The harshest judgement (guest post)

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Please welcome Coco. I’ve known her for what feels like an eternity. I’ve admired her for just as long. I’m always always learning from her & I’m grateful for the post below.

When I saw Carla’s post confessing how she’s judged others before walking in their shoes, it made me think about how I judge others.

With Lent approaching, I thought it would be a good practice to notice when I judge others, catch myself, and figure out where the judgment was coming from.

Don’t all good Christians get inspiration for their Lenten practice from their favorite Jewish friends? 😉

Overall, I learned that I am not a very judgmental person. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, although I am least kind in traffic.

Cut me off in traffic? Are you blind? Maybe you didn’t see me.

Try to jump the merge line? Do you think you’re in more of a hurry than everyone else? Maybe you just realized that you need to be in this lane.

I did catch myself telling myself that I was “better” than someone else in a professional situation. In my defense, the person definitely acted like he was superior to me when I was just starting out, but that’s no reason to put him down now.

The judgment I’m more ashamed of was my reaction to a picture in my Facebook feed. A very overweight person was celebrating a 5K by enjoying some calorie-laden food offered at the finish line. I can’t even remember what it was, but I do remember thinking “No wonder s/he is overweight.”

In Carla’s post, she wrote that judging a person is more about you than about them, and that definitely was true for me in that moment.

I still have issues about “deserving” to eat certain foods and having to “earn” indulgent treats. I think my anger over all the years I ate to excess without fully knowing what I was doing to myself made me think, “Do you know you’d have to run five 5k’s to burn off all those calories?!”

Please don’t judge me for passing judgment here.

I immediately knew how wrong my reaction was and kept my ugly thoughts to myself. I think the anonymity of the post (I didn’t know the person) made it even easier for me to project my own issues onto the situation.

What surprised me the most is how often I found myself judging myself as a mother.

Although my kids are grown, a lot of parenting articles make their way into my Facebook feed, I guess because many of my friends have kids and are liking and sharing those articles.

I found myself comparing my mothering to the advice du jour, wondering if that approach might have worked with my kids, and feeling regret over what I did “wrong.”

I had gotten pretty harsh on myself before I realized that I was judging myself, and that I deserved as much compassion as I was practicing towards others.

After I took a step back, I could see that I honestly did my best when I was making the parenting choices I made, even if I might make different choices if I had it to do all over again.

I was still processing all this when I saw the “World’s Okayest Mom” teaser for the #WYCWYC podcast. That picture made me smile, and helped me see my parenting from the #wycwyc perspective.

I had done what I could when I could, and what I did was good enough.

My kids are on the verge of graduating from college (knock-on-wood) and while we don’t have the closest relationships, they know we love them and can count on us whenever they need anything.

The fantasy world of Facebook makes me want much more, but in the reality of our lives, I know that what we have is pretty darn good.

So, what did I learn from all this focus on judgment?

When I judge others, it usually is a defense mechanism or me projecting my insecurities onto someone else.

When I judge myself, if I filter my “fault” through the #wycwyc lens, I can either do something about it (if I haven’t been doing what I can) or accept it as good enough (if I have).

Oh, and I probably spend too much time on Facebook.

 

Coco is a 40-something wife, mother (empty-nester), attorney, and runner who blogs at Running With Perseverance.

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Comments

  1. I can entirely relate to this piece, Coco.
    I am very kind to others and always judge myself.

    • I wonder if we judged ourselves less as parents before social media?
      I find I blame it when I judge me, but after your post I wonder if there was just something else before?

      • I think the “perfect” images are more in our face (no pun intended!) so maybe it’s more frequent. And, we are seeing an edited version, not the scenes from real life with the kid having a melt-down at the grocery store …

  3. I can get really caught up on facebook and the appearance I am doing nothing right in comparison to other moms and women.
    I need to remember what you say about the “reality of my life” too.

  4. I pretty much ignore most things on Facebook these days.
    None of it is what it seems. First step to losing judgment.

  5. Great read! As much as I wish I didn’t judge, I do. But I do try to do better, as well, and this post is a great reminder to keep at it, every single day.

  6. I still harbor some guilt from being a “bad” mom- but situations were not in my control. I had to work because her dad did not (chose not to?), so I had my kid in childcare from the time she was very little. It killed me-was the hardest thing I ever did, and still think that I was horrible for having to put her in the hands of complete strangers while I worked. She tells me she’s fine and it made her into the strong 28 year old she is today….
    So yeah I judge the moms who drop their kids off at our preschool and leave them there for 8 to 10 hours because “they have things to do” (SAHMs)-they actually say this…and add “she (he) is still not feeling well, but I need to XYZ.” WHAT? I would have given my eye teeth to spend time with my three/four year old on a daily basis. I resent the moms who claim to be so busy they can’t pack their kids a healthy snack, dress them properly for school, or brush their hair for Pete’s sake. I resent the “parents” who take advantage of childcare while they go to the gym, shop, or sit at home and take drugs so that their kids have to be taken from them and put in foster care. These situations have very little to do with me except for the fact that I relished all time that I had with my kid when she was little, because it was too little time. Some parents aren’t meant to be just that…parents. So yes, I will judge them! (and not feel the least bit guilty about it!)

  7. Good words. That judgement piece can be tricky…both when judging and being judged. I have gotten some pretty awful comments when sharing my story of addiction and I constantly have to remind myself that this is a reflection of THEM and I am not a bad person. It’s been hard to remember but what is harder for me is my own side of the street.

    I need to remember that I have no idea where people are coming from or what has happened in their lives to bring them where they are today. I too can be quick to judge and need to remember that everyone is on their own journey and I really just need to worry about myself.

    One of my mantras is “comparison is the thief of joy” and I find that no matter whether I am judging myself as better or worse than someone, both are because I am not happy with who I am as a person.

    • Great points! I’ve thought of that “comparison” quote in terms of fitness goals, but of course it makes sense for everything else.

  8. Wise words… I don’t think I judge myself as much as I judge others. I do a lot of head shaking when I read FB (and spend way too much time on there myself). And a lot of reminding myself that social media isn’t reality.

    I’m good with the World’s Okayest Mom. I love that in fact.

  9. You bring to light what many of us think . The key here is catching yourself in the act. Sometimes writing down a reminder or thinking about catching those nasty thoughts first thing in the morning is the best way for me. Great read!

  11. Oh, how exciting to see Coco here!! Yes, she really does have a lot of wisdom!!! I work a lot on the judging thing – I’m quick to make snap judgements in my head but I’m trying to take the approach of realizing that I don’t know the whole story.

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