First comes love…

by

Karen is a blogger whom I feel Ive known forever. I felt as though we already knew each other (blogging & tweeting) & then we finally met in person at Fitbloggin last spring. This guest post is by-request and I can think of no one wiser or more insightful to have one of the last MizFit posts of 2010. Please to enjoy…

First Comes Love

Yeah, I know it sounds woo woo, but in the healthy body business, I believe love MUST come first. It’s why I started my blog two years ago. It was almost like an experiment. I wanted to see if I could love myself to thinness. Or something like that.

There are theories that suggest it’s possible. The paradoxical theory of change http://www.gestalt.org/arnie.htm states: “change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible.”

And Carl Jung stated: “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

My experience has shown this to be true. And it led me down a very unexpected path.

If you know me well, you know that I’ve spent the past two years in the quest to figure out just what the hell is wrong with me – why couldn’t I just lose the damn weight already? When I first started Before & After: A Real Life Story it was called Why Weight: One Woman’s Journey From Struggle To Acceptance and it was about wanting to lose weight and stop hating my body, in that order.

Mostly I looked inside at emotional issues and in doing so, discovered a lot more than I bargained for. But mostly what I discovered is that at root of all healing is love. Love – not “stop hating” – has to come first.

This is kind of a long story, so bear with me.

Let’s start with this premise:

What if being sick makes you fat and not the other way around? And what it the reason you “eat too much” or “can’t control yourself” or “feel hungry all the time” has nothing to do (at least not directly) with emotions and is not a character flaw (like so many of us were brought up to believe)? Or what if the reason you can’t lose weight and keep it off without a struggle has to do with a physical imbalance?

Ten+ years ago:

  • I weighed ~225 pounds.
  • I didn’t exercise (or if I did, it was sporadic).
  • I was a binge eater.
  • I walked around with a cloud of self-doubt over my head.
  • I was on a statin medication to control my cholesterol.
  • I was on birth control pills and had been for 15 years.
  • I “wanted to lose weight” and had “tried” many times, but it “didn’t work.”

Five years ago:

  • In an effort to once again “try to lose weight” I started a relatively new type of therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique. It was through EFT that I realized that I had been walking around full of self-loathing and with any self-confidence or self-acceptance.
  • Seemingly, the stars aligned and through EFT I found myself wanting to do the “right” things for myself, health-wise.
  • I started exercising.
  • I counted calories and tracked the ratios of protein, carbohydrates, and fat.
  • I lost 55 pounds over the course of 18 months.
  • It was one of the happiest times of my life!
  • I was a weight loss success story!
  • I remained on the statin medication, because even though I had lost weight and was exercising regularly, my cholesterol went back up when I tried weaning myself from the medication.
  • I remained on birth control pills, even though my husband had a vasectomy, because it was “easier” and because my doctor didn’t see any reason to stop.
  • I’d had my gallbladder out.
  • Even though I was “happy,” I was also disappointed and ashamed because, even though I had lost 55 pounds, I hadn’t reached my “goal weight” (which would have required losing 76 pounds).
  • I didn’t trust myself around food.

Two years ago:

  • I’d regained half the weight I had lost.
  • I was once again full of shame.
  • I was still on birth control pills.
  • I was still on the statin medication.
  • My body hurt.
  • I found it hard to exercise, but pushed myself anyway because I had to somehow control the weight.
  • I found myself “white-knuckling” it around food.
  • It seemed that I was hungry all the time.
  • Being hungry made me feel guilty, resentful and angry.
  • I was tired of trying so damned hard!
  • I started blogging.

One year ago:

  • I had been practicing self-acceptance again (and realizing that it is indeed “practice” – not something you get once and forget about).
  • I decided to see a naturopathic physician in my area. I thought she might help me lose weight.
  • Really? I thought there might be a magic pill!
  • She recommended stopping the birth control pills, which I did right away.
  • She wanted to get me off the statin medication, but recommended waiting to address other issues first.
  • The other issues included Lyme disease, Epstein Barr virus, hormone imbalance, thyroid imbalance, adrenal imbalance, and deficiency in certain vitamins, minerals and nutrients.
  • She told me that no, I was not just a lazy slob who couldn’t control herself and had no willpower.

With the naturopath’s help, along with that of a hormone specialist, I started healing. For the first time…ever? I know what a balanced body feels like! I understand that my body/mind/spirit is a holistic system, not a mass of individual symptoms that need to be masked or suppressed.

And so today:

  • I am 48 years old.
  • Although I am not focused on “losing weight” I am.
  • I have lost six inches from my waist in the past year and my body is more toned.
  • I exercise less than I used to and my body doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
  • I eat what I want and I want what I eat (but understand that what I want to eat has changed).
  • That said, no food is “off limits” and eating sugar/carbs does not “set me off.”
  • I take a few supplements, but no prescriptions (except bioidentical progesterone cream and a temporary natural thyroid medication).
  • I am more content and confident.
  • I trust myself and my body to let me know when I am hungry and when I am satisfied.
  • I do not binge.
  • I am not hungry all the time.
  • I am not guilty, resentful or angry.
  • I am love.

At the basis of this balance and healing is the naturopathic approach, which takes into account “mind” and “spirit,” in addition to “body.” The main difference between it and traditional medicine is a willingness to seek out and address root causes, not just symptoms. It’s about getting a body to work as optimally as possible and to look at the reasons why it isn’t. It’s about coming from a place of love and acceptance, not fear or blame.

I’ll give you one example as to how and why my being sick caused me to gain weight, or at the very least, made it difficult for me to lose weight:

Although I had myriad issues, let’s look at the Lyme disease (which I am guessing I had for years and which was hiding in my body). My naturopath told me that Lyme neurotoxins block cell receptor sites, so metabolic processes do not work optimally. Hormones (including thyroid), which also help control metabolic processes, can also be affected by Lyme disease.

My thyroid was slightly “off” but still “in range,” my adrenal system was “labored,” and my stomach was not absorbing necessary vitamins and nutrients. And although it wasn’t obvious to me at the time, I didn’t feel good.

I didn’t notice “not feeling good” right away. There’s obvious “not feeling good” like having a bad stomachache or sore throat, and there’s subtle “not feeling good” (for example, being slightly tired, having achy joints, or being prone to headaches). It was only when Dr. Groves spent two hours with me and specifically asked about…everything…that I realized, “hey, maybe I don’t feel good.”

I had chalked it up to being old and fat…mostly fat. It was a character flaw.

And so what about emotional eating, bingeing, and cravings? How can that be connected? Because my body wasn’t able to get the nutrients it needed and I wasn’t feeling well in that subtle-yet-acceptable way, I turned to food – especially carbohydrates, which release endorphins (natural tranquilizers) – in order to feel better. That’s the coping mechanism I developed as a child. And so one cookie, one small dish of ice cream, one serving of potato chips was never enough…and I was hungry all the time. I felt out of control and pathetic. I was stressed and desperate.

And so the cycle continued.

Although the treatments were unconventional and slower than the traditional approaches, and even though I felt worse before I felt better, I can only come to one conclusion: a holistic approach – which combined my own willingness to accept myself right where I was, naturopathic medicine, and traditional medicine – brought my body into balance.

And as a result, I started losing weight without struggling, without having to “control” myself, without having to count calories, without having lists of “good” and “bad” foods, and without having to exercise to excess. I enjoy all kinds of food. I find pleasure in eating, not guilt. I am relaxed around food. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?

There’s a whole lot more I could say, but I think you get the general idea.

If you’ve been “struggling” for years, can’t lose weight – or keep it off – easily and without excessive exercise, chances are something is out of balance. Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all “do this, count that” solution. There is, however, the ability to trust in oneself, and it comes from practicing self-acceptance. It most certainly is a process and it’s so much more gratifying and satisfying than coming from a place of fear and self-loathing. I understand that fear-based motivation works initially, but it’s not sustainable or healthy in the long run.

Commit to the process of emotional, physical, and spiritual balance and healing. Commit to love, acceptance, enjoyment, pleasure, relaxation, and trust.

If you have any questions, please email me at karen@kclanderson.com. I am not a doctor, but I can point you in the right direction.

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Comments

  1. That the body/mind/spirit is all connected and symbiotic is key. They are all connected, and when one is struggling, chances are that they will all struggle.
    This post is very inspirational. Contracts on finding what works for you and for having the courage to share.
    Be well.

  3. Karen, it was so nice to wake up and find you here! Your story is such an inspiration, and I am a firm believer that when love comes first, anything is possible!

  4. Karen, I am so glad that you found “answers” (processes?) that are working so well for you. I still can’t get over how similar our journeys have been. I didn’t have the underlying physical/health issues, but I was right there with you using carbs to cope. Even though we’ve taken different routes, we haven’t been so far apart that we can’t shout out to each other accross the way.

  5. Wow – that is quite a story. Thanks for sharing that. I have asked myself a lot of questions this year, many prompted by wise bloggers like yourself, about why I am a serial regainer. I suspect that I focus on the eating and mostly ignore the other pieces, like the spiritual.

  6. Great post, Karen. I agree that dealing with the self-loathing that sometimes accompanies being overweight is one of the keys to a long-term solution. As I’ve said, obesity didn’t give me a self-esteem issue, my self-esteem (or lack of it) gave me obesity.

    Of course, not everyone’s journey/issues are the the same, but for me, like you, I have to try to deal with all of it if I want lasting change. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

  8. Karen, this is a great post, and true on many, many levels. While I probably wouldn’t go as far as you and call it “love” (may be my testosterone talking), acceptance is a must. Before you can truly evaluate a situation, whether it be weight or any other problem that exists, you have to accept that the situation exisits and embrace it.

    Thanks for the not so subtle reminder to look inward first, come to terms with where (and WHO) we are, and then take focused action.

    Ben (@benjamteal)

  11. Beautiful post Karen. I’ll be reading it again, and I may email you as well. I greatly appreciate the kind comment you left on my post yesterday about my Type 2 and related shame. I have a few years on you (9 may be more than a few!) and want to optimize my life in the most holistic sense, rather than continue to eat away at it from a 1000 directions.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to tell your story.

  12. Thanks for sharing Karen with us Miz. I have to say, that so much she said really rings true, when you stop stressing about it, things tend to work themselves out, especially when loving yourself and feeding yourself good things.

    I have a gf that has been seeing a naturopath for the past few years and 30 lbs. just fell off her once she started getting the balanced nutrients she needed in her life. I find it rather amazing and it makes me think…hmmm, maybe it’s time to do a comprehensive study on myself?

    Appreciate the wake-up call!

  15. Exciting and inspiring read. It’s great that you were able to learn and understand what was going on with your body and what it was telling you.

    “And as a result, I started losing weight without struggling, without having to “control” myself, without having to count calories, without having lists of “good” and “bad” foods, and without having to exercise to excess. I enjoy all kinds of food. I find pleasure in eating, not guilt. I am relaxed around food. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?” — I’m just beginning to discover this (the past couple of months). I even got rid of my scale.

  18. Thanks sonmuch for sharing Karen. What a truly heartfelt and loving post. Congratulations to you on feeling healthy and happy!

  20. Hi Karen, thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad you finally figured out what was going on with your body. The body is an amazing thing. I lost 72 lbs. and created the PoundPuncher Bracelet during my journey. Losing weight can be a very difficult thing to do. I’ve realized how important it is to exercise, make healthy choices, and listen to what my mind and body tells me. God Bless!

  21. In the same way that when i decided to eat for good health, i didn’t cut all the junk and put it on the bad list. I added more and more good things until i crowded the not so healthy foods out. The good comes first, leaves no room for anything else.

  22. It’s so true. You can beat your body into submission with negative thoughts, but you truly won’t be successful and happy until you treat yourself with the same love and kindness that you extend to others.

  23. Wonderful guest post, just wonderful. Gives me a lot to think about.

    For several weeks now I’ve been mulling over the idea of “celebrating who I am, not who I am not”… something taught at our church. But I was still fuzzy as to how to apply it to this journey.

    Yes, this gives me a lot to think about. Thank you so much, Carla, for this guest post. I feel a “new” thing brewing in my spirit, and this helps.

    Loretta
    =^..^=

  25. Your comment that self-acceptance and self-love are a PRACTICE really resonated with me. Miz & Shauna mentioned the same thing in one of their recent podcasts which I just listened to last night. Coincidence? I don’t believe so – I believe this is a message for me to start PRACTICING self-love until it becomes a reality.

    Thank you for sharing your story!

  26. Karen, Thank you for giving me so much to think about as 2010 ends and 2011 begins. Practicing self-acceptance. Why does that sound like such a radical idea?

  27. “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

    Yes. You can’t solve a problem until you understand it, and you can’t understand it unless you find the guts to look it dead in the face and see it.

  28. OMG karen…I SO GET IT NOW..why we connected and WHY your comment today means SO MUCH MORE after reading your story. And it reinforces what I have believed for oh so long.

    THANK YOU

    And thank you MIZ…

    xoxoxo you both!

  29. Wow, Karen, thanks for sharing your inspiring story! (And thanks, Miz, for featuring her guest post!) This is a great one to wrap up the year.

    I *love* that quote about change. When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and started treating my illness, I focused on doing the *opposite* of the things I had been doing–figuring that what I’d been doing all along hadn’t been working so well. But then, I found that by doing things in a spirit of kindness that better honor my physical well-being, I align more fully with who I truly am on the inside.

  32. Great post, Karen. I loved reading about your whole story, and the way that a holistic approach helped you find true balance. I’ve never visited a naturopathic physician, but I’m glad it’s on my radar now – that approach is definitely more in line with my beliefs about the mind-body connection.

  33. This is a beautiful post, and I want to join with everyone in saying how right it is, and how much I love it, and all that.
    But I can’t. I want to. But I can’t.
    I’ve lost more than 50lb and have a bit more to go, and I want to say that I accept myself as I am, and I love myself, except I don’t, and I’m afraid to. I think I’m afraid that if I say I’m ok the way I am I’ll lose my motivation and all this momentum to get where I want to go. God, that sounds sad, I realise. Intellectually I agree with all that’s been written here. But emotionally, honestly, I’m not there.
    In fact, when I saw a guided meditation recently from a source that I usually accept everything from, I rejected it because it was about accepting myself as I am.
    I’m not sure where I even want to be with this. I accepted what wasn’t healthy or good for me for ages. Do I want to go back? No. Do I think it’s good and right to be positive and to motivate oneself from love rather than fear? I do. Do I think that you can’t expect anyone to love you more than you love yourself? Yes.
    Do I love myself? No. I don’t. Not right now.
    No-one who knows me would recognize that this is me. It’s my dirty little secret. On the up side, I am a lot smaller than I used to be. It at least seems possible that I might accept and love myself someday soon.

  34. Hi Karen… Thanks for your lengthy post. Worth every word! Year ago, when my first marriage ended, I turned to food (not to be touchable). It worked…he went away! Years later, I still carried my “extra” self. I did alot of destructive stuff on the way toward healing (still working on that one). Through really hard work, with no help from anyone or anything, I was able to shed most of it. After giving birth to my beautiful daughter, well, yeah, of course, that weight hang on. 10 years after, I finally found a nutritional system that got rid of the “baby fat” for good, gave me back my energy, good mood, clear skin, etc. and allows me to eat food while making better choices (or an occasional ice cream, etc). I am particularly grateful for everything I have and everything that is coming to me from the Universe.
    Again, thanks for your journal. You ARE an inspiration. Happy New 2011! My gratitude.

  35. I learn so much from you, Karen. You know what I’m going through physically right now and the emotional and mental impact is has on me and your wisdom is truly helping to show me how to proceed from here. Thank you so much, my friend.

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