5 f*cks Ive stopped giving.

by

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(Please let me find more f*cks tomorrow!)

Lately the number of f*cks any of us are left with on a particular day has become a joke.

A more truth is said in jest thing like our collective inability to Adult.

This levity is often expressed along the lines of:

I’d get all worked up about not being picked for _____ but I have no more f*cks left to give.

At first glance it seems just another foul-mouthed attempt to be funny, but if you consider the meaning behind the f-bombs it actually makes sense.

I’d get all worked up about not being picked for ___ but I’m too old for that and highly aware in the end it’s not important.

In a twisted, profanity-laden way, it’s also the same advice we give children and guidance many of us received as kids:

The key to success in life is not spending time worrying about what others think.

If you’re my 10 year old, the key to achieving comfy in life is to JUST DO YOU.

If you’re her mother, the key to life-success arrives when you realize none of it was ever about you.

How people treat you is only a reflection of how they feel about themselves (thank you Paul Coelho).

Not giving a f*ck isn’t about being contrarian it’s about being comfortable flying your freak flag.

It’s about not caring (AKA giving a f*ck) about the unimportant stuff and hoarding f*cks for things you’re passionate about.

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(I always have f*cks to give these two!)

Not giving a f*ck is the realization proffering f*cks for something or someone who wouldn’t give you a f*ck in return is a waste of time and energy.

Not giving a f*ck is acknowledging if we give a f*ck about everything (from being snubbed by a neighbor to not getting a freelance gig we didn’t r-e-a-l-l-y want) then it’s an indication we give not a true, deep, real f*ck about anything.

There exists a finite number of f*cks we each have to give.

As we age this finite number realization hits and, if you’re like I am, the finite-f*ks are a gift.

Life is enough as it is. I’m enough as I am.

I’ve too few f*cks left in my possession to yank ’em out for anything other than the important.

5 things I’m too damn old to give any f*cks about:

#1. If I’m awkward.

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It bears repeating: I’m awkward. I no longer possess any f*cks to give about that.

Sure, I’m curious if others are innately non-awkward or if they work to stifle urges like seizing moments of alone time on a TV set to test out dance moves. But, either way, I no longer have any f*cks left to give about my inelegant ways.

#2. If people like me.

#nofilter tee

When I’m on the receiving end of reader-compliments about my writing voice (I say thank you and) I let people know it’s the only voice I’ve got.

My response isn’t meant to brush off the nicety only to convey if they didn’t—I can’t change it (and I’m confident there are the same number of people who do not enjoy).

I’ve gotta do me.

I’ve reached an age where being Unapologetically Myself isn’t a facet of who I am–it’s my entire being.

I understand if you don’t delight in the me I present–but I’ve got absolutely no f*cks left to hand you back in return.

#3. If my sartorial selections are in style.

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Quite frankly this is the most obvious, on-the-surface indication of my rapidly depleting number of f*cks.

Does my beloved new coat make me look like a Wookiee? I adore it. Got no f*cks to exchange for your unrequested Wookiee-enlightenment.

Do my spectacles make me resemble the lovechild of Harry Potter and Harold? Yep. Checked my Coach purse spikey backpack. I’m plum out of f*cks for that, too.

Age appropriate? Remotely hip? I’ll probably not fall under either of those sartorial-umbrellas again in the future.

And yes. You guessed it. I simply cannot give a (alltogethernow) f*ck.

#4. If others believe in me.

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Now, more than any other time in my life, I need to believe in me.

I am really all I have.

I need to have unlimited f*cks to give about what I’m doing, who I’m doing it with and how much energy I’m giving to all of it.

My ideas and dreams may be lofty, but I always believe in them and in myself.

Do I care if others join me? With the exclusion of a few specific individuals—I do not.

The photo above was snapped mid-judging during a body-building competition. According to the judges I came in last.

Did I care?

Do I look like I care?

When the judges announced how they saw me I metaphorically checked my (lack of) pockets and found they contained absolutely no f*cks to give.

#5. About various & sundry ways I’ve already f*cked up.

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(I’m bold with my successes and my failures.)

Good lord, I’ve screwed up my life many times and in many ways.

Already.

And I’m confident I will again.

I’ve absolutely no regrets (AKA no f*cks to give) about the myriad ways Ive messed up.

These errors–big and small–make me who I am. They’ve taught me hard lessons. I can’t look back, ruminate, and redo these actions repeatedly in my mind.

I may not yet be in a place of gratitude for all my mistakes have taught me—but I’m getting there.

And, for that very reason, I’ve chosen to waste no more f*cks on them.

Now you.

  • Am I a curmudgeon (waves cane/shouts “git off my lawn!”)? Are you over age 20 and believe you’ve plenty of f*cks left?
  • What’s something on which you once squandered time & energy and have learned to no longer give a f*ck?

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Comments

  3. I stopped worrying about my appearance, for example, years ago. Or what people thought of me. Well, sometimes I still give a f*ck about that. I have saved my f*cks for what matters – family melodrama.

  6. It’s not curmudgeonly to figure out what’s important and only care about those things. It’s one of the wonderful benefits of growing wiser with the years.

    Agreeing with you wholeheartedly about not caring what others think of my sartorial choices, and i taught my children to dress to express themselves (within the limits of decency for our culture) and not care from a very early age. When Bigger Girl would wear paisley with stripes because that’s what she wanted and other mothers would look askance at her, i’d laugh and say, “That’s my little Beau Brummel! Let her express herself!” and they would usually laugh and let it go.

  7. So good!

    I give a LOT of f*cks about things that matter (sexist comments or hate speech? NOT IN MY SANDBOX), but have gotten pretty awesomely chill about other things that really don’t matter as I’ve gotten older. I feel very strongly, and I make a point of directing those energies towards things in life that matter and have an impact.

  8. I take my hat off to you Carla – anyone who can get their body to look like that in a bikini is beyond amazing (stuff what the judges thought!) My catchcry is a little more sedate – I go with not giving a “toss” rather than the f word – I save that for when things really get my goat. Midlife is SO great in the fact that we don’t have to give a toss about anything – go us!!

  9. Ok, sister, I am walking right beside you in the DGAF march! Thankfully, with age comes the ability to let things roll off our backs. For most of us, anyway!

  11. Amen, sistah! Since I have so many fewer f*cks at this age (I gave way too many when I was younger), I dole them out very carefully now, saving them for what really matters to ME. As others have said, the older I get, the fewer things there to give a f*ck about, especially what others think of me. Such liberation!

  12. I believe in you.

    My lack of f*cks started about 2 years ago. The minute I stopped caring about people not liking me it’s like why whole world changed. I was able to focus more on the people who did and nourish and treasure those relationships more. It is so freeing.

    Also yes, awkwardness is so awesome. Makes you, you. I like awkward.

  13. this —> How people treat you is only a reflection of how they feel about themselves (thank you Paul Coelho).

    Yes, i learned that. Finally. And finally learned to just DO me. LIke your daughter said.

    AMEN and I love your insight. AS ALWAYS

  14. You are not a curmudgeon.
    I find the older I get the less f*cks I have left, too.
    I used to care about expensive handbags and having the right jeans. I don’t have the energy for it anymore.
    I also don’t have the energy to worry about what others think of me. (as much)
    As always – great food for thought!

  15. I heard a psychiatrist the other day talking about his 18-40-60 rule.

    At 18 you are consumed by worrying about what others are thinking about you

    At 40 you don’t give a damn about what anybody thinks about you

    At 60 you realize that nobody’s been thinking about you at all!

  16. Umm…most of the things I worried about in my 20s and early 30s. Thankfully when I switched careers in my mid 30s I started to get a grasp on what really matters. Not that I don’t occasionally relapse in giving a f*ck but I feel like I am well on my way to recovery.

  17. I still give way too many f**ks but I’m certainly caring less about what people think. What do I really care about? Being the best me I can. It’s too bad that life doesn’t let that happen. Or my employer for that matter. I wish I could just be free to be me.

    Do you ever hear that comment: “oh you’re so funny!” which really means “oh you’re so weird?” ALL THE TIME.

  19. I don’t give a flying “f…” if I state the obvious when it?s important and people get uncomfortable.

  20. Carla, you’re such a go-getter! Love this and your rad voice. I’m going to pack these up in my f*ck bag and carry on right along with you!

  21. I FUCKEN LOVE YOU.
    This, today, this week, now yes 500% and why have we not seen each other for a walk? I’m just being a single mom, trying to navigate GD dating again, used up one of my f*cks, starting a business, getting back to my full Jenny versus the stifled one my ex stepped on, I need a shot of Carla, maybe a girl’s night, Trish, some other Mom Com folks. Just fucking on the calendar. You are the best baby.
    Jen

  22. LOVE this, Carla! I’ve gotta do me, too—homeschool my kids when others said “don’t do it”; write a humor blog whether anyone reads it, thinks its funny or not; jumpstart a freelance writing career after taking off a decade or so to raise a family. Not enough time or energy to give a f*ck about unimportant stuff. Yes to all you said!

  23. I don’t give a f*ck about leaving behind toxic people/situations. Why wallow in the drama? My f*cks are better served on productive endeavors

  25. So true. What is important to me is that I am content and happy with who I am, what I am doing in and with my life. I have no time, energy, or desire to care what others think! I accept who I am.

  26. Yup. The older I get the less fucks I have. And it’s very freeing. So very freeing. Confusing….but freeing. When I think of all the time I wasted worrying about things that I can do nothing about…that don’t matter in the big scheme of things? What a waste of energy. I didn’t fight to gain my life back to spend it worrying about what others think…

  27. This post is perfect! I think I am at a ‘certain age” now where I really and truly have only 3-5 F*cKS to give every day. One for each of my kids, one for my husband, one for my job and one to be used sparingly. That is it. If we get along, great. If we don’t and you don’t fit in, then guess what? I don’t have a F*CK left to give!

  28. There are SO many things that I no longer give a f*ck about! The hardest habit to kick is wanting people to like me. As I age, I realize not everyone likes you and sometimes it is as much about not liking themselves as anything to do with me. Great post! Love it. (PS. if you were last, then what would the rest of us be!?)

  30. The list of things I have unnecessarily cared about in my life is too long to enumerate. I am trying very hard to reframe now that I find myself in a new environment. I should write a book or two 😉

  34. I realized while reading this that for the last few weeks I have been giving my fucks away not just to people who don’t deserve them but that I don’t even KNOW these people. I’ve been depressed the last couple of weeks because of these people. :facepalm: I think every teen and 20-something should read this. My own daughter is giving her fucks away to someone who doesn’t deserve them and I can see the stress it’s causing. Thank you for the kick in the pants.

  35. LOVE the phrase… “we give not a true, deep, real f*ck about…. ”

    Here’s one thing I’ve run plumb out of f*cks for: my hair. I stopped coloring it (and to a greater or lesser extent, cutting it) about 3 years ago and never looked back. I’m SHOCKED to find I actually like the color (who the f*ck knew it was caramel-colored in the first damn place?), and readily admit I broke up with my expensive, $40-a-cut, make-your-appointment-3-months-in-advance-and-have-to-take-the-afternoon-off-work-to-make-it-happen hairdresser and started hitting up SuperCuts.

    Cuz my hair is just… f*ckin fine.

    I’ve got a f*ckin great career and Hubs and kid and dogs to give my f*cks for and they’re getting all the true deep real f*cks I got.

    Have a GREAT FECKIN DAY!

  36. Love this – and heading into my mid 30’s I can finally relate. In the past I so wanted not to care, but only over the past couple of years have I really started feeling it. Looking forward to having even less left to give at some point 🙂

  37. Really love this Carla! I guess I am still learning this… I am better. Certain things I have decided not to give a f*ck but others, I still do & yes, it eats away at me but I am always trying to improve on this not giving a f*ck when I really should not give a f*ck! 🙂

  38. Pretty much all the same things you don’t give a f*ck about the same ones I no longer do. One I’ll add: I have no f*cks to give in regards to how I run my business…meaning I’ll run it in a way that makes sense and feels good TO ME…not how all the business coaches say I should.

  39. YES! to.all.of.this. I still catch myself giving away my f*cks to things and people that are so not worth it – I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting there more and more. I know that when I focus on those people and things that truly matter to me, I am much happier. My goal is to do what I can to get my kids to understand this at a much younger age.

  41. Yes Yes Yes as of turning 32 (when did that happen) I truly have no F*CKS left at all. I am who I am, I do what I do and you know what? I’m happy!

  42. Love it. I think replacing priorities with f*cks kind of drives the point home. 🙂

    I think I have the same amount of f*cks, but I’ve realized how to spend them more wisely. Rather than worrying about what people think of me or what I should be doing or acting my age or acting like a proper woman or whatever… I just decide who I want to be and do my best to get there. I’m pretty happy being me and the f*cks I give are about the people I love and all of us getting where we want to be.

  43. Only an “ex” husband because he’s the father (I use the term loosely) of my daughter. Now I have no more anything to give him-
    I gave up giving a “f” about things that weren’t (aren’t) suited to me and my belief system for a long time…like I started not giving an “f” in high school even and began charting my own path then.
    At work I am truly known as the “laid back” older lady who doesn’t give an “F” about drama but focuses on the needs of the children only.

  45. You nailed this Carla. I actually had a conversation not wasting energy on people or things that don’t matter. We all have our own thought processes and demons, thankfully, as we age, those demons fade away more and more each day. G-d has a plan for us and what is brought into our lives, for better or worse, is the stuff called living. So, instead of the blame game or “why me”, I embrace what is close to me and love it even more. The things that aren’t meant for me, well, bye bye! No, “what if I had done this” or “what if I’d done that”. Just exist, be present, and give all that is in your space, withing arms reach , and meant for every ounce of focus!! Clarity!

  46. I have no clue how I missed this for days but boy am I glad to have found it! I SO needed to read this because I really really really want to give no f*cks about what other people think and just DO ME!!! Thank you Carla. You hit this one out of the park!

  49. Carlaaa, this post made me LOL!
    Doing the Yoga Teacher Training REALLY helped me give 10 less f*cks than I normally would have, including what people think of me….okay and basically other things that stem from wondering/carrying what people think of me.

  51. Reading this was a great start to my weekend, thanks.
    I’ve found getting older very liberating, especially in terms of my concerns about what others are thinking about me. Generally I think they are probably busy with their own lives and not thinking about me at all!

  52. The only people I truly care about are my son and my boyfriend. Other than them I could not give a flying f*ck. Stopping by from the Sharefest.

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