No is not a four-letter word.

by

say-no

Tomorrow The Husband and The Child leave for a 48 hour trip to Chicago.

I was invited.

I paused (good to give illusion of consideration).

I smiled (kindness always).

I responded:

No, thank you.

The no was unexpected (The Child), not delightful to hear (The Husband), and completely my prerogative (we’ll get to Bobby B. later).

rsz_image14

(it will look like this. I am very OK with this.)

I can’t believe you did that, a friend responded when I shared my two-letter success. I’m impressed.

While I don’t often have opportunity to NO which offer such decadent, 48 hour results (I plan to write, sleep & ambulate the canine)—I do NO easily and without hesitation.

I get steamrolled by other people, my friend continued. I can’t say NO.

You *can,* I encouraged her.

And I shared my secrets.

4 steps to a confident NO:

1. Decide it’s OK.  Be kind, but unapologetic. Be Meghan Trainor (I’m serious. Play the song. Learn the song. Be the song.) Give yourself permission. Choose to make saying no OK. You don’t need permission. You make your own decisions. It’s your prerogative. (shout out to you, Bobby).

2. Identify priorities. Remember our mission statements? Get them out or, if you skipped ’em before, create statements now. Why? Clear priorities make it easier to utter that one syllable word with confidence. Would you prefer to spend time on goals you’ve identified or on a new commitment? I know my priorities. Ive written my mission statements. I know immediately when something is a NO for me.

3. Brevity. Brevity. Brevity. People tune out after they hear NO or anticipate NO coming. Details and extraneous information make it appear there might be a chance your mind could be changed. Say no, say no nicely, offer yer no with one reason why it’s a nay and be done.  The best thing I’ve learned from frequent NO’ing is I do, in fact, possess the ability to speak and then “sit with the silence.”

4. Say YES to something else…if it works.  “I can’t do this, but I can…” Identify a smaller/different commitment you can make. It’s a yes, but a yes on your terms. I rarely do this in the moment unless something springs to mind I’m positive Id not mind doing. Typically I reach out later, gently reiterate my NO and offer a few choices for YES.

As I explained to my oft steamrolled friend: NO’ing is all as simple as that.

It takes time to strengthen the muscle (as with all things in life), but with practice it becomes habit.

And the reward for creating margins and boundaries?

A sense of empowerment which spills over into all facets of life.

  • Do you struggle to say NO with confidence?
  • Do people ever mistake your NO for a maybe in disguise?

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Comments

  1. Saying NO has come easier as I age. My priorities are just that and if I don’t want to do something, I’d rather not do it just because ‘I should.’ And Bobby is absolutely right. Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head all day…

    • I was very very sad 🙂 the child was not as smitten with the song (as I am) when I played it for her! here’s hoping she grows into her BobbyLove

  2. I ramble and you are right. I had not noticed before but the more I talk the more people talk me out of my no!

  3. Uhhhh I am the worst at saying NO but I have to also recognize that I have gotten much better since becoming a mom and wife. Now I realize I must focus on my priorities…I have gotten better and focusing on my family and friends and knowing that no one is judging me for my no’s but usually they will respect me MORE for my no’s.

  4. I’m starting to need to say no to some things. Like my best friend’s bachelorette party. Because otherwise, I will bankrupt myself this summer. But I am also saying yes to blogfest, so there is some balance there.

    • And there are SO MANY GOOD THINGS ABOUT IT! I could use to be a bittadMORE of a people pleaser 🙂 why does there never exist any happy medium in life?!

  6. I’ve gotten much better about saying no. There are enough things in my life that I have to say yes to that makes me very careful about what optional things I say yes to. I don’t like feeling crazy busy, so I create buffers (or margins as you call them) in every day where I can just chill for a bit.

  7. SO much YES to saying NO. I have learned that I have to say no in order to keep myself sane and have stopped apologizing for it!

  8. I have learned that “No.” is a complete sentence. “No, thank you.” if the situation calls for it. Or “Thanks, but no.” Enjoy your 48 hours!

  9. Ahhhhh…..home alone time……my favourite treat! I think you’ll have a fabulous time hanging out doing your own thing for those blissful 48 hours. Good on you for grasping the value of that magic word “No” 🙂

  10. I recently had an experience where people thought that my “no” was that I didn’t feel confident enough to say “yes.” I had to explain politely and firmly that I was completely confident that I could take on the responsibility if I wanted to, but that I DIDN’T WANT TO and that I knew exactly what I was doing by saying “no.”

    For me that’s one of the most challenging parts — when other people think they know what’s good for you. (Me: “thanks but I know my own mind better than you know it okay bye now!”)

    • That’s so interesting as well. It’s funny in a sense as MY first thought with your scenario is the other person once said NO to somethings/he really wanted to do but felt scared…and will project that on others from that moment on.

  11. It’s been a very long time since I had any qualms about saying no. People pleasing isn’t a job description for life. I’ll give anyone a hand if they need it and I can help, but my priorities start with what makes me happy. I guess it’s the upside of aging.
    b

  12. I’ve gotten better at saying NO but not with such confidence. It’s easier when I have a good excuse (triathlon training, work, family obligations, now studying, etc). If I don’t have a great excuse or it’s for a really close friend/family I have trouble with it, but I’ve learned to say “let me check my schedule and get back to you” when I’m not 100% sure I’m in.

    • YES to the schedule check. I am such a fan (although it’s not my thing :)) of Oprah’s LET ME PRAY ON IT and then, if someone presses her, she says something along the lines of JESUS TOLD ME TO SAY NO. She said NO ONE EVER ARGUES WITH JESUS 🙂

  13. Time alone at home sounds wonderful! I can imagine their surprise. No is an unexpected answer. I totally agree, it’s so empowering.

  14. I am awful at saying no especially at work! Oh sure! Sure thing! I just struggle with it! However I need to get to it because I find myself in things that I really don’t want to be doing!!

  16. I have always been pretty good at saying NO but sometimes I do overdo the explanations. It sure is hard for some people to HEAR though!

  18. I used to be the worst at saying no, and now… I’ve learned to say no sometimes, but probably not enough. That said, I was pretty proud of myself for turning down an interview for a position that I realized I truly didn’t want. Enjoy your alone time!

  20. Saying no has definitely gotten easier as I’ve gotten older. I have no hesitation saying no when I have to. Love your tips for making it easier!

  21. I have grown much more comfortable with saying no as I’ve gotten older. Now I’m much clearer in my priorities and much less concerned with making everyone else happy at my own expense. Once you get comfortable with saying no it is unbelievably freeing!

  26. GAH. I love you. I really need to spend more time with you. You’re my spirit person or something. Love this. I’m sharing it in my Year of Yes group because we always talk about the importance of saying no.

    YESSSSSS.

    xo

  27. Looooooove this!
    I’m a big fan of “no” and I won’t apologize for it.
    I’ll see through obligations, but if I’m not excited about something, I’ll pass and do me without a second thought.

  28. No…

    Interestingly, no is one of the first empowering words we learn as babies. Maybe too well sometimes.

    I will add this. I was raised in Chicago, and this is a good time of year to go there 🙂

  29. as a never ending people pleaser I’ve discovered in the past few months my life is better when I say no to things. In the moment it feels quite strange to say it but for my sanity I have to.

  30. As long as it is done in a tactful manner, saying “no” more often can be so liberating. Great post!

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