When saying YES is selfish.

by

The other day I had a conversation with a friend.

Her husband had just been diagnosed with cancer and we were talking through how it might impact her daughter’s year.

“We’re around lots after school,” I said. “Don’t hesitate to call if I can help. I’ll always say no if it’s a bad time.”

My friend sat with this information and responded:

I love how you phrased that. You’ll say no if it’s a bad time.

Her words perplexed me (wait, why wouldn’t I?) until I considered what she meant and how I learned to gift myself the use of NO.

I used to worry about the messages my saying no might send.

Many obsess about the ramifications of uttering a firm no.

For the majority of us drawing boundaries/learning to say NO is a process.

I started by leaving myself reminders.

For me the ability to say no with confidence is less the idea of when I say NO to you, I’m saying YES to me! (although this sentiment is a powerful one for many) and more a coming to the realization of if I say YES when I mean NO! it’s a disservice to you.

Allow me to elaborate.

In the same way brushing off compliments denigrates the giver (oops, never our intent, right?) when we say YES! to something with a less than joyous heart the act is no longer a service or gift.

I know this to be true as I experienced it for years..

I spent decades resentful of YESes I’d given freely.

And, as a result, I performed the yes-actions with a less than joyous grumpy heart (think 9 year old being forced to clean her room).

When I finally realized what I was doing, making a shift was simple.

It was an easy change which immediately sparked the attitude I shared with my friend that day:

I no longer said yes to anything in the moment.

Does an opportunity sound amazing?

My response is:

I’m not sure—let me check my calendar.

Does an opportunity sound like something I should probably do just to be nice?

My response is:

I’m not sure—let me check my calendar.

This approach allows me never to feel in-the-moment pressured and agree to things which, upon reflection, I either can’t or don’t want to do.

This approach sets me up for success and ensures the majority of my YESes (we all have obligations where we really can’t say NO ) are said with a joyous heart.

This approach made me realize when I proffer a YES with the backdrop of resentment it’s worse than just saying NO.

A blogger I admire once wrote about her struggle with the word no .

It’s a post I related to and yet (thankfully) around here the struggle is mostly over.

  • I still harness the power of reminders (blue painter’s tape rocks!)
  • I still strive to draw my boundaries in Sharpie.
  • I owe it to others to say NO as I’ve learned a misplaced-YES is often worse.

And you?

  • Do often YES! when you really mean NO? 
  • Would ceasing agreeing to anything “in the moment” help you, too?

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Comments

  1. Hmm. Weren’t we just talking about this? Oh, yes, in the #wycwyc podcast! Really like the point that saying yes when you don’t mean it can build resentment – great food for thought.

  2. I have gotten a lot better with my ‘No’s’ and the result is that people ask me to do less or they consider it longer before asking. Win!

  4. Oh.
    I hadn’t thought about this before but I do remember the use of that phrase “joyous heart” in the Catholic Church once.
    You nailed how I can be when I say yes and I really mean no.
    :/

  5. I used to extremely overcommit myself. And let’s be honest, I still do, sometimes. But I think that allowing yourself–nay, actually committing yourself–to think about whether or not you really can take on whatever it is should be mandatory. A little thought before action would go a long way in this world.

  7. I’m finally learning how to say no and I also love how you phrased that, I’m going to have to use that myself! I totally understand how it’s selfish to say yes when the answer is no! Now to really master it.

  8. To this a resounding YES! 🙂

    I agree that it’s a disservice to others if we tell them “yes” when we won’t actually be able to give them the that “yes” completely. It’s something I’m still learning, but I’ve gotten much better at over the years – and I ALWAYS try to pause and avoid the word “yes” when people ask something of me. It is much better, as you said, to step away from it and determine whether or not “yes” is the right answer or not for us at that moment.

  9. I say YES way too often and need to learn to say NO! I would definitely be doing myself and my family a favor if I say no a little more!

  10. Sometimes there is no choice but to say “yes” to things at work or that have to do with work, that you would rather not do. Help out with the Fall Festival? Why “yes”-because if I wasn’t there to do so, everyone would know I was the only one not there helping out. Go to an all day conference (AGAIN) for licensure hours so I can keep my job. Oooh, where do I sign up and give you $200? (Torture!) Write 40 reports/enter data over the weekend when I would rather be out in the beautiful mountains hiking? Let me get on that right away!
    Sometimes saying “yes” means keeping your career going another year…..

  11. I need to learn to say NO more often and I know that. I’m a yes person Always but sometimes it leaves me stressed out and anxious.

  12. Saying “no” tactfully is such a hard skill to grasp. I like how you stated that saying yes with resentment is worst than saying no. Something I will forever work on.

  13. I have never had a problem saying no. Especially when it comes to work related things…in my own experience, the more you say “yes,” the more people will come straight to you rather than looking around for new people to help out. In situations outside of work, I am definitely okay saying no if it interferes with my family time.

  14. Yes I like the points you make. Checking your calendar is a reasonable practice. I don’t like some one saying Yes let’s say to a dinner invitation just to tell me No a day or two later when I have already arranged my calendar! We are all busy, check and choose if a Yes or No is good for you before committing.

  15. This >> “more a coming to the realization of if I say YES when I mean NO! it’s a disservice to you.” That’s so true. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms but that resonates so much with me. I’m getting better at saying no largely because I do what you do – try not to answer right away in the moment.

  16. Great post, Carla. I have just learned to say “no.” But people still want me to work for free and some don’t understand that “no” means “no.”

    If I had a daughter that would be one of the first things I would teach her. A little love for yourself and self-respect goes a long way.

  17. I so need this advice and I so need to put it into action. I have finally started saying no to those “opportunities” that I really loathe, but I’m still pretty bad about saying no to mediocre jobs. Those I can handle but am only about 50% enthusiastic about. And I’m over scheduled, which leads to resentment of those tasks.

  18. it’s that people pleasing part of us that makes us put the needs of others before our own – I’m getting better at prioritizing my needs, but it is a tricky thing to get the balance right.

  19. Great post – As an ADHD Coach I often tell all of my clients never to say yes to a commitment on the spot – I always tell them to say – let me check my calendar and get back to you – well done!

  21. People pleasing has been a huge defect of mine which means that I would say yes to everything and anything. It leaves me feeling resentful, worn out, and not taking care of myself. Once I learned that I had a choice in the matter, saying no became one of the best things for me. I also felt a little drunk w power over my own life haha.

  22. It have been saying no more…and then I said yes to a birthday party, even though i knew it wouldn’t work. i felt bad, but it just didn’t work for us. I had to cancel last minute and i felt awful, but i learned my lesson, if it’s no, it’s no.

  23. YES! I mean no. (haha) I used to YES all the time until I ran out of yesses for me and was depleted of yesses for anyone. So now I, much like you, say “I WOULD LOVE TO! But let me check my calendar and let you know.” What I really struggle with now is uncluttering my life enough so that I can actually say more Yesses, because now I’ve swung the OPPOSITE WAY and say too many NOs, when I’d like to say yes, but at least I am being aware enough to realize I am wrapped up in my own stuff too often, does that count? Balance.

  24. Excellent points, Carla! I totally agree.

    On another subject. The woman who blogs at Zen Psychiatry wrote a very useful free e-book on how to be for someone with cancer.

  25. I do this all the time. I am waaaay too much of a YES person.
    I have so much trouble saying the word no. GRRR
    I do it at work when I take on new files.
    I do it with my son’s activities.
    I do it with family.
    It’s awful because when I have tried to say no I have met some harsh criticsim, so now I am worse than ever.

  26. I’ve been working on waiting until I check my calendar, or “check my calendar” before saying “yes”. I am also guilty of saying “yes” when I don’t really want to, which isn’t fair to all parties!

  27. All very very good points. My struggle is to balance the needs of those I love the most against my own need for solitude. I didn’t think this would be the case as my nest is almost empty, but somehow it is a challenge. And the guilt!!

  28. WOW….this is a ver timely post for me! I am still working on the art of “No”. My husband bought me a huge button that sits on my desk that says NO. When pushed it says NO in a gazillion ways. I am going incorporate some of your tips! Thank you for this great blog!

  30. Carla, I wrote about this in a blog post, too–and I have to admit that as I get older, it gets easier to say no without guilt. Life is short, and I don’t want to waste time doing things that I simply don’t want to do. It’s not being selfish, it’s being authentic and honest with myself AND the other person. Great post.

  31. Off to buy a calendar! Damn I should have thought of this one a long time ago…or at least last week when I said I’d cook Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people!

  32. As a recovering people-pleaser, this is a tough one for me but I’m getting better at it–I say ‘no’ more often, but still feel a bit of guilt.
    I love the line, “I’ll check my calendar”. I will be putting that into practice.

  33. I do have a hard time saying no to people, especially friends because I want to help them out. It’s that whole ‘people pleaser’ problem that I have.
    I will have to try your ‘I will have to check my calendar’ advice!

  35. Great post – I used to say YES a lot, mostly because I felt obligated to. I always felt that if I was actually able to do something that I should do it. But sometimes you really need that time for yourself. The “Let me check my calendar” Or “Let me check the date” has definitely become something I’m more comfortable saying and it gives me the opportunity to decide if I can really help / do what is being asked without any resentment.

  36. I love the “I’ll say no if it’s a bad time” offer; so much more sincere than the conventional “any time!” A realistic offer to help out is really a gift; an overly optimistic promise of unlimited availability is so much harder to take seriously, even if it is well meant.

  37. i feel like you need to be on my shoulder whispering things like this in my ear 24/7. Can that happen?

  39. I am STILL working on this. I’ve been taught to help and say yes (without boundaries) now I have to build my own. It’s HARD. But I’m working on it. thanks for the reminder. xo

  40. I’ve had to really learn this lesson in regards to my blog. Sometimes I get an offer that just doesn’t interest me, but I’m afraid to turn it down. I’ve gotten much better at really evaluating whether something is a good fit or not and what my time is worth.

    Now if I could just be better about that with volunteering at my kids’ schools. Sigh.

  41. Thanks for putting into words what I’ve felt for a long time. I struggled for years, learning to say no. I did it, yet still felt guilty. This makes me realize that no guilt is necessary. Not only is my No a Yes for myself, it is a positive thing for the receiver of the No as well.

  42. There have been a few times when i didn’t want to say yes, but did so. Most of the time, though, i really do want to do whatever it is.

    Now, do i really have time to do everything i want to? That’s another question.

  43. Learning to say no to others and say YES to myself is something I have bee working on over the past few years. Admittedly it is still a struggle, especially when it comes to my family. But I am getting there, and your posts always help remind me how important it really is.

  44. I was supposed to teach a boot camp on Saturday morning and I cancelled…Mainly because it was too cold, but deep down, teaching just doesn’t make me happy right now and I knew my heart wasn’t it. So I said “no” and I am going to cancel it moving forward. Maybe someday my heart will be in it again, but for right now I don’t want to do it anymore.

  45. My take-away from this is not to say yes right away, which is what I often do to please others! I need to say, I’ll check with… my calendar, my husband, etc… Good reminder that saying NO is OK!

  46. Love this mindset. You’re absolutely right that a “yes” that is forced, and done with obligation rather than a joyful heart, is so much worse than a kindly considered “no.”
    I’ve struggled in the past by overcommitting, but like with mist things, aging and having my own family have taught me that saying “no” is ok.

  47. I actually say no a lot… but I think that’s from watch my mom say yes ALWAYS growing up and it really was to her detriment. I wish I could turn back the clock 20 years and make her read this! She’s one incredible woman to have gotten it all done with 3 kids!

  48. I always say YES too. Then, I found that sometimes it brings good things but sometimes it brings very bad things to me.

    Then, one day, I just talked myself that I have to say NO.

    After that, it is ok for me to deny many things that will be the trouble.

  49. it is said that “saying No is more good then promising fake ” | your blog post can give an idea that how to say no without hurting others. Typically people ask me to go Gym Near Me but i dnt feel good to go with them so i preferred to say no.

  51. I definitely struggled a lot with being able to say no, because I really like being able to help other people when I can…but in recent years, I’ve definitely gotten wayyyyy way better at it, and also (like your post describes) realized that it was better for me to agree to things if I knew that I’d be able to do the best job I can with it!

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