To the Person Who Asked My Wife If She Was Pregnant… (guest post).

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The below is an anonymous, true-life experience post. 

It’s from the perspective of the partner of someone asked if she was pregnant when she most certainly was not. 

It’s a point of view I’d never really stopped to consider…

Dear Person Who Asked My Wife If She Was Pregnant,

The upshot of your inquiry, was to tell my wife she had the body of a pregnant woman – which is the same as being called fat, if you’re not pregnant.

She’s not.

She has, however given birth to our two sons, and you’re obviously familiar with the concept of pregnancy’s effect on the female body.

My wife exercises regularly, and is an avid runner.  She keeps the whole family’s diet on the healthy side.

She does enjoy red wine, and has a sweet tooth – we both do, in fact.  She is healthy, beautiful and sexy.

So when someone seemingly innocently asks about a non-existent pregnancy, she questions her entire lifestyle and why she puts effort into maintaining her body.

Her self-esteem is damaged – she doesn’t feel like the healthy, beautiful, sexy woman she is.

Her day is ruined, and as her husband and someone who loves her dearly, my day gets ruined too.

I wasn’t present when you decided to ask a personal, invasive question of a stranger, but if I had been this is what I would have liked to tell you, and all of your ilk.

I figure you’re one of two kinds of people. 

The first type, is simply ignorant of the kind of damage you’re doing by asking such a question.

If the little pouch you observed would have been due to a pregnancy, it would probably be in the first trimester, when most expecting moms don’t widely release the news to due a fear of miscarriage which occur in those first 12 weeks;

Personally, I never ask a woman about a pregnancy unless she looks like she’s smuggling a regulation size basketball, or if she brings it up herself.

I would be mortified if I made the mistake you made – but you don’t care about that, you simply need your nosiness satisfied, and you’re too socially stupid to consider the consequences of your assumption being wrong.

I suppose there are plenty of socially impaired people out there, maybe it explains why this happens almost regularly – if it were a one time occurrence, we might be able to ignore it.

Since it does seem to happen every so often, my cynical side begins to wonder if there’s a second type of person who asks a woman about a pregnancy which isn’t actually there. 

I think you do it on purpose; it is a malicious, passive-aggressive, catty attack on someone who has done nothing to provoke you.

Why would someone do such a thing?

My best theory is you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and see someone trapped in a cage of self-hatred, and you think the only means of escape is to knock someone down a peg.

You’ve actually found a way to fat-shame someone who isn’t even fat (which I’ll admit is a term as ugly as it is subjective), and yet you won’t get called out on it, because the insult is cloaked in  warm, fuzzy, family-friendliness.

I’d applaud the brilliance of the tactic, if only it wasn’t so plain and outright mean.

If you’re in the former, socially stupid camp, let this be a lesson to you.

Women who ARE pregnant get asked all kinds of questions about their body day in, day out.

They might enjoy some adult conversation – they might feel nostalgic for the “normal” life, and if not, they’ll probably discuss pregnancy details with you unprompted.

If you’re in the latter, malicious camp, you have a learning opportunity too.

While you can do some superficial damage to her (and therefore us), you can’t make us fundamentally unhappy – we have too much to be grateful for. 

Try to build yourself up, and if you can spare the effort, maybe even build up someone else, and do it sincerely.

If you still don’t get it, try this:

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

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Comments

  3. It’s one of those questions that should never be asked. Among work colleagues, I think it’s nosiness rather than malice, but from strangers, it’s puzzling.

  4. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they are well meaning but lacking in social skills. And I try not to let it ruin my day as I don’t want to empower them if they weren’t well meaning. I am sorry it happened to your wife. It is a hurtful comment. People need to think first.

  6. I have this happen to me alot. Yes I am overweight I admit and yes I do look like I am pregnant but that is from having 4 kids and putting myself last. I have always put my families needs ahead of my own. Now that all of my kids are grown I have learned to work on me. It is a slow process but I am doing it. I am sorry that this has happened to your wife and I applaud you for standing up for her and all women like her.

  8. I would never even consider asking/commenting – and since it was a stranger, why does it even bother her? If someone were to say something mean spirited to me, I would come back with something snarky and move on. Especially since she knows she has a loving supportive husband!

  10. I am not sure why, but it still shocks me that somebody would have the kahunas to even say this to a stranger.
    What a wonderful husband you are!

  11. I understand you point, and I sympathize with it. I need to say that I have very “thin” skin and do get my feelings hurt too often, but I have come to the realization that it’s my problem to solve, not that of others. I can rant all I want but it will only prolong the pain. Letting go and moving on is the best solution in my opinion.

  13. Oh, this is so good. It hurts my heart, but it’s so good.

    To the partner here, writing, I thank you. Thank you for speaking up. Thank you for reminding your wife she is beautiful. Thank you for your words.

  14. There are, indeed, mean people in the world. Still, letting M. Insulter’s words ruin a day is giving way too much power away. I encourage Wife to consider how mortified M. Insulter might be. Perhaps it ruined his/her day, too. (That’s giving the benefit of the doubt that the M. Insulter was mistaken, not malicious.) Indeed, haven’t we all said something stupid, we wish we could take back.

    Keep in mind, not a single human being IS fat. We all just have fat. Some have more than others.

  16. I was working out in a gym once. I wear a sport bra and shorts. No t-shirt.
    A trainer was training his client and walked by me to get something.
    He stopped.
    He asked me how far along I was.
    Mind you, I look about 14-15 years old… Especially with no eye liner on (and when I go to the gym, I don’t wear anything on my face).
    I was befuddled by this comment.
    My response: “I don’t like to discuss that.”
    The look on his face: “Oh fu**”
    Yep. I at first kind of laughed in my head. But when I left the gym, I cried. Yes, I did. It’s not my fault I have innumerable stomach problems/pains… That sometimes cause me to look pregnant. It’s not my fault that I am doubled over in pain at least 45-55% of my life.

    Never did I see that trainer ever again.
    GOOD.

    However… These days, when I have a bloated episode and I have to go out, I actually just pretend I am pregnant. Less explanations 😉

  17. Never ask. Grandpa was an OB/GYN, and you have no idea the damage it can do to ask this to a woman who has tried and tried and either cannot get pregnant or has lost another pregnancy. And being in that office, people would make assumptions, believe me.

  18. …I think this is an over-reaction. Her “self esteem is damaged”? Yikes. How fragile have we become in this day and age?

    Many times I’ve seen women that look pregnant & have wanted to say congratulations, but due to the excessive & wearisome political correctness these days, I’ve held back. Which is too bad, because maybe some of those pregnant women needed a good conversation & friendly interaction that day. If your wife looks pregnant, no fault or shame to her and no fault or shame to the person who inquires. Too over sensitive in my opinion.

  21. First, I think that the man’s wife doesn’t need him to fight her battles, if there is one here to fight. Someone said something rude, brush it off and move on.

    I was raised in a family where you don’t say anything to anyone about anything that could be indelicate. I would be prompted, “X is adopted, don’t say anything about adoption while you’re over there; Y’s sister tried to commit suicide, don’t ask about her sister because Y might feel uncomfortable; Z has weird toes, don’t look at them or mention them”…and on and on. I truly never thought about any of these things BEFORE my mother told me about them. Then I wondered why we don’t talk about difficult things. I learned to NEVER ask personal questions of people. I NEVER mention pregnancy, even if the the woman in question has told me about her pregnancy. I worry that in the intervening days, she may have lost the baby, or had some terrible news regarding the developing child’s health and I will make her feel bad. I don’t want to be rude, so instead I appear disinterested. It is the thing I wish I could change about myself the most.

    How can we learn to accept our bodies if honest talk is taboo?

  22. Similar to you, I would never bring up the big question of “how far along are you?” unless the person looks like she is about 7 or 8 months pregnant.

    It’s such a tricky subject because there are a lot of women out there who have a bit of fat in the stomach area which is completely normal. It can be extremely hurtful to ask the question to the wrong person, especially if they are sensitive about their weight.

  24. That’s the cruel world.

    People like to say mean things for their pleasure..

    Forgiveness is the key to live peacefully in this world.

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