Is this the last time?

by

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wasn’t the last time.

Recently a number of friends have experienced the last time of things.

Situations or happenings where it was over and they knew it was impossible to ever go back.

Dissolution of marriages. Sudden loss of loved ones. Unexpected job downsizings. Endings of friendships etc.

The sort of stuff where you know, now that it’s done, you can never return (marriage. job. friendship) and life will never be the same (loved one loss.).

The last time.

I never thought much about the existence of the last time until I became a mother.

I’d moved back to Austin from Guatemala and I asked a friend, mother to a teen, to meet for coffee.

“I remember how exhausting that age was,” she said glancing my daughter’s highchair. “Still, I’d love to return and spend one day with my child as a toddler and one day with her as a tween. But only one day.”

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not the last time.

I recall thinking, fatigued from months of single motherhood in a different country, Why on earth would you want to go back in time? I can’t imagine forgetting the feeling of this and, right now, it’s not so glamorous!

As my daughter has gotten older, however, I’ve begun to grasp what my friend meant.

I’ve been present. I’ve soaked up each moment of motherhood I could. I’d already love to return & revisit a few ages for only one day.

I’ve missed so many last times.

We all miss these final moments or so I’d like to think.

It’s not so much we’re busy wishing the days away it’s more these final events pass quietly and without fanfare.

One day we’re frustrated because our child can’t talk yet/express what she needs and suddenly POOF the sweet gibberish of childhood is gone never to return.

I’d bet one of my beloved Diet Cokes the majority of us missed that final gibberish laden sentence.

The strung together syllables we think we’d have treasured had we known it to be the last time and would have definitely remembered forever (or at least posted on FaceBook).

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full-sleeve? last time.

As I’ve bumbled through motherhood I’ve reflected on my friend’s words.

I’ve tried to focus on them while being used as a human jungle-gym for a three year old or begging a toddler to eat not smear her food on her face.

I’ll miss this when it’s gone. This could be the last time.

Confession? It hasn’t always worked.

I’ve snapped at that three year old.

I’ve taken the food away rather than admire how she’s enjoying its texture and feel.

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last loving Mother’s Day missive? we’ll know next month.

Lately it’s all gotten easier.

Motherhood, as promised, has gotten easier.

Sure, also as promised, the problems have gotten bigger as the child has gotten bigger (hello, social media contracts & “trust but verify”) yet I’ve found myself able to embrace stuffs which would have irritated me only months ago.

  • Mama, come talk to me while I shower.
  • Mama, can we please go to Multicultural Night tonight at school together?
  • Mama, it’s storming. I can’t sleep. Can I get in your tiny twin bed with you?

Before we began the swift descent toward teen’dom my answers might have been:

  • Seriously? Can you not shower solo?
  • How much do you r-e-a-l-l-y want to go? Do you have to be there? 
  • The thunder will definitely end soon. If it doesn’t then come back.

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twin costumes. last time.

The biggest gift in this insight is my awareness hasn’t paralyzed me.

I’m still able to fully experience my life without the sense of this could be the last time becoming debilitating.

In that way it’s evolved into a twist on the Buddha quote: The trouble is you think you have time.

We may. We may not. This may be the last time. This may not be.

From motherhood to marriage. From family to friends. Is the answer to becoming wholly present in our lives as simple as challenging ourselves with this question:

If I knew this were the last time–how could I enjoy it more fully?

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Comments

  1. My daughter always asks to be carried up to bed. I told her that she was getting to big for that aka mama is going to fall down the stairs carrying you. My husband continues to do it because he knows at one point it will be the last time.

    • We had that same sort of interaction here. Mine is quickly becoming almost my height and borrows my shoes.
      I really don’t remember the *last time* I was able to grab her pick her up and carry her.

  2. This.
    As much as I try to slow down I don’t know any of us are slow enough to really appreciate it all.

  3. I think we all take relationships for granted. Kids grow and time doesn’t come back.
    My mom was not much there when I was little (she worked and had a lot on her plate as a single mother 40 years ago). There were no smartphones to film every single step of the way like now.
    I’m sure she misses a lot of things too. But then again, it also happens the other way around with me living on the other side of the ocean.

  4. Oh Carla!!! I struggle with this!! I truly try to enjoy all the moments, because time speeds away and those “last times” that happen when you don’t know they are happening are truly awful. As the boys get older I’m constantly thinking “is this the last time for ____?” Make it stop!

    • YES. I think you nailed it that people take the phrases like live without regrets or what you share above to mean “live like you be CRAZY!!!”
      You’ve nailed it.

  6. I was so excited when my son started to get up with is alarm clock, but I quickly missed those few quiet moments waking him up in the morning. I am deeply aware of possible “last times” with TL and taking a deep breath to pray for wisdom as we face the days (that are still hopefully a few months) ahead.

  7. I love that question- so powerful! Having a toddler right now, I get comments like you got from your friend often, and I’m more aware the second time around how fast it does go. I’m making an effort to soak up each day with both girls!

    • And it is just so hard to be present in those tiring toddler years as well. Which is why my friend’s comment resonates with me so so much right now…

  8. “The trouble is, you think you have time.” That sums up motherhood for me. All of a sudden, I have these two young men. All day long, in my job as a pediatric nurse practitioner, I am reminded of what has passed. Every stage of parenting has its challenges. But I miss those little hugs and those little voices. Now I’m feeling all melancholy…

  10. It is so difficult to capture everything while you are going through it. I always tell moms with young kids, savor as much as you can since it goes by so quickly. Blink…and they’ll be all grown up!

  11. We’ve talked lots about this. I was recently given a ‘last time do-over’ with my 11-year old son. A moment in which I KNEW it was the last time. I tried to memorize every aspect of the experience and when it was over knew that I’d captured it in my heart and was able to quietly let go.

  12. I wish I could be in the present more, live in it at every moment and memorize the sounds, the taste, the smells so I could call them up again. Can I just say that is the best Mothers Day card! I really adore your daughter.

  13. You know this resonates with me – always – but right now, more so than ever. It’s been brought home to me so many times in the past couple of years how very little time we often have. It’s a lesson I keep having to learn – and why does it so often take losing someone to have it reinforced? I like to think I am good about savoring the little things that won’t last forever, but the truth is I’m so constantly overwhelmed by all the *stuff* I have to do that I let them pass by without my attention too often. I have a teenager who’s on the brink of being an adult, and there are a *lot* of lasts happening right now. I’m trying to savor with all I’m worth, because they’re so worth remembering.

  14. Now that my daughter is 23 and my parents in their 80s, I find myself asking this question of my mom and dad. Is this our last Easter together? Will my dad ever see my new house? Makes me more accepting of their idiosyncracies.

  15. My daughter is highly sensitive (HSP) and just turned 14. Doesn’t like to touch or be touched. I am the exact opposite and thrive on physical contact. The last year has been an explosion of conflict, new experiences, frustration, and learning as this reached a much higher level when puberty hit and we’ve tried to figure this out together. I had to take her in for a doctor’s appointment a couple months ago and she needed vaccinations. I knew that was going to be tough for her, but I also knew it was something she’d have to get through. I was sitting next to her and as the needle went into her arm, without looking at me, she reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. I honestly can’t remember the last time she touched me, let alone held my hand. But I was grateful to know that in that moment, I was a comfort to her. And I could not have enjoyed that more fully.

  16. My baby girl is now 25 and has flown away. Time also does indeed fly by. I savor all the memories and I’m enjoying her as an adult and savor the precious time when we’re together.

  17. My “baby” is 29- I am enjoying thinking of “first times” for her. First career. First time living alone while in career. First time dealing with a relationship gone sour. She calls me when she needs “mom time” for these firsts in her life. I am glad she does!
    Me- I keep making up “firsts” for myself too. Coming up- first 30 mile mountain bike “race” at age 62.

  18. My daughter is going through the same thing, she swore she would not miss her twins being babies. Now she says she would give anything to go back in time, but just for one day!

  20. I always share the “Remember When” stories with my sons. Sure, they tire from hearing them, but I think they know how important it is for me to relive stages of their lives.

    So glad we chatted Carla…my Oakland loving new friend 🙂

  23. You beat me to it. I’ve been thinking about this topic for a long time. And I still might
    tackle it, but you did a lovely job. My biggest moments that I missed with my son: the last
    push in the stroller, the last picture book reading, the last time he cuddled and slept in my bed when my husband was traveling. Ah, life.

  24. Wow, girl. You touched my heart. When my daughter and I stopped going to the same school(I teacher,she student) she would watch out the window and wave goodbye as I left. One day, she didn’t. I asked her if she forgot. She just looked at me. No affect, just looked. It was done.
    Now she’s 19 and commutes to college. She asked me to text her T 6:15, and stop in to let her know I’m leaving before I go. Who knew? We walk arm in arm at the mall, she thanks me when I buy her something, and still asks me if its ok when her late night plans change. She likes when I wait up.
    Who knew? I didn’t have this with my mother.
    I know it will end. But I think that something new will come in its place.
    I know it will.

  25. wow – lots of comments Carla – this must have really struck a chord with a lot of women. I tend to focus on firsts – first words, first steps, first car, first grandchild and the list goes on. It makes me less nostalgic and I think it’s helped with the whole empty nest thing.

  26. I cried when I realized that my son was too big for me to carry him up the stairs anymore, but at the same time I relish in all of the firsts that come along with the lasts.

  27. I loved this and have been thinking about it a lot recently as my little one gets bigger. I keep telling him how I won’t be able to carry him anymore which makes me so sad! I don’t want to miss that moment when it’s the last time.

  28. OH! I like this post… last times. Every night, I would rock my little guy to sleep and sing him 3 songs of his choosing. I loved and cherished every moment because he wasn’t the most cuddly kid and this was our moment, just me and B. I knew it wouldn’t last though. He no longer wants to be rocked or sang to, and I mourn those moments. I always feel sad when I put him to bed and just walk away and he just says good night. 🙁

  31. This is the theme to the essay I have in Jen Mann’s book. It’s about the last time I carried my older son. This is awesome, sister.

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  33. I tend to live in the present, but sure I remember the past. For me life is better that way. Losses are part of life.

    There are only two bad things that can happen to a pilot.
    You can go out to your plane knowing it is your last flight, or you can go out to your plane not knowing it is your last flight.

  35. Great reminder to not rush through, even when it’s tempting to plow through tbe difficult times. Buried inside the difficult times are moments to treasure ?

  36. A lot of my friends tell me that sense of ‘the last time’ is the reason they’ve had more kids!

    I think the saddest thing is that it’s often something you think in retrospect.

    “If I’d know that was the last time I’d talk to my dad, I’d…..’

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  1. […] and Love Your Obstacles  via In It 4 The Long Run Compliments Are Free via Becoming Minimalist Is This The Last Time? via Carla Birnberg You Don’t Have To Believe What You Think via Imma Eat […]

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