Are You A Happiness Bully?

by

Nashville

We’ve established I love me some trashtastic television.

Gilmore Girls, Friday Night Lights, all things BRAVO.

Quite frankly, I don’t know if it’s better or makes me profoundly more annoying (I think the latter) I actually pay attention to the trashy shows as I watch.

I don’t just bask in the mind-candy of the experience.

I absorb scenarios. I dissect dialogue. And, as a result, I often find myself pondering all of it long after the episode has ended.

(Another reason why I rarely binge, errr, marathon view. Too much at once. Not digestable.)

Lately, with news of its cancellation, I’ve again grown obsessed with Tami Taylor as Rayna Jaymes in Nashville.

I’m back in love with pop country, giggling at how soapie the show is, and longing for full skirts and fuller follicles.

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I wish she were old enough to see more than snippets.

The other evening as I watched my nightly ration a character said to another (paraphrasing):

You’re a happiness bully.

A happiness bully.

That incongruous pairing of words remained in my head for days.

It became the backdrop of all I saw (online and off).

I watched fellow optimists (I’m a my glass is overflowing may I pour some in yours?) aggressively strive to “cheer” people up and wondered:

Is there truth in the phrase happiness bully?

We’ve talked about the power of defensive pessimism and why choosing to believe worst case scenario isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

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I watched as well-meaning friends admonished others to Be positive!!, Look on the bright side!! and lobbed platitudes as strongly worded as Someone out there is praying for what you take for granted!!

I cringed as I recalled times I’d said & done the same sort of thing.

I considered the definition of bullying and challenged myself to sit with the question of if I’d happiness bullied.

I got all kinds of uncomfy with whether I’d Scarlett O’Connor‘ed others in my zeal to drag them away from “all the feelings” instead of having faith & trusting they can handle uncomfortable emotions .

You’re a happiness bully.

I re-framed interactions and could see I’d been accidentally domineering in an attempt to bring the happy (life is a gift! that’s why it’s called the present! we should be glad to be here!!).

I reflected on scenarios, now that I possessed the 20/20 gift of hindsight, where I was bossy in my misguided attempts to to help.

Did another b-word also describe my aggressively happy efforts? Was bossy, not bullying, my answer?

I was an English Lit major.

I enjoy words. I love discussing words. I adore interesting word pairings.

I’m still intrigued by the powerful image “happiness bully” conjures in my mind.

And you?

  • Have you accidentally happiness bullied, too?
  • Do you believe (to quote The Wonder Years) it’s not about forcing happiness it’s about never letting sadness win?

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Comments

  1. Interesting. I must admit that I’m a happiness bully. I’d much rather try to spin things in the positive direction. I never thought of it as causing more angst and anxiety than good.

  2. Oh I am so a happiness bully…but I actually noticed that my mom is a super intense happiness bully and I realize that sometimes it isn’t what I or others need…so I have tried to tone down my happiness bullying….sometimes just sitting with reality AKA a crappy day is ok…we don’t ALWAYS have to put the rosy glasses on but I think if given the choice I’d choose happiness bully over negative bully 🙂

  3. Once again, so interesting. I am no a happiness bully, and I think that is because I know how much I HATE when people try to make me happy/talk me into being happy in a forceful way when I am not. Sometimes, I just want comfort–so that is what I try to provide first, and then maybe get them to smile with one of my witty comments (lol).

  4. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband a few years ago when I accused him of sucking the joy out of everything (he’s very pragmatic–the yin to my yang). He said, “oh that’s me, the joy sucker!” And a new phrase was born.

    Naturally, he diffused all the tension and we laughed…

  5. I think you and I have had snippets of this conversation. I’m not naturally a glass half full gal but thinking about it, I can be a happiness bully when it’s someone who’s always glum and gloomy and poo-pooing things and I feel like I almost overcompensate for that.

  6. I’m not a happiness bully – I have a little too much Eeyore in me to be one. I’m more of a “you’re right, that sucks. let’s go get a beer and laugh until we cry while we ignore whatever’s sucking” kind of girl. I know that many of my negatives are things others would love to have as their biggest problem, but I hate it when someone reminds me of that.

  7. I think there’s a fine line. To use one of my usual metaphors – having a running injury sucks, there’s no way around that, so I need to wallow and feel sorry for myself, but I also need to have hope/faith that I will recover and do the work (or rest) it will take for that to happen. So, when someone else is struggling, I think it’s important to acknowledge the struggle but also give them hope that things will get better. But when a colleague at work tells me to “smile”, I have to bite my tongue …

  8. Re-run…
    Not a “happiness bully”- just “happy”.
    Most blogs/FB threads are full of “life is so hard”, “being consistent is so difficult”, “running sucks”, “my butt hurts from cycling”, “I am so slow in the water”, “how can I lose weight and be my former self”- and then the writers are “rewarded” with like-minded responses. I see bunch of “misery loves company” daily.
    Just do what you love- and if you don’t …stop it.

  9. I love how you examine yourself and your motives. So funny, because a comment you made on twitter had me thinking in kind of this direction this morning..and then I read this post. I just adore you. 🙂

  10. I am a firm believer that it’s okay to be sad but like the Wonder Years, you just can’t let it win. I to take the listening approach when someone needs to talk about their current unhappy state but that may have something to do with the fact that I have a background in counseling 😉

  11. Mostly i try to laugh with those who are laughing and cry with those who are crying, but believe the positive will win in the end for myself and others. Now i will sit and think, making sure i’m not trying to push crying people into happiness when it’s not yet time.

  12. Guilty…I am all things joy and positive attitudes. Of course, I get sad and mad…but do so much better when I face each day with joy and thankfulness. And I love to dissect dialogue in the Gilmore Girls! One of my favorites…can’t wait for the reunion.

  13. It’s taken me so long to get on board the happiness train and start being more positive and less worse case scenario-ish that I’m willing to risk being a happiness boss. I’ll try not to shove it down the throat of other people though 🙂

  14. I am a happy person. This is something I don’t have to work at or even think about. I am very aware that other people have to learn to be happy, find happiness skills. There is a big difference between the ‘Positive Police’ and being happy. Going through cancer if I had a dollar for every person from the ‘Positive Police’ tell me to keep a positive attitude, like that would cure cancer, I would be very rich!

  15. There are times when it is appropriate to be ‘unhappy’. I feel the problem is when being ‘unhappy’ becomes your defining persona. Example – we just had friends over for snacks yesterday afternoon. We are all middle aged, healthy, employed, our extended families are all good; essentially nothing to complain about. Even the weather was beautiful. But the first words out of one friend’s mouth when asked how she was: Life sucks, work sucks, this weekend has sucked.
    Am I a happiness bully? No. I am the JOY police!!
    😉

  16. The Wonder Years quote I am. I don’t try to push happiness on people, especially when a pain is great. I tell them to feel the pain and embrace it because it’s real. But then I go on to say…the day will come when the hurt will transform to a better understanding, and even in some cases joy.

  17. I am positive I fit the happiness bully description, often. I was discussing social media happiness images/quotes with a friend the other day and she was remarking how the ones that imply “you can THINK yourself out of this negative hole!” must be especially hard for people with mental illness. I believe as with everything it’s a balancing act.

  18. I am guilty as charged because I made choosing to see the bright side my habit. Although I totally get the need to feel sadness and mourn the loss of a preferred outcome, I’d rather be with an eternal optimist than the opposite.
    –Pollyanna ; )

  19. I am guilty of a little happiness bullying myself as I’m sure most of us are. I love Nashville, it is my favorite show right now, I’m so sad that they are canceling it.

  20. Fascinating piece, as always. I want to be happy, but I too can be an Eeyore once in a while. I don’t think I force happiness on my family, but I do listen to them when they are down and try to find something to relieve the tension. Oh and Pollyanna, yes. There’s a little bit of her in me too.

  21. When I think of a bully, I think of someone with ill intent. For the most part, “happiness bullies” don’t have ill intent, I think they tend to fall into two categories: Those who cannot emotionally deal with other people’s unhappiness themselves, or those who genuinely want to help.

    I know a lot of people who spring a lot of platitudes and often misguided advice, when you have chronic illness, it’s something you (read; I) get a LOT. but fr the most part I try to remember that it’s not ME, it’s THEM, or they’re trying their best to help, in which case I just roll my eyes and move on.

    As someone who’s constantly told to look on the bright side (“hey, you don’t HAVE to get up and go to a boring job! You may be homeless, but you have the BEACH! At least you’re not in a wheel chair!” ) I realize that a lot of people who fall into this “happiness bully” category genuinely don’t get it… whatever it is… and have absolutely no malice in their hearts.

    On the other hand, I guess, in many ways, I am my own kind of happiness bully… or at least an attitude bully, because I’m constantly saying “it is what it is. Suck it up, buttercup, and move on.” Not sure that’s too much different …

    • I’m not a happiness bully and as a male who has worked with hundreds and hundreds of men I can say that many of them are. Just what I need after my best friend died or my little dog, a bunch of platitudes from people who’ve yet to go through it.

      Happiness bullys point you towards their idea of normal when to every season turn, turn, turn, there is a reason turn, turn turn, turn… You should know what I’m getting at by now.

      I despise happiness bullies. Great terminology for them.

  22. I think I tend to to happy bully in an effort to prevent other people’s sadness/anger from spilling over onto me. Since the Princess has been struggling with depression, though, I’ve been working on changing that. Depression cannot be cajoled or bullied and it just makes the situation worse. Now I try to focus on listening and supporting friends and family when they are in a tough place instead of forcing my inner Tigger on their Eeyore. At the same time, I am working on my own boundaries to make me feel less prone to emotional spillover. It’s a learning process, but worth the effort. Thanks for another thought-provoking post, Carla.

  23. I have to admit that does kinda make me nuts. When someone is sad I’m always empathetic and never try to bully them into a happiness state. I never thought about this topic before wow. Now I’ll even be more acutely aware!

  24. I am definitely not a happiness bully! 🙂 I think this stems from my upbringing & life experiences too. Honestly, I do think it is good for us to feel what we are feeling sometimes & not mask it which can lead to a BLOW!!! 🙂

  25. This is a fascinating question. A happiness bully. I’m definitely not a happiness bully. I’m probably more pessimistic than anything. BUT! I’ve definitely tried to cheer people up before. But I do know when I’m down, sometimes I Just would rather cry it out than hear someone say “Cheer up,” “things will get better,” or the dreaded “your kids are only young once!” Because then there’s guilt, too.

  26. I don’t think I’m a happiness bully, but I’m definitely one of those people who default to a glass-half-full position. If someone around me is down, I try to be empathetic and meet them where they are. But I’m not one to play “ain’t it awful.” Great post, Carla–thought-provoking, as always!

  27. I tend to look for connection with people, and if they are negative try to coax them towards a more positive discussion. However, I have felt that so-called negative emotions like sadness, grief, etc have a normal purpose in our lives and during those times we need to lean into them rather than try to escape them.

  28. “I absorb scenarios. I dissect dialogue.”

    ME TOO. I have *the worst* taste in movies and TV shows (we should compare notes some time ;)) but — aside from getting a kick out of the awfulness and finding it really funny — I also love watching for the commentaries on human nature and our society, for the way relationships are portrayed, etc. If we watch with a critical eye, we can get something out of anything — no matter how trashy it is 🙂

  29. Gulp. I think I’m guilty of being a happiness bully or at least a happiness pest. I see people who live negatively (always focusing on the bad) and can’t help but suggest they try being more positive. Sometimes its taken well. Other times its met with an eye roll. Whatever, maybe we’re just wired the way we’re wired.

  30. Such an interesting question & comments!

    I don’t think I’m a naturally overly optimistic, cheerful person even though I make an effort to see the good in every day (which has been proven a real challenge over the last year…). I think when people are not happy, overly happy people often don’t help them (from my own experience and from what I have observed interacting with others who are not happy at the moment). Sometimes we just have to feel negative emotions. And we have to allow others to feel those emotions.

    I do think it’s important that we don’t get absorbed by sadness long term, and I have tried to refocus others’ energy and attention away from sadness. Makes me wonder how they viewed my efforts…

    • YES you are so right with the NOT GETTING ABSORBED THERE LONGTERM as well. It’s such a fine line between embracing and getting STUCK in the sad.

  31. I love this post! I am also a lit major and love to examine words and how they go together and how that makes the meanings change. Oh, and I may be accused of making up words sometimes, too. I am going to be thinking about this for days, I just know it.

    For the record, I am not a happiness bully, but I don’t believe I am a pessimist either.

    Thanks for the interesting thoughts!

  32. I am only a “happiness bully” to myself. I find myself feeling guilty about feeling disappointment, especially if I am disappointed about something that I deem frivolous (but that I still really wanted or was excited about). I’m really good at guilting myself 😀

  33. For me it’s more than sometimes I just want to wallow. So if someone tells me to ‘cheer up’ or ‘it’ll be okay’ it’s not what I’m looking for.

    Not their fault I realise. It’s a bit like my habit of playing the victim. I don’t really want anything from people other than for them to acknowledge that I feel shitty.

    My mother tells me I used to do that as a kid. I’d go running to her to tell her something ‘bad’ my brother had done (usually not bad – just teasing etc) and she said she’d say, “Oh he’s a naughty boy sometimes.” (Or similar) And I’d skip off. Perfectly happy.

  34. I think our culture is so strange about sadness. It’s like it’s not OK for people to be sad, even when it is an appropriate time to be sad. When my mother was dying, there were times when I felt like I had to sneak off somewhere to cry, because if I did it anywhere that was not completely private, someone always felt like they had to find out what was wrong, or try to “cheer me up”. Sometimes I think people just need to trust that you are feeling sad for an appropriate reason and coping with it in an appropriate way and just leave you alone and just let you get through it. #SITSSharefest

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