what Im thinking.

“You look awesome today! I like to pretend it’s mamahood which makes me disheveled—-but that’s just an excuse. I never looked as pulled together as you do.”

“Wow. I saw how you handed that interaction and had to come up and tell you how in awe I am of your zenlikecalm. I completely would have lost my mind.”

that sort of stuff.

And Id be lying to you if I didnt say that, following my bestowage o’compliment, I often want to run & hide in the nearest closet.

The awkwardness. The brushing off. The (and this is my favorite) inexplicable “Oh? You too!!” make me *almost* wish I could take the entire gesture back.

That’s why today is Accepting Compliments 201: the refresher course we can all use.

A few tips to help us accept kind words, internalize them & neither brush them off nor feel compelled to IMMEDIATELY return the sentiment.

1. Pause and listen to what the person is saying. HEAR the compliment. Dont allow yourself to immediately respond with ‘it’s nothing’ or ‘I usually screw everything up. I was lucky this time!‘ Sit with the praise for a moment no matter how uncomfortable or ‘unworthy’ you may feel. Take additional time, when you’re ready, to ask yourself *why* you might feel embarrassed/unworthy of the specific praise.
2. Remember that there is kindness behind the words. When you brush off a compliment you are, in essence, denigrating its giver & putting him in the position of defending his judgement. By reflexively launching into a list of what you perceive to be your weaknesses BOTH of you end up feeling awkward which wasnt, I guarantee you, the compliment-givers intention.

No matter what you feel in the moment try and smile in a way which conveys you appreciate the thought behind the words.

3. Feel free to respond honestly to the praise. While I urge you to accept the compliment there’s nothing wrong with taking a moment to explain your ’success.’ I’ll never forget one woman, whom I praised for staying shockingly calm while her own Tornado had a public meltdown, explaining to me that it was an entirely new approach for her. That she was CALMCALM merely because it was the first time she’d tried it.

Explain if you wish (“Thanks! I never have time to plan my outfit but I made myself do it this morning. Glad it worked!”) but avoid letting the explanation transition into listing all your (perceived) faults.

4. (You knew this one was coming) Practice. Practice. Practice in the mirror. Is accepting a compliment not your best trait? are you the type who immediately needs to return the sentiment (not necessarily a bad thing) or put yourself down? Try repeating these phrases as you look at yourself in the mirror.

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you, I’m honored by your words.
Thank you, I admire you so your praise definitely means a great deal.
Thank you I really tried hard on this one!

5. Be my Toddler. While I could bore you with stories the bottom line is that toddlers, in general, are pretty much how we should all aspire to be: uber confident. (yes, some of it is hilariously misplaced—but Im fighting the urge to digress.)

Next time you are around a child of the toddler persuasion pay attention to how he or she accepts a compliment. Chances are not only will she happily accept the praise, but she’ll take a moment to point out to you one or two other things she does well.

We adults may not wanna go quite that far—but a little bit of Tornado’y confidence couldn’t hurt.

That concludes Accepting Compliments 201 and, as usual, I’m certain I didnt nail it all in my post.

Got any other suggestions for our emailer?

Have any good stories about attempts to BESTOW compliments which went horribly awry?

Please to hit us all up in the coments.

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Comments

  1. FAB POST MIZ! I think I am still coming around to this realization with the woman-folk. But, when it started to click with me, things felt much BETTER inside and I’m accepting and moving on, realizing that other people are great at what they do and I can be too )

    Thanks!!

  4. I really love the ideas you’ve given us.
    I’m gonna say thank you I am honored by your words next time instead of giving the person a million reasons why what they say isn’t true.

  5. This post is right on time for me.
    My girlfriend and I were out last night and the hostess complimented her on her dress and it was awkward city.

    I love my girlfriend and she needs this post because she went on and on about how the dress made her look fat.

  6. I wasn’t the emailer yet Ive been there.
    For me I just smile and say: Thanks. I’ve worked my ass off. Literally.

  7. In addition to getting myself all healthi-fied, I’ve also gotten better with the enthusiastic (and sosimpleithurts) ‘thank you’ when given a compliment. Even the ones that go something along the lines of, “You look GREAT. I didn’t recognize you.”

    sigh. They mean well.

  8. I lost 30 pounds over the last year, and I had some awkward exchnages regarding the change. I found that “Thanks, I’ve been really working at” or “Thanks, I have a bit more to go, but I’m glad you noticed” or the ever-so-original “Thanks!” all worked well.

  9. I am finally accepting the realization that there is room for everyone! I have def felt for a long time that I needed to work/push more and more and more so that I could do better/be better. Now I’m not saying one shouldn’t push to be the best they can be, but at some point you must appreciate yourself for what you are!

    Yah, I can’t give up coffee…maybe ever 🙂 The little bit of sugar I put in it is what I’m trying to give up but its not exactly going well haha.

  10. this is such a fantastic post – it’s not something a lot of ppl think about but accepting a compliment is so important, i think ppl think they are self-centered if they feel good about themselves… i still dont know how to fully react when my hubby says something sweet… i just kind of ignore it or make a joke about it and he says just say thank you and accept it haha…

    hope you have a great day!

  11. Sometimes modestly can be almost rude, so a simple thank you and genuine smile are called for. You all look marvelous today.

  12. I work with some wonderful and amazing children. I love that when I compliment them, as you said, they just take it on. My favorite last week was Daisy, I noticed she had a new beautiful dress on and told her I thought it was lovely, she held out the skirt, did a little twirl, giggled and then skipped off to play with the other kids. Now that’s how to take a compliment.

    I am not so balletic nor graceful, but I’ve learned to say thank you and smile. It feels good, it helps me feel like I deserve it. It also reminds me to compliment people around me, because when you let it, it feels REALLY good.

  13. I needed the reminder of there is kindness behind the words.

    I automatically begin thinking the person is complimenting me while also thinking other less kind thing.

    Like how much better they would look in the jeans etc.

    I’m pathetic. I know.

  14. You’re so smart, Carla! (don’t get all squirmy, you are!)

    I think one of the things that happens with compliments is that if what the other person says to us doesn’t align with how we see ourselves, there is a big disconnect that comes through our bodies. If people think back to a moment when they have received a compliment- even if they essentially believed it to be “true”, women often experience a real physical discomfort- usually around their power center, the solar plexus area/power chakra.
    We are not always comfortable experiencing any sense of our own power, and do a LOT to deflect it.
    I know from my years of working with clients that it’s hard for women to stand in their power, stand in their gifts, to be seen as equal let alone maybe “better” than somebody- We have been socialized to fear rejection or abandonment if we shine too brightly, and even the most well adjusted among us can struggle with this on some level.
    I notice a new form of deflecting the compliment around clothes and stuff- where the person getting the compliment says how “cheap” the item was. As if it’s not ok to spend money on something for yourself.

    Oy- we have some work to do. thanks for the great post Carla, this is a good one for us to consider.

    Love and blessings-
    xox
    Lisa
    Lisa@IntuitiveBody.com

  15. #5 Be your toddler is so true, and it’s an acceptable way to act like a child!

    It’s all really good stuff here though.

  16. Great topic Mizfit – I struggle with this all the time. I always respond with something negative and don’t take the time to take it in and accept it. I know I have lost a lot of weight but in my eyes I am still that 322 lb person that I never thought I would make it this far. I do have more to lose and more to achieve but I will try and practice and learn to say thank you to those that really mean it.

    Mara
    http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/

  18. I don’t think of myself as at all catty yet I’d never thought of the concept that someone else having a good hair day LOL doesn’t mean I am not having one too.

    Thank you for this week so far, MizFit.

    I rarely comment but I’m always here.

  20. When people compliment me I can’t help but respond with a compliment.

    “I like your tee!”

    Gets a

    “I like yours too!”

    What’s that about, Miz? Bumbling Band? Any ideas??

  21. (please to insert joke here where I awkwardly deflect all the compliments youve bestowed upon me followed by a loudASS rimshot!)

  22. I can accept compliments just fine. My problem is making sure I don’t follow up with a long-winded explanation of the exercise program I did to get the arms, body or whatever.

  23. I like what Lisa said above.

    I also think that we… and I mean women specifically, although this is true about some men, too… are taught to downplay our accomplishments, whatever they may be. We feel uncomfortable blowing our own horns about things we do/have done, and likewise, we feel uncomfortable being acknowledged for these things. It’s very deep conditioning, and it takes a ton of practice to get past.

    But on a note more specific to the original letter, I have a kind but not socially adept colleague who, when I was really losing weight, screamed down the hall, “YOU LOOK GREAT. SO HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST???” I cringed. I did not feel complimented. I felt embarrassed as hell.

    I think another part of it is that “you look great NOW” aspect. It immediately makes me wonder how awful I looked in the past that I look so great now.

  24. Great suggestions!! That’s been one of the hardest things for me to do, is accept a compliment graciously. After all, I have to look in the mirror every morning and don’t see what in the world there is to compliment.

  25. You know, for a long time my self-esteem was so low that I really couldn’t bring myself to just accept a compliment. I felt like I’d “fooled” the other person somehow, and felt it necessary to “correct” their perception of me.

    But my grandma (of the impeccable Southern manners) told me once that it was actually RUDE not to just say thank you: if you start in on your faults, or how much farther you have to go than you’ve come, or whatever, you’re basically telling the other person that a) their opinion is wrong, and b) their opinion doesn’t matter to you.

    Phrased that way, my people-pleasing self started just saying thank you (sometimes through clenched teeth), because it wasn’t about ME anymore: I was being polite to the other person. But over time, I found that just saying thank you, without a follow-up or anything, made me slowly start to realize that I really HAD done things worth something, that I really DID look nice today, whatever.

    Does that make sense? Sort of a back-door way to build self-esteem, but at the time, probably the only way I *could* have learned it.

  26. OMG another Great Post, not that you’re posts are ever crap, it’s just the past two have really reached me as others have in the past as well….guess this is why I keep coming back for more 😉

    I think this post really reaches so many in every aspect of the world. In my current performing circle, up & coming Artists are the worst about graciously accepting compliments and praise. They either tear themselves down in front of people, or they come off as pompous @$$(Donkeys – why is it not -ies?) Anywho, I’ve notice the more polished, successful Artists accept compliments and praise so beautifully…Graciously smiling and saying thank you. They really listen and usually cast a warm look to the praise-er for the kind words. We should all take to heart what Miz recommends, practice in the mirror at accepting praise. If you’ve done the work, then accept it…and if it’s dumb luck, then you’re a natural and accept it anyway…we all have so many gifts to share with the world, don’t detract from that beautiful thing with self-doubt & insecurity. Embrace your FABULOSITY!

  27. This was such a great post! I used to not be able to say thank you to compliments. Too many years of being “fat” & getting picked on. It was really hard when I first lost weight & people kept telling how great I looked yet all I could say was the opposite. I did not believe it nor was I used to accepting compliments. Now, even though I sometimes still see that fat kid in he mirror, I always say thank you to a compliment & I like to provide encouragement & compliments in return. We all need them & we need to support each other!

  28. How can Marste be up so early? She is to be commended.

    Anyway, lovely post and great ideas (and I expect nothing less.)

    Now, back to bed for me. Oh, wait. I’m still in bed.

  29. my people-pleasing self started just saying thank you

    I LOVE THAT, MARSTE.
    It’s how I roll so often as well. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons (you know what I mean by wrong…) & in the end it becomes a habit.
    A good habit.
    For the (fingerquote) right (unFQ) reasons.

    great point.

  31. I love the comment about being a toddler! My pilates instructor told me the best story about her five year old nephew, who has uber confidence. He apparently was learning how to swim and his mom told him “you’re doing great, Brian.” He turned to her and responded “yes, I AM great!” He was right. I think as adults we don’t have enough of those genuine “I AM great” moments!

    Love the blog mizfit. 🙂

  32. This is one more example in which I aspire to be like you Miz! (Do I write that every. single. day? Yes, I think I do.) I’m great at giving compliments, not good at receiving them. But now I’m dying to hear the Toddler uber-confidence stories!! The Tornado really is at such a fun age:)
    PS> You hair is gorgeous! Always so think & straight and shiny!!

  33. I recently posted a new profile pic on Facebook from my Vancouver trip. To me, I needed more makeup, a flat iron, and maybe 5 hours of sleep. Everyone was ready to jump up and compliment me. I think I needed to just sit back and take the compliments instead of being ready to say, no wait! That’s the best way to take a compliment, a simple thank you.

  34. Remembering that there’s kindness behind the words is so key.

    I’m a pretty awkward compliment-receiver. In my attempts to not shrug off a compliment, I’ve come across as cocky. Even though, of course, that cockiness was just masking whatever insecurity it was that didn’t know how to just be gracious.

    Taking a moment to listen, absorb that kindness, and then respond graciously and humbly (none of that false-humility stuff) is all I aspire to. Authenticity.

    Being intentional about complimenting those I quietly admire would also be brilliant 🙂

  35. Miz this is such a great post! After losing 100 pounds once, I had to get used to taking the compliments. ANY attention is hard for me. My wedding shower was almost too much. I just felt so weird being showered with gifts.

    One I need to work on is when someone says that they like something I have on I just need to say thank you and then stop. Instead I always say “Thanks it was $5 at TJ Maxx”. I’m proud of my bargains though 🙂

  36. Such a great post. I have a hard time accepting some compliments. I guess it depends on the giver and on my current state of mind. I have learned to accept the physical compliments over the years so when people say they like my hair or tell me I look nice, I feel like I’m able (after years of working on it) to accept their compliment and thank them sincerely.

    When I get compliments on, say, a run or something that I’ve written, yikes! I have a much harder time. I totally downplay what I’ve done. MUST WORK ON THAT!

    I love giving other people compliments. It makes me feel good!

  38. Very timely post. I am sooo terrible at accepting compliments – just cut my hair into a very new short ‘do so have been fielding compliments left and right.
    Such a horrible thing, yes?

  41. This can’t be said enough: just say thanks.
    It’s so blasted annoying that we’re taught to shrug off compliments. We end up insulting the complimenter when we do that. Or worse, it sounds like we’re fishing for reassurance and even more compliments.
    Thanks for running this MizFit.
    We should be taught from day one that when someone appreciates us for something we should take it and like it.

  42. Oh MizFit, how I love thee… let me count the ways…
    1) your posts are always timely, seeming to read what I need to hear on any given day…
    2) You are open and honest
    3) No matter what you say, you do have great hair 🙂

  43. the hair? I shall merely say thank you & invite ya’ll to hang with me @ blogher this summer and decide for yourself in person 😉

  44. I give compliments freely and sincerely, but still have trouble receiving them. The ones I gladly accept are ones in which I agree with the compliment. If I don’t think I look good or did well on something I’m hesitant to accept. It’s all about my own perception of myself. I’ll take to heart the tips you included in this post. So, thank YOU for posting and sharing your wisdom.

  45. This is one of the “lessons” in which I have been privileged enough to actually watch you in action on for quite a few years.

    At first, I must admit, it seemed ballsy and so forward and then I began to really watch people’s reaction to you.

    This has definitely rippled into my world and has changed so much. I began to simply whisper to myself, “There is no finite amount of creativity, talent or style–we can ALL share it.”

    You receive and give compliments like no one I’ve ever known. The authentic exchange of empowerment is palpable. I LOVED the honesty here of a friend from real life. How she acknowledged that at first it all seemed forward and ballsy to her…I loved that she pointed that out. Thanks Kelley.

  46. Great post!

    It took me a long time to figure out how to accept a compliment with grace. One day it hit me that I absolutely hate it when other people turned a compliment I give them into something negative – so why be a hypocrite and do the same thing myself?

    Besides, if I spend extra time on my makeup or something in the morning and someone notices, then it is probably not because they are just being nice…it is because my makeup looks awesome.

  48. Great post. It’s funny how sometimes a compliment can feel embarrassing when the opposite is intended. I never really thought about how, in an attempt to be “modest,” being dismissive or making fun of myself can actually make the compliment-giver feel awkward.

    I definitely need to keep this in mind!

  49. This is something I’ve had a lot of issue with. One of the things I’ve discovered (but still have issue doing) is that it’s best to smile and say “thank you” then process it later. Because when you first hear the compliment, all the negative self talk and denial kicks in. All of that negative self talk and denial may well keep us humble, on track, and all sorts of other stuff, but sometimes it just acts as a barrier between us and our achievements.

    I’m just starting to learn that people mean it when they give out compliments, and it isn’t just jockeying for position socially, in the work place, or some other situation. That people genuinely DO see something that we’re not seeing from the inside because we’re so engrossed in the situation.

  50. I was where your poster was last year. Every time someone would comment on my weight loss. I would always come back with, I still have more to lose. It was a self concious reaction I would always have when told this. Even though, I welcome the compliments, I would also think, this compliment isnt justified yet because I didn’t feel I had lost “enough” weight YET to be looked upon as losing weight. Make sense? It was my own self esteem I had to work on besides learning how to eat right and exercising. It ended up being all part of the process and journey of my weight loss.

  51. I still need to work on this.

    And as a sideline–the same applies with running. There are some wonderful women who encourage me sometimes as they run (quickly, seemingly effortlessly) by me, and I have only a split second and limited breath to reply. I usually just say thanks, but want to say so much more (it takes far longer and more breath than I have to say “thank you thank you thank you–you have no idea how much you just helped me. you are a wonderful amazing person. I heap good karma upon your head.)

    So the issue is that I want to give that encouragement to other women, but have no idea what to say. Somehow the nice women who encourage me sound so much more natural saying “you go girl” than I ever could.

  52. wow…this rings true in ever letter of the post!

    A couple of months ago, someone told me how great I looked and I responded with the normal “Thanks but I still need to blah blah blah” The person actually inturrupted me and said “its okay, just say thanks”

    I smiled and said thanks, turned and walked away but haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

    Why is it so hard to just say “THANKS!”

  53. The confidence of a toddler is the confidence we all ought to share! Besides, that kind of confidence has the domino effect of making the other person smile- so then everyone wins.

    In aikido we are all really polite because that’s part of the formalities. I’m the newest person there so everyone else has to help me, and every time they tell me that I’m doing something really good I’m pretty sure I rise a few inches off the ground. To be honest, I think that smiling and saying “thank you” and showing how happy we are that someone noticed and took the time to compliment actually encourages them to compliment MORE when they see you doing something good, because they know that you’ll respond well.

    And I like taking the time to stop someone and speak my mind if I admire something about them. Last week I walked past a girl and thought her boots look nice and I felt kind of bad a block away because I hadn’t stopped and told her that. But most of the time I try to make sure I DO speak those thoughts.

  54. Dear Mizfit,
    Awesome post!! I find it is much easier to “take” compliments on my writing than compliments on my appearance. It’s… complicated, you know? And while I do recognize that while most often it IS said in kindness (the compliment), it is also entangled with all kinds of curiosity (how did you do that?), guilt (how come I can’t do that), shame (I’ll never be able to do that) and so it FEELS complicated and often not “clean.”

    When I notice that someone has lost a lot of weight I rarely say anything. I worry, what if they’re really ILL and that’s why they’ve lost weight? It feels so personal! What if they weren’t trying to lose weight? AND if I say “you look so great!” doesn’t that imply that they USED to look fat and out of shape? (I think this is also wrapped up in the receiving end, if you say I look great now, it’s reminding me that for a long time I looked like doo-doo)

    Ahh, it’s VERY complicated!!

  55. AHHHHH Foodie McBody. you bring up in your comment about weight loss and fearing someone might be ill something that happened to me recently.

    I saw a woman I hadnt seen in ages.
    perhaps 8 months?
    She looked amazing.
    Happy. Calm.
    She had cut off all her hair and just looked FANTASTIC (you see where Im going with this yet?).
    The cut was so seemingly out of character for her (hip. edgy. risky.) and yet looked so so good I had to stop her and tell her.

    And then I found out that she’d had breast cancer and her hair was just growing back. Finally. She hadnt cut it off.

    I almost become horrifyingly embarrassed and stumblybumbly but I just was honest.

    I hadnt known.

    She did look great.

    we talked a bit and went on our separate ways.

    I later received an email from her thanking me.
    In a way about what FAB KATE said in her comment above.

    That she knew I was being sincere and honest (since I hadnt know) in a way she was skeptical from friends who knew she had lost her hair to chemo.

    (a little rambly…but a share none the less)

  56. I love everything you wrote and others have commented about compliments. Since I’m a bit shy, it is a leap for me to compliment a stranger– and when she accepts it gracefully, it boosts my self-esteem probably even more than it boosts hers! Part of having low self-esteem is being a bit egocentric (for me, for me) so when somebody compliments you why not think “I can make this person’s day just by saying, wow, that’s so nice of you to notice.” Even if you’re not to the point where you can agree.

    p.s. “There is room for everyone” is going up on my bulletin board.

  57. Good post, Miz. My only wish FOR YOU is that you could give those compliments without reflecting anything off yourself:

    “I just need to say that is an awesome outfit you’re wearing today.”

    “I saw that interaction and admire the way you pulled that off.”

    The easiest thing to do with a compliment is to smile and say thank you.

    And y’all know we’ll be hangin at blogher…

  59. Thanks for checking up on me. Lots of “stuff” …

    Great ideas on accepting compliments. I have gotten better about it. It does take practice.

    I would rather give compliments!

  60. What I think has already been said (how do you get so many comments?) however THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYONE?

    Powerful, Miz, powerful.

  61. Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at just saying thanks, but it was definitely a learning curve. My biggest issue is that I don’t let myself enjoy the compliment, because most of the time I am sure it isn’t true, that if the person really knew what was going on they wouldn’t be complimenting me etc…. I wrestle with the hypocrisy of smiling and acting appreciative. I guess it’s hypocrisy – I don’t really know. Or is it “just” self-deprecation? I truly appreciate that they feel that way; I just don’t agree. Where is that on the spectrum of acceptance? LOL

    OTH if anyone out there wants to click on my name, go to my blog, and give a “woo hoo” to my twin who just finished her first ever 3 mile run, I’d appreciate that! 😀 (Miz, if this is out of line just edit it out; I won’t be offended in the least.) NO WAY! IM POINTING IT OUT!!!!

  62. I am horrible at accepting compliments still. People say I look good, am “shrinking away,” etc and I don’t see it and can’t accept the compliment. Instead I usually reply with something along the lines of “I wish” or “I still have plenty more to lose.” It is sad that I can’t just relish in all that I have lost.

  64. Great post. Accepting compliments was something I started to learn in my teens (then promptly forgot when I became depressed, but am learning again).

    The feeling threatened thing is something I’ve had for a while. I guess I have this thing of wanting to be the best. I gave up playing the guitar and writing songs for a year or so because John Mayer basically wrote everything I ever wanted to say or play so much better than I ever could 😀 But I’m learning to accept that other people’s success doesn’t diminish my own, and that I can be good without being the best.

  67. Great post. Although I’m reminded of the scene in “Mean Girls” where the Queen Bee tells Lindsay Lohan that she’s pretty, LiLo thanks her, and the Queen says something like “oh, so you think you’re pretty too”.

    But like you said, that’s a post for another day.

  70. I get where she’s coming from. Her discomfort is an artifact from our teenage and early 20’s years. That age span seems to be the point where a woman’s self-esteem is usually the lowest. Therefore, we take it out on other women. At that age, there was never a compliment that didn’t come with strings attached. I still remember in high school some girls telling me I looked good or gave a good speech, only to hear them cackle and whisper when they thought I was out of ear shot. I did the same thing to other girls, so I’m not a saint either.

    As we get older, we become more comfortable with ourselves. More confident. Wiser. There’s no need to compete (well, at least it’s diminished). So compliments become easier to receive and more sincere to give.

    I wouldn’t take back my teens & 20’s for anything. I like my gray hairs and aging body. I like the place where I’m at now and will feel even better about this as I get older. And I believe that some of the most beautiful women are 50 or older.

  71. What a great post.

    Reader that was quoted above, you have worked to lose the 15, even if you have more you would like to see come off. Simply say “thanks! Working on 30 more!”. It will prompt those that know you personally to help cheer you on to more success.

    I too have probs taking compliments. In the recent years passed, I have learned to GIVE more compliments. How cool that you can lighten a mood or give a shiny moment in a day to someone by saying something nice about them.

  72. Great post, Miz! If the Bag Lady ever receives another compliment in her life, she’ll remember your advice (right after she picks herself up off the floor and recovers from the dead faint a compliment would engender!)

  73. I know when I was younger I was very easily threatened by other women and would never have complimented as I was too busy cutting them down.

    Now that I’m older I get it. I am far happier with who I am and give compliments to others more freely.

  74. This is something a lot of us struggle with. I’m glad you re-touched this issue. It’s a good reminder that being humble doesn’t mean discounting all that we do!

    My issue is taking a compliment for things I don’t think should be as big of a deal and shouldn’t be emphasized in our culture. I guess it follows the same thing – know the person’s intent and graciously accept what they are meaning – not your interpretation!

  75. My issue is taking a compliment for things I don’t think should be as big of a deal and shouldn’t be emphasized in our culture.

    very good point, Diana.
    When people tell the Toddler she’s cute I her trained to respond: IM STRONG TOO.

    There may or may not be a front double bicep pose thrown in there as well—Im not telling.

  76. Threatened. It is at the bottom of it. That, and I think women are culturalized to brush compliments off. It’s a weird dichotomy. We are to strive to be superhuman, yet never take acknowledgment for what we get right – only beat ourselves for our flaws. No wonder we all struggle.

    I am taking this to strive to dish out more compliments when they occur to me instead of keeping them to myself.

  77. I think the last time I felt uber-confident was when I was a toddler. Hmmn.

    Good post, Miz!
    Merry cups her ear in a theatrical manner, waiting expectantly for MizFit to say…

  79. I think Mary Meps is right on. We do strive to be superhuman, but although we (partially) know that we will never achieve such unrealistic goals, we tend to see failure in the accomplishments we DO achieve because they aren’t the mountains we mentally expect ourselves to summit. Why do we do this?! Agh!

    I think it is also important for us to dish out compliments honestly and FULLY. Not just quick ones off-handedly, but thoughtful compliments that help others know that we appreciate their strengths, talents, uniqueness, and helpful ways – their gifts to humanity and to US in those times when we most need and appreciate them.

    When we can pinpoint what aspects of our friends and family are the most important to us, and we can identify them for those people through compliments, we nurture and encourage their best elements!

    I think I’ve rambled, but nevertheless, it has brought out something that I really needed to remember myself . . . whether or not it makes sense outside of my brain. Thanks for letting me run with it!

  80. We are to strive to be superhuman, yet never take acknowledgment for what we get right – only beat ourselves for our flaws. No wonder we all struggle.

    So true. And completely why Im striving to be more in the moment. To stop and acknowledge what Im feeling (good or bad) and where I am (good and bad). Otherwise we’re just doingdoingdoing in an effort to be, as you say, superhuman and never stopping to focus on all we do right & well.

    I know that’s why I love to write. Because I enjoy the process and, perhaps, too often avoid the end product for fear of only finding the flaws.

    I think it is also important for us to dish out compliments honestly and FULLY.

    Great point and makes me think of our kids. How we are inflating their self esteem (which is a good thing) but too often not giving them an anchor for it.

    The ‘youre so great’ versus the ‘Ive noticed how you enjoy drawing. You really are good at it. I love how your pictures are so colorful’ kind of thing.

    ok.
    now *I* am rambling 🙂

  81. But you “GOT IT” – you de-coded MY rambling! 🙂 Sometimes it takes another writer to unravel the meanings of another, right?

    Miz, I’ve noticed you have a way with understanding the core of what people try to express. I like how you are able to dissect comments and reinterpret them in positive and helpful ways.

  82. I think I’ve grown more at ease with accepting compliments, but I need to work on the giving part. I do well with my nearest and dearest, but I still feel shy about complimenting acquaintances and passers-by. Which is why, for me, what Heather in MO said (comment #52) is so true: “Somehow the nice women who encourage me sound so much more natural saying “you go girl” than I ever could.”

    And yes, what Foodie McBody (#55) said about it being easier to accept compliments on an accomplishment than on appearance is true for me, too. Although sometimes appearance is entwined with accomplishment (looking more healthful when it’s the result of working on fitness and proper eating).

  83. My daughter was about three or so and had long, long incredible blonde hair. I braided it overnight and then combed it out the next morning so that she looked like a Pre-Raphaelite angel when we went to church. A good friend bent down to her and said, “Oh you have such beautiful hair!” My daughter touched her hair lovingly and replied, with a becoming simper, “I know…”

    My favorite compliment story.

    As a performer, I’ve had to come to grips with this problem. It was always so exhausting standing in the reception line after a concert greeting people and having to fend off the compliments. (Especially when I thought I had actually sucked, which sometimes happened.) Then I discovered the trick of turning the tables–somebody would compliment me and I would say, “You are SOOOOO NICE to say that.”

  84. Thank you so much for the tips on accepting complements. I have a problem with it too. Can’t seem to just accept it and move on. I definitely should do a little practicing. =)

  86. Very good advice! I kinda realised this at one point, when I began to be frustrated that I would offer a true heartfelt compliment and it would be swatted away or talked down. As the giver it made me sad, so I realised that when the tables are turned I have to be careful to take someone compliment and gently accept it.

    Also, the other side of appearance based compliments is your own thoughts. It’s so easy to turn these around and think “ha, I told you you were a fatty and everyone noticed!” Even when I accept compliments with a smile and a thank you, I have to work hard for my internal dialogue not to spoil the thoughtfulness of the moment.

  88. Great post, Miz. I think you’re right about women being hard on each other because of insecurities…

    When I had lost weight (about 20 lbs) and started getting compliments, it really freaked me out. Because people were noticing, I felt like I had new expectations placed on me, that I had to maintain my weight and healthy eating PERFECTLY because people seemed to be watching me and commenting on my weight/foods. Not surprisingly, I’ve put back on about 10 of those lbs…guess it’s something I still need to work on. Thanks for the tips!

  90. brianna? this.made.my.day.

    Thank you.

    Miz, I’ve noticed you have a way with understanding the core of what people try to express. I like how you are able to dissect comments and reinterpret them in positive and helpful ways.

  92. Oh, great topic. Especially useful for anyone on a quest for weight loss/wellness/buffness. I had a head-on encounter with this last night when I complimented my boyfriend on how great his arms were looking (he’s all up in the P90x thing), to which he responded something like, “I’m not there yet…still a ways to go…working on it…” and I cut him off and said TAKE THE COMPLIMENT. It’s definitely counter-intuitive for many, myself included sometimes, but the grace of accepting a compliment is a valuable skill, IMHO.

    On the flip side of the situation, I myself have dropped 15+ lbs over the past 10 months or so, very slowly, but still noticeable to many who don’t see me often. And because I wasn’t clinically overweight to begin with, I don’t get compliments so much as the backhanded variety. “You look SKINNY.” “You’re looking pretty tiny these days.” ::accompanied by squinty eyes:: That last one was my own mom! Let me qualify this by asserting that I dropped the weight the right way (good eating + Jillian Michaels) and I am still well within a healthy weight range for my height, I’m just not carrying the pizza padding anymore. THAT’s the kind of “compliment” I don’t know how to accept. Or rather, I don’t know how to respond. So far, all I’ve managed is the awkward laugh and maybe a “Thanks?”, extra emphasis on the question mark. Maybe this is fodder for a whole ‘nother discussion, but…well ok I’m done now.

  94. I am guilty of not knowing how to accept a compliment. Whenever I get one I think…hmm, does that mean I looked really terrible before….

    Thank you for this fantastic post. I needed it.

  95. OMG–I totally needed this lesson! I’ve lost 10 pounds, but nowhere near where I thought I’d be by now. However, my shape has totally changed, and firmed up, so I think it must look like I’ve lost more. I have the hardest time accepting a complement because I don’t feel I deserve it yet. I’m getting better at just saying, “Thank you” and trying not to grimace, roll my eyes, or wince when I say it. Thanks for the tips, Miz!

  96. as much as i love doing things for other people, especially in cooking, etc, i usually just go for the “i’m glad you liked it!” i’ll try to add the “thank you” first 🙂

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