Thank you therapy or how to take a compliment.

by

Today’s tip is brought to you by MizFit’s Awkward Moments in Life # 2323: the compliment bestowage.

About a decade ago it clicked for me that someone else being GREAT at something did not, in any way, diminish my greatness at aforementioned endeavor.

Let me elaborate.

If, for example, I read a friend’s manuscript & am blown away by her writing skills it does not make my writing any less fantastic.

If, for example, I see a woman sauntering down the street looking fabulously coiffed and tell her so—-it doesnt make my hair any less fantiztastic looking (hypothetically as Miz’s hair is not her crowning glory. Ever.)

Make any sense yet?

Let me delve deeper (briefly) into the notion that, in my younger years, I didnt always grasp the fact that I shouldnt feel threatened by someone for her ‘gifts.’

I hadnt yet come to the concept that the mere existence of them has no impact on my ‘worthiness’ what so ever. There is room for everyone.

In a glossing-over-sort-of-way (because it’s a post for a different day) Im a firm believer that many times women are hard on other women because they feel threatened (& are simultaneously too damn hard on themselves as well. again, a different post).

That they (the royal. the masses at large.) have yet to make the leap & realize that one woman’s success (whatever the realm) does not inhibit or mean that they cant be successfulamazing, too.

Which all, rather circuitously, brings me to my Tuesday Tip Du Jour.

The fact that, following my Ah Ha! moment, I now lack an internal monologue & prance up to complete strangers and tell them precisely what Im thinking.

“You look awesome today! I like to pretend it’s mamahood which makes me disheveled—-but that’s just an excuse. I never looked as pulled together as you do.”

“Wow. I saw how you handed that interaction and had to come up and tell you how in awe I am of your zenlikecalm. I completely would have lost my mind.”

that sort of stuff.

And Id be lying to you if I didnt say that, following my bestowage o’compliment, I often want to run & hide in the nearest closet.

The awkwardness. The brushing off. The (and this is my favorite) inexplicable “Oh? You too!!” make me *almost* wish I could take the entire gesture back.

That’s why today is Accepting Compliments 201: the refresher course we can all use.

A few tips to help us accept kind words, internalize them & neither brush them off nor feel compelled to IMMEDIATELY return the sentiment.

1. Pause and listen to what the person is saying. HEAR the compliment. Dont allow yourself to immediately respond with ‘it’s nothing’ or ‘I usually screw everything up. I was lucky this time!‘ Sit with the praise for a moment no matter how uncomfortable or ‘unworthy’ you may feel. Take additional time, when you’re ready, to ask yourself *why* you might feel embarrassed/unworthy of the specific praise.
2. Remember that there is kindness behind the words. When you brush off a compliment you are, in essence, denigrating its giver & putting him in the position of defending his judgement. By reflexively launching into a list of what you perceive to be your weaknesses BOTH of you end up feeling awkward which wasnt, I guarantee you, the compliment-givers intention.

No matter what you feel in the moment try and smile in a way which conveys you appreciate the thought behind the words.

3. Feel free to respond honestly to the praise. While I urge you to accept the compliment there’s nothing wrong with taking a moment to explain your ‘success.’ I’ll never forget one woman, whom I praised for staying shockingly calm while her own Tornado had a public meltdown, explaining to me that it was an entirely new approach for her. That she was CALMCALM merely because it was the first time she’d tried it.

Explain if you wish (“Thanks! I never have time to plan my outfit but I made myself do it this morning. Glad it worked!”) but avoid letting the explanation transition into listing all your (perceived) faults.

4. (You knew this one was coming) Practice. Practice. Practice in the mirror. Is accepting a compliment not your best trait? are you the type who immediately needs to return the sentiment (not necessarily a bad thing) or put yourself down? Try repeating these phrases as you look at yourself in the mirror.

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you, I’m honored by your words.
Thank you, I admire you so your praise definitely means a great deal.
Thank you I really tried hard on this one!

5. Be my Toddler. While I could bore you with stories the bottom line is that toddlers, in general, are pretty much how we should all aspire to be: uber confident. (yes, some of it is hilariously misplaced—but Im fighting the urge to digress.)

Next time you are around a child of the toddler persuasion pay attention to how he or she accepts a compliment. Chances are not only will she happily accept the praise, but she’ll take a moment to point out to you one or two other things she does well.

We adults may not wanna go quite that far—but a little bit of Tornado’y confidence couldn’t hurt.

That concludes Accepting Compliments 201 and, as usual, I’m certain I didnt nail it all in my post.

Got any other suggestions for the Bumbling Band?

Have any good stories about attempts to BESTOW compliments which went horribly awry?

Please to hit us up in the comments…

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Comments

  1. Good stuff from the early bird. 🙂

    I have found it is hard for me to take a compliment at this point in my weight loss journey. I am a little embarassed when someone notices my loss…it is only 11 pounds so far. I feel like it is not enough to be praised….ya know?

  2. I have yet to figure out how you keep managing to write posts that are incredibly relevant to me! I like to think that it’s amazingly coincidental timing and not simply that a lot of women share my fears and insecurities!

    Anyhoo, I was undergoing paranoid rambling thoughts yesterday that all the talented people in my Taekwon-Do Club were somehow doing it on purpose just to make me feel bad! (Narcissistic much?!) So while I’m struggling with all these feelings of inadequacy and chubbiness my friends compliment me on my clothes and my figure (!!!!), and that just leaves me totally confused.

    I think point no.2 is very important – words of praise come from a good heart, with kind intentions. Even if we don’t believe the words ourselves! :o)

  3. I eventually (read: recently. very.) learned this gem:

    Seeing a thin girl/girl who is in good shape…

    …does not mean I am fat.

    *gasps*

    I know, I know. It’s brilliant.

    Only took me TWENTY ONE YEARS to figure out.

    Sounds like your toddler has one up on me. For serious.

  4. Oh, and because I can’t ever be quiet:

    Christy? ELEVEN POUNDS is SO MUCH.

    I’m serious. I’m patting you on the back from o’er here in CA. 11 pounds is more than my family’s three dogs combined.

    I feel like I’m being judged for saying that. 😉

  5. This is excellent advice (when is it not from Mizfit). It amazing the power of positivity and praise, and the acceptance of it is equally important.

  6. Why is it that so many women feel unworthy with praise?! I thougth I was an exception with feeling uncomfortable, not the rule! Along the same lines, I also have a difficult time accepting freebies. I don’t do that well either (but I’m working on that too!). Anyway, I only recently started being able to accept compliments without listing faults or minimizing it. It felt so akward at first, and sometimes I still have the urge to state faults or minimize. But, it’s definately less akward and helps my self esteem by just accepting it!

  8. Right on MizFit! The big one – accepting the compliment (because what are you saying to the other person if you don’t accept it – if you deny it?)

    You rock! (that’s a compliment…for you…)

  9. Excellent tip! These days I get lots of compliments, which is wonderful on several fronts. One, that I get compliments. Period. But the other benefit has been the ‘boot campedness’ of receiving so many in such a short period of time that I’ve FINALLY learned to just smile and say ‘Thank you. You’re so sweet to say so.” Or sometimes I can turn it around and say, “Thank you. I was just thinking the same about your jacket,” or something like that.

    But I still have room to grow. Old habits die hard, as they say.

    P.S.
    I think your hair is gorgeous.

  10. Wonderful wonderful! I use to have a lot of trouble accepting compliments and would only give them to those I knew well. I think its awesome that as we grow up we learn to accept things for what they are and be happy for what we have! Last night, after teaching, I walked up to one of my participants and told her how great she looked in her tiny tiny little shorts (oh and introduced myself haha). She looks to be about 19/20 and you could tell shes just not there yet. She did the quick shift the focus away from me dance. If I had her email, I’d send her this post 🙂

  11. Compliments are hard because I feel so unworthy! I try to smile and say “Thank You”! Then move on to something else. I Love to give compliments, tis better to give than receive! LOL

    As always GREAT post that has me thinking. My brain is getting tired from all this use. 🙂

  12. What a great post!

    In regards to the first part; I’ll quote one of my all time favorites “Desiderata”
    “If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain or bitter,
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. ”

    When ever you experience that “threatening” feeling; what Miz describes perfectly with “someone else being GREAT at something did not, in any way, diminish my greatness at aforementioned endeavor.” you can use the above quote to ground and calm yourself. Try it.

    In regards to receiving a compliment; have you ever gotten one, felt so good for about a second and then immediately doubted yourself thinking that the compliment might have been a dig at you????
    Are we weird or what 😉

  13. I love my early risers/thinkers!!

    seriously.

    I need to do a monday facetime of my MORNINGS where I get my coffee and place a straw in it because Im striving not to have teeth which look like kernels of corn even though as a food group I HEART the corn & hopskip to my laptop to see what ya’ll are thinking!

    here is my HUH compliment thought, Marc.

    the other day I was at the park…yada yada yada another mom said to me:

    WOW. you look 30!!

    and later I thought: huh. but I feel 20. I cant believe Im so old at the point in my life that looking THIRTY is a compliment.

    it all made me laugh.
    and thankful.
    that Im here at all.

    Miz.

  14. Great post, Miz! I think the point that hit home to me is how women, at times, tend not to lift each other up because they feel somehow threatened by other women’s triumphs & successes. So yes, being able to accept – or GIVE – a sincere compliment is needed.

    So is defending a third party against female snark. (Which brings me back to a post you wrote a while back where we talked about surrounding ourselves with positive women. I’ve slowly jettisoned my ‘friends’ who made me feel badly or who recreationally talk badly about other women. It’s amazing the difference this has made for me.)

    Also, I love how you said you feel like running away after baring yourself to give the stranger compliments. That is so cute!

    Shelley

  17. (looooving my early morning, Peeps!)

    and Stuperb this:

    Which brings me back to a post you wrote a while back where we talked about surrounding ourselves with positive women. I’ve slowly jettisoned my ‘friends’ who made me feel badly or who recreationally talk badly about other women. It’s amazing the difference this has made for me.

    segued, for me, AS SOON AS I WAS MARRIED to losing the women who lamented their husbands all.the.time.

    as Im certain I have, at one time or another, lamented the fabulous Ren Man and his love for Sports Reporters.

    I had a ‘friend’ who would always refer (sarcastically) to her husband as Mister Wonderful (with an accompanying eyeroll).

    it didnt register too much with me until I was married and I had that AH HA! moment of realizing that’s not whom I wanna surround myself with either.

    yours in digressing,

    Miz.

  18. Im entirely a you too one and I need to think about this post.

    if someone tells me I look nice I have to respond with a you too.

    thank you MizFit!!!

  19. If the Bag Lady ever gets a compliment, she’ll try to remember this post and accept it gracefully. Without turning beet red and denigrating herself.
    Really. If she ever gets one again. (She had one once and didn’t know what to do with it….)

    Great post, Miz – the Bag Lady needs some serious work in this area – she constantly compares herself to others and always finds herself lacking.

  20. Miz you are so right. I recently decided a very close friend of 10 years was someone that I could no longer be around. She was going backwards trying to recapture her 20’s, and never had anything nice to say about her husband. I’m trying to move forward and embrace my family! I realize that I want to be around women that appreciate and love their husbands, because unfortunately negativity breeds! FAST! It’s hard to make these choices but as I get older I’m learning that it’s not OK to surround myself with unhealthy people. I probably did that when I was younger because it made me feel better about myself (kinda on topic) but no more! Now people like that can drag me down!

  21. Great post topic. When I get a compliment I very rarely say a simple thank you. I usually give a reason (excuse?) for whatever the compliment was for. Working on accepting and giving authentic compliments (not only based on how someone looks) is is all a part of being a healthier, positive person. 🙂

    Hey The Bag Lady, you are funny and I like your posting name. 🙂

  22. Compliments make me blush or at worse make me suspicious. I’m also one of those people who always remember the hurtful things said to her and never the good. What I found helps is: when you receive a compliment, write it down and then post is somewhere so you see them and reaffirm everyday.

    Mizfit is one of the funniest writers I’ve ever read.
    Mizfit is incredibly generous.

  23. (cammy? Thank you. I’m struggling NOT to denegrate you with a butbutbut…)

    B-eautiful
    A-mazingly talented
    G-ives phoenominal support

    L-eaves HILARIOUS comments
    A-ranchwoman extraordinaire
    D-amn straight she’s my strangerfriend
    Y-owza she strong from them ranchtasks.

    (*whizzzz of white flying by which is the GAUNTLET Miz hath thrown down with her flying typing thumbs *daring* BL to refuse the compliment*)

  24. Thank you for this. It is a great lesson and one most of us need to learn. And to be reminded of from time to time. I know many people who think saying they don’t deserve compliments is the proper response. Others simple don’t know what to do with them. The latter are sad, but the former take all my control to not respond with phrases involving suggestions of removing themselves for self-pleasurement.
    It takes a while to learn how to be gracious in the face of compliments, but it is a lesson worth learning.

  25. I’m kinda famous around the gym for just saying whatever pops into my head. Like, last week I went up to one of the new bootcamp recruits and said “Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but you have a great butt; I wanna know what exercises you do to get that!” She laughed and accepted the compliment graciously. (And showed me a couple of new exercises.)

    It really is a pain when you compliment somebody and then get subjected to a long speech about how wrong you are.

  26. why THANK YOU Anya.
    I try to live my life with the *backdrop* of do unto others.

    (Now, please to read this like Will Ferrel ala his Spartan cheerleader days on Sat. Night Live:)

    We love the mamma!
    The Dragonmamma!
    She AVOIDS THE DRAMA
    The DRAGONMAMMA.

    She says nice stuff.
    She is so buff.
    She real sincere!
    We glad she here!

    *clapclapclap*

    Miz, who shall allow herself to compliment herself and say she should win a THUMBTYPING award.

  27. Have I told you, lately, how much I love you?

    Actually, it’s not just women who have trouble with compliments. I took to calling my husband Gorgeous (well, he IS…) simply because he was SO BAD about accepting compliments. I made him go through the “you are deranged for thinking so” every single time I spoke to him for the better part of two YEARS before he just accepted that yes, he is, and yes, I think so, and NO, I’m NOT going to SHUT UP ABOUT IT, so just deal with it and move ON.

    I’m getting better with compliments myself, although I’m still UBER critical about my own writing skill… I never write as well as I want to write, or as well as I think I should be able to, so often I get a little weirded out when people think I’m a good writer (and so many people do, I ought to just start BELIEVING THEM!! because honestly, there cannot be that many deranged people in the world! And you are certainly NOT one of them. Deranged, I mean.)

    I’m working compliments the same way I’m working so many other things in my life. Fake it til ya make it.

    So, you don’t think you deserve the compliment. So what? Smile, say thank you. Pass along the love. You may not need to reciprocate immediately to the person who stopped you at the bank to tell you they LOVED your hoodie, but you can compliment at least three other people in that day! Makes everyone’s lives a little better!

  28. I loved this one!!!! I got a great compliment from my mom yesterday. She was here and just kept staring at me …..eventually she had a tear in her eye. When she finally got her thoughts together she told me that when she saw me it felt like she was looking at me as a teenager…..her little girl again. She said she can’t believe how the weight loss had taken years off of me. At first I didn’t know what to say but then I gave her a hug and with a tear in my eye too (as this journey is an EMOTIONAL one) I thanked her and told her I loved her…….thanking her for her support all these years……..even the really fat ones 😉

    Compliments are so wonderful and when you know it’s sincere, there’s nothing better.

  29. Love the Bag Lady acronym! I second every point!

    I used to be so horribly shy that the thought of talking to anybody I wasn’t related to used to send me into fits of anxiety. HOWEVER I soon learned the power of the compliment. I am always observant, so it’s easy for me to spot positive traits in others and flag them up. I learned fast that this is a really good ice-breaker, even if they do brush it off or do themselves down, I firmly believe that the little grain of positivity will weedle its way in there. It’s good for me, it’s good for the recipient. Everyone’s a winner!

    A false compliment, or one with an ulterior motive, is a completely different beast though… :0(

    TA x

  30. Miz you are AMAZING for not giving us nonUSA people another VOTE post.

    I believe in voting but since I cant in your election…

  32. Funny how women can truly be hard on one another – jealous and stuff – I really don’t think men are like that to one another. Wonder why we are so different? Men probably just don’t care…or don’t notice.

  33. In the past when I’d get a compliment I’d always have to follow it up with reasons why I didn’t deserve it.

    Like: “You look great. Did you lose some weight?”

    Me: “No, it’s probably just the shirt I’m wearing.”

    You know what I mean. Then I realized that all I needed to say was a simple “Thank you.” It actually makes me feel better about myself.

    Great post, Miz!

  34. I entirely know what you mean, supermommy (whose entire moniker is a selfbestowed compliment. I LOVE IT).

    you just described my 20’s.

    Miz.

  35. What a great message!! It’s certainly something I’ve “evolved” with. If I have any doubt what to say, “Thank you” has been very useful 🙂

  36. Hangry Pants – thank you – that was very sweet of you!

    Miz – now I am blushing like mad! Thank you.

    TA – thanks to you too.

    (there, how’d I do? And honestly? I am blushing!)

  37. I love the post (as I too have a penchant for complimenting strangers), and the getting rid of friends who make you feel bad about yourself, but what happens if that person is your sister?

    I’ve managed to get rid of the other negative people, but can’t figure out how to avoid/handle her.

  39. This is SO TRUE. I will say, I’ve gotten a little bit better at taking compliments as I get older (since it’s all the time…hahahaha, J/K), but I still have a hard time giving them. I will to my close friends and family, but I have a hard time with people I don’t know because I’m afraid they’ll give me that “crazy lady” look. So today, I’m going to give a compliment to someone I don’t know (maybe not a total stranger….I’ll work up to that one!). Thanks for making me think about this, Miz!

  40. this, holly, SO INTERESTING TO ME:

    I still have a hard time giving them. I will to my close friends and family, but I have a hard time with people I don’t know because I’m afraid they’ll give me that “crazy lady” look.

    although now that I type that I realize I just feel the CRAZY LADY FEAR and do it anyway.

    perhaps because, as I stroll around town in my over the knee socks and smattered with rub on tattoos, I GET THAT LOOK REGARDLESS.

    Tricia2? I need to email you privately BUT one word: redirect.

    kiki? I know. and yet that is kinda hard huh? the THANK YOU and then sitting with the compliment (at first anyway. then I hope we (the royal) learn to bask in it for a moment)

    ok

    LIFE CALLS.

    Miz.

  41. Love this! It’s always embarassing and awkward to give someone a compliment and have them turn around and throw it in your face, even though they have no intention of doing that. Oftentimes its simply being aware of what we’re doing that can help us to learn how to properly respond. Just imagining how we ourselves would feel if someone did what we are doing.

    I’ve never been all that good at handling a compliment- but now I just go for the simple “thanks” and appreciate it, realizing that there’s no guilt in feeling good because someone paid me a compliment. We ought to be proud of our accomplishments and pleased when people recognize them. And we definitely ought to show our recognition of other peoples’ accomplishments!

  42. A great post!
    There are quite a few gifted people her that convey their thoughts in ways that are truly heartfelt.

    Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but it also is in the one that reads this prose.

    Everyone have one hell of a great day.

  43. I love this post – we should teach girls when they are young to accept compliments and not brush them off and to compliment each other rather than be catty. I love hw you put it – “there is room for everyone.”
    That said, my compliment to you: You are wonderful, Mizfit.

  44. This is such a wonderful tip. When I first started going to the gym I felt really threatened by the fit women running at top speed on the other treadmills. I still have to fight the feeling of inferiority. It’s great to remember that there’s enough fabulousness to go around!

    I’m also not very good at accepting compliments, but I do know how awkward it makes me feel when a compliment I give is brushed off.

    Great post!

  45. “there is room for everyone.”

    and while it wouldnt be my personal tagline it is a great mantra if you stumble off the I BELIEVE IN ME PATH onto the bumpy side road of FRICK I SUCKETH selfdoubt.

    if you spy someone succeeding in an arena you LONG TO SUCCEED IN (whatever it is!) & arent there yet.

    “there is room for everyone.”

    M.

  47. Thanks for this post today. My husband and I were just talking about this on the way to work. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. I have to quit telling people how much I paid for an item of clothing I get compliments on but I’m really proud of my bargains!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and for the encouragement. It’s women like you that make turning 40 something to look forward to!

  48. Oooh, I have many fave posts of yours but this is definitely my new favorite! Being gracious (in the face of failure, in the face of defeat, in success, in excitement, and even in the face of gratitude) is such an important skill. Done the right way, it can really bring people together. I firmly believe that we love whom we serve (and not necessarily the other way around) and allowing others to express their good intentions is one way to serve and to let them lift us up too. Okay, I’m making no sense. Love your post. Love your tips. Thank you!

  49. how did you know i needed some work on this front? really miz, you are spot on with all your posts. me loves the good thoughts!

  51. I know, I know, I post the same type comment almost daily, but wow, another great post from Miz.
    THANK YOU. Can’t say enough how GRATEFUL I am for you and your post. Keep up the good work.

  53. I got so tired of coming up with excuses as to why the complimentor was wrong, that I finally gave up and just started saying “thanks! I appreciate that!”

    The other day my mom kept gushing on and on about how “little” I look now that I finally just said “Yay me!” That seemed to satisfy her!! I wouldn’t necessarily recommend saying that every time you get a compliment, but being gracious and grateful makes the other person feel good as well.

  55. Love this post and I need a refresher, so thank you MizFit!

    I agree with the commenter about surrounding yourself with positive people. It makes all the difference and after a while, when you meet negative people they stand out (like they are glowing red or something), because positive energy is the norm.

    About teaching our daughters…since so many of us feel the same way, I’m guessing we learned it. How can we pass on something different? It sounds easy enough, but I think this is something deeply ingrained in me. I’d welcome suggestions.

  56. There was a time when I had trouble accepting compliments – no matter what the compliment. Years later I know I work hard and deserve them! So I learned to say thank you without feeling like I have to give an immediate compliment back. I say be gracious in that moment and the time will come some day to “give back.”

  57. I liked the post, but have gotten over the “learn to accept a compliment” hurdle 😉
    However, what amanda said (comment #3) really resonated with me and it ties into what Miz said about feeling threatened by other women who are sucessful. I need to stop comparing myself to others. Hmmm.. I think this needs to become a post…

  58. it has definitely gotten easier to take a compliment the older i get. i think i have way more respect and appreciation for myself now than i did 10 or 15 years ago and i think that has a lot to do with it.

    still…there are days when i find myself trying to “brush off” compliments. i think that has more to do with not wanting to feel conceited about something or to cover my own awkwardness.

    great post! i will definitely be working on this one!

    btw….my fav compliment anyone ever bestowed upon me was when i was 9mos preggo and feeling huge! a woman at the grocery store stopped to tell me how great i looked and how she loved my outfit (only one that fit that i wore everyday for 2 weeks!!:))

    hey usa….get out the vote today!!

  60. After many years with an abusive husband, i couldn’t take a compliment in any way shape or form!! I still have a hard time accepting them most of the time but i’m slowly starting to believe some of them 😉

  62. Great post! I came to the same kind of compliment realization a few years ago. I realized that every time someone complimented me, I came back with a disparaging remark (about myself or whatever) to deflect the compliment. Now, I try to come back with a simple thank you and take a compliment for the nice thing that it is. Great tips on accepting a compliment with grace!

  63. Mizfit, another gem from you! In my twenties I would have agreed with you but secretly felt I was an exception and of course less beautiful-smart-talented-fit-whatever and then I’d silently say all the negative stuff in my head…. but now that I’m nearly 40, I’m comfortable with accepting compliments. I don’t always agree with them, but I “assume the intent” of the complimenter is to give me a compliment, not to make me tell her/him how I don’t live up to said compliment… after all, when I compliment someone (btw, I also “lack internal monologue” and give compliments all the time), I actually mean it.

  64. you heard the woman, People.

    Please to CLICKCLICKCOMPLIMENT to Suzie’s blog so she can practice.

    Miz.

  65. My mother is one of those people always not being good enough. If she makes a meal that tastes great, she always says it’s “missing something,” or it’s not as good as usual. I grew up seeing this, and it seems like it got worse in recent years. I caught myself doing that for awhile – always apologizing for *everything* and never feeling like anything was quite enough. I’ve gotten better though, I think, and now believe people when they say something nice. (Except when my husband compliments my cooking, because I don’t think he ever *really* likes what I cook unless it’s dessert.)

    Giving compliments? Give freely, but honestly.

    Yesterday, I walked into the library with my hair in a long braid and over one shoulder. The lady who does story hour at the library looked at me and said, “Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair!” Then when I told her that was my favorite story as a child, she said it fit, because I had the face of a princess! Best compliment I’ve had in a long time!

  66. I really liked this post.
    I found it hard for a long time to accept compliments…I’d try and deflect them or belittle them somehow.
    I’ve found now that I smile and accept them for what they are and say thanks, I’m more able to randomly give them to people.
    It was my goal this year to eb more positive and give compliments, even to strangers, when I felt they were due.
    It’;s amazing how much happiness you can spread with a few words!

  67. Great post. I am horrible at receiving compliments, and I know it. I now try to mumble a thank you at least, but I never thought about how it makes the complimenter feel.

    I like the comment that a compliment does not detract from me. It’s funny that some people tend to look for fault in others to make themselves feel better. Just because you look great, are smart, etc does not make me fat and stupid.

  68. Isn’t it weird that complimenting someone else always makes me feel SO much better about myself unless they make one of those remarks– “I’m still overweight” “it’s DYED” etc etc etc– that I think many of us do because we believe putting ourselves down is a good way to relate to other people and seem more likable. But when other women do it to me it actually makes me feel like crap most of the time, like, “Do you think I really need to hear that from you? What kind of person do you think I am?”

    I love the toddler analogy. I want to hear more people say, “You know what? I’m so glad you noticed because ____.”

  69. or, tfh, what if you launched into the every popular (around here):

    WATCH ME!!! WATCH ME!!

    post compliment and merely displayed your myriad other gifts.

    How priceless would *that* be?

    Off to display my (lackoflanguage) gifts @ Mommy & Me Spanish.

    Miz.

  70. SO true.
    Back in the beginning of high school, before I was self-conscious, someone complimented me for taking compliments well! But it actually backfired because, of course, she made such a big deal about it that I felt like I was doing it wrong…ever since I’ve been not so great. But I’ll definitely work on it, what a great post to remind us!
    And its soso true that I’m afraid to give compliments for fear of being “that crazy lady,” which is weird because any compliments I receive from strangers make me feel SO great!

  71. i love this post! one of my biggest pet peeves is people who don’t know/aren’t able to accept compliments.

    here’s my theory…you should thank the person bestowing the compliment if for no other reason than that it’s the polite thing to do. your job is not to make the other person feel like a big dope for liking your new hair color or thinking you play the cello better than anyone they’ve ever known. you can ruminate on the reasons why you don’t agree with them later on. but most definitely not at that particular moment.

    that is all.

  73. In my younger days, I can never take a compliment without brushing it off. Now I also just look at the person, say thank you and leave it at that, even when I do not believe that I deserve it. But sometimes even I start to believe the compliment. I never hesitate to compliment another woman. We all need the confident boost that comes from a compliment.

  74. Wow! What a great post! It took me a while to learn that I am allowed to accept compliments, and believe, every once in a while, that maybe they actually DO mean it! Like, maybe, some days, my hair IS looking fly. I am also working on giving people more compliments; I feel like I am so good at pointing our faults. I really need to start jumping onto the whole complimenting bandwagon.
    I really really liked reading this post. Thanks

  75. I think I’ve gotten pretty good – well at least better than OK at accepting compliments, even when I can feel myself starting to cringe inside and want to brush it off.

    And one of my “New Year’s Resolutions” this year was specifically to learn to give more compliments. Not just made up stuff because that’s not really sincere, but if I genuinely was thinking nice things about someone – their clothes, or a new hairdo, or something they’ve done to make sure to open my mouth and actually say something.

    Thanks for this, great topic and it’s a nice reminder for me today.

  76. Thanks Miz. Graciously accepting a compliment is something I definitly struggle with. Now I have some good answers ‘stored’ in my head in case I need them!

  77. I’m working on not self-denigrating. I was just competing with a good friend for a new assignment at work, and when we found out that we were both going for it, I went on and on about how I thought she deserved it and I wasn’t as qualified as she, rather than focusing on what I *knew* I had to offer. She said “thanks, I hope I get it too.” I can definitely learn from her!

    (In the end, they decided they want us to share it. So we both won!)

  80. I had a friend (ex-friend now) who didn’t understand the room for everybody thing. She was constantly putting other girls down (to make herself feel better, maybe) and it was just so so UGLY to see/hear. Anyways, I dumped her a$$.

    Anywhoooooo this is a great post AS USUAL MizFit. And I also want to say that it would be a nicer world if we can accept AND give more compliments.

  81. I understand exactly what you mean, Charlotte. (#48).

    Sometimes, the nicest thing you can do for other people is allow them to be nice to you. This goes beyond accepting compliments. It means letting other people pick up things that you drop, hold the door open for you, etc.

    I get a warm, fuzzy, feeling when I have the chance opportunity to help someone else, and it would be selfish to deny others the same feeling. This meshes with the “random acts of kindness” discussion we all had a while ago.

  82. oooh which all kind of ties into one of my fave movies (waitforit) Bruce Almighty where G-d (played by the fab Morgan Freeman) tells Bruce (Jim Carrey), essentially, that G-d wont give us the ABILITY to accept compliments (wink) s/he will give us the opportunity to LEARN to accept compliments.

    throw your shoulders back today. smile. let the compliments flow your way and practice accepting them gracefully.

    Miz, who garnered no compliments this morning with her Tornado’s behavior at Mommy & Me Spanish—-but you’ll have that.

  83. Have to run soon, so once again I’m commenting before I’ve read everyone else’s…

    Tips for Giving:

    #1. Compliment sincerely. And frequently.
    #2. Leave at the compliment. Don’t feel the need to self-deprecate at the same time. It takes the focus off the complimented and returns it you/me. And compliments are so not about you/me.
    #3. Compliment with a smile.

    In the locker room, I’m frequently telling someone that I noticed how they did something fabulous. Or how they are one of my gym heroes (all the folks rehabbing after a stroke or surgery are automatically my heroes.). Ya know, the fact that somebody noticed makes them smile.

    It’s often the small stuff that means the most to the person getting the compliment: they have a nice smile, I love their shoes, their kid displays great manners (OK, that’s a big one for any parent!). And most importantly that somebody noticed them and acknowledged it.

    Your tips for accepting a compliment are right on!

  84. YES YES YES YES YES.

    We all need this.

    And now if you’ll permit my stepping up on my soapbox . . .

    When we allow ourselves to be threatened by the skills of another woman, we (women. sorry guys. you can be honorary feminists, if you like) make life that much harder on ourselves. It’s hard to convince men (and by men, I mean the world, culture, and Patriarchy in general. again, sorry, fellas. nothing personal) that we’re worthwhile (i.e. shouldn’t be beaten, ridiculed, shoved aside, or even paid less) when we’re busy tearing each other down so that we don’t feel threatened.

    ::steps off soapbox::

    That said, I need to practice my compliment reception skills. Like a lot 🙂

  85. Oh, this is great. But oddly enough, it was an entirely different rationale that taught me to accept a compliment and not brush it off. I was not at a point in my life where I could bring myself to believe ANYTHING good about myself, and constantly brushed off compliments.

    But.

    My grandma was VERY Southern, and they’re big on Manners-with-a-capital-M down there. She paid me a compliment one day, and I brushed it off, and she got very stern. She told me that it was Bad Manners to brush off a compliment – that it was basically telling someone that they were wrong about something, and that’s rude, no matter what the context. You shouldn’t ever tell people (literally or figuratively) that their opinion doesn’t count. Ever.

    I definitely internalized that, and in the interest of Manners, learned to say nothing but “Thank you” to compliments that came my way. And honestly, it was HARD because I really thought I was worthless, and saying “thank you” just seemed like misrepresenting myself as someone worthwhile. But I did it anyway. And the really weird thing was that, as time went on, it got easier to say. And then it got easier to believe.

    Funny how sometimes things like that sort of come in through the back door. At least for me. 🙂

  86. As always, a great post , Miz. And as often happens, I found a new blog to enjoy because I followed your instructions to go to Suzie’s blog to give her a compliment. My gosh she is hilarious!

  87. so many thoughts (and a big OVERARCHING why do women need to knock each other down with a thick layer of WHEN THEY DO IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU. It’s about them dolloped on top).

    thanks to all of you (especially suzanne) for sharing.

    you are all fabulous, smart, strong, witty, snarky and bumbling.

    whats that you said?

    thank you?

    YOURE SO WELCOME.

    Miz.

  89. Miz? book.
    it’s all here already.
    I was in the industry and am no longer but have you pitched this?

    ebook?

  90. I just say “Thanks” and give what I hope looks like a humble and embarrassed blush, all while secretly thinking, “Yeah. I rock.” 😉

  91. way love this post. also love “snarky.”
    My autistic tornado gives me lots of opportunities of this nature. He very often totally ignores my presence even when I KNOW i’m super-fun. He chooses to do his own-little-world thing instead of recognizing my snarkiness. It took me a while to learn that it isn’t that he doesn’t like my game, it’s just that he likes his own. Mine’s good too. Then to take that same concept out into the real world, well, that was life-changing. It isn’t that my hubby doesn’t want to be with me, it’s just that he does want to go fishing…it isn’t that the publishing company didn’t like my book, it’s just that they liked another (this time)…and on and on!

  92. Well, I know that the whole giving and receiving compliments is more likely to occur between women, but I’ve got a story of one guy giving another guy a compliment that actually went over quite well.

    I tend to have a workout schedule that gets me to the gym the same time every day I decide to work out. So, I see the same people over and over and over again. Well, there was this one guy who use to do quite a few things wrong with regards to his workout. And the results confirmed this.

    One day, I noticed that he had been successful in making a significant weight loss, so I decided to give him a compliment cause I saw how hard he had worked and how focused he was.

    Long story short, he said thank you very graciously and wasn’t uneasy about the situation, although it seemed as though it was somehow looming unspoken, somewhat of a third character in the conversation. We continued to talk about how he had loss the weight and I told him that if he ever needed advice he could post on my blog.

    I was shocked at the situation because you’re right Miz. People just really get unnerved when receiving compliments, especially guys.

    Anyways, thanks for the pointers! I’ll make sure to use it as a checklist next time I get a compliment.

    All the Best,

    Andrew R

  93. Oh MIZ! I so needed this. I may come back to it time and time again. I do not take compliments well, mostly because my self confidence keeps me from believing that anyone could think of me in “that” light or that the person giving the compliment just does it to be nice not because he/she gives a damn.

    I need to get over that. I need to give the compliment and the giver the respect that they deserve and I need to understand that others do not see my faults the way I do. Thank you again!

  94. WOW I loved this post Miz! I suffer with the not accepting and being all whatever. Are you blind, kinda thing?! Thanks

  95. VIV? there’s a special treat in store should you STOP the next time someone compliments you, pause, ask em to HOLD PLEASE, whip this post out of your pocket and read it back at them withoutstoppingtobreathe.

    comedy gold.

    THANKS for the male insight Andrew R/for taking the time to share.

    Josha? a friend with her own autistic tornado once told me that the GREATEST GIFT one could give an autistic family is to offer to babysit.
    I so wish I lived closer to you—-you are an amazing woman.

    runjess? TOO FUNNY. and true.

    yvonne? from your fingertips to a literary agent’s ear. right now Im not thinking ebook as, honestly, Im barely keeping the balls I have *going* in the air…

    Miz.

  96. What I’ve noticed is that us men are way too shallow to think about someone else unless we are “checking them out.” – girls of course.. hehe
    But women are so damn hard on other women. Especially when it comes to appearance.I see what you mean on the “threatened” perception.
    It’s refreshing to know that you tell others how they are doing.- If it is a compliment of course.. That small beautiful blurp to another may lift them out of that fog..
    Good for reminding us all.. The Miz is so wise, she is…

  97. Awesome post Miz!! I too give lots o compliments but when people have trouble accepting them I’m too self absorbed to let it bother me. 🙂 On the flip side, I sometimes diminish a compliment that is given to me so I will have to try to get better at the receiving.

  98. I’m so, so far behind… 🙁

    This is great advice, all of it. I, too, was older than I should have been before I realized that someone else being good at something didn’t mean I wasn’t, or that my being good at it lost value. I still struggle with that sometimes, I hate to admit.

    And I am terrible at accepting compliments. I always tend to assume they’re “just being polite”, and don’t mean it, and so I figure if I take it at face value they’ll be thinking, “Wow, did she think I was SERIOUS?” or something like that. Or I’m afraid of looking arrogant. But I’m working on getting better at that, because regardless of any of that, it’s nice of them to give the compliment, and they deserve a sincere thanks. And I guess in the long run, I do deserve to let myself feel good about the compliment too. (I think that’s the part that I have trouble with. Ahem.)

    Wonderful advice…beautifully put…and very timely!

    V.

  99. Hi there,

    I have a good one- whilst journeying to lose weight (pre-baby) the first time I received a compliament along the lines of “Gee, you’ve lost weight! You must be into a size 16 now!!”

    I was wearing a size 12…. I didn’t know how to respond so I just said thanks…

    hmmm

  101. Ash? that is classic and, as those who roll with the Miz in real life can attest, completely something which would happen to me.

    (I was with Ren Man once car shopping & the salesman congratulated me on expecting. I chose to believe he mean EXPECTING A NEW VEHICLE.)

    and Marianne? you’ll always be #100 in our eyes.

    M.

  103. I love this post. Thank you for your advice and experience based examples.

    I’ve been working on this with my BF for a while because I’ve been informed that I don’t “hear it” when people compliment me. I am only listening for the “but” or where I could/should do better. We’re working on it. Some days are harder than others. He’s started putting my compliments in writing so I can’t disregard them as easily.

  105. “…many times women are hard on other women because they feel threatened (& are simultaneously too damn hard on themselves as well…”- Oh man. Guilty and guilty. You nailed this one. I definitely need to work on not being my worst enemy at times. I certainly need to learn how to accept compliments better as well.

  106. I, like all of those above, am horrible with accepting compliments. When I do get them, I do the gasp of horror and shock and tell the person that they’re obviously wrong. Well, not outright, but in the thanks-but-no-thanks type of category.

    Just the other day one of the women I work with told me that I was looking slim and skinny in the outfit I was wearing (no idea what it was at this time) and I think I said “uh…..thanks….but I have so much left to work on!” Why on earth could I not just say thank you!? It astounds me at my complete obliviousness and callous response to people when they compliment me.

    I could SLAP myself sometimes. And not in your catchphrase-SLAP kind of way.

  107. This is a great post- we were just talking about a similar thing in church on Sunday, about how women are so hard on themselves. And it really got me thinking; at first I thought I’m pretty good at accepting compliments. But then I realized that a lot of times I brush them off. I get a lot of compliments on my hair (because it’s long), so even though it’s a new person giving a similar compliment to one I’ve received before, I don’t treat it as “new” compliment, and express gratitude accordingly (does that make sense at all?).

    And if someone compliments what I’m wearing, I’ll tell them where I bought it or how much I paid for it (to sort of take attention away from myself, I guess).

    Which is weird, because a lot of times I have the opposite problem of fishing for compliments (yes I’m one of *those* people). I think in some ways I rely too much on the compliments of others to boost my self-esteem. How do you deal with that issue (that’s probably an entirely separate post, but maybe fodder for discussion on another day)?

    I do have to say that I graciously accepted an awesome compliment today from a guy at work, who was truly astonished when he found out I was turning 31. He said I don’t look that “old”. And since he’s young, it meant a lot, and I told him thank you very much.

  108. absolutely loved reading this! and i loved the “THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYONE” part. definitely need to learn not to feel like a FAILURE because someone else SUCCEEDED.

    i definitely agree that women are too hard on themselves. i remember reading somewhere that because of this fact, it is much “better” to have a male boss because female bosses are much harder on those under them because they are hard on themselves. i have a female boss and i definitely see the truth in this!

  109. Haha, awesome post!!

    I have often embarrassed myself telling female strangers in the grocery store, or Banana Republic, or wherever, that they’re gorgeous only to get an awkward stare or mumble in return. How’s about a “thanks” or just a smile?

  110. Good post Miz. I am getting better at accepting compliments, but it is not something that comes naturally.

    I wear a compression sleeve on my right arm for my lymphoedema though and one of the fashion trends lately is to wear long sleeved gloves, or just the sleeve. I have had to put a couple of people at ease after they started out saying “oh what a cool sleeve”, only to stutter to a stop when they realized it wasn’t there for fashion purposes. Those that don’t realize it, I just say thank you to.

  111. Hey, you were peeking inside my brain, weren’t you? Great post.. and clearly one that touches many of us. I’m finding that just the act of blogging is a good lesson in learning how to accept a compliment. People are very kind with their comments. I liked your point that brushing off the compliment is denigrating the giver. I never quite thought about it that way before. I shall from this point onward. Thanks for that.

  112. This post (like this day, in general) has left me speechless. What an extraordinary gift you’ve just given all your readers. Thank you! (Are you accepting of that compliment?!) Better!

  113. back and reading all the additional thoughts (as I was glued to the TV last night watching election returns. THANK YOU AMERICA FOR MAKING THIS AN ELECTION WHICH IS OVER IN ONE DAY AND NOT DEBATEDLINGERING. There’s a compliment for the whole USA whether or not your ‘team’ won.)…

    Miz.

  114. After reading The Secret it helped me to understand that we can all have it all..and like you said someone else having it doesn’t mean you can’t.

    I also decided that taking a compliment is a reflection of myself… I don’t really appreciate it when someone ignores a sincere compliment that i try to give and accepting one definitely makes you feel better than brushing it off!!

    Though some are harder…like the recent OH MY GOD your wedding was so horrific, I would have lost my mind, but not you. You must be a saint, I just admire you for being so calm….
    It’s a compliment, but one I’d rather not have a reason to receive. 🙂

  115. It’s pretty unfortunate that people need a primer on how to handle a compliment, but I know that it’s true. I’ve found that a simple “Thank you!” works as a good response, rather than trying to be self-deprecating.

  116. So GREAT advice! I find it hard to take a compliment and have to remember to be gracious and that pats on the back are nice, not a reason to point out why you aren’t great.

  117. This is one of my worst.traits.ever. And you’re so right about the toddler-compliment-acceptage. When I compliment mine, he smiles cheekishly and says, (the word builds up in volume) “YYYYYYYYAH!!!”

    As in, Yup! Of course! And he stands there with his chest out like a big rooster.

    Not that I would do that. But if I could find at least a halfway point between rooster and “youcaughtmeforoncenotbeingafailure” then I’d be great! I really do have to work on this.

  118. i need to print out that list 🙂

    Also – A-BLOODY-MEN on the “one woman’s success does not inhibit or mean that they cant be successfulamazing, too.”

    I think this blogging caper is a particularly kickass example of the power of supporting each other rather than feeling threatened. supporting each others blogs and endeavours, sharing the linky lurve, etc… it works so well and i wish people would do more of it off the computer 🙂

  119. I am sooo behind on my Miz reading!

    This post was like reading my horoscope 3 days late. It applied today.

    The B-fly must learn to just say ” Thank you”. Not complicated, but I am so guilty of the ” thank you but (insert putmyselfdown here).

    Thank you, Miz =)

  120. I’ve thought about this post for the past few days and how it relates to my weight loss goals. Some of the women that are closest to me in my life are threatened every time I start to lose weight — especially my mother. It’s beyond aggravating — I start to get to a healthy weight and she acts like I’m extreme beyond belief (I’m not) or that I’m crazy. It’s motivated by her own insecurity, I’m starting to realize, and that I’m going to have to pursue my goals and just say to HELL with what she thinks.

    Thanks for the great post.

  121. Hi. Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.
    I am from France and also am speaking English, please tell me whether I wrote the following sentence: “All rights reserved best interest to group these positions by category a functional resume.”

    With love :-(, Zach.

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