Im an impostor.

by

rsz_screen_shot_2015-11-05_at_51212_pm

“Am I an expert? I don’t know!”

Lately I’ve thought a great deal about impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome essentially means, despite external evidence of competence, one is still convinced she’s a mess fraud.

It means an individual falsely believes she doesn’t deserve success and dismisses it as luck, serendipity etc.

Many who experience this syndrome believe they are deceptive.

They’re convinced any gains are the result of duping others into thinking they are better at something (or everything) than they really are.

Ten years down the road I’ve realized motherhood is the ultimate impostor experience.

Each time someone is kind enough to compliment my parenting I think (and frequently say): Thanks so much. Now, get back to me in a few decades when we see how she *really* turns out!

austin airport

the I’m ROCKING MOTHERHOOD! impostor.

I first learned the phrase impostor syndrome 15 years ago from a life-coach friend.

I had an opportunity (no, I created an opportunity. see what I mean? impostor syndrome. it wasn’t luck.  I made it happen.) to present an idea/concept to Target brand.

As I rehearsed my presentation, I shared with my friend how the husband wanted to fly to Minneapolis with me.

That’s not happening, I told her, I can’t put on my “game face” and play professional-Carla with him around.

She listened to me rant about how awkward I’d feel with him seeing me as my work-self and, when I finished, asked if I knew the name for what I’d described.

Impostor syndrome.

I didn’t bother researching the term as the very words made me knew it fit.

I was flying to a big meeting with a BIG brand.  I wondered why on earth they chose to spend precious time meeting with me when I was kind of a nobody who just had an idea.

I felt like an impostor.

And I didn’t want anyone along to bear witness to it.

rsz_photo259_new

Zooma running impostor.

I recently signed up for an online writing course.

It’s independent, but there’s a Facebook group component where you have the option to share your writing.

From the first day most people shared.

And these sharer-people were good.

Really really good writers.

I became so focused on their phenomenal writing abilities I didn’t pause to consider what they excelled at (serious, literary writing) wasn’t what I aspired to do.

I had a moment of thinking: I don’t think I belong in this group.  Who do I think I am calling myself a writer alongside these women?!

And then I remembered another facet of impostor syndrome:

We hesitate to believe what comes naturally or easily for us offers value to the world.

photo-105

Austin’s fittest mom: impostor?

The very act of being good at something can lead us to discount its value.

BOOM.

That facet of the definition was it for me.

I no longer have fear of being discovered a “fraud” or impostor as I don’t give lip service to not caring what others think–it’s who I am.

For me, however, impostor syndrome still rears its head when it comes to not placing value on that which comes easily to me.

Writing with a light, humorous voice? Easy for me. Must be easy for everyone. Must not be valuable.

Writing with a heavy, thematic, literary voice? Hard for me. Must be worth more. Must be more valuable.

rsz_screen_shot_2015-11-05_at_52507_pm

Fila Real Woman impostor model?

I almost became paralyzed and tiptoed metaphorically away from the group.

Thankfully at 46 I practice not just preach.

Instead of retreating I created three ways to overcomes these feelings and *enjoy* the rest of the class.

3 ways to beat back feelings of impostor syndrome.

  • I created a success box. The best predictor of future success is past success. As I worked to remind myself what came easily to me IS valuable it helped to physically see my box fill with missive of success.
  • I stopped comparing. I know someone elses success is not my failure. I did need to remind myself (repeatedly) someone elses writing-light shining brightly (and very very differently from my own!) does not diminish mine in the slightest. Their writing may rock. My writing can *also* rock.
  • I stopped with the onlys. I’ve completely stopped musturbating I still have a raging case of the onlys. I respond to compliments with phrases like: I’m so glad you like my writing voice, but if you didn’t it’s the only one I’ve got. I need t stop qualifying my abilities and successes with words like only or just. No qualifiers required.  My gifts just are.

And that was really it.

A  list of 3 things (printed out and hung on my office wall) and I nipped returning to old impostor syndrome habits pretty much in the bud.

For now anyway.

The writing group is over.  The list reminder remains firmly in place.

And you?

  • Have you ever experienced impostor syndrome? How have you worked to overcome it?

POSTS BY EMAIL

Never miss a post. Enter your email to get my latest posts delivered to your inbox.

Comments

  2. Every damn day.
    Reading “what comes easily or naturally to us has value to the world” was an a-ha moment. I have heard/read a lot about this, definitely feel this way but never read it quite like that. This will make working though it a tiny bit easier. Thank you!

  4. I have been reading indeed a lot about impostor syndrome lately. We all go through that.
    After spending years trying to figure out what health approach fitted me better, I still had doubts about becoming a Holistic Life Coach.
    It took me finding old posts (from last year) in which I literally described my uttermost goals to realize I was not faking it. Now I have a certificate to back up my knowledge, but I’m not new on this road.
    I love your 3 years. It’s by being who are that we serve the world best.
    Have a fabulous day!

  8. In my profession (I’m a nurse practitioner), we talk about this a lot with newbies–how you feel like you are “playing doctor” when you first graduate. I can see how it could apply to any aspect of your life.

    Great post.

  9. I’m such a know it all I’ve never felt like an imposter… FALSE. There are several ways that I feel like an imposter, but I’ve learned to tell myself that even the “real deals” had to start somewhere.

  10. I need a success box badly. Everytime I hve a major one it’s like it gets filed away and all I’m doing is looking for the next one. I also still need to stop making excuses for my successes too.

  11. I have not heard of this syndrome before
    or if I did it was not described quite
    this way. I learned something new today.
    Thanks for sharing your experiences with
    us.

  12. Never had time to even think about this- I just go to work, do the best I can at work and then spend the rest of my time doing what I love to do . I do however find fault with those who have been “doing” something for a short period of time and consider themselves “experts” and feel the need to enlighten everyone else. I see this a lot in triathlon- finish one Ironman (badly) and become a coach. I would never even consider coaching or mentoring someone else even after 34 years of it-now mentoring someone in my field of work is a different story. After 40 years of being a therapist in the public school setting, if my opinion is asked, then I will give it. 40 years of experience is significant-so don’t feel like an “imposter” in my workplace.

  14. “And I didn’t want anyone along to bear witness to it.”

    YES!

    “We hesitate to believe what comes naturally or easily for us offers value to the world.”

    YES AGAIN!

    You’re so flippin smart. Fab post and great takeaways there at the end 🙂

  18. Thanks for putting a name to something I deal with all the time. When you spoke about not being comfortable with your husband seeing your “business ” self,” I almost jumped up and shouted That’s me! These are great tips. I try to use positive self-talk, which helps, and I love the Success Box. Actual evidence of what you (or I) have, and can, accomplish.

  19. it’s that comparison thing that gets me EVERY time – and it’s always seeing myself in a lesser light. I’m getting better at not doing that, but it’s something that I have to remind myself about all the time!

  20. This is really very thought provoking. and I love the pictures. In my last professional life when I was one of very few women I was always amazed at how much and easily my male co-workers told anyone in ear shot how great they were on various tasks and skills, experts on being experts. I think as women of a certain age we were told either directly or absorbed the message to ‘Not blow your own horn’. I really struggled with trying to be an impostor then while not being just like them as a real impostor.

    • I do think you’re right on the external/vocalizing level there definitely is a divide when it comes to men and women.we women need to go forth into our own horn’s as well. And toot each other’s 🙂

  21. Until I read this, I didn’t realize I suffered from this, but apparently I do. With writing and parenting in particular. My standard line for a complement about my kids? “The writing isn’t on the wall yet.” Sound familiar? Thanks for the reality check and for the advice!

  22. I really needed this post! <3 I definitely do this a lot as a med student, but I'm working on it! I really like the idea of a success box!

  24. THIS: “The very act of being good at something can lead us to discount its value.”

    Something we have to remind ourselves of every day. That’s a BIG one for most freelancers, I suspect.

    • Oh. Really good point about freelancers and feeling this way. I had it paused to consider that before, either.

  25. Great food for thought, especially the idea that someone else’s success doesn’t take anything away from me. That’s one i’ve mostly got down, i’m so happy for others when they succeed. There’s still room for me, too, and someday i will find it.

    • I think I made the child crazy yesterday with the number of times I said the phrase: her success is not your failure. But it is so very true 🙂

  26. I too did not realize I suffered from this until I just read this. Only, for me I’m realizing that it is “very crippling” (as was mentioned in an earlier reply post), so much so that I have let my fears of “outing myself as an imposter” completely render me frozen. I have a talent. Yet, I sit on it and do nothing because I’m not confident enough to call it true. I have always seen it as luck, without value, undeserved, and possibly fleeting. This was eye opening. I didn’t really understand what I was doing. Makes so much more sense now. Thank you for this post.

    • And yet I read this and see where you plainly states: I have a talent. and that makes me feel happy and smile and think it’s the first step forward.

  27. Never did put a name on it, but now I can say I have a horrible case of imposter syndrome. I’ve improved and actually know how to take a compliment and be proud of my work, but I still have to work on it.
    Thanks for sharing!

  28. Yes yes and yes! Probably every day! I often feel not quite enough to be considered an expert. I am working on changing that voice!

  31. “Being good at something leads you to discount it’s value”. Oh my gosh, isn’t that true! In my head, everyone can be a good manager because I can. Also, everyone can totally do endurance races if I can. I never thought of it as imposter syndrome as well (which in my young professional life I had in spades).

    • And it’s so amazing to me – – repeatedly I think this so often – – how looking at someone else’s life I would never discount anything. Those endurance races?? Freaking amazing to me.

      • Like you always have said….it’s just playing….but for longer periods of time.
        And TIME is the key word here….to be successful at them you need that time.

  33. Thanks for the post. As someone who is all about being “authentic”, this post struck a familiar chord. I often wonder if most of the world worries about their own sense of reality and the face behind the facade. Looking forward to the day when all of us appreciate ourselves and others — just the way we are.

  34. I began calling myself an imposter when in my 20’s—many many years ago. People loved me? Why? I did well? Why?
    I began a woman’s group that has gone on with the same people in various incarnations through today. Found out we all felt that we were imposters—and one of my friends was VP of HR at a major movie studio at 32. Still….
    Gradually the feelings diminished. I realized how much I accomplished. But don’t worry I replaced the imposter syndrome with “I’m going to be a bag lady and eat cat food….”Actually thought that was over but the last couple of months. it is making me very ambitious though

  35. Oh yes, Imposter Syndrome is the worst and it’s ubiquitous for a lot of people (myself included). I felt that way at Harvard, then as a personal trainer, now as I’m considering applying to PhD programs and writing my first book. Your words are a comfort and even though none of us should feel “less than” it really does help to know that all of us feel it sometimes.

  37. I have experienced Impostor Syndrome many times. I too joined a writing group and felt the same way.. that I didn’t belong. Recently I have been feeling this way about if, ” I am a good person” or not. I do a lot for many people, but someone recently made me question myself and my intention around my acts of kindness. It’s complicated, but I know what’s right and wrong. One person shouldn’t have this much control over me, and I’m really upset, so what they are claiming must be true. It has occupied my mind so much, to the point where I feel like I need someone to talk about with. These are great tips and a good place for me to start.

  39. I think motherhood is one giant test, and everyone acts like they aren’t terrified, and everyone else things everyone else has it all together, haha! We are all just always learning!

  40. I experience it often…and when I am not experiencing it, I know I will be soon 😉

    I overcome it by recognizing the feeling it creates in my body, acknowledging it, smiling and saying “Oh…there you are again!,” taking a deep breath, and not beating myself up for having it come around again.

    And then I remind myself, that which comes easily to me is valuable to others. Period.

  41. I like this very much!

    One useful thing I learned was that I needed to present material in a manor that could be easily accessed by the receiver. For some this meant my professional style, for others a more friendly street cred approach was better. Knowing when to do what was the bigger challenge, but worth the learning curve.

    We used to say the definition of an expert was someone with a box of slides more than 50 miles from home.

  42. I had the exact same reaction the first day of my first writing group with Jena. Holy moly those people could write these beautiful literary missives and scenes. And in 10 freaking minutes!! Meanwhile, I felt like mine just came out as vomit on the page. I know that I do have a big case of imposter syndrome and continue to discount my work, what I do and any success that I’ve had. Thank you for this Carla.

    • I will admit to thinking the first time: no way. You must’ve cheated 🙂 who the heck could write like that free-form 10 minutes without stopping and editing?? And then I admitted to myself that was just insecurity talking 🙂

  45. Great post and great points! This is definitely something I’ve struggled with, but less so in recent months. I think I realized that just bc something is easy for me doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone when I started training clients. Exercises that I thought were pointless were a struggle for some people. It made me realize that I should be happy for my abilities and take pride in them. Same thing happened in my writing. I would write something and think meh this is alright and then people would compliment me on how it was written. It was never something I thought about before.

    Thanks for the tips!

  46. Wow! I feel like this was written just for me Carla! I’ve been working on starting my own technical VA business and I keep second guessing myself about what I am capable of and what I’m not. I’ve been stressing myself out something awful.

  47. Great post. I’ve got it. I’m a professional juggler (really). I go to international juggling conventions and feel dwarfed. They are the best jugglers in the world. Who am I to be sharing the same gym? Yet, I am a female in a male dominated field and a woman over 50 in a young persons game AND I’m still in the game 24 years later. I could only myself until the last ball drops. Thanks for the reminder.

  48. Ah, and there is finally a name for this THING that I’ve thought about! Every once in a while I wonder if I “know enough” about my profession. Yes, of course I can always read more, attend workshops, and pay attention to the latest research, but I doubted my abilities as a personal trainer because I felt like I “knew what my clients knew” (which after many questions that I’m easily able to answer, I know now that they don’t always know what I know). I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m tooting my own horn…I can’t quite describe it in words. And now I’m rambling. Did that make any sense? I don’t know everything there is to know about health and fitness, but I know enough to be confident in my profession (for now).

  49. Do you think women suffer from it more than men? All the men/women studies we hear about at work seem to show that men suffer from the opposite problem. One recent statistic thrown at us was that men want to be 70% confident before they will promise something (what they can do for someone, what result they can achieve) while women want to be 100%. I’m trying to be as confident as a male colleague while still being true to my own sense of integrity!

    • I think men may experience this but I also think they overcompensate by way of reaction in a way we don’t. That said, the meme about “Dear Lord let me have the confidence of an average white male.” cracked me the hell up.
      It’s funny cuz it’s true?

  50. you nailed it , i have undercharged for services for a long time because I thought it was so easy or common sense why would someone pay me for it, DOH. It’s easy NOW, but it wasn’t always it took lots of work and experience.

  52. Thank you, thank you for this. I love the way you can take something that (based on comments alone) is something a LOT of us feel and manage to break it down in one blog post. So eye opening to think about people I respect and admire actually feeling this same way!

  53. The first time I read this phrase was a few years ago, and I think it was from Jenny Lawson (the Bloggess). It described me so perfectly. I’ve worked on this a lot–saw a doctor, among other things. We have such a strange dichotomy in our society. We are told “Go out and be successful! Put in the work and you can do whatever you want!” At the same time we’re told “Hey, calm down. No one wants to hear you talk about how wonderful you think you are. You’re not special.” So we’ve ended up in this place where we don’t know what to do with success when we make it (not find it, but make it), and so we down play as much as we can. I think it’s really clear in Hollywood where we love to build up someone who ‘came from nothing’ and then tear them down as soon as they’ve hit the top. Then they repent so that we can accept them for being so ‘human’ (look! they’re just like us!)
    Oooh, now I’m on a rambling roll so I’ll stop. But I know exactly how you feel and you help me think about how to move forward so thank you.

  55. This post is your best yet (I say that every time). The story about feeling uncomfortable around your husband when being “professional Carla” really touched me… Curious if it ever became clear to you why you felt that way or if you were able to work through it. I certainly feel this way around certain people as well but no idea why! xo

  57. I can totally identify with Impostor Syndrome, as a mom, as an I.T professional who’s field of study was Environmental Science (HA!), as an athlete, as a blogger, and the list can go on. Is it a lack of confidence? Not sure, but we all have it!

  58. Great post and I’ve been contemplating something similar as I saw a great article on this somewhere else recently!

    Love your honesty!
    xx

  60. Great ‘light bulb moment’ post!
    Didn’t know the term existed. Makes so much sense!
    Thanks for posting. Spreading the word…

  61. I’m living this right now. I graduated earlier this year and everytime I apply for jobs or get an interview or even have an idea for starting my own venture, I always second guess myself. Even though I know I’m pretty damn good at what I do.
    Definitely need to work on it.
    Thanks for the tips!

  62. I first read heard the term imposter syndrome while reading the book “Lean In” which I did in college. I’m currently out of college and working a full-time job, and after reading your post I’m reminded that I definitely call myself an imposter. If anyone says I’m smart, I brush it off and say “oh, you are too.” I never feel fully qualified to do anything 100%, which is greatly underestimating my abilities. Thanks for the reality check and tips on how to overcome!

  63. Oh my goodness, I DO THIS!!! My son told me just the other day that I always underestimate my true talents. MY SON told me this. I have way too many doubts and have recently been feeling too fearful about certain things in my life, to the point of paralysis. But I look like I’ve got my shit together, so… IMPOSTOR! Ugh.

    I think I’m going to take your suggestions and try to snap out of this.

    Thanks for sharing, lady!

Trackbacks

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This