Loneliness vs Aloneness (guest post).

by

deb

I’ve long been a fan of Carla’s ponderings, often bookmarking them for more consideration.

I was away from home and my computer when I saw her I’m lonely post, so tweeted her to say I’d comment later.

I also added.

I often feel alone rather than lonely.

It started a Twitter-enforced 140 character conversation about the difference between the two, which proved somewhat difficult. Hence, this post.

(Carla note: There’s also the fact I begged for the post.  I love Deborah’s writing.)

One of my favourite authors, Anita Brookner , first caused me to ponder the difference between aloneness and loneliness. She writes about both. Beautifully.

I’ve been single for my entire adult life. Despite several solo attempts, I’m also childless. And I’ve basically lived by myself for 23-24 years.

As I’m sure you can imagine—I’m very much used to solitude.

But do I get lonely?

Nope. Never, well… rarely.

I’m fairly sure it’s partially because I’m an introvert.

My personality test results surprise many who know me superficially because I can be loud. I can appear confident. I’m fine in groups. I’m a former diplomat and I know how to schmooze. Plus, I can talk the legs off a… whatever one talks the legs off.

But I much prefer to be alone.

Like all good introverts I draw energy and nourishment from within.

Before my seachange two years ago I worked in roles requiring much liaising and networking. My work days were busy and sociable. As a result, my nights, weekends and holidays were spent bunkered down in my apartment. Alone.

I’d occasionally catch up with friends or extended family, but it wasn’t uncommon that I’d not see / speak to another person all weekend (made even easier of course with the advent of self-service at the library and supermarket!).

I think Carla’s post was spot-on in drawing connections between loneliness and boredom; and between loneliness and habit.

I’ve always been able to entertain myself with minimal effort and resources. Whether it’s a good thing or not, I spend a lot of time in my own head.

Even as a teenager when home from University my BFF next door would be bored and itching to do things while I was happy to lie around and read: happy with my own company.

 I like my alone time. I appreciate my alone time. I need my alone time.

Like I said, I rarely feel lonely. Particularly in this day and age where we have a world at our fingertips. Friends contactable by email, virtual buddies on social media.

What I do feel sometimes however, is alone.

Carla’s post provided a definition of loneliness as: a lack of rewarding social interactions. She reminded us that loneliness is a feeling not fact.

Rationally I know that, conversely, aloneness is not a feeling. It’s a fact. It’s easily measurable—multiple personality disorders and invisible friends aside.

Being ‘alone’ is not a feeling. Until it is.

For me it’s not about needing others around me. Being alone is very different to feeling alone. Aloneness is about feeling isolated—mentally, intellectually and emotionally. A lack of connectedness perhaps?

Like I said, I find much of the nourishment I need from within, restored by watching television, reading (a lot) and engaging with others on social media, and a few friends in real life.

However, there are times when I need to feel more connected or grounded and remind myself that I’m not ‘alone’.

Sometimes it’s about finding my tribe—people with similar interests or passions. Last year I came away from a book blogging forum awakened from my life-sucks malaise. Other times it’s about the mundane and I’ll gatecrash my friend’s 3yr old’s swimming lesson for a dose of normality. 

The trick of course—and something I’m yet to master—is to be more proactive in making the necessary connections, not allowing myself to become isolated and alone.

And then of course there’s the balance between pushing others away to give me space, but still on hand when I need them.

Fortunately I’ve surrounded myself with a close-knit group of friends and family who know me well. They ‘get’ my need for alone-time, but will occasionally intervene if they think I’ve had too much of it!

  • Do you agree that we can ‘feel’ alone, not just be alone?
    Do you ever get a sense of aloneness?

 

Deborah is a 40-something Australian blogger currently in the midst of setting up a freelance writing business. She blogs at Debbish  about books, not-dieting and life in general.

 

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Comments

  1. I really love how you use the word proactive.
    I only start to try to connect when I feel alone.

  2. I struggle with this because I do think I am happy with my own company and I still feel alone at times.

  3. I too value my alone time and am perfectly content to sit quietly and read. Of course with 6 year-old twins and a husband who works from home, this is hard to come by. I often skip social things on the weekends to just be alone…and there is of course my passion, running, which I spend hours doing all by myself.
    Excellent post and so interesting. I’ll be bookmarking this one myself…

  4. Hmm. I don’t know there is a difference at all for me. I think I feel post loneliness and being alone in the same fashion?

  5. I read Carla’s post and since then I’ve thought about my hobbies and passions and I do think many of them make me feel alone.
    I spend so much time with my kids I like that feeling.

  6. I can completely relate to this. I am late to understanding that I am an introvert but now that I get it, I really fight to clear alone space for myself. During the school year, I get that time b/c I work from home and the kids/husband are away. During the summer, it’s hard to come by and that’s hard for me!

    • I’m the same if I’m around too many people too much. I get a bit like that when at my bro’s and SIL’s for family christmases. I retreat to my bedroom a bit to be alone with my thoughts.

    • Thank you for putting into words what I’ve been struggling to explain to my husband.
      He is definitely an extrovert and doesn’t (didn’t?) understand.
      I’m sending this to him, too.

  10. I definitely understand the difference. I love my alone time and I actually feel more invigorated by it than time spent with others. When I start to feel alone, I hang out with other people, but I have to do it much less frequently than an extrovert would.

    As an addict, however, too much time alone is dangerous for me. My thinking can easily become skewed and unless I have another real person to bounce my thoughts off of, I can quickly find myself in a place that is detrimental to me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s a fine balance between the time I need for myself and the time I need with others. Thanks for the post!

    • I’m the same Erin and—as I said—I’m still working on that balance. As I’ve been working from home I spend more time alone than I normally would… (ie. almost all of it) so I really have to force myself to get out and do stuff!

  11. So interesting. I am also an introvert and draw energy from being alone, but I definitely need time with people to feel connected. Sometimes I have a difficult time discerning if I need alone time or time with people – it can be a fine balance.
    Love that you shared this, it’s good to hear from people who don’t necessarily follow the “norm” (in this case of being lonely when alone).

  12. I love lots of alone time, but I need to make the effort to forge friendship connections so they are there when I want them.
    It’s a hard balance.

    • I used to fantasise a bit about that kind of lifestyle Mimi, but I think in reality I’d crave the company of others eventually and I’m not sure email or online options would suffice!

      Deb

  15. i can definitely relate to this. I thrive off solitude time. Not feeling lonely. But i do enjoy to be social for the connection. So i’d say i’m a little bit of both, but definitely need the alone time. Daily if i can.

  16. I won’t surround myself with just “anyone” if I feel the need to be with people. I am happiest with my spouse, daughter, or a few close friends. I like “watching” others in crowds, but prefer to not be smack dab in the middle of them, attention focused on myself. Which is why I prefer smaller race venues and trail runs-of just riding with one or two other people or running or swimming by myself. I am often alone- by choice. I only feel alone when with other people and I am being “ignored” or don’t feel part of the “group” for whatever reason. I usually don’t let it bother me. We will leave this world alone-no matter how many people you have surrounding you. Most times my motto is “hell is other people”- who said that????

    • I’m a crowd-watcher too Cherylann but also surround myself only with a small group of close friends.

      I have other friends who have vast groups of close friendships and they’re constantly catching up with them. That would drive me bonkers… I’m far happier with a more intimate group of close friends. (Oh, and the entire universe with whom I share my innermost thoughts via my blog!) 🙁

  17. I love Carla’s post on this topic, and yours too. I’m so used to being alone it doesn’t phase me… and then I met Vegas. The moment she’s not around I’m a little lonely. It shocked me! I still value some solitude… but I’ve definitely branched out for the better.

  18. I love the way you explained the difference between being alone and feeling alone. Now that my boys are in school all day and I’m self-employed I spend lots of time alone. Most of the time I’m OK with it but occasionally I feel like it is too much alone time. So many of the people I know all work during the day and in the evenings everyone is busy. Plus, then I want to spend time with my family – it is a fine line between all of it!!!

    • Indeed and I’m glad the post made sense. That need for (and sense of) connections / connectedness was a bit hard to describe!

      Deb

  19. Sometimes I feel lonely even when I am with others, if they are not my kind of people or we aren’t connecting. I really like to be alone too. Sometimes it is hard to find the right balance.

  20. YESSS There is such a difference!! I work from home and we move a lot so I am alone a lot and for the most part never mind. But occasionally I will have moments of sincere loneliness and that’s when I know my introverted ways have led to too much time alone.

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