I want you hold me.

by

(please to STOP, sit down, & commence gazing at your own navel as I proceed to blog whilst gazing into mine)

It’s been a wee while since Ive blogged stream of consciousness.

Whether it appears so or not (and believe me given my writing style Im cognizant of the fact it does not)—I tend to blog, put away, retrieve later, edit the crap out of said blog & post.

Not tonight.

These muzings have been rattling around in my brain for so long I simply need somewhere to dump them and you, as a captive audience for as long as you dont clickaway! clickaway!, are the unlucky reciepients.

Lately my daughter has been going through the normal IM FIVE!! progression of separating & retreating back to me to be sure Im still here.

When we head out to terrorize our local bookstore she immediately wanders off with her ‘friends’ with me watching like the proverbial hawk & is slowly readying herself for the breaking-away which is kindergarten.

Invariably, after any occasion where she’s gallivanted off on her own, as soon as we’re home she becomes extra clingy and says:

I want you hold me.

Which brings me to my point (rather circuitously yet more rapidly than I’d anticipated when I hit NEW POST):

When do we lose the ability to make ourselves vulnerable & plainly state what we need.

When do we veer away from I want you hold me & toward feeling as though we must do everything on our own and/or expect others to guess what we need?

Ren Man & I have talked about this ad nauseum and have come up empty.

I know for me the ability to ask for what I need has been a decades long evolution.

One which started as a joke (a mocking of a Days of Our Lives scene where one character approached another and wailed HOLD ME ABE!!) & has slowly evolved to many a serious moment.

What I wish for my girl is that she is *not* me in this realm.

What I wish for my girl is she can always express I want you hold me & allow herself to be vulnerable with people no matter how risky an endeavor that may at times feel to be.

What I wish for my girl is she may reap the benefit of your wisdom and life-experience.

When was the last time you metaphorically(or literally) uttered the words: I want you hold me.

To whom are you able to make yourself vulnerable?  Did this list used to be longer?

If youre like most of us grown-up types & have temporarily lost this ability whats your I want you hold me youve grown unable to speak?

I know I always say please to hit  me up in the comments, but today more than ever I seek your wisdom.

Please to hit us ALL up below.

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Comments

  1. It IS hard to be vulnerable. For whatever reason society expects us to be strong. Vulnerability is interpreted as weakness when they’re really not the same at all.

    With my most recent visit to the hospital I was completely at the mercy of the people around me. And it sucked. I was afraid. I was hurting. I was sick and tired of being cooped up in the hospital AGAIN!

    I found myself needing to be consoled. Pretty tough for a grown man to completely break down and ask for comfort; however anyone was willing to provide it.

    That was the last time I needed someone to hold me.

    And it must be 1am cause there’s no way that a fully awake Ryan would have admitted that on the internet 😉

    I hope Emma gets all that you hope for her too!

  3. I’m still finding that “ask for what you need” thing to be problematic, at times, but I’m working on it. And thanks to fd for reminding me to check out the tedx with Brene Brown. Her comments at the Blissdom keynote were very intriguing. 🙂

  4. I know this is definitely something I struggle with. Being raised by a single Mom and single Grandmother I grew up learning the unspoken rule of you dont need to need anyone you should be able to stand on your own and take care of things yourself. With out getting into to much detail in a comment here I had to do this as a fairly young child even. Especially now as a single parent having lost both my parents now it is very hard to find that person I could say “I need you to hold me”. I try to reach out but still constantly find myself fighting to keep that wall the size of the Great Wall of China from going up around me.

  5. This is a tough one I have to say myself. I use to be able to tell my husband what I need, but after 20 years of marriage I have learned to accept the fact that I’m not going to get “certain things”, so I’ve built up the wall and I don’t state my true feelings when it comes to “my needs”. That isn’t good, but it protects me in some way.

  6. What an amazing post, Miz.
    I know for me I’ve lost all sight of what it is I even need any more.

  8. This is a tough subject for me as I tend to keep my vulnerability close to the vest. BUT when I do open up it seems my burden gets lighter instantly. I should do that more often.

  9. I love this challenge as it is key to overall health,too.
    Mine is YOU CAN DO IT HELEN.

    I need to ask to hear that more frequently.

  10. Great post, great thoughts – and – a great question! At some point in our lives we start hearing those ever popular words – “Just grow up!” – I believe it’s then that we begin to lose the ability to truly say what we “need”. After all, “grown ups” aren’t supposed to ask for help right?

    How do we break out of the tendency to “not” ask for help? Learn how to trust again and discover those who are close to you who will respond in kindness..

    At least those are my thoughts.

  11. Couldn’t agree with you more! I used to be very bad at expressing any form of “I want you to….”. Josh kind of taught me to get back to that a bit. It was almost refreshing to know someone didn’t want to beat around the bush, they’d rather just know what I want!

  12. I can not even remember a time when I didn’t approach life with the attitude of I have to do this all myself.

    Lots of food for thought today, MizFit.

  13. off to wrangle my morning but had to STOP and say THANK YOU.

    There have been a few posts where I hit publish and thought: I hope anyone comments.

    This is one of them.

    Thank you for reading, sharing and meeting me where I am.

  14. What a sweet child! It must warm your heart sooo much to have a gentle being asking for a hug.

    I don’t remember ever feeling able to be vulnerable. I was an anxious child that wanted to prove she was strong and could do everything by herself – the moments when I asked my mother (cause I wouldn’t ask anyone else) for help where moments of defeat, when I was so tired and so frustrated that, like all children, I resorted to throwing a tantrum until mom got me from the ground and held me in her arms – something to which I’d often react violently. It got much worse as I got older.

    It’s only been a few years since I’ve started hugging people again, can you believe that? As it was supposed to be, it started with my mother. I see she suffers with the same awkwardness and shyness to be vulnerable, and could use a hug as much as I could! I started with it playfully, making fun of a CSI episode where a girl with some seriously ninja hearing capacities keeps asking “can you give me a hug?” to about everyone. Now I’m becoming more comfortable with just saying that I need a hug, and it’s so refreshing!

    I do hope your girl never develops the need to close herself, Miz. That she never miss the opportunity to have the love and comfort she needs because of shyness or fear. I wonder if it’s possible at all, since we all seem to go through this process, unfortunately, but if there is a way to “skip the cynical phase” (that seems to only get corrected much later, if at all!) I’m sure she’s one of those who can make it. It looks like she’s surrounded by a wonderful family.

    Also, you should try the whole stream of consciousness thing more often. It’s great to read such raw and true emotions! I smiled all the way through your post!

  15. I have seen my twins go through this, too.
    One has lost her “I want you hold me” while the other has not.

    Since I raised them the same way 🙂 I think perhaps some of it is nature.

  16. Another voice for Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability. Amazing stuff.

    The fact that your darling articulates her needs means that she is way ahead of the game. The fact that she is not shamed for needing means she’s already a winner.

    I am working on this area of my life right now and was just thinking about this very question yesterday. I am very willing to tell my adult daughter that I’m really needing some daughter time. My code for this with Bick is to say “I need you to pat my head and tell me I’m pretty”. Which is rather joke-y and I should just come right out and say what I want rather than use this short-hand.

    Great topic and I love reading the replies.

  17. I was always like Julie above.

    I felt as though I needed to be self-sufficient even when i was a girl.

    • Aw, sorry to hear that, Bea. On the bright side, we can both learn to be vulnerable again. What about a hug, huh? lol! (((( Bea )))) 😉

  18. … pondering …

    After a hard day I will tell my husb that “I need a hug,” and that simple holding and touching has some powerful healing. But there are other things I need that I don’t both asking for. I just “suck it up and deal with it.”

  19. Great post! “Hold me” is something I often say to my husband (though in a much less soap opera-ish manner) because just a minute or two of an embrace from him bolsters me up when I’m feeling not so strong.

  20. OK, Carla, first I have to say – I LOVE DAYS OF OUR LIVES!!!!. That is the one soap I record & watch & have for too many years to count. My mom started me on it along with Dark Shadows – yes, my mom let us watch Dark Shadows & I loved it! Anyway, I am a Days watcher!!!!

    Back to your very important point! Loved this post & all that went in to it. Honestly, I don’t think I ever learned to ask for what I want. I remember as a very young child, wanting to pls others & not really asking for what I needed.

    I think sometimes my actions say it louder than words… I really have to ponder this some more!

    Great post as always.. making us think & be better!

  21. Wow. I had not thought about this. You are so right. (As always, of course.) I can absolutely see myself in this. Vulnerable is a great word. And shouldn’t we feel secure enough with our loved ones to never feel that? What are we afraid of? And why don’t we open up and say everything we are thinking but not saying too?

  22. I know for a fact that I stopped cold when the day came where I asked someone I trusted for what I needed and they turned me down flat. I think because what I needed wasn’t very much and the turn down felt like a huge rejetction, from that point forward I said “Eff it, I’ll do it/get it/find it myself.” And while my head knows that you shouldn’t let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch, my heart is afraid to go there.

  23. Keep encouraging your little one, Miz. My daughter is 10 now and still comes home and says “I want mama!” and attaches herself to me. I don’t remember still doing that at her age, but I’ll take it for as long as she’ll give it to me.

    My big hangup is asking for help. It’s so ingrained to think we’re weak, stupid, incapable if we need to ask for help with the things we need to get done. I’m working hard on this one lately. There’s a chore list on the fridge. But I’m stubborn and usually still have the whole list crossed off by the time anyone else gets home. I’d rather try to do it all myself than ask for help and not get it and be angry about it. It’s a work in progress I guess.

  24. I’m one of those that can’t ask but expect my love ones to “know” what I need. Part of it is hating that I might need that emotional help. Vulnerability is just so darn uncomfortable! Yes, I’m one of those “suffer in silence” kinda people. Yes, I’m trying…trying to not be 🙂

  25. Love love love this post Miz. So poignant. For me the holding back from the Hold Me is the fear of looking weak, the fear of being needy… but I’ve found if you let people in a little, without being a total angstypants and/or drama queen, you get a whole lotta love and support in return 🙂

  26. Wow, interesting post and comments!

    I have a hard time asking for anything and have been that way for as long as I can remember. I’ve never stopped to wonder why until reading your post. I’m wondering if it has something to do with being the oldest child? I have 3 younger siblings and I was always the mature, responsible one who helped look after the younger ones. Which should not be seen as any kind of negative reflection on my parents – they were always very present in our lives, spent a lot of time with us and we always knew they cared and would be there for us. But maybe having taken on that role, it became expected of me and then I expected it from myself.

    I do think that I started to shut myself off from people a bit as I grew older and learned that others could be mean. I am shy and introverted – those things are part of my nature – and learning that you can’t always count on people or trust them to be kind made me retreat into myself I think.

    That said, I will ask my husband for a hug if I want/need it. Or rather I will stand in front of him and hold out my arms. I’m not a hugger, I don’t want to hug most people, but a husband-hug always makes me feel better.

    Well. You asked for navel-gazing and you got it. 🙂

    • Hmmm, I was thinking just the same re: oldest child syndrome. With two younger siblings, my mum would often ask me to do things for myself when I was growing up, and praise me for it. Lesson learned: doing everything on your own is a GOOD thing.

      • I have oldest child syndrome too, compounded by my mom being chronically ill from when I was in junior high. I still have trouble asking for help, and in saying “No, that’s your responsibility,” at home and at work.

  27. First, I love this post and I am constantly amazed at the depth, variety, expertise, and quality you bring to your blog/online presence. You have a unique gift of being able to challenge people, in every aspect of themselves.

    I have read all of the wonderful comments, and see so many familiar stories. We have developed so many other coping mechanisms to circumvent the simple asking of what we need.

    For me, though, this post made me think about the ways we (I) manipulate in order to get our needs met. I tend toward over-self-reliance and also manipulation. Not evil manipulation, but spending time and energy creating a persuasive argument for what I want…when in reality some of your daughter’s straight-talking style might serve me better.

  28. This is why I teach kindergarten.

    The kids have an uncanny way of expressing exactly what they need.

  29. I have resisted being vulnerable. In some aspects of life I am quite secure, in others I am more vulnerable than I care to admit. I will admit that feeling vulnerable does make me uncomfortable, expecially when it is exposed or known to others. That does not mean that I do not find comfort feom receiving help from others, not at all. It does mean that even when I am getting help I find I need to know either in control or gaining control of that which I needed help with. I’m of Irish blood, what can I say 🙂

  30. Not everyone is afraid of vulnerability (apparently). I, on the other hand, am. I think @Sheri was right – it can be a defense mechanism that comes up when someone says “no” when you ask for something. It could be a self-esteem thing – I’m not really strong but I need to hide that from others. It could be society’s fault – no one else is asking for help, so I need to just suck-it-up and take care of things on my own to fit in.

    The upside of all this programming is that when you see someone else be vulnerable, it can really blow you away. When my husband says, “I’ve had a stressful day, let me laydown and put my head in your lap.” or when a classmate raises her hand and says, “I know that everyone else seems to get it, but I just don’t understand what you just said” (and then everyone starts nodding) – those moments feel courageous; they both risk rejection and ridicule. And that inspires me to be courageous enough to try and be a little more vulnerable too.

  31. I said it to Tim on Monday night as I sat at the dining room table sobbing because I miss my Dad. My Dad called me every Valentine’s Day to ask me to be his Valentine.

    I can be completely vulnerable with Tim. I could be completely vulnerable with my Dad too. Others I can be completely vulnerable with: my BFF Lisa and my sister Holly. I am a lucky woman.

    I think the best way to make sure your baby girl doesn’t forget how to ask is to make sure you ask. And that she sees you do this.

    • “I think the best way to make sure your baby girl doesn’t forget how to ask is to make sure you ask. And that she sees you do this.”

      Excellent point! Growing up, not only I was very closed and obsessed with being self-sufficient, but also there was this sad secrecy in the air. Nobody opened up, nobody showed their vulnerable selves. And it makes all the difference! Having a positive example is everything. 🙂

  33. I was always strong, independent, and stubborn. I think these things came as a self defense mechanism to the struggles I faced in my life. Being married to a wonderful man where these things are no longer necessary has taken years to get used to. Asking for what I need and not being afraid that there are strings attached to the response is strange to me. I’m learning.

  34. There are so many facets to answering this. ~sigh~ I think for me becoming a Christian and realizing I was to put others first brought about a GOOD trend to not always think of myself, BUT it morphed into something NOT good over time. And then I think the fear of hurting a loved one limits conversations like this sometimes…

  35. There’s a pretty high wall built over here. And very few people that are on the other side – I think years of mental isolation will do that, unfortunately.

  36. Ahhh..dear friend, you just brought me to tears. Which of course means,if it hit me this hard, I’d better pay attention and figure out why.

  37. I read this before work and am just now finding my comment.

    This post really resonated with me as I have never been able to say my I want you hold me and this is a large reason why I don’t yet have kids.

  39. I think I look at vulnerability as an open door for being hurt. Maybe it feels safer to be tough. I know that when I’ve had meltdown moments, the scary feeling afterward became larger for me than the original problem or feeling. But I do think shoving it deep down and holding it in is unhealthy both physically and emotionally. Maybe the answer is to become (if we’re not already) the kind of place where others can feel safe. I have a few friends in my life like that. They’ve seen me at my best and at my worst and still love me regardless (amazing). They’re a safe place. I hope for that for Emma, and all of us to have friends like that. They’re priceless and I’m beyond grateful for them. 😉

  40. I think for me it took a lot of thought to realise that I would expect people to know what I needed without saying. At first I thought it would just be as simple as me starting to ask for what I needed.What I really came to realise over time was, for me, the hardest thing about asking for what I need is that the request might be refused. It’s difficult to not take that as a personal rejection.
    I’m learning 🙂
    After Mum died, my Dad and I made a deal – if we needed each other…whatever we needed, we would ask. We might not be able to give each other what we need, but we could let the other person know how we felt. This has made a HUGE difference in letting go of greif, but in figuring out how to move forward. It was like getting permission to say what I felt, but it made all the difference in the world as far as feeling freer to say what I feel and need to himand others. This has stayed with me for the other people I’m close to, and I’m grateful for it.
    This is an excellent post. I think we all need to be able to do this. Vulnerability is a very precious and tricky thing isn’t it? 🙂

  41. Mr. Survival and I have long said to each other “You put my ions straight.” I swear, hugging that man heals some level of stress that is truly as fundamental as the ions on every single atom of my body.

  42. Another hand up to never being vulnerable, even as a child. However, I was an abused child – that is the price one pays.

    For most children, those painful, awful pre-teen/teen years where we learn to separate from our parents and family usually do in the vulnerability. We never seem to learn that it is only a phase.

    Today I am still terrified that if I ask someone for support that it will not be there. And what is worse than needing someone and finding an echo?

  43. I think our ability to be vulnerable with others is innate and our inability as adults is learned. As children we are open and not afraid. We trust our instincts and know who we are safe with. As we get older we accumulate experiences of being let down, having our hearts broken or worse. At this point I think we learn not to trust as survival. The other hat I wear is a counselor in an adolescent girls residential facility. These are young women who’s families have either so badly abused/neglected them they cannot have them back (a difficult feat in the bible belt) or simply abandoned them. These are young girls who are now so unable to trust others that they only know how to push people away. It’s about survival. The really sad part is you cannot truly live without giving into to that which makes you afraid. To be vulnerable and open. To experience love with reckless abandon. And to fear a broken heart less than the alternative- a closed one. But I can tell you I’ve met a lot of little girls who have already closed up… which means (not at all surprisingly) your daughter has got a life full of people who encourage her to stay open and love her as fully as she does back. xoxo, Erin

  44. My arms are wide open…

    This post came at a great time, since I’ve been pretty vulnerable on my blog recently, wondering how people would react. I was thrilled (but not shocked) that when I asked for support, I got it in droves.

  45. I have a very hard time askng for what I need from my spouse. And I definitely don’t let myself be vulnerable around anyone else. Maybe you should get the Tornado to give us a tutorial!

  46. I was never vulnerable as a child. It was too risky. But in my early an mid-thirties I met two women who became my best friends and they are just the warmest, most loving people you can imagine. And I started to warm up too. Now I hug anybody! And yes, I am blessed with a very loving husband, who hugs me 20 times a day, so I can safely ask for what I need.

  47. I am known to be fearless because I am in my racing.

    You have me wondering if I chose running as my sport because of my fear and the fact it makes running (away) ok.

  48. For me its remembering to be vulnerable with the little things so it is easier to be vulnerable with the bigger things. When I stop being vulnerable with the day-to-day minutia, I find it harder to be vulnerable when I really need to be. Its also a key component of sharing your life with others; if we aren’t willing to be vulnerable, we never really fully engage with those we love.

  49. oh, damned vulnerability. i think sometimes i make myself too vulnerable.

    i don’t often say, “i want you to hold me,” but i do occasionally ask for a hug. and then worry that i seem needy.

    and i probably don’t hug my own kids enough.

    and now i am crying.

  50. Zliten and I often get up from what we’re doing (one of us), hold our arms out, and say – “I need a good hug NOW”. There is something about the deliberate stopping what we’re doing, standing up, and focusing 100% for just a moment on a good, solid, happy wooogy hug that can take care of just about any grumpy or just make the day better.

    Metaphorically though – I am bad about asking for help in some things (hate going to the doctor if I’m sick, especially hate asking for help sorting through things mentally – hence my blog, where I sort it out…). I know people are available to help but I feel so… weak. Vulnerable. It bugs me in some instances and not others.

  51. I’m pretty good about this with immediate family, but parents/extended family, it feels awkward, and I’m a little sad that it feels that way. Probably because my husband and I both learned to suppress our vulnerability at early ages. It’s kind of a tricky balance for anyone to learn, vulnerability vs. self-reliance. Kind of funny, too, how sometimes the people who are most generous to offer help are those that have the hardest time asking for it themselves.

    I wonder how our kids perceive my husband and me?

    On the lighter side: When I read Tornado’s “I want you hold me,” I thought of a story of one of my nephews-in-law when he was a toddler. The family was watching the Miss America pageant, and when one particularly well-endowed young woman appeared on the screen, he proclaimed, “I want HER hold me!”

  52. I have tried for most of my life to not be vulnerable. I put up huge walls around me because of hurt that I experienced as a child and thought I had to be tough (given that I have three brothers as well, I really had no choice). But I don’t have to be. And I think that’s what kept people from being close to me for a long time.

    I’m only realizing NOW, in my 30s, that it’s ok to express feelings and tell people what I need.

    The tornado is leaps and bounds ahead of me.

  53. I 100% believe that we lose the ability to know what we need and how to vocalize it at the same time we find out about Santa Claus….and then shortly after that a lot of us lose the ability to be able to listen to our bodies and know when we are full.

    So in the end its Santas fault 🙂

  54. I think I do a pretty good job of asking for what I want. Where my line tends to get blurred is recognizing the difference between what I want and what I need.

    Example:

    What I want: Someone to do things around the house exactly like I would do them

    What I need: Someone to take things off my plate, no matter how they get done.

  55. I have been known to ask my husband to hold me in a somewhat comical “Tommy Boy” type of way but he knows that that’s actually sort of serious. In a physical and metaphorical hold me way, I can open up to my husband without a problem, but I’m still a work in progress in opening that up to others. In my family, asking for help has meant a sign of weakness and showing vulnerability was not always a good thing. I’m still trying to find that balance, but I, like you, are trying to bring it to my boys sooner than their 30s.

  56. I am a really vulnerable person. I cry when happy sad angry ……I don’t have a significant other…..my mother lives with me….I let my 14 year old daughter know when I need love….I think she sees me working, supporting us…trying to FINALLY get fit and healthy. She needs to know that we can be there for each other. I feel good about that.

  57. Beautiful beautiful post my friend! This: When do we lose the ability to make ourselves vulnerable & plainly state what we need.” has been rattling around in my brain all day. I don’t know when but I do know that I’ve lost it. I can honestly say that I don’t remember the last time I asked someone to hold me. Right now in my life it feels like I am always the one doing the holding. I’m not sure what to do about this. Like Ryan said, we put such an emphasis on being “strong” that any vulnerability is seen as weak. I need to work on this. I know the Tornado will attain all you desire for her!

  58. WOW! Reading through all of these posts has been incredible. I will ask for a hug when I need it..really need it…Eleven years ago, when I lost everything I learned in a not so easy way..a BIG difference between a want and a need…things I had thought previously that were needs became wants…like basic cable, a telephone, the needs were simply a roof over our head, heat, water, and food. It was HUMBLING to say the least..
    That is the powerful part of vulnerability…it is humbling and you realize WHAT is important…Children should feel safe and comfortable to be honest with parents whether that is for something they need like a hug or not afraid to tell them things.. the unconditional part of parental love.
    They will be influenced by friends, peers, classmates, teachers, and other parents when they leave your side…but as long as they know where they can turn…to have a soft place to land…then it is all good…THAT is how we lose it as adults…when we don’t trust that we have that soft, unconditional place to land…

  59. This one got me verklempt. I had to learn especially how to ask the “I need you hold me” after my dad died. Sometimes the mister tried for words and more often than not when I felt myself buffeted by grief and loss, all I could utter was, “I need you hold me.” There’s something intrinsically good about being held and the silence that envelops the holding.

    • GOOD POINT I’d not yet considered. The silence which envelopes the holding. The meeting her where she is and NOT speaking a word. thank you.

  61. What an amazing and powerful post.
    I teach summer camps to children around your Tornado’s age and am consistently awed by their ability to make themselves vulnerable.

    I had not stopped to consider that I may no longer possess the same ability.

    Thanks Miz.

  62. I love to hear about the things you teach your Tornado. So sweet. I just read another post on vulnerability and saw a 20 min “lecture” on it (via this same post).

    I kind of think this is actually something I do well 🙂 and I find that it draws people to me. At work, or any situation, I’m usually THAT person that everyone tells everything to. I’m THAT person that you feel comfortable with instantly and I think its because I’m not trying to hide my imperfections?

    Ok, here’s an example. I went to an interview (for the job I had now, actually years ago), and I was so nervous. When I get nervous I have a “quirk” where I clear my throat 50 million times. Seriously. And I cannot stop. And I really, really feel like I HAVE to clear my throat (anxiety). Well, in the middle of the interview I just said, “I am really nervous. When I get nervous, I clear my throat 50 million times. I promise I don’t have some sort of rare disease.” Then I smiled.

    Instantly, everyone switched gears. laughed, made me feel at ease. (there was a group of 8 in there). And the rest of the interview went fine. I stopped clearing my throat and I eventually relaxed. And I got the job. :o) See, I think most people would have been so fake that they don’t get a chance to see the real “them” in an interview situation. But I think people relate to you better when you admit right up front you are not perfect.

    This comment long enough???? Hugs.

  63. Be vulnerable? Me? No Never! How will I ever get through the day if I am not strong, if I don’t hold everything on MY shoulders? What will happen to my life my world if I let my guard down? The answer: NOTHING. Life will move on, and you’ll get what you need, the asking is the hard part and what needs to be practiced. Thanks for the MUCH needed reminder.

  65. Wow! What a great question. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about that and I’m sad to say I can’t remember the last time I’ve done that with a grown up! It’s easy with my son, I can say I need a hug and he gives one right away. That’s not being vulnerable at all! I think that I’m very guarded and afraid of rejection because I’ve been rejected a LOT!

    In some areas of life I’m learning to ask for what I need…but I definitely still have a long way to go. Thanks for the reminder!

    Very thought provoking question! I’ll be thinking about that one a LOT today.

  66. I definitely think that my list used to be longer when I was younger… these days I’m really bad at asking for hugs or for help. Sometimes AFTER something’s happened in which I could have used help, I’ll talk to the boyfriend about it, and inevitably he’ll say, “aw, why didn’t you tell me about that? That’s what I’m here for!” I’m getting better at being completely open when I need a hug or help.

    I look to my sister for learning HOW to do this. She is one of the few people I know who regularly asks for hugs and allows herself to be vulnerable around me. Seeing that makes it OKAY for me to do the same.

  67. No one knows how children grow and find themselves in this world of ours. Parents have desires and hopes for their babies, sometimes we get lucky and they go that way, sometimes they don’t. Setting an example with the best qualities was can seems like a good plan as that way at least one of us does it well. Good parents seem to have the most good children, but chance plays more of a role than most, certainly myself, would like.

  69. This post has been knocking around in my brain a lot and made me a more present person. I needed it. With my girls and with Linc. I am learning that validating that vulnerability in them is what feels right and natural and what makes them feel at ease. I hope it shows them that they don’t need a rhyme or reason, that I am there unconditionally.

    I am not a vulnerable person and that self burden gets heavy…really trying to lighten my load with those I know are happy to carry it. Thank YOU for this post.

  70. Hi MizFit! I’ve been reading your blog for a while but have never replied to any of your posts. I have gotten back to a place where I feel safe being vulnerable or asking for a hug because the fear of doing so/being rejected WAS/IS in my head! How do we lose that safe place? Probably a combination of factors but I think the biggest one comes from our family/environment etc. However all that being said, what I wish someone had told me years ago is that MOST PEOPLE want/like/love to make other people feel good/better/loved/important! It actually makes other people feel good to help/love on other people! Whether they are aware of it or not…Asking for hug makes me feel uplifted and them too!

  71. Oh dear. This post brought tears to my eyes.

    I used to say to the love of my life ‘You are my soft place to fall’ … until he became such a hard place that I had to learn to be MY OWN soft place.

    These days, flying solo, taking care of my dad, needing to be the strong one no matter how much life falls apart, I realized reading here that I just don’t allow myself to be vulnerable, to need anybody, to ask to be held.

    Except towards God. And surely that counts?

    So I might be screwed up, and I don’t have any wisdom to share, but I feel the same way about my kid, that he should ALWAYS feel open to expressing his needs.

    And now I stress that I’m so ‘strong’ that I’m teaching him the opposite of being vulnerable.

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