Ive judged you.

by

(At the spring kindergarten round-up, post-bus ride & clutching her free chocolate milk)

Oh people.

As the title states: Ive judged you.

And, by way of full disclosure, there’s a pretty good chance Ive mocked you too.

A little to your face (Im upfront like that) & more than a little at home to Ren Man while I furrowed my brow and stated, yet, again, SERIOUSLY? Have they no life??

Let me back up.

We were late to the parenting-game.

It was never in the proverbial plans to have a child starting kindergarten when I was the ripe ole age of 42—but here we are.

Sure there are other women my age with kids starting school, but typically it’s the ‘last of’ situation and not their first and only.

As a result Ive witnessed more first-day-of-kindergarten! with friends than I can count.

It stated when I was 26 or so and continued right up through last year.

I watched my friends (and mere acquaintances) grow sad as the start of school approached and witnessed more than a few cry after their little ones climbed on the school bus for the first time.

And I judged.

I assumed any woman who had a job and/or a life would be happy to procure herself a little alone time.

A chance to pee without tiny eyes prying & providing a running commentary.

An opportunity to eat non-prison style (AKA hunched over my food so the Tornado doesnt steal it), sit for a few moments and just BREATHE.

I mocked the tears (inside where it counts) in the same way I now realize weve all mocked something we didn’t or couldnt yet understand.

I have work (these days thankfully more work than there are hours she will be at the Garten of the Kinder).

Whether I have a life is debatable, but I see this gift of time as an opportunity to perhaps get me one why yes. you MAY read that as the plea for IRL friendship it is.

Still, on this day the Tornado toddles strides off to launch her independence, Im sad.

Im not sure I wanna pee alone.

I fear Ill get me a dog just so I have something at home to stare at me with those you gonna eat that?! eyes as I lunch solo.

In this early morning hour as I get her stuff and my brain ready for the first day of school Im here to admit I judged you and to admit chances are pretty damn good in a few hours I shall join you.

By way of apology I wanna wrap these bleary musings up by proffering an opportunity for you to mock me relentlessly snicker at my expense.

I give you the little somethin’somethin’ I plan to tuck in the Tornado’s lunch today & which I dragged Ren Man out semi-last minute to do.

Please to enjoy.

Dizclaimer: This will not become the kinderchronicles permanently, but it may for the next few weeks.  In addition Id like to claim it was blogging through a veil of tears which resulted in the tootiny photo above—but it is not.  I merely suck at photographs.  Youll have that.

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Comments

  1. Awh Hugs Miz! If it’s any consolation it doesn’t get better. You will 4ever cry those tears inside. My oldest will be a senior in HS tom & I’m fiighting back the tears.

    Toasts you with a glass of choc milk!

  2. Aww. Well, it is what it is and we are who we are. I’ve judged many too. But unlike most, I never cried when I took the kid to daycare/school. I must be abnormal.

  3. My mother used to write silly notes to us on our napkins in our lunchboxes. My daughter LOVES it when she finds a note from me. Love your pictures!

    Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. And, peeing alone is great. You’ll get used to it and learn how to lock the bathroom door.

    Winks & Smiles,
    Wifey

  4. Hugs to you! You will never stop the tears but I have found the tears are good. We are proud of our childrens accomplishments, their ability to handle this point in their little lives and excited to see how they grow from here. You should cry tears of joy for your accomplishments also! You and you hubby got Tornado to this point beautifully. I have three boys, 1 in college and 2 in HS, and I cry tears of joy every year! I may also cry a tear or two for selfish reasons too :)I miss with fonds memeories every stage of their lives. Happy Kindergarten Day!!!!!

  5. I adore you Lady.

    You are so real and honest and make me LONG to have a child.

    Have a great day.

  6. I get this, too, as I am kid-free by choice and always thought women who cried when their children went to school were nuts 🙂

    Thanks for blogging and sharing.

  8. I sent my twins to kindergarten last week and this, Miz, is so true:

    Im not sure I wanna pee alone.

    I fear Ill get me a dog just so I have something at home to stare at me with those you gonna eat that?! eyes as I lunch solo.

    xo xo

  9. It starts with silly pictures and notes in the lunchbox and ends with care packages being mailed away across the state lines.

    Good luck to you! You’ll do fine. and so will she.

  10. As someone without children, I can’t understand what you are going through, Miz. But I do want to send you some love, none the less. And if I were in Austin, we could totally be IRL friends.

  12. Oh, and why do I always imagine you surrounded by love and light and more people than I can count?

    🙂

    I’m confident you have many many IRL friends.

  14. So sweet. A tear to my eye. Life changes every day, every hour, every moment. Capture it, treasure it. Never experienced this since we were not blessed with children, but I’m sure it is a bitter sweet day for you.

  16. I love the photobooth shots.

    I am going to do that today for my daughter.

    First grade tomorrow!!

  18. Take lots of pictures! It’s amazing to look back at the first day of kindergarten pictures when the kid gets older. I just sent mine off to his first day of seventh grade with a check for the school cafeteria, a charged-up cellphone and an admonition to use the zit gel in the mornings, too. (This whole childhood thing goes by REALLY fast.)

    I was 41 when Andrew started kindergarten, so I know your situation. Biggest upside: Having a kid in elementary school will keep you younger longer. Soak up the quiet time, then get yourself a dog — they make great (albeit lazy) personal assistants for us work-at-home types.

  19. 44 year old with a girls starting kindergarten today, too.

    WE GOT THIS MIZ!!!!

    I love the way you parent.

  20. Every new stage in our children’s lives is a new phase for us parents. She’s not moving out to college tomorrow. She still needs you. And I KNOW she will talk non-stop as soon as she gets home today to make up for any quietness that you experience during her absence. (Just because Tornado and Ladybug are peas in a pod!). Enjoy your day and be ready with open arms this afternoon 🙂

  21. I’ve read your blog since the start and you’ve raised on confident Tornado.

    She will rock kindergarten.

  23. Embrace the sadness and feel it and you will find joy on the other side.

    Happy 1st Day!

  24. Carla, I have never had this BUT I have heard from others. I LOVE that you feel this way & write about it. Shows all the love & I bet Tornado is gonna love seeing that pic when she opens her lunch!

    You know, it is not just women & kindergarten. A guy who I work out with keeps getting to the gym earlier & I asked him if it was stress & no sleep. Yes, he said but also that his boys are in high school now & they are not as close anymore & it hurts.. so men have the feelings too!

    You are not alone!

    HUGS!!!!!

  25. Awww… the Tornado is SO lucky to have such awesome parents.

    Interesting–As an extremely judgmental person myself, the starting-school blues is not one I ever felt judgmental about. I have such awe and respect for parents that whatever mental states accompany the journey seem justified and require no explanation.

    Hope, though, that it gets better as you get used to it!

  26. quick peek in from smart phone. HILARIOUS morning here. The outfit she donned made me giggle. Ren Man insists we not let her go to school in it (I think the words not on the first day & save her from herself may have been uttered).

    And lest you think we are tempted to squelch her individuality she put on something she stole from my desk that id been sent to review 🙂

    Protein pancakes time….

  27. The day I SIGNED UP my child for Kindergarten I shed some tears in the car. I want them all to stay small forever, but I know that can’t be, so when these milestones come up, I do shed some tears because it just goes by too darn fast!

  28. Sending you a big old {{hug}} on this bittersweet and exciting day 🙂 While you’re lunching solo, know you’re not alone. You’ve got all of us wanting to know what you’re eating! LOL Love ya, my friend.

  32. This kind of tugged at the heartstrings! Let yourself wallow a bit…it’s ok to be sad. As a former kindergarten teacher, I can tell you that there’s a very good chance that your little one will come back with a carefully (or not so carefully) crafted masterpiece for you! I’m absolutely guilty of judging parents without having kids of my own. I’m more than ready to make public apologies for judging people for the following: letting their kids have tantrums in public, letting their kids run around the restaurant, buying stuff for their kids when they cry. I’m almost certain that I’ll do all of those things at least once if and when I’m ever blessed with a child of my own.

  33. momma you will be aokay, i love the pics, so something i would do. and if you need someone to be there while you pee or try and steal your food, im a goo friend like that!

  34. “Im not sure I wanna pee alone.”
    that cracked me up!

    I was late to the parenting game, too, and my son will start kindergarten next year when I’m 42. I mocked out on friends and relatives before I understood what this whole parenting thing is all about. Becoming a mom has made me way less judgmental and mocky!

    Hang tough! You’ll start to want to pee alone, I’m sure!

  36. Oh Miz! Every milestone is so poignant isn’t it? While I can relate on some level to this (2 kindergartners down, 2 to go), I can’t fully appreciate it because I haven’t put my last kid on that kindy bus yet. I tell myself that I will feel completely free at that point (like 4 years down the road…) but I’ll probably be crying too. Thank you for sharing this and all the BIGlittle moments with us:)
    P.S. I bet Tornado was soooo thrilled to go today! And you have done a great job preparing her!

  37. I don’t have children, but my baby brother came along when I was 20 years old. I remember his first day of school. He seemed way to young, too small to be sending out into the big bad world. Hard to believe he’s all growed up now.

    Love the photos! Hang in there. 🙂

  38. I’m glad she is so excited about starting Kindergarten and that she leaped on the bus!!!! I remember the teenager did the exact same thing! And I was so excited for him and that he was such an incredible, independent, self-assured little person (I was sooo the opposite of that when I was little!). But I was also sooooo sad. As I said before, starting Kindergarten was the biggest milestone in his life for me. Really nothing can compare. But you’ll get used to it faster than you think! 🙂

  39. Oh, Mama.

    My sweet boy keeps reminding me that he turns 13 in a month. What?? Teen????

    I think that will hit me as hard as his first day in K-garten.

    I will survive. You will survive. They will survive.

    (did I plant a song seed in your head?)

  42. Ah Carla…I, too, have judged and even though I STILL don’t have (my own) kids, I understand much better now…and can relate in some weird way. My step kids are grown…and now I have a grandson. And so I have a front row seat to all of it… 🙂

  43. I would think the same thing (happy for a little extra time), but I can definitely see the other side. I hope you both have a wonderful day!!! 🙂

  45. Instead of snickering at you, is it okay if I sniffle with you a little instead? My heart hurts for you a little, because it’s just an emotional thing to experience. But then, my heart’s happy for you too, because you don’t ever have this feeling if you haven’t had all the beautiful parent-joy already. And you’re a great mom at any age.

    You’re right, it can’t be understood until it’s experienced, and it makes no sense, and it’s impossible to explain. My littlest just started middle school…but it doesn’t seem to get any easier.

    There’s a reason for the term “bittersweet” and this is it. Many hugs. 🙂

  48. I still tear up and get the “don’t make this hard for me” everytime she visits from college and leaves again. Never stops….. and to pee alone is a wondrous thing though the cat visits the throne room now.

  49. Sometimes I think the things we are most judgiest (what? it’s a word!) about are the very things that turn around and hit us the hardest. You’ll get through this – and next year, you will join the other moms in doing the happy dance on the first day of school. But this year? Yeah. Wistful time…

  51. So feel ya, Miz! My oldest is a senior this year, as well, and it is just bringing back all those memories/feelings/sad weepings from when he was starting kindy. If I could just rewind …oh, I don’t know, even just 2 or 3 years. Just not yet. I’m not ready yet. Not yet.

    So exactly how I felt back then…

    *epic sigh*

  53. You are a compassionate person. Good for you for “getting it”……….letting go of our darlings can be so mixed.

  54. The first time it’s sad, the second time it’s strange but by the time day twelve and thirteen roll around, I was certainly doing the little happy dance as I put the baby down for her nap, picked up a book and enjoyed quiet. Last year was my oldest daughter’s first year of kindergarten (still half days here). It was hard at first, but I really did come to enjoy it. I do think it will be hard when she goes full days next year and I don’t even want to think about when my now 1 year old goes full days (as kindergarten will be by the time she’s there).
    After devoting so much of our lives to being with them ALL THE TIME, it takes a while to adjust to time to ourselves!

  55. I’m guessing she’s in all day kindergarten if she has lunch. We didn’t have that option way back when mine went, so maybe my adjustment was not so great. I was one of those moms very happy to have more free time to myself. But then I’d run errands alone and miss the little warm hand in mine as I crossed the parking lot. Today, my baby is having his first day of college classes! I laughed aloud when I read his facebook status addressed to my husband and me that he was in fact up and would be at class on time:)

  59. Aw Miz, my heart aches for you! I understand completely. My youngest started first grade this year and it took me aback when I realized that I no longer have a wee one in the “little kids” building (prek and kindergarten). It goes so fast, much faster than I ever could have imagined, but you are so good at appreciating every moment with your Tornado. You will be fine. My advice? Go make some IRL friends!! (you’ve got one here in Oklahoma if you ever make it up here to meet me!) 🙂

  61. Oh my goodness those pictures are priceless.

    You have to share what she thought of them!!

  62. My feel your tears, my friend. It does/will get a little easier, but as those Tornado milestones approach (any kinda shes-growing-up-before-my-very-eyes milestone), the tears start to well up again. It’s okay. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now.

  64. I for one have enjoyed the kinder chronicles. Since we homeschool and my little ones aren’t going off anywhere, it’s interesting to see. I think I’d be one of those sobbing moms 😉

  66. I’m sending you a big hug. I am a late bloomer as well. I said before, my baby is 14 and going to high school. We still pee with the door open. Now she is encouraging me. We’re used to hanging out together. I had to force her to go out with her friends. High school? How did that happen? I enjoy every age.

  67. Hi Miz, Long time.

    I really like this post. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have had with people who judge others based on their lack of experience. Usually it’s about kids and how to discipline them.

    Recently it has been about people criticizing the unemployed as a bunch of lazy people on the dole, as though that’s a good place to be.

    We all need to have a little humility and understand just how lucky we are to be living in this amazing country in these amazing times and not presume to know what others are going through.

    Thanks for the reminder.

    BTW, I finally identified myself on e4e. I had blogged anonymously for a long time, but decided to come into the light.

    Cheers,
    Tony

  69. Thought about you yesterday when I saw a woman saying goodbye to her baby at the bus stop. Child was skipping onto the bus with her friend; Mom was sobbing her eyes out. 🙂 Better that way, I think, than the other way round.

  70. So I’m replying a day afterward and now we know that she LOVED school and LOVED the bus and that life is good in Miz land! 🙂 Am I the oldest one here at 53? My one and only child, my son, is now 25 and off beginning a wonderful life for himself in New York City. We had magical adventures as he grew up in a single parent home and we still do. He called today to share his joy of being able to photograph an ESPN event at Citi Field (NY Mets) because he knew I’d “get it” and be excited for him. I did and was! He said he’d call tomorrow to tell me all about it. And, Miz, that’s how it will be your whole life with the Tornado, too. You two are joined at the hip, Mama… she’ll want to share her excitement for life with you – her confidante. And you’ll smile from the inside out because you “get it” and love her, bad 1st day clothing choices and all! 😉
    xo
    Jan

  71. HUGS!!!

    That is a great lunch box surprise. 🙂

    As a mother of two (10 and 3) I know how you feel about the crying, the judging, the apologizing and the desire for alone time clashing with the need to keep them close.

    I grit my teeth many mornings counting down the minutes until it’s time to drop them off, then as soon as I’m in the car solo, I feel the tears well up because I miss them already.

    I think that is the war that mothers wage inside themselves from the second they realize they are “with child” until…eternity.

    Welcome to our club…

  75. What a tear-jerking look into my future 5 years from now. Do get a dog. The companionship is priceless. And if it’s any consolation, I will be 45-46 on our son’s first day of kindergarten. *shudders*

  77. Heh, I DID get a puppy when my little girl went to kindergarten! I couldn’t BEAR to be home alone. I am super happy I have this dog now because the Little Girl starts ffirst grade shortly, and I would just die if I didn’t have those puppy eyes watching me!

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