Quality versus Quantity (The All-you-Can-Eat Buffet myth)

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Please welcome Jenn and her response to my musings on Quality vs Quantity.

While I’d thought she & I approach motherhood differently, after reading her post I’ve realized we are not as different as I’d initially surmised.

 

“You’re never home!”

As a full-time working mom who is building a business on the side, these painful words hit me like acid rain.

They were hurled by my indignant 11-year old when I told her I would be gone one evening to showcase my health coaching business at a women’s networking event.

Whether you travel for your career, work full-time, or are trying to build your dream business, these words can make you feel like the worst mom in the world.

They can also make you pause to reflect on whether you choose quantity or quality time with your family.

This post is a response to Carla Birnberg’s declaration that she chooses quantity parenting over quality.

While I applaud her courage, I do not want to be in her shoes.

When it comes to food, I am a big advocate of quantity.

As a weight loss coach, I have made a science of teaching women how to fill up their plate without gaining weight.

The more you eat, the less hungry you are, right?

This may be hard to believe, but I used to love all-you-can-eat buffets.

As a child, we would meet Grandma Arndt at the local Old Country buffet for Sunday brunch after church. When I was older, my friends would frequent the Golden Corral in our town for some late-night eats. My more grown-up tastes led to Mongolian or Cantonese-type grill buffets.

I refuse to be the all-you-can-eat buffet to my kids’ needs.

Do you feel like salad today, or maybe a steak? Really, I just want to skip to dessert.

I am not everything to my kids. And, that’s fine by me.

When it comes to parenting, I am all about quality. This was a legacy passed down to me by my own parents that I freely give to my own children.

I may not be there for every single defining moment of their childhood, but I focus on them when I am there.

My children may not agree with my decision, but they understand it.

The same daughter who complained about my absenteeism said once, “Ma, you were MISERABLE as a stay-at-home mom”.

She is absolutely right!

While I cherished the extra-special unsung moments of spending our entire day together, I cursed the unerring drudgery. Here is the paradox I found with quantity.

The more choices you have, the less you end up doing.

While a buffet might have over 50 different choices, you probably only eat 2 or 3 of them. When I stayed home all day, I was so paralyzed by the options that I found myself getting frustrated.

I suddenly went from having 2 hours of time with my kids to having 24 hours of time. Sadly, I didn’t know how to fill that time with activities or events so we could all flourish.

I made a go of it for a while. But, it was not meant to be.

In my case, the less time I spend with my girls, the more I focus on what they need. When I spend a whole day with them, I find myself multi-tasking my way out of any engagement. I struggle to focus.

My children need my attention, even if it is just one minute at a time. I am happy to say that my younger daughter no longer tells me “Mama, put your phone down”.

My work does not interfere with my family. It allows me to be the best I can be when I am with my family.

Whether you are a working mom by choice or by necessity, it’s ok to choose quality over quantity.

Yes, you are a mom. But, you are also a woman, a wage-earner, daughter, a wife, and a dreamer. You have ambitions and goals that existed before your children were born, and will continue to exist after your children leave the house.

A home is not just a space, but a place in your heart.

Your heart is always at home with your children.

 

Jenn is a former fat girl who helps working women achieve weight bliss through health coaching and speaking. She can be found dancing with her daughters in her living room, cooking it up in the kitchen, and speaking at events.

Get her tips for weight loss and more at her blog.

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Comments

  1. I love this perspective! I’m a stay-at-home mom who is also an athlete and freelance writer and fitness class teacher!! I definitely fill my time with lots of stuff for ME but always have options with the kids. Some days I love it and other days…
    The quote “The more choices you have, the less you end up doing.” YES!!!
    Thank you for sharing this with us today. Every little bit helps!

    • I love this as well.
      I haven’t yet stuck any kind of balance, but I’ve lost the guilt for sure.

    • Thanks, Allie. There is so much we do well as moms, but the elusive balance is tough! I’m glad you are working on you while still enjoying the beauty of family.

  2. As a new SAHM transitioning from corporate world to mommy world I TOTALLY RELATE WITH THIS and this is a conversation my hubby and I have quite often…trying to find balance between being home, working for my sanity, feeling fulfilled as a woman/mom/wife…it is so tricky!!!

  6. This is a great perspective, and as my kids grow (now 4, 6, 7) I realize how much the quality matters. While the baby phase did demand a ton of quantity and I felt that was best, my views and their needs are shifting and I find myself focusing much more on the quality of our interactions.

  7. The hardest thing I ever did was go back to work full time (Hubby wasn’t working-but refused to be the stay at home ‘dad’…that’s a whole different story) as I had the career and paid the mortgage, when my daughter was just weeks old. It was horrible. She had been in ICU for a month, wasn’t eating well and I felt so guilty for leaving her! But I had no family in town and no other options. I still apologize to her for this…she doesn’t remember of course, but I envied those who could stay home those first couple of years with their little ones. When I got home I tried to make up for that lost time during the day with QUALITY time…it was all I had.

  8. Excellent points. My work did interfere with my ability to be “there” for my kids — sometimes. But other times it gave me the flexibility to attend mid-day programs, chaperon field trips, and volunteer at sports events. When you say that you “aren’t everything” to your kids, I think that touches on a part of the “discussion” that has been missing. When my kids were little, they had fantastic daycare and preschool teachers who had more patience, creativity and energy than I did. When my kids were in school, my husband had the after-school shift, and they all benefited from that time together. I think it’s very important who your kids spend time with, but it doesn’t have to be Mom, and it isn’t necessarily better for it to be Mom.

    • That’s a very insightful response, Coco. We want to be there for our kids as much as possible, but it’s just as important for our kids to enjoy perspectives beyond their moms. It takes a village, right?

  9. My reasons for having less time with my kids are different – they are teenagers so they are super busy. Because of that I try to get my work done while they are at school (not always possible) so that I can be fully present when they come home. Some days I can devote all the time that they can (minus homework and stuff….) and other days I only have an hour – either way I try to make that their time!!!

  10. There have been seasons in my life where i gave my kids quantity, and seasons where it’s been quality because there was so much going on, as in so many things in life you have to do what best fits you, your child(ren), and your family at that time and stage of life.

  11. I work part-time, so I’m home a lot with my son. This post really resonated with me, because it’s hard to be “on” for a long period of time every day. I think (hope) I nail the quality aspect of being a mama, but of course there are always days when I haven’t been fully present. I’m also going to share this with a couple of my girlfriends who work full-time, who I know would relate to this perspective.

    • I appreciate your shares, Carly. Sometimes I feel that working PT is more challenging than FT! You often end up doing so much more work- especially at home.

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