Compliment Clubs.

by

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You rock that bandana!

A friend sent me an article about a group of women who’ve created a Compliment Club.

Ala the movie Fight Club (book by the awesomely quirky Chuck Palahniuk) the women created rules for a group whose sole purpose was showering others with compliments.

The article goes into detail yet over-archingly the message is this:

When you show up authentic you create space for others to do the same.

Giving compliments is important—knowing how to receive them is practically as pivotal.

Thatā€™s why today is

Accepting Compliments 201: the refresher course we all need.

1. Pause and listen. HEAR the compliment. Don’t allow yourself to immediately respond with ā€˜itā€™s nothingā€™ or ā€˜I usually screw everything up. I was lucky!ā€˜Ā  Sit with the praise no matter how uncomfortable or ā€˜unworthyā€™ you may feel.Ā Ā  Take time, in the moment or later, to ask yourself *why* you might feel embarrassed/unworthy of this specific praise.

2. Remember the kindness behind compliments. When you brush off a nicety you are, in essence, denigrating the compliment giver. You’re putting her in the position of defending her (kind) judgement (of you). By reflexively launching into a list of what you perceive to be weaknesses you both feel uncomfortable. This wasn’t, I guarantee, the compliment-givers intention.

No matter your feeling in the moment, try smiling in a way which conveys appreciation for the thought behind the words.

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You’re so strong!

3. Respond honestly to the praise. While I urge you to accept the compliment thereā€™s nothing wrong with explaining your ā€˜success.ā€™Ā  One woman, whom I complimented for staying exceedingly calm while her toddler had a public meltdown, explained she was trying an entirely new approach.Ā  She shared she was v-e-r-yĀ  calm merely because it was her first time trying the tactic.

Explain if you want (ā€œThanks! I never plan my outfit but I did this morning. Glad it worked!ā€) but avoid allowing the explanation to transition into listing your (perceived) faults.

4. Practice. Practice. Practice. Is accepting a compliment not yet your strongest trait?Ā  Are you the sort who immediately needs to return the sentiment (not necessarily a bad thing) or put yourself down?Ā  Try repeating these phrases as you look in a mirror.

Thank you, Iā€™m glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you, Iā€™m honored by your words.
Thank you, I admire you so your praise means a great deal.
Thank you I really tried hard on this one!

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Thank you! I’ve worked hard to become a good driver!

5. Be my Child. I could bore you with stories, but the bottom line is young children are often how we should aspire to be: confident.Ā  Pay attention the next time you hear/see a child receive a compliment. Watch how she accepts the words. Chances are not only will she happily receive the praise, sheā€™ll also point other things she does well, too.

We adults may not feel comfortable going quite that farā€”but a bit of Tornadoā€™y confidence couldnā€™t hurt.
I find the notion of a Compliment Club bittersweet.

I love the mental image of troops of women complimenting strangers and offering opportunity to practice the skills above.

It saddens me a bit we need reminders to compliment, yet perhaps this nudge will make niceties again a reflexive act?

My life is all about practicing what I long to preach.

From complimenting others to doing unto others to moving our bodies to staying healthy.

If a club is required so we show the next generation how to both give and receive then I guess I, too, am in.

And you?

  • Do you still struggle to “receive” when it comes to compliments?
  • When was the last time you complimented a total stranger?

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Comments

  2. A compliment club? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? What if you really don’t care for their shoes? Are you supposed to make up compliments then? I’m not the greatest at accepting compliments but the club sounds a little over the top.

  3. tornados confidence is like a beautiful rainbow that surrounds her. That in itself is amazing. I just attended a confidence summit for preteen girls and tornado has got it going ON!

    I need to be better at accepting compliments. It is a strong effort to not bash myself out loud when people say nice things. A very strong effort.

  4. I really struggle and find I tend toward the “you too” way of taking a compliment.
    If someone tells me they like my shirt I can’t help and respond I like yours too.

  5. I’m the worst compliment recipient in the history of ever.

    Gonna go ahead and blame my parents. šŸ˜‰

  6. LOOOOOVVVEEE this!!! Can I join please? Yes, I struggle to receive compliments, and this refresher course needs to be in a notepad in my brain…….I swear one day we will have those….but you now know who invented it šŸ˜‰ hehe. Thanks for sharing it with us Carla, you always know what to say!

  7. I’m not sure how I feel about the club, but I know I suck at taking compliments. I’m always downplaying my accomplishments when someone compliments me. I need to just learn to say thanks. ;o)

    Shoo, on the other hand, is very like Tornado.

  8. While I like the idea of a compliment club (in that we are encouraging positivity and also teaching each other to give and accept positive feedback), I also agree with you that it is downright sad that there is a need for its existence, and I also find it to be a slippery slope towards almost a competition-like situation, and a lack of being truly genuine. But I think that we should continue to seek out the positive, I just want it to come from a place of truth and meaning!

  9. Hmmm. Usually we’re on the same page, today we may be on complementary pages. šŸ˜‰ I am getting better at accepting compliments, but it takes effort.

  12. i feel like you are inside my head these days. this and the no complaining need to happen! YES! –> THANK YOU! Accept that. haha. You’re my angel

  13. I really do get annoyed with women (and it’s nearly always women) who brush off compliments and put themselves down in reply to one. It’s sad that instructions are necessary, but if they help someone learn it’s a good thing. Even a simple “thank you” works. Make yourself cut off the rest of that sentence if it starts with a “but.”

  16. I think it’s hard for women to accept compliments. It’s a mindset. One that I’m working on changing.

  17. This is great!! I find myself struggling to accept compliments (because, you know, I as you all are find myself showered with them constantly LOL). Thank you for the reminder that a compliment is a gift from the giver just as surely as a tangible package (except for down here in the south, where some “compliments” are ….. NOT EXACTLY COMPLIMENTS. But that’s a topic for a different comment stream! šŸ™‚

  18. I have made one of my goals taking the time to thank people and let them know what they mean to me when they go out of their way for me, and often this takes the form of a compliment. I am AWFUL at receiving compliments, but I am going to try at least to say thank you and try not to deflect. I love the compliment club idea! Such a great way for women to empower women!

  20. Oh, I compliment people a LOT and total strangers VERY often. Sometimes I am sure they think I am nuts but I don’t care!

  21. I make an effort to voice compliments when I think them. It occurred to me a few years ago that I often THINK to myself “that person is great at XYZ” or “I love XYZ about them!” etc., but I wasn’t saying any of it out loud to the person. They should know how others feel! (Of course, some people get a little weirded out by it. But I think most people appreciate it.)

    It’s nice when we realize what’s going on and can make changes like that. And of course, our compliments always have to be genuine!

  22. May I admit that this is one of my biggest weak points? And your number two really drove home to me why I need to get over it. I’ve said it before–I also think this is a female thing. I don’t see men brushing off compliments, do you?

    The baby bandana shot–the best!

  23. It took me a looooong time to be able to accept a compliment without turning around and explaining why it wasn’t true or pointing out something to invalidate it.

    Whenever I meet someone new I usually end up complimenting them on something I like about them bc I am too awkward to actually make conversation and know what to say haha.

  24. What a wonderful post and reminder Carla. It’s taken me years to accept a compliment graciously. I now know a compliment is a gift from someone so the best response is always, Thank you so much!

  26. Not sure how I feel about a compliment ‘club’ per say.. But I do love to compliment people! Even if it is just a simple thing like saying I like someones nailpolish or shoes.. Most of the time it makes people smile and it’s just a nice thing to do šŸ™‚

  27. I am so bad at accepting compliments that I cringe now. I immediately say something contrary to what the giver of the compliment says and it all boils down to a lot of embarrassing situations for all concerned. Your advice is timely and apt. We need to get positive about compliments.

  28. I will never forget the time in band class in junior high school when somebody complimented my playing, and I said “Thank you”, and then one of the more popular girls reprimanded me for not saying “Oh, no, I’m no good at all”, said that if you didn’t deny it people would think you were stuck up. I was mortified.

    That was a pretty long time ago – I hope junior high school girls have gotten better about just saying “Thank you” now.

    I probably compliment jewelry and clothing more than anything else these days – especially on the elevator. I’m no fashionista but I do enjoy sparkle and flair and every now and then somebody will get on the elevator wearing something that really catches my eye, and I can never resist saying “Oh, that’s such a pretty _____” (I figure it’s good to explain ’cause I’m probably staring at whatever it is anyways). People seem to like it when I do!

  29. When I was younger, I never could accept compliments. Now, I always thank people & like you wrote, sometimes I explain how I got there either with accepting them OR about what they are complimenting me on. šŸ™‚

  30. I tried to start a book club and only one person rsvp’ed… maybe I need to start one of these! haha! I love to give and receive compliments, but I must admit, sometimes my knee jerk reaction is to turn down praise, but I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I realize it’s not nice to the giver to turn down what they are offering.

  31. My favorite is to compliment moms or dads when they are out with a child that is having a hard time, telling them they are doing a great job under very difficult circumstances, because they are. Most parents are so used to being smacked when they are already down in this situation that it seems to help them, and i do mean the compliment.

    As for accepting them, i try to just say ‘thank you’ and return it or point out something else. It’s not easy.

  32. I just complimented the woman who works at the doggie day care when I picked up my puppy. I noticed she cut her hair and I told her how awesome it looked. She loved it! I have gotten a lot better with accepting compliments. I received so many this past weekend with my “new tribe” it was amazing. I was so happy and so blessed!

  33. I am terrible at receiving compliments and have to work very hard at being gracious. I feel like unless I am being self-deprecating, then I’m being conceited.

  35. I’ve been working at accepting compliments better. Not so good at it when with my husband, though. Sometimes he says I look good when I feel completely the opposite and I’m like “I do?!?!” Like, what are you smoking, haha. I know he doesn’t like when I do that and it’s funny how it’s easier to brush his off than compliments from other people I don’t know as well.

  37. I’ve gotten so much better at receiving compliments. I used to qualify or rationalize, now I just say “Thank you!”

    And I complimented a woman in Denver while we were out walking. She was rocking the dress she had on and I stopped her and told her how awesome she looked.

  38. It’s taken literally 20 years but with constant encouragement and advice from my husband I have become better at accepting compliments. Now I simply say thank you. Earlier it was like the person complimenting was all wrong to even say anything positive about me!

  40. Excellent article, to me it has given me guidance to be more responsive when receiving compliments, it’s true is often difficult because it is hard for people to support you in these situations

  41. I LOVE the idea of a compliment club. I get ridiculously excited if ANYONE says anything nice about my writing or my work etc. I guess there’s always an assumption that people know they’re doing okay if you’re NOT harassing them but if my bosses / colleagues or people who worked for me ever said anything I’d always be surprised and very excited!

    (And yes, I know that need for external validation isn’t always a good thing!)

    Deb

  42. I so needed to see this! I have gotten better at accepting compliments, but I still struggle. I guess that’s what happens when all you know is not getting them. I’ll be a work in progress with this, but I plan on moving forward with accepting the compliments!

  43. Have never been able to take a compliment. I am 40+ and it is still is difficult to smile and accept it. Why? I can not answer that. My insecurities, my low self-esteem perhaps!

  44. I read this post at work. Got together with a few co-workers during coffee break and told them about this and we all agreed that we need to start complimenting each other more and every day. It’s like a mission “Go Compliment” here. LOL.

  47. It’s crazy that we seem to live our lives trying to make ourselves good enough, and that compliments should verify that we’ve done something right (which is a bad way of living in itself, but oh so common). Yet we find it so difficult to accept them. Whilst the compliment club may seem unauthentic, perhaps changing our environment from one where we’re consistently told that women aren’t good enough without the latest make up/surgical enhancement/losing a few pounds to an environment where we’re surrounded by positivity could give these women a chance to review life.

    I wish we could bottle that childlike personality and confidence that we all had. It’s scary the affects of growing up and the society we live in on our happiness. But the fact that people are trying to change things with ideas like the compliment club can only be a good thing.

  48. I needed to read this – in the worst possible way!
    I am 36 and still cannot accept a compliment gracefully.
    We need one of these “compliment clubs” around my neck of the woods.

  49. I’m actually pretty good with compliments, especially if it’s something I really like. If someone compliments my purse, I will say thank you, I just love this color too. It’s a bit harder if it’s something I don’t like as well. I do tend to give lots of compliments too – I stopped a complete stranger in church yesterday because I liked her shoes so much! But I think a compliment club is probably a great idea.

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