Monday Facetime: Softening the Self-Definition.

by


OK, whatcha got for me?

How will you soften your attachment to your self-definition today?

How will you make it a week filled with,“This is *so* not the norm for me, but…”

Did you, too, read the book Yes Man prior to seeing the movie & find you liked the *latter* far better?

You know what to do and you know where I’ll join you…

POSTS BY EMAIL

Never miss a post. Enter your email to get my latest posts delivered to your inbox.

Comments

  1. This is great advice. We all need to say yes more. We get so used to our comfort zones that we do not really realize how stuck in a rut we are. Saying yes more is a great way to break free and find a new freedom. My wife @smartrant is a certified yoga instructor if you have any questions. Thanks for another great post.

  2. I like this. I think this week I will go see a movie alone. I don’t tend to loove movie-going, but people tell me that going to see one alone is almost therapeutic. I’ll give it a go!

  3. Hi Miz,
    Great stuff to think about. I think that sometimes, we say “yes” too much – essentially causing our lives to become so full that we don’t have time to do the things we really desire to. That said, I’ll take your point today as one of saying “yes” to really challenge ourselves. And that is good.

    My “this is so not the norm” is that I will be running a basketball tournament this coming weekend. And this week is all about getting prepared for it – and then “living it” on the weekend.

    Have some fun with the yoga!!

  4. Hmmmm. I think I do try to step out of my comfortzone often but you now have me thinking that when I do it is a recognized step.

    It is a step out only to RETURN to my selfdefinition.

    I really like your notion of softening my attachment ot he definition as that feels like a permanent change/shift not a one time thing.

  5. Where are you in that video??

    Is that your house?

    Today I am going to stop and listen at work. I have been thinking a lot (thanks Miz! you’re making me think too much) about how I speed through my day to get home and don’t hear much of what my coworkers are saying about non-work things.

    I am going to work on my self-definition of my job bing just a job and get to know the people I work with.

  6. I knew we were similar!
    I saw the movie YES MAN first and really enjoyed the idea so I bought the book.

    In the book it came across as though he were saying yes to get out of taking any sort of control over his life not to have new expereinces.

    is that what you thought as well?

  7. Wow. That is a great idea. I don’t think I would have even been open to stepping outside of the boundaries I created for myself a few years ago, but I’ve been surprising myself lately 🙂

    This isn’t something I’m going to do tomorrow, but this week, I’m going to get my hair cut. So sayeth the FLG 😉

  8. Ali? I love what you said and for me as well when I was doing the ‘one thing which scared me each day’ it was a one time thing as well!
    Not an integrating into my selfdefinition.

    So it was all fleeting.

    Evan? Nope not the house. I wish…

    Bea? Interesting you thought that as it’s exactly what I came away with from the book and why I almost skipped the movie.

    In the (nonfiction) book YesMan it almost seemed as tho he was giving up control but in a ‘someone else decide for me please’ way….not in an ‘I’m open to all the world has to offer’ sense.

  9. Interesting. You know how I love challenging myself. Hmmm, how will my soften my attachment to my self definition? I am going to stop talking…well, more than usual. I’m outgoing and always the one initiating conversation, asking questions. I love getting to know people. This week I’m going to be quiet…and listen.

    On my way to group yoga this very minute (hamstring willing)…hope you enjoy your class!

  10. I will not do everything myself, but delegate to others.

    On things that are already delegated, I will trust that the people who have agreed to do them are.

    And I will not obsess over the actions of a friend that are less than friendly.

    Well, for this week, anyway.

  11. I think today I will listen to the students and when they ask if we can _____ today instead of ___, I will say yes. They’ll think I’ve gone crazy.

    Not sure what else i will do to say “yes” this week. Will have to see what comes.

  12. Good morning Miz!!

    I look forward to the facetimes because I feel as though you are talking to me.

    Especially with this one since I’m known to be really rigid.

    I think it helps me to feel in control?

    I’ll be back when I have more time to ponder the challenge.

  13. Hmmm, saying yes more. This is going to sound weird, but how bout when people offer to help me. I almost always say no. That’s probably not what you meant. I’m also going to take the time to listen! I’ve been so wrapped up in self lately that I forget there is a whole world out there with worries and woes, a lot of them worse then mine! nk of some other things.

    To kick off random acts of kindness week, I like letting people go ahead of me at the grocery store.

  14. Nothing new but something I still need to hear.
    Again and again as I find I routinely say no in an effort to avoid interactions.

    Especially in social settings I think.

    One yes today for you MizFit.

    Thank you for the encouragement!

  15. Today I am going to start a running routine. I’ve always defined myself as a non-runner, but I think that it’s time to change that. Thanks yet again 🙂

  16. peeking in from electricity out land (storm).

    Not odd at all, Natalia.
    Its more dificult for many of us to say YES to help than to do it all ourselves (speaks from experience…)

    And RUN BERNI RUN!

  19. Um… have you been talking to my therapist? There was supposed to be this confidentiality thing. 🙂

    I have been hard at work on moving myself out of the comfort zone and I have big plans.

  21. Hi Miz!

    I have to disagree with you. I found the book Yes Man years ago and it completely turned around my world.

    I did see the movie and found it to be a trashy Jim Carrey vehicle.

    Email me because I would like to sponsor this post for you & donate a new copy of the book to a USA winner.

    Is it too late??

    In my opinion the book is that profound.

  22. This was exactly my reaction after seeing the movie for Yes Man. I decided that 2009 would be (another) year of pushing my boundaries because some boundaries are only there because of fear.

    So my “this is SO not the norm for me” has been happening since January. I’m doing the volleyball thing (not loving it but hey) and considering starting up the running thing. I’m also listening to my body more and saying “no” when I need to, which is a huge “SO not the norm for me”.

    I like to think that instead of closing our eyes and saying yes only, we can ask ourselves seriously “why not?” If you can’t find a REAL reason why not, then do it. Why not cut your hair after growing it for 10 years? No reason other than fear? Then do it.

    It’s working for me (except when it comes to the cute boy at work that I want to ask out!)

  23. Ooooh yoga! Can’t wait to hear more on this one! Your video reminded me of something a good friend said to me yesterday. Basically she said we have to be careful to avoid thinking that everybody who does less than I do (of whatever) is a slacker, everybody who does more than I do is a fanatical nut, and everybody who does as much as I do is a sensible moderate.

    Crazy is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose!

  24. Hmm, I don’t get out of the house much so I will only have rare opportunities for this. If I wait. I suppose I could get out of the house more and make them happen. That’s outside the comfort zone for me.
    I’ll give this some thought and see what happens.

  25. I had no idea Yes Man was a book! I’ll have to check it out (have’t seen the movie yet).

    This is a big challenge for me, Miz! I’m very much a creature of habit who lives quite happily in my bubble of comfort. If I was going to start your challenge today, it would mean taking my introverted self out to go bowling with a lot of extroverts tonight. I define myself as an introverted homebody. *sigh* I suppose that really is something I should work on.

  26. I don’t have many limits or boundaries, but there are things I have made a considered decision to leave out of my life.

    For instance…a couple of weeks ago for the first time in my life, I had a female make a pass at me! I said “no thanks” to that life experience.

    Fitness-wise, I’ve tried everything I’ve had the opportunity to try. About the only limitation I have is financial, or I’d be trying a whole lot more.

  27. another great reminder, i may try more yoga at home this week (only done it once before), or maybe take a class… kind good timing b/c my knees aren’t too happy with me… i’ll keep my eyes and ears open for other ideas!

  28. I soooo need this right now. I’m restuck in a rut that I thought I had abandoned a year ago. I am going to focus on things that are so not me, and I think I’ll start right now.

    Thanks Miz – you still da bomb.

  29. Lynne? with regards to this?

    Email me because I would like to sponsor this post for you & donate a new copy of the book to a USA winner.
    Is it too late??
    In my opinion the book is that profound.

    I’ll email you.
    Only too late in that I’m rolling on the handheld and wanna hi-light your RAK/generousity IN the post.

    Longing for an iphone,

    Miz.

  31. Wow, just what I needed to hear on a Monday morning. I hate how quickly the excitement of “new year new you” fades, and you forget all the new changes and challenges you want. I’m definitely going to take this challenge head on!

  32. I’ll have to come up with something… I did have my hair cut today, but I’ve worn it short most of my adult life and it’s only been long for the last 9 months or so. So in a way with my hairstyle I’m moving back to my comfort zone. I’ll find something fun and challenging to do, I promise!

  33. I really like this. It sounds challenging in the right direction and it so action oriented!

    On Saturday I went to a bonafide yoga class- sooo not my norm and I wasn’t blown away. But I went. I will go back even though it is sooo not the norm for me 🙂

  34. Hmm….

    My default mode is “no,” and I only shift to yes when there seems to be a fairly compelling reason.

    It actually works fairly well for me, as a life strategy–as long as I admit when there are compelling reasons to say yes to something new. Will make perhaps a bit more effort to look for them this week!

    (Let’s sing along now: Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited Crab, party pooooper!)

    (Actually, this is a great reminder, thanks!)

  35. Oh, wow, this one is going to be hard. I thought “oh what a great idea!” till I started trying to think of things I could do to step outside my comfort zone. They all sounded, I don’t know, sort of uncomfortable.

    Which is the point, yes? I kind of feel like a five-year-old whose security blanket has to be washed. I am appalled at myself because I keep thinking of things that are not things I would normally do, but also not things that will really take me outside my comfort zone much, either. Like using a dance dvd for the week or something like that. Is that a cop-out? I shall have to do some serious thinking…

    V.

  36. didn’t see the video….but love the message.

    will be stepping out all week. don’t know how or when but i will be looking for the opportunities.

    funny…i am always asking my 5 year old to be more flexible and go with the flow but i don’t think i always set the best example. i think this might just be the exercise i need to help with that.

    thanks for a great start to monday!

  37. It’s wonderful to step outside of our comfort zones. And is so much fun to see how everyone is going to do it!

    I am going to be going to a play at a theater either by myself or with someone I don’t know very well tomorrow night, so that will be interesting. We’ll see what else crops up- possibly calling up people I barely know to make plans.

    This past weekend I was proud of myself for saying NO when the negative/manipulative ex tried to get me to be friends again… can’t have that in my life but normally I’d try to patch things up. Saying no or yes to things we normally would not is important to learning who we really are.

  38. I must be semi-clairvoyant b/c I did something outside my CZ (Comfort Zone) yesterday! I walked on the treadmill – just walking, 4mph, 5% incline, for 40 minutes. I wanted to release some energy but didn’t want to be pounding away in exertion. Hope you love your yoga class – keep an open mind (which I KNOW you have) and relax!

  39. Hah! You just hit on my goal for the year. Living outside my box…

    This week:
    I’m going to a meet-up tomorrow night with other crafters inspite of my voice saying.. it’s dark, it’s “a week night -read “school night”… I don’t know any of these people yet.

    Checking the gym schedule and doing at least one class…

    Remembering how to eat vegetarian for a couple days…

  40. I am going to go easier on myself this week with all the pressure I pile on to keep the house spotless. I will look for other ways to fill in the time and enjoy something new……..I’ll let you know what that is when I discover it.

  41. sagan? good reminder that NO’S are so important and that nothing can be as freeing as setting some boundaries. GO YOU!

    deb? you and I are kindred spirits with regards to the meetup. I tend to go to the ‘…and i need to be up early!” excuse and NEED TO NOT go there.

    have fun. come back and tell us about it.

    and MamaRuns? SO VERY TRUE. I find often Im falling into the do as I say not as I do with the Tornado—-and am working to fight against that.

    speaking of the Tornado….

  42. Oh, right.

    The Bag Lady was ahead of the game last night.

    Tried exercising on one of those stupid exercise balls.

    Definitely outside her comfort zone – especially after she fell off and cracked her head on something and her elbow on something else.

    Go ahead and laugh. The Rancher did.

    She’s going back to her comfort zone, thankyouverymuch.

  43. What a great great great GREAT idea!!! I love how you phrase it: softening our self-definitions.
    I have not seen the movie Yes Man, but I have been thinking a lot lately about being available to accept — which has a lot to do with re-defining myself and opening up to new experiences rather than holding fast onto an “old me” because it’s well-known and perhaps “safe”.
    For instance, I recently got the idea that I would travel — not just dream about travelling while staying safely planted in my room (maybe even planted in front of the TV watching the Travel Channel) — but actually travel. As in “to a different country”. One day, I just had the thought, “Why NOT me? What about this is so not me that it could never happen?” And I suddenly realized that I’m the one who had been making it impossible — not my obligations or my family or my money or any thing else. …
    …And I’m gonig to end the World’s Longest Comment right here. I think you know what I’m saying, anyway. 🙂

  44. I like the idea of this so much, and have several definite plans for myself, starting with going to temple for the first time, in, er, half a year? More than that. I’m already outside my comfort zone today, though, since I forgot a hair tie around my wrist– I NEVER wear my hair down, ugh, and all morning long have been resisting the urge just to hack it all off. Either way: not the norm.

  45. Good for you! Can’t wait to hear how you feel about the Yoga class(you must post about it!!). Stepping outside my self definition hmmmm…I need to think about this one

  46. and to boot, erica, the husband announced he wants to do a PARTNER YOGA day retreat thing (I filmed this a while ago…about a month….he announced this weekend).

    funfunfunPOSTFORSUREfun.

    tfh? is that my kind of temple? I like that I assume anyone who uses the word temple is a tribemember.

    just curious 🙂

    BikiniMe? I adore the long comments and urge you to see the movie. oooh, how fun to do a group showing at Blogher if it’s out on dvd??

    and BL? send the Rancher our way. we’ll chastise him for laughing.

  47. I’ve been in the process of redefining myself over the last year or so. It’s been interesting, because I’ve made certain “no’s” my goals. Things I never thought I’d be capable of doing are things I’ve done or am working toward doing.

    There aren’t a lot of things I say “no” to, except in issues of politics or morality, but as far as pushing my comfort zone, I’ve decided that my boundaries right now are pretty fluid.

    I call it my “broccoli test” How do I know what I can’t do or what I don’t like unless I at least TRY it? I’m amazed at how many things pass the broccoli test.

    One of the next things I’m going to work on is my fear of heights, which is related to my weight. Once I loose the next 100 lbs, I’ll be testing that. My eventual goal is to ride the tramway here in Albuquerque.

    After that, I MAY consider bungee or sky diving. That’s REALLY a press for me though. I’m the kid who used to get vertigo on the see-saw.

  49. Oh like this Miz.
    The phrase of softening my attachment to my self definition makes it seem so gentle and doable.

  50. This post hit home. After spending so much of my life as a people-pleaser and tending to others’ needs and emotions, it has left me feeling empty and taken for granted. I’m now focusing on MY needs and saying no a lot more than I used to. Drawing boundaries and having people respect them is a day-to-day battle but so worth the effort.

  52. My default answer to everything is “No.” Until I take some time and think about it and then I may switch to Yes. But I’m always scared to say Yes right away. Realizing that I have this tendency has made a world of difference.

    The funniest thing is that my 2-year-old is Just Like Me in this almost to the point of caricature. I said to him this morning, “Do you want to go to the playground?” and he screamed “NO!” and threw himself down in anguish. Two minutes later, he had his shoes on and was at the door saying “Come on, Mommy!”

    It’s amazing and scary how our kids can reflect our behaviors like funhouse mirrors…

  53. LOL at nolafwug and the funhouse mirrors comment.

    I am a no’er by nature and it has worked pretty well for me so far in life.
    I’ve been protected and not hurt too often and taken few risks and lost not a lot.

    OH.

    Perhaps I should say yes more often.

    Thanks for the monday facetime

  54. Oh, nolafwug, you sure nailed that one (also chuckling at the “funhouse mirrors” comment).

    Fab Kate: “broccoli test,” I love that. You know, my husband used to be afraid of heights, so he did a tandem sky dive, and he said he hasn’t been afraid of them since. (No more falling-from-high-places dreams anymore, either.) I’m afraid of them myself, but I’m not sure that sky diving is the right cure for me…maybe I’ll try one of those rock climbing places someday…..

    For this week, my “yes” items are trying yoga and consuming “ch-ch-ch-CHIA!” (The seeds, not the pets. 🙂 I drank some in my tea this morning…looked like pond scum but tasted fine, although it tends to glop out around the sides of my mouth…I also liked it in my plain yogurt, but didn’t care for it in soup.)

  56. OK, so then I’m prompted to accept an invite to a group meet I was up in the air about. I will go and be sociable. That’s not a terrible stretch though.

    And I will keep myself open for what might crop up. I’m not saying yes to the Jehovahs Witnesses, though.

  57. Oh, this is timely. I got OFF my online dating site because I was spending WAY too much time on the computer (2 blogs turns out to be a lot! Who knew?). But I’m looking around on the Meetup website for single’s groups and/or other fun groups. So I’m saying yes to learning to be social (at least a little bit) instead of cocooning in my house (which is my natural inclination). 🙂

  58. I’m joining you Marste. At an Austin Mama Blogger thingy. (I mean figuratively. The social part. You won’t be there ;)).

    I love being with Ren Man & the Tornado.

    Must. Get. Outta. Domicile!

  59. i had no idea what i was going to do until i saw comment #2.
    i have NEVER been to a movie by myself.
    and coincidentally, yes man is playing at the dollar theatre.
    maybe i’ll finally find the cajones to be my own date???
    happy monday miz

  60. I need to do something to shake it up.
    I know that routine is good for kids sleep patterns (mama to twins here) and have somehow fallen into it for me too.

    Yes!!!

    here I come….

  61. As silly as it sounds, I like doing little things like changing the route I walk to and from work or getting a different drink at Starbucks, or wearing skirts to work. Whenever I feel myself getting too routinized I go for these small changes-they’re easy and they get me out of my comfort zone a little.

  64. Ok. I am trying.

    I said yes to something very nice that someone wanted to do for me but that normally I would have said, no, that is not me.

    I made the effort to reconnect with my friend, which I suppose kind of is me, but I have been putting things in the way of doing it.

    I made the phone call I really didn’t want to make, because phone phobia is SO me but I don’t want it to be.

    Let’s see what the rest of the week brings.

    • Great job Nina.
      your comment reminded me of the Aristotle quote (paraphrase) that we are that which we do repeatedly.

      and there are a few things I do repeatedly which I must be—–and which I dont not wish to be.
      Miz.

  65. One of the huge positives out of losing my job (still no defined date, but “in a few months”), is that it opens up an excellent opportunity for me to try some of things I’ve always “wished” I could do. I really do feel like my future is bigger than even I can see (borrowing from Oprah).

    Two things I need to work on: 1) asking for help when I need it, and 2) being a bit bolder online. (I will engage all sorts of people in conversation in person, but email and forums? Not so much. Which convinces me I’m truly weird. Not that that’s a bad thing.)

    Thanks again for my glorious prize!

  66. I SKI.

    That’s as far out of my normal comfort zone as possible.

    Is it bad that I look at the video and all I can think about is “God, she has a PERFECT body?”

    🙂

  67. vered-mom–no, its not bad. the woman’s bod is RIDICULOUS. rock on miz.

    great post. really, really struck a cord. putin it on a post-it for me to read each morning. hopefully something interesting will ensure 🙂

  69. Innnnteresting.
    Maybe I’ll check out the movie after all. From the previews, it looked like Jim Carrey had chosen to go for yuks rather than being open to saying ‘Yes! to things — now I need to see what you saw.

    (Though I did like it in the book when he said “Yes!” to the telemarketer, and the prince from Nigeria who needed money, and…)

  70. I said “yes” when my friend asked me to do the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk with her in November. I said “yes” even though I have 175 pounds overweight and will have to work really hard to be in shape enough to do it.

  71. Im back MIz.
    Just to say I said a lot of MAYBES y esterday which for me is a big step toward yes!!

    Bea

  72. I was in a cranky Monday mood when I saw this Facetime yesterday. Took a look at all the things on my to do list, and realized there wasn’t much on there that couldn’t be done today. So, I finished the few things which couldn’t wait, and said “yes” to a bike ride in the beautiful weather, just because it was a beautiful, springlike day. It’s odd to think of playing hooky as being outside the comfort zone, but it took effort.

    Resisted the urge run the list of things I could be getting done through my mind as I pedaled. Didn’t listen to the voice telling me to stop by the post office, or to pick up the few items I’ll need for cooking dinner on Wednesday. Took half the ride to let go of all that stuff, but the 12+ miles back home were marvelous.

    It’s back to regular schedule for me today, but I’m jumping in with a much improved attitude. Thanks for making me rethink the day yesterday.

  74. GREAT food for thought. I actually really liked the Yes Man movie and wasn’t aware of the book. That actually changes the way I think of the movie a bit…

    I am quick to settle into comfort zones so for me doing something outside that zone is important to make happen every so often. Studying and teaching abroad were big deals for me, and I totally came out of those experiences on top. This week I don’t have quite as large an opportunity, but the comfort zone in question would be the boyfriend. It’s easy to want to spend any free time that I have with him, but he’ll be away for a week starting Saturday, and I am going to take advantage to making an effort to hang with people that I don’t normally think to hang with. I don’t ever want to be that girl who falls off the face of the earth because of the boyfriend.

  75. I like that challenge!

    (Speaking of videos not showing up for certain people…your videos used to show up in my feed reader — I use Google Reader — but they haven’t been for the past few weeks. That’s unfortunate in that I usually make an effort to watch them, but if the post doesn’t specifically say there’s a video involved, I might not click over to see.)

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This