G-d gives us opportunities

by

austin airport

I know it seems as though I share everything here—but I really don’t.

I over-share about myself because those are my stories to tell.

When it comes to the child’s experiences it’s always been different.

She and I have many conversations where I say: Oh, Id love to write about this—would you mind?

Sometimes I get a yes.

Other times I get a no.

And still other times she says you can BUT and she provides me parameters and tells me what I need to change to make sharing OK.

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this had very few parameters.

Recently she’s slept in bed with me.

A lot.

As you parent-types know this is an easy trap to fall into when you’re a single parent or have a partner who travels much of the time.

Right or wrong it’s just happened (you know me, I’m comfy with my decisions feel free to judge away).

I’ve chosen to tell myself the same thing I’ve told friends when they’d share fears about children still being in diapers or still toting around a “lovey”: eventually she will grow out of this.

Did I mention she doesn’t want to go to sleepovers?

Emphasis on the word go as she loves to host them–she’s just not a fan of the “sleeping other places.”

She’s aware she’s a poor sleeper.

She knows she’s always awake before everyone else.

And, even though she brings an iPad loaded with books and a favorite white noise app (along with melatonin and an eye mask), Id imagine the awareness lends an extra layer of:

“Eh. Why bother. I love playing at my friends’ houses, heading home and sleeping in my own bed!”

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she knows what relaxes her and right now it’s home.

Quite frankly at nine I can’t really blame her.

Sleepovers really do seem an odd construct when you know you can sleep where you’re comfy and see your friends the next day if you want.

There’s no sense of urgency.

Or there wasn’t until we went to Chicago to visit a beloved cousin of hers.

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She adores him.

He’s a fantastic brother-cousin to her in return.

She really, really wanted to sleepover at his house.

She asked. We talked it over. I watched as she weighed the pros and, in her mind, the many many cons.

She thought it sounded unbelievably fun. She considered how it would feel inside if she changed her mind mid-sleepover and asked to be brought to the hotel.

She decided she could do it.

And she did.

Typing it out makes it all sound easy–yet isn’t wasn’t easy to her.

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cupcake batter consuming with cousin? easy.

To channel James Harrison:

We could have given her a trophy because we knew someday she’d do a sleepover—but that wouldn’t have given her any real confidence or self-esteem.

Nothing fosters confidence like making it through something you’d thought you couldn’t.

She met us in the lobby the next morning utterly exhausted and completely proud.

“I missed you but I did it!!” She told me.

The entire scenario reminded me of a scene from Evan Almighty which I refer back to often in my own life.

I cannot give her courage (or confidence or grit or anything). As a parent all I can do is provide her opportunities to prove to herself how ____ she already is.

Watching her prove to herself how brave I already knew she was reminded me about moving though my days seeking opportunities to grow.

I’m confident my second life will be filled with them because I’m choosing, as she did, to see how the benefits outweigh the inevitable growing pains.

I’m choosing opportunity.  I’m choosing to be part of the effort.

Nine did it.

I know I can.

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Comments

  2. Carla, I cannot get enough of your posts like this. She is seriously the most beautiful individual (and its no wonder why with you as a mother). This was so lovely to read, thank you to you and her for allowing us to enjoy it.

    As for the bad sleeper thing, I always have been also, and I dreaded it…what I would do for 3 hours while the others slept in. It is tough when you dont sleep well in other places, but she chose a moment it was worth risking, and I loved reading that 🙂

  5. I had never seen that movie before and I absolutely love that clip! I’ll be thinking about that on my run today 🙂
    Also, I had a lot of the same sleepover struggles at 7,8,9, etc… The most important thing for me was knowing my mom would have come to get me, anytime, day or night 😉

  6. We don’t want our kids to “fail” but if we don’t let them take “risks” they never will realize how capable they are.

  7. I don’t have any kids, but my mother was definitely the protective “mother bear” type. When she gave me opportunities of independence I was sometimes scared but always grateful in the end.

  8. You (and she, obviously) rock. This is the perfect approach to parenting and allowing your child to grow.
    But you can’t come to Chicago and not see me. That is not ok.

  9. What a powerful post! I love your approach. You know I used to think about all the things I can’t do and it trapped me in my life. After losing so much weight years ago, I finally realized I am capable of doing anything I want. It’s all about being brave enough to put yourself out there!

  10. I feel like this post just kicked me in the stomach. I’ve been struggling a lot lately, struggling to understand why I’m where I am right now and what I’m supposed to do to improve things. One of my problems has been that I really expected recent changes to improve things and they’ve made things worse. I’ve been thinking, why when I ask for things to change in certain ways do they change in exactly the opposite way? And I think this may be exactly it. I’m being given the opportunity to change it myself, and I’m not rising to the challenge. And I’m being shown that this is a change that has to come from within.

    None of that really helps me figure how *how* to change it, but it certainly takes away the, “Why, God?” aspect of it all.

    How you do make me think!

  11. I adore this post Carla and it’s so very true – both for my kids and for me – that we can’t really develop confidence or self-esteem until we’ve made it through something we never thought we could. And it is those opportunities that matter. I need to make sure I find more of those for my kids

  13. best scene from evan almighty. and yes, so true. You do this so well.. you step back and allow her to build her own confidence. But still supporting. YOu are my momma inspiration.

  22. We went through the same issues with my daughter who is now (23). We even had a code word that meant, “Mom, please come pick me up! Please, please, please.” She even slept with me even into her teenage years. Being able to know that she had that safe place to learn gave her the confidence to try things she normally wouldn’t have. Today she is an extremely capable, independent woman. It’s an amazing thing to witness.

  23. I think one of the hardest jobs in parenting is learning NOT to push our children but let them grow and branch out at their own speed. Nine is lucky she has a mom who understands this.
    The most difficult conversation I ever had with both or our kids was about them learning to be comfortable in their own skins – being happy NOT doing things because all their friends did them, when clearly they would not enjoy it.
    It is most definitely about seeing the opportunities placed before us.
    What a wonderful post.

  25. So fun to be taken back to my son’s first sleepover—he made it through too thanks to the mom on the other end who knew just how to keep him busy and comfortable. What would we do without each other? Fun post!

  26. I still don’t like sleeping other places than my own bed. I’m like her, have fun and then go home and sleep. I’m not a good sleeper either… wonder if there’s a connection?

  27. My daughter was never a big sleepover fan either. She always would choose to sleep in her own bed if she could. Though she never slept in my bed, I did worry about whether she had a sense of adventure or confidence.

    Now at 25 she travels all over the world for her job, and does just fine. We need to guide our kids but need to also listen to their needs.

  28. This is so great and so relatable as an adult. We are reminded by our children’s fears not to push but to let them transition and to try something difficult when they feel ready. Wonderfully expressed!

  29. Totally agree that just supporting kids through situations that will ultimately build their confidence is a big goal as a parent. There’s nothing we can get done for them but watching them get through something difficult is amazing.

  30. Love this post, Carla… What a neat perspective and way to go, Tornado! All of those are real victories and I love the idea of choosing to be part of the effort. Thank you for sharing this.

  31. I can relate. The mean moms in the Teen’s growing-up neighborhood always used to call attention to whichever tot wasn’t reaching their milestone at the exact second their “gifted” kids were. One day when my boy was called out about not being potty trained by chief mean mom, I simply replied, “If it’s still a problem when he gets to college, then I’ll worry.” Everyone laughed – but not at me. The Teen has been behind most kids his age but slowly, and without prodding, comes around to things at his own pace.

  32. Those little victories are so important. So much of kids’ (and adults’!) “milestones” happen “in time,” on their own schedules and the best we can do for them is just what you said, open the door and let them walk through it when they are ready. The real trick for me is knowing when to nudge them a little and when to stand behind as a safety net. I don’t quite have it down for myself yet!

  33. Thanks! Brought back memories of sleep overs and trips with friend’s families and relatives as well as my friends being with our family! I can’t remember ever not liking the experience.

  35. Love this. There are so many qualities that I want to have myself, yet when the experiences of life come around that can help me gain those qualities– I tend to forget that part and the experience just seems hard!

    I never really liked sleepovers either.

  36. Carla – sometimes I think we are psychically connected!
    I have been going through something similar with my son. He has issues with fine motor skills, like buttoning, writing etc.. It is hard not to jump in and do it for him – particularly when he is crying in frustration.
    But each time he does something on his own I can literally feel his self-efficacy increasing.
    It’s amazing!

  37. Yes!!! It is always amazing…and scary…to me to watch my oldest do something…see the fear in her face and hear it in her song (she hums really high when she’s nervous)…and then see the pride once she rocks it! This summer was the massive slide at the carnival…she went up and down those stairs about 4 times but then she decided that there was no more turning back! She rocked it and went on to do it again 5 times!!!

  39. I love it when people (and children) step out of their comfort zones and succeed where they thought they wouldn’t. You must have been so proud of her – and of your own stepping out and up!
    BTW I thought you might like to know that I nominated you for the Blogger Recognition Award if you’d like to participate – the info is on my post here: http://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2015/09/creating-circle-of-love-with-blogger.html#.VgJxgMuqqko

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