It is what it is.

by

it

Years ago I dated a guy who had a number of tattoos (shocking, I realize).

(He wasn’t covered, but the ones he had were intricate. I called him my illustrated man with few tales to tell. ahh youth)

While he didn’t use my same phrasing, he appeared to approach his body art as I did about my own.

His tattoos weren’t chosen either in haste or for shock value/rebellion.

He felt, as I did, the images had always been part of him, they just rose to the surface when an artist placed needle to skin.

They weren’t tattoos Id have chosen yet on him they made sense.

They fit.

We were also remarkably similar in the length of time it took us to “just know” we wanted a new piece.

His ornate, bold full-arm sleeves? They looked like a gutsy statement and had also required years of planning, sketching and deciding on positioning.

kangoo jumps

I spontaneously wanted a Seuss sleeve. 6 years later I was certain.

These details are why it surprised me when, apropos of nothing, he announced he’d chosen his next tattoo.

I assumed he’d have a concept (Ferdinand the Bull) and would commence talking about and pondering for months if not years (ok the bull idea was mine).

I know exactly what I want and where I want it, he continued. The phrase: It is what it is and around my collarbone.

It is what it is.

He had no way of knowing how passionately I hated this phrase.

I cringed when I heard it and had to fight its usage becoming a deciding factor in whether or not someone became a close friend.

Each time I heard the snippet said my brain interpreted it as meaning: I give up. I have no control over anything. I’ll take this situation as it is and not even try to improve it.

To me the five words sounded fatalistic.

Resigned, discouraged and surrendering without a fight. I couldn’t think of anything I’d less desire inked on me as a life philosophy.

It is what it is.

There’s no ending to this story except life conspired against us and our happily ever after was derailed.

I don’t know if he ever got his planned tattoo and hadn’t thought much about him until I heard his fave phrase last week.

It is what it is, a friend said after interviewing for a job she desperately wanted. I did my best, I brought my A-game, it is what it is.

It was only in that moment a positive interpretation of the once annoying phrase became abundantly clear.

it is what it is

It is what it is wasn’t always a statement of futility or lack of f*cks left to give.

It was a declaration of willingness to sit in ambiguity after having done everything one could.

It was a declaration of optimism and faith in the potential of a scenario to shift and become as one wanted.

For the first time I heard the phrase as I think then-boyfriend always had:

Fraught with potential (it is what it is. I’ve put something in motion. Now I sit in the space and see what transpires.) instead of a claim of helplessness and prepared excuse for failure.

Whatever happens in life—it is what it is. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I’ll still never say it.

I’ll definitely never tattoo it on me.

I think I finally understand.

And you?

  • What’s your interpretation of the phrase? Love it or loathe it? Optimistic or resigned negativity?

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Comments

  1. I had a boss a few years ago who would use this phrase all the time during a particularly difficult time with administration. I had seen it more of a positive phrase up until then. Then it back a phrase of giving up and realizing you can’t change a damn thing. I try not to use it now but it will slip out in moments of frustration.

  2. I say this all the time!!
    I need to think about this more, but I do think I use it as I’m giving up or I’m over it?

  3. When my husband and I were watching the movie “Ray” years ago, there was a scene when he is at the piano, strung out on drugs but playing masterfully. He leans back and says “it’s gonna do what it do.” For whatever reason that struck a chord with both of us and now, when it’s appropriate (which it seems to be A LOT!) we use it. In fact, we overuse it but it makes so much sense to us. It’s not giving up but letting go!
    xo

  4. I don’t feel that it is pessimistic or optimistic to say “it is what it is.” To me, it is realistic. A) because it is true, and b) there are things in this world that are beyond our control BUT c) you are not saying that it is what it is and that is all it ever will be.
    There is always time for development and evolution. But you at least have a starting point.

  5. Ive always heard it as saying:
    Let go or be dragged.
    That’s really interesting you found it to be negative. That never occurred to me.

  6. This is the favorite expression of one of my husband’s cousins, who has had two breast cancers and is currently on taxofen, a drug with many side effects that impact her life. She has a positive, upbeat attitude and, if runs into a day when the drug is dragging her down, she shrugs and says “it is what it is” and carries on the best she can. I think she uses the expression as “today, I have to accept I’m not feeling right. Tomorrow is another day.”

  7. It doesn’t hit my ear the right way either, if people default to it the way they used to with “whatever.” In other cases, as you’ve suggested, it shows a person’s willingness to let things be that are beyond control.

    My father is facing the fact that he won’t drive again. It was wrenching for him until we coordinated ways to get him out of the house as much as he was used to. When he went from “where are my keys?” to “It is what it is,” I knew it was a statement of acceptance.

  8. I get to leave a comment! I just think it’s wonderful when you can see a positive interpretation of something in life. To take a negative and turn it into something upbeat and strong is what life is all about. I’m glad you’re not tattooing it around your collarbone but it’s nice that you don’t wince when you hear it anymore 🙂

  9. I cringe when I hear that phrase as well. I have a brother in law who is a bit of an Eeyore who says it all the time and it drives me bonkers. Glad I am not alone in this. And btw, I adore Ferdinand!

  10. You make a great point about this statement. I think it is a way of people accepting what they can’t control. I prefer to use this phrase that Rabbi Nahum used to say, “Gam zu l’tovah,” which in Hebrew means: “This is also for good.”

  11. I kind of take it like “here’s where we are now. Let’s call it what it is.” Then being able to move forward. I like what you said about being able to “sit in ambiguity”. Because a lot of life is like that.

    • and see? I LOVE THAT although I guess it would be a long tattoo OR would have been like a necklace around his manly neck? 🙂 HERES WHERE WE ARE NOW LETS CALL IT WHAT IT IS.<3

  12. I don’t mind the phrase “It is what it is” because sometimes it just describes a situation you just have no control over and are forced to accept. However, I don’t think I’d ever feel passionate enough about that phrase to put it on a tattoo!

  13. I named my triathlon bike Ferdinand, because its aero bars looked like bull horns, haha.

    I’m 50/50 on “It is what it is”. I’ve definitely used it before, but I like to think I’ve used it in the positive sense. When a situation I have absolutely zero control over doesn’t end favorably, I like to think “it is what it is” is a coping mechanism, allowing peace and acceptance into my life over the outcome (as opposed to throwing an adult sized temper tantrum over an outcome I seriously can’t control!)

    • ON NO!! I take it as a sign you named your bike that as well 🙂 Are the tattoo goddesses shoving me lovingly in the direction of getting my Ferdinand tattoo? (yes. the answer is YES :-))

  14. I think it depends on context. I was stressing over something this weekend, caught myself, and realized, there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do. It was surprisingly (to me, not you!) relieving. It is, what it is!

  15. This is actually a phrase I say all the time. Not because I am giving up but after I’ve given it my all I know no matter how hard I want to control a situation and its outcome I realize that I need to let fate / the universe/ gd /karma take its course and hopefully the outcome is in my favor. Also your legs are just like works of art. And so are your posts.

  16. It always sounded like a phrase either a very old person would use or a new age EST “participant?” but I too have come to almost embrace because sometimes it’s the only phrase that makes sense.
    For exactly the reasons you said–optimism and faith—two things I believe in strongly though the later not in the traditional sense.

  18. Love it. To me it means accept the situation and move through it. Kind of like, “So what? Now what?”

  20. Huh. I’ve never had that negative connotation with it before!

    I’ve always thought of it from the perspective that it’s a waste of time and energy to focus on something that’s out of our control, and so we need to accept it and focus on other things that we ARE able to control.

    • I love your interpretation as well since lately Ive gotten too too proprietary of my most precious resource: TIME.

  21. I get that to you the phrase felt like a cop-out, but that it can also be meant to say that sometimes things are just out of our control. And for some of us control freaks, it’s good to remember that we just can’t.

    • OH. You make such a great point in the sense of Im too quick to delegate and hand over reigns (NOT always a good things :)) but he was much more of a controller…I wonder if THAT’S why he like it!

  22. I say this quite often. To me it is a way of acknowledging the situation and letting go of any stress that could go along with that situation. Love this post!

    • I really like your perspective and I shall commence to steal it. IT’S A STARTING POINT. That wipes out erases ANY negativity.

  24. personally it can go either way for me, both positive and negative BUT I find myself leaning towards the positive most times because it helps me NOT to worry about the outcome of something. Helps me loosen the death grips of control (that I never really had in the first place).

  25. I read that phrase differently and I kind of like it my way, which is to say this. Reality is reality and we have to face it. Meaning, for example aging. It is what it is. It brings with it certain changes. We can do the best possible for ourselves, but aging is what it is.
    So I love the phrase.

  26. I actually think I use this phrase both ways – positive and negative. Overall now it does have a more positive meaning for me – since I tend to be overly controlling – if I can really believe it is what it is, I think it’s a step in the right direction.

  27. The phrase just rings of inaction, let life roll over me, poor me, I am helpless,I am insignificant, I have no power in the universe. I don’t like it, not one bit.
    I can see someone using it as acceptance when a situation is really out of their control like having a surgery and pondering the outcome.
    Ferdinand, is a great bull!

  28. Although I don’t use this phrase often sometimes it’s the only thing to say. I’ve been in situations where you’ve tried to fix them and can’t. “It is what it is” to me, is acceptance!

  29. To me it is a positive statement of acknowledgment. Not judgment. Not amibuity.

    I think I have likely used it but cannot think of a particular instance. I am neutral.

  30. I love that. I think it’s very telling about who you are as a person that was able to interpret it the way that you did.
    Optimistic.
    With a positive perspective.
    Gosh, I admire you the MOST! <3

  31. I say this all the time.
    Now that I think about it for me it isn’t positive or negative it’s a conversation ender.
    I use it when I sent a conversation is going to get ugly and I’m trying to say: agree to disagree.

  32. Hmm, intetesting. My husband uses it often. Honestly, it use to pissed me off when he said it during times when I needed a more thorough answer to WHY. It made me feel like nothing could be done. Then there are times when it puts me at ease. I know a point has been reached when it’s no longer in my hands. So I guess it depends on my own mindset.

  33. I take it to mean I am not in control of what happens but am in control of my reaction to it. Roll with it and make the best of it!
    xo

  34. I don’t use the phrase “it is what it is” very often, and usually a way of telling myself it’s okay to not be able to fixate on fixing a problem. The phrase’s meaning has shifted a bit for DH and myself, after our Costa Rica adventure when he slipped on a rock in a river and broke his elbow. This, too, I could not fix! But sitting in an emergency room in Limon at 8:30 at night, after a bumpy, painful Jeep ride out of the jungle, he looked at me (fretting, as usual) and said “it is what it is”, to which I replied “and it’s BROKEN!!” Now it’s more of a tension reliever when there’s a tough situation we’re facing.

    I love hearing other people’s perspectives on this topic. And a Ferdinand tattoo would be the cat’s meow! Princess and I are getting tattoos together in September (her first, my third) 🙂

  35. Like you, I was never a fan of this phrase. It didn’t make sense to me at first, and then I thought more about it, and realized it’s a statement that you accept things as they are. I like your concept, however, of “I did the best I can, NOW I sit back and accept what happens.” THAT makes sense to me.

    For years I viewed my weight with that idea, “It is what it is.” Then I realized it didn’t have to be that way. I changed my lifestyle, and in the process, my whole life changed and I LOVE IT! Yet another reason for me NOT to like “It is what it is.” Because it wasn’t what it was. I realize however, that I made the changes to fix my “It is what it is.” Sometimes we can change it, but sometimes we can’t. I was reminded of that last week.

    I waited over the long Fourth of July Holiday weekend for a breast biopsy scheduled on Tuesday, after a call back on my mammogram the week before, they decided a biopsy was in order. I had no lumps. I was healthy. It was strictly a preventative procedure, although admittedly the first time I had it done in at least 20 years. So there was no baseline mammo to compare the new one with and they found some abnormalities that they thought warranted a biopsy. After the long five days waiting to endure the “boop-opsy,” I had to wait another two days for the results, which thankfully were BENIGN. Beautiful word–BENIGN.

    I know if I had been more accepting and adopted that “It is what it is” philosophy, I probably wouldn’t have stressed so much. But I feel like I’ve done all I can to make sure my “is what it is” isn’t as horrible as it was at 328 lbs. Back then, joint pain, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, possible heart problems were all part of my accepting “it is what it is.” I knew that all those complications were just part of my morbid obesity. I lost weight to regain my health, and that happened in spades. I also recovered my self-esteem, and freedom to once again be an active participant in my life.

    So my “it is what it is” today should not have to include cancer. At least that’s what I thought. I know people get cancer everyday through no fault of their own, and I shouldn’t have thought in those terms. I know had the results been cancer, I would have fought the disease like Hell and accepted my new “It is what it is,” but I’m sure glad I don’t have to.

  36. Hi Carla! I like your “new” interpretation of the phrase but isn’t it always just that–our individual interpretation in any given moment or time in our lives? We are always the common denominator and the story we tell to make sense of our world is uniquely us! Thanks for this excellent reminder! ~Kathy

  37. Sometimes I’ll say ‘it is what it is’ because I realize that things are out of my control and I have to accept to let fate take its course! It’s not easy for someone who is Type A but I’ve come to accept it!

  38. It is definitely a huge part of my vocabulary!!!! I am with the friend. I can only do my best or what I have to give at any point in time – it is what it is. 🙂

  39. Ok first your tattoos rock! I love them and don’t know if I’ve ever told you that. Second, I don’t think I use this term much but my mom does, and sometimes I get it and sometimes I’m annoyed by it. I am more like the “where there is a will there’s a way” type of girl 😉

  40. My father in law used this phrase yesterday after he told us that his lady friend wanted out of their relationship. I asked him if he was sad, and while he said yes, he said: It is what it is.

    He’s right, you know.

  41. As I said on the book of faces, I say it a lot (mainly at work). Trying to translate it specifically, to me, “it is what it is” means, “this is something that I’m not prioritizing the f*cks to change right now” (or get myself fired over trying to change, or whatever. :D). And I think that’s ok. We can’t all crusade for everything every moment of the day or we’d get so very tired so quickly. I also say “pick your battles wisely” a lot – and I think “it is what it is” is saying that it’s not a battle I’m going to pick.

  42. Ferdinand is a favorite. This saying reminds me of the “serenity to accept the things i cannot change” part of the prayer.

  43. To me, the phrase has always meant acceptance, not giving up/in, but also not being so caught up/invested in the outcome that you can let go–after you’ve done what you can–and simply let things work out the way they will. So for someone who likes to be in control (yeah, that’s me), “it is what it is” is a challenge. But overall, I think it’s a positive way to view what life throws down.

  46. I hate to say it, Carla, but many people believe in this phrase. I find most don’t know about the choices we have in life if we use our imagination. (And yes, I know many people have incredibly difficult lives and that phrase is easier said than done). But there are also many who accept bad jobs, marriages, and situations because “it is what it is.” I’m totally with you on this.

  47. I say this sometimes – both in a positive “I did my part & can’t change the outcome” way and in a “whatever” kind of way. Mostly, though, I’ve never thought it to be negative or fatalistic, but I can now see how you’d perceive it that way. And I do think that too many people are quick to become complacent with life and refuse to own their choices and actions.

  48. I’ve never been a fan of that phrase either–I definitely associate it with resigned negativity/giving up and not doing something about a situation.

  49. My coworker and I used it ALL the time, and I admit it was more of the “nothing we can do about it so we’ll just soldier on” variety. But what’s funny is that we used it so much I had (temporary) tattoos made of that phrase and every time we felt like we couldn’t deal anymore, we’d cut another one off the page and slap it on (somewhere hidden because tattoos were not allowed at work.)

  50. I HATE this phrase with a passion that cannot be matched. But you reminded me of another, one that I LOVE but is oddly similar. All in the interpretation, I suppose…

    “Wherever you go, there you are.”
    A classic for me. Painfully obvious, dense even. But then again, sneaky in its depth and applicability to EVERYthing.

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