I’ve judged you.

by

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I’ve never considered myself judgmental.

Heck, these days more than even being supremely liberal–I’m a libertarian.

Autonomy. Freedom of choice. If you’re not hurting anyone then do what you want and hold your beliefs close.

Judgmental was not a word in my self-definition.

Until recently.

And, even though my year of living what would happen if one woman told the truth… are ostensibly over–I’m compelled to share something I’ve discovered:

I’ve judged you.

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I’ve judged you for how you spoke about your husband and referred to him (sarcastically) as Mr. Wonderful.

I was young.  I was single. I had no clue marriage was like fitness and demanded daily recommitting to maintain its momentum.

I judged your choice of words and tone.

I hadn’t yet walked a mile in your wedded-shoes.

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I’ve judged you for incessantly chatting about your children.

I wondered what else you had rounding out your life.

I longed to steer talk away from little people toward books, movies and stuffs of a grownup sort.

I yet hadn’t grown up myself.

I didn’t comprehend how having a child or being a mother-figure becomes woven into the fabric of who you are.

I hadn’t yet begun to complete the fabric of my own life.

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I’ve judged you for crying when your (fingerquote) baby (unFQ) went to kindergarten.

I assumed you led an empty life.

I wondered why you didn’t create something separate for yourself in the years before school began.

I furrowed my brow at the thought of *not* celebrating the sweet, sweet freedom hours apart from your child would bring.

I hadn’t yet sent my own heart residing outside of my body off to be with strangers all day.

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I’ve judged you for failing to notice and celebrate the small things.

For seeming to be unable to see how simple life really is.

I wasn’t aware, while perhaps an admirable goal, this noting and celebrating is often out of our control.

I didn’t realize, back then, how I’d long for small stresses and how complicated life often is no matter how hard we try.

I hadn’t yet experienced life.

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I’ve judged you for panicking about over your empty nest.

I smiled, on the inside, as you worried over what came next as the time-gap between age 9 and 18 felt cavernous to me.

I wasn’t familiar with the concept of roots and wings.

I didn’t know, when we moms do our jobs well, children start to soar long before they physically leave our home.

I hadn’t yet focused endless energies and hours on something which would some day VANISH and feel gone.

As I unpacked a box marked OFFICE! yesterday a piece of paper fell out:

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I don’t recall scrawling it.  I immediately got the message I’d previously sent to myself.

I’m a late bloomer.

It hadn’t dawned on me how judgmental I’d been in the past or how this act served to define *me* and not the people over whom I passed judgement.

As much as I could say:

“It depresses me how much I have left to learn at age 45!”

In reality it excites me.

I see the silver-lining.

I’m still learning.  Even at age 45.

And you?

Are you like I am?

  • What life-lessons have taken you a while to learn?
  • Have you unknowingly judged others in the past?

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Comments

  1. Eye opening, yes? As said as it is, I think it’s human nature to judge especially when we are at a younger age. As I got older, I started to think about what’s behind the story. Because there always is.

  3. Great post and thanks for always being so honest. So many times, we put our best selves out there on the Internet but posts like these show we are ALL learning and growing and imperfect, but that’s LIFE and it makes us who we are. And it shows that we just have to be open to LEARN and grow and admit we’re wrong every step of the way. It certainly applies to me!

  4. Every.single.day. I’m absolutely a ‘judger’ and did a lot of it pre-kids. Now? Not-so-much. This post (as usual) is so relatable. I’ll be thinking about the note on the paper as I stare down 40 and continue to learn!

  5. I don’t know I judge so much as I am often not totally honest with myself about who I am.
    That really does say more about me than you, too.
    Great post, Carla.

  6. oh yes, we are always learning, and I think that is a wonderful thing. That we do not reach a certain age and learning stops, then life really would be over, but we are continuously growing and learning, until the day we die. I love that. You are always changing our perspective to make us see things for how they really are, and I love that. I learn from you almost every day….every time I read your blog definitely 🙂

  7. I’m totally Judgy McJudgerson. In my head. And I’m really trying hard lately to stop that. Everyone has their own story and point of reference and trials and tribulations and it’s not my place to decide how they should or should not feel.

    Also? I was that mom who was happy to send the kids to Kindy and does not freak about the empty nest, but with a 13 year old, I spend a lot of time freaking out about how I’m going to get this kid safely to adult and ready to fly on his own. And he’s my “easy” kid. Sigh.

  8. I think the lessons of life unfold at their own perfect pace and sometimes we’re just not at a place to learn them….yet. I too am guilty as charged of judging out of sheer ignorance. Oh to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes…

  9. quick to judge.. i think we’ve all been there. Until you realize it’s because of your own insecurities and you need to address that first, well, it is for me at least. Lessons learned. always

  10. I love this! I think we are all guilty of judging at some point. As my children grow, I realize how silly it is. It doesn’t mean I don’t do it, but I’m more aware of it. I also think it is impossible to understand what being a mother and wife entails if you haven’t done it – no matter how compassionate you may be 🙂

  11. Such a thought provoking post for a Monday morning. I don’t think of myself as a judgmental person either but I know I can be. I have so much more to learn- I do know that for certain.

  12. I have openly admitted that I totally judged parents who didn’t seem to have control of their kids, since I was completely mild mannered as a child I didn’t understand these kids who misbehaved.

    Then I had my first born.

  13. Carla,
    That was an impressively honest and compassionate post. I should say be careful pointing those fingers at yourself, they may go off. 🙂

    I have certainly judged others, although I do regret it. One small concept that has helped me is that I can learn something from nearly anyone, no matter how dissimilar we are, and that tamps down the judgment a bit.

    Thanks,
    Dave/Tabby

  18. How about over and over again? And I still catch myself doing it. But I’m learning and trying to improve every day, every year.

    And on another note–I too, have judged those moms lamenting the empty nest, and here I am, with one about to turn 14, already mourning his departure in four short years.

    • Just because your kid turns 18 doesn’t mean they won’t be home again….and again…and again! (just wait!)

  20. Great post! I’m guilty of judging people before and it truly is amazing what it says about YOU when you are willing to accept it. Thank you for the important reminder! 🙂 #passlove

  21. It’s human nature to measure other people and things by our own changing standards. I wouldn’t believe anyone who says they don’t do it.

    I think what is more important is what we do about/with the judgments we make. Do we sling barbs and arrows… are we passive agressive… can we keep our opinions to ourselves when they are unsolicited, or unhelpful? Can we learn anything from them that is useful in our own lives? Are we doing things that we dislike in others?

    For example, I am very annoyed by people who keep whining about the same things over and over again, and wish they would just shut up and get on with it… so I have to check myself if I start to do the same thing because I don’t want to do that same thing.

  24. this is so very true, I say this all the time.

    …and if I can go one step further? people who are not authentically themselves, because of fear or low self esteem or being judged themselves, that also says more about them – they are predicting how WE might react and that is not fair to anyone, especially themselves.

    so wordy before coffee…

  26. I pretty much am aware when I’m judging someone. I TRY not to. I do..but then I do it anyway..and awesome quote..it DOES say more about me than it does the person I’m judging.

  27. It’s SO EASY to make assumptions about people and judge them! And so important to realize when we’re doing it.

    I am so excited, every day, about how much more there is to learn in life!

    (Also love love that quote)

  28. I don’t think about myself as a judgmental person, but dang, this was eye opening. I probably judge more than I thought – simply not being a mom, and having no insight into what that would take – I probably form uneducated opinions about things I couldn’t even fathom. My saving grace is… I keep them to myself. I would NEVER give a parent parenting advice unless I’d been there.

  29. I can relate to all of the things that you used to judge others for – especially thinking how great it would be to have the kids in school all day. Now I often miss those days when I had my boys with me all day.
    And, yes, I have continued to learn new things and realize how very wrong some of my thoughts were each year.
    I’m still working on not making snap judgements when I see others – much better than it used to be:)

  30. The lesson I’m currently in the middle of is, “Advice is wonderful to give when you are asked for it. No matter how helpful you think it would be, do not share unless it follows someone else’s question mark.”

    Recently? I learned that when your fear of stability starts to go away you find other things to be afraid of and you have to knock that s—t off or you go insane real fast.

    • That was super unclear. I meant when you are used to feeling unstable and worrying about it and then you get some stability so you’re not constantly afraid anymore. Gosh, I’m really not putting this into words well.

  32. Yes, it seems as many of life’s questions remain the same as we age, the answers often change with time.

    As in many things there is no right or wrong, we each walk our own path and if lucky, find our best answers.

  34. I think it’s watching my own mother judge everyone for everything that has made me want to not judge for anything. I’m sure I have moments of doing it, but mostly if people are happy and not harming anyone I really don’t give a hoot about their choices

  36. People judge- it’s human nature. I won’t pretend that I don’t.
    I am human.
    And you can judge me too.
    I know you do.
    It’s ok.

  37. people always judge…or have a definite opinion…or both.
    that’s the way of the world, I guess.
    I also wanted to say…I LOVE the other you with short hair. 🙂

  38. I’ve taken to calling myself judgey mcjudgerson (in my head) whenever I catch myself judging someone else. It sometimes pops up out of the blue :/

  39. I will ALWAYS judge those who physically harm other people/children, animals, rob from others, be-head and burn people alive, scam the government, and a thousand things more. And I am GLAD what it “says” about me-
    Most judges in who hold that position should take some lessons in morals to judge people in a way where kids wouldn’t be removed from families trying to adopt them, wouldn’t let pedophiles out of jail in a months time, and wouldn’t make kids cross borders to reside with their “family” who speaks another language if they are truly tuned in to what people need.

  40. Ah totally guilty of judging others and definitely still am, BUT, I catch myself now, unlike before, which is a step in the right direction. Like you I still have so much to learn at 35, but I am okay with that and I embrace it and I am most definitely excited about all I have to learn. 🙂

  41. ….as well have all done. In different ways. Yet we have all judged. Ain’t mad at ya, my sistah. You were forgiven even before the admission of so-called “guilt”.

  42. I constantly fight my judging tendencies, which I learned at my mother’s knee, sadly. I try to put myself in other’s shoes as much as I can to force myself to understand other people’s actions (obviously if those actions are not harmful to others). I’m getting better at it, and use this tool more often in conversations that take a judgmental turn. But I still do it, and get an eye-opening when I find myself doing things that I judged others unfairly for. Who can be so busy that they buy pre-washed and pre-cut salad – why not wash and cut your own? (says the new queen of the pre-wash/pre-cut bag of convenience) Why do people who don’t have kids at home not seem to find time to take care of chores and errands with all that free time? (says the woman who has been working on the same 4 Christmas stockings for 4 years now). I know I still have much to learn, about myself, about other people and about how I want to be in the world. Thanks for your honesty, Carla.

  43. Yes! It seems like we all want to sort, classify, and unfortunately judge to understand the world, our place in it and our decisions. So much easier to judge then to understand. I am trying to be really conscious of this! I think becoming a mum does that because it changes you and opens your eyes to being on the receiving end because we all do things differently. And I think once you become a mum you are less inclined to succumb to pressure from those judging because you have this amazing life force that comes first!

    Wonderful post!

  44. What’s that awesome quote? Something like, “Lessons are repeated until they are learned.” Judgmentalism (new word) is one of those that seems to be on auto-play in my life. 🙂

  45. I don’t tend to consider myself as a judgmental person, but I think I’ve definitely gotten more so in the last couple years, and especially while I was doing my peds rotation last month and worked with several parents who did absolutely nothing to take care of their kids.

    There are certain things I will always judge (e.g. animal cruelty, rapists, child molesters, people who do absolutely nothing with their lives other than procreate and scam more money off the government, etc.), but in most other instances, I do try to curb it by telling myself that unless I’ve been in their situation, there’s no way I can know exactly what they’re going through, so I’m in no place to judge what they do.

  46. We all judge and it makes it just that little more eye-opening when we get to a point in our lives where we’re doing the *exact* same thing we judged someone for years earlier, doesn’t it? I think I judge less as I get older (that’s what I’m telling myself, anyway!!)

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