Wanna be my BFF?

by

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(No idea who originally said this. I just love it.)

Once upon a time I was a tiny misfit about to enter kindergarten.

According to family lore (retold so many times I’m convinced I remember it happening) I expressed this trepidation to my Mom.

“Here’s what you do,” she instructed me. “Find someone you like and ask them if they will be your friend for the day.  Just start with a day!”

And, because Ive convinced myself I remember all this, I “clearly recall” approaching a girl named Alex, asking her to be my friend, and all my kinder-friendships easily forming from that day onward.

Ahhh life was simple back in the kinder-days.

In all honestly life was pretty damn simple when we moved to Oakland, too.

At least with regards to friends.

Even before this latest move was on the horizon I would often tell the Tornado how unbelievably fortunate we were here.

We met these people on one of our first days in town.

Another woman took it upon herself to befriend me *and* the Tornado.  She took us under her wing and showed us the (super confusing new school) ropes.

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(The Oakland playground where we made friends.)

I’m not usually one to attribute “success” to outside factors, but we were so fortunate here I’ve often used the word luck when talking about our transition with the child.

In a few months we are transitioning again.

It’s easier (have friends in the city. know the city if not the part of town where we’re moving to) and it’s harder (it feels as though it should be moving “home” but starting/learning a new school is always challenging).

And we’re older.

8 years & 11 months and 45 years & 3 months.

And really.

This stuff gets harder as we age.

People already have friends.

People have been friends for a while.

Sometimes, the child has pointed out, even!since!preschool.

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(Pre-school Tornad0)

Recently, I had the gift of a few hours of uninterrupted Child-time.

We talked about being the NewKid & the NewMom at school and ways we might find our Tribe.

And we brainstormed.

And we came up with ideas.   

5 tips for making friends when you’re new at school.

  • Be like Twitter (title was mine but idea *ours*) We both realized we have a pattern here in Oakland.  We hangout before school in the same place every day.  We hangout on the playgrounds the same days after-school. We take the same route to school each morning at the exact same time.  We see the same faces as a result of these patterns.  Familiarity breeds friendship potential…or so she and I like to think.
  • Share about yourself.  I probably do too much of this, but I also know people are immediately aware if I’m their cup of tea or not. I like to think of it as a time-saver I gift to others!  I do encourage the child to temper the over-shares (unlike her mama) but I encourage her to SHARE. Friendship bonds (like those she’s noticed existing since preschool) emerge from a shared history and knowledge of each other.
  • Ask people about themselves. The child and I decided this makes for fewer *awkward conversation silences.*  I decided, like dating, when you ask people about themselves you know, by their answers, if it’s a friendship match!  Whether 8 or 45 we all grow selective about friendships as we age. More often than not, whether we wanna hangout with someone boils down to if we have anything in common. We don’t know this unless we ASK.
  • Know what you love to do. (Aka reason #67 I wish I loved to run) I love to read. I’d love to find an adult book club.  I had lots of fun creating a Mother/Daughter book club in Oakland. The child says she will miss kickball at recess and plans to see if friends at her new school like kickball.  It’s easier to make new friends who like to do what you do—-but you need to know what that is!
  • Take nothing personally.  To quote the Child “being the new kid sucks.” None of us like to be rejected when we make gestures of friendship.  We decided this is like dating (if by WE you mean I decided—which we do).  There are many reasons friendship overtures may not be reciprocated.  Often it has nothing to do with *you* at all.  I can’t lie.  I’m fine with it for myself.  People are busy.  My pointy backpack and I are NOT everyone’s thing. I get that.  I’m trying to teach her the same approach to friendship and life.

That’s pretty much where she & I ended our list.

All the ideas and tips we could come up with for friend-making at the new school and beyond.

As I explained to her: we all struggle with this.  Kid or grown up.  Moving or not.

So now we look to you:

  • What’s your #1 friend making tip?

 

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Comments

  1. Making friends as an adult is hard! You don’t want to seem pushy and odd when you meet new people. The best thing is to find others who have similar interests as you. I’ve met a ton of people through my running club!

  2. I haven’t moved in years, but it can still seem awkward making new friends as an adult.
    I love your last tip.

  3. OMG. That quote is really true.
    I find it harder as a “big person” to make friends than I ever did when I was young.

  4. Ahhh… making new friends as an adult and in a new town! When we moved to Charlottesville, we moved into a new neighborhood and oddly enough, almost everyone on our street had children almost the same age as ours. We all bonded through play groups and our babysitting co-op. And then I hit the jack pot again when I met my soccer mom friends (it was a rough first season and we bonded over food).

  6. It IS hard, especially when you are home based for work. I have met my local besties through the neighborhood and through running. There’s also local coffee shops, where lots of people go to work these days, the local pool, or local classes of some sort. Kids do make it easier, I think, b/c they are a natural gateway to meeting the adults that go with them! Good luck.

  7. I like your notion of not taking things personally.
    That’s a challenging one for me as a big person.

  8. I haven’t moved in a long time, but most of my college friends have moved away and I’ve switched jobs several times in the past few years. With each job change, and with each friend who moved away, I had to make new friends. It definitely isn’t easy, but once I found the right fit as far as work, I realized the other people and I had a lot in common. Now I have a great group of amazing friends and don’t mind the people who ended up not being a good fit for friendship. My biggest tip is to give it time and don’t be afraid to let the bad fits walk away. Everyone will be better off.

    • YES!! That was a lot of what we chatted about too. A bad fit doesnt mean either of you are bad people–it just doesnt click!

  9. I love how Miss. Zippy used the word gateway!!!
    That is how it felt here, too.
    Gateway and gatekeepers:)

  12. Put yourself out there – be the first one to smile and say hi.
    And embrace the new kid.
    I grew up moving every 2-3 years (military) and at every school there was always someone else who was new. Make that your first friend. And when another new person comes along? Make them your friend too. Eventually you’ll have a tribe made up of old and new.

  14. haha be like twitter – love that! i tell my students to take initiative and introduce themselves and ask if kids want to play! a little smile and wave goes a long way! 🙂

  15. This post actually gave me chills. I guess friendship making has always at least felt like an achilles for me even if I’m actually really happy with my friendships now. All those tips are really spot on, and I love how you brainstorm with your daughter about this stuff. Every time I read a post of yours I’m thinking what an awesome mom you are!

  17. I recently joined a group on Meetup.com. Unfortunately, I still haven’t been to an event, due to schedule conflicts or events that aren’t my cup of tea (I don’t drink so a weekly wine-tasting would be a waste of time and money). I hope to eventually meet the other women in the group and possibly make at least one new friend. Doing that as an adult is extremely difficult.

  18. i think this is great. Adults can be so stand off-ish and take things personally, but we need to let that go. and yes, be real and open. and …. be OURSELVES. quarky and all. hehe

  19. If you want to have a friend, be a friend!

    Our first friend and our first puppy can never be replaced 🙂

    If you look at your hand and spread out your fingers and see each finger as a person, I think that’s the way we change as individuals as we get older, further from each other. That makes that special friendship bond harder to find.

  20. Good topic today. Love it. I think the easiest way to make friends is to be kind and smile and be approachable… and a bit outgoing, but not overboard. Say hello, ask an easy but not nosy question. Make a light, comment. Show interest.

    You already have the BEST dog in the state, right? And he certainly is a conversation starter and friend magnet!

    I think how NOT to make friends, is don’t be show-offy, bossy, loud, annoying. That seems an easier list! hahaha

    I know you are both gonna do very well with this move!

  22. Sorry, but I can’t help you. Despite handing out a very detailed 50-pt guideline on what I want and expect from “friends” that I hand out upon meeting new folks, I still have trouble expanding my current friend base. HOW MUCH EASIER CAN I MAKE IT, PEOPLE!

  23. Look at you two – being all proactive! This is great! I moved to Milwaukee after college and figured I would just *happen* to meet people and make friends. It NEVER happened. My husband and I were super intentional when we moved to Omaha, and our lives are full of a wonderful community. It’s hard being new. But you and your daughter have so much to look forward to!

  24. Don’t wait for people to come to you. If you do, i’ve found, you will be waiting a long time.

    When we began attending the church we are at now, i didn’t know anyone, really, so i went into the nursery hallway and told the person in charge that i was her new volunteer. Now i have friends there!

  25. We just moved for our 16th or 17th time this summer. To say my kids are friend makers would be a stretch. I think their resiliency died a few moves back…I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that anymore.
    I took to a soon to be local Facebook moms group. It is a super diverse crowd and I was able to pinpoint “my people” and find friends for my kids that way too (we moved in the summer).

  26. It is hard to not feel awkward at any age as the new person. My tip especially in a new work environment is to observe, be pleasant and engage.

  27. Making new friends as an adult is a challenge! When we moved here a few years ago it was hard to make connections. I found that the more I opened up and took risks, the more I made connections….scary but true. I joined a run group…hung out in teacher’s room…talked with others at the park…threw myself out of my comfort zone!!

  28. My secret is… my husband. He’s so dang social and will just walk up to people and be like “hey, do you like x? I like x. Let’s go do x.” I’m happy to talk once people engage me, and I’m pretty good at maintaining friendships, but I am NOT great at making new ones unless someone like my husband comes along. Luckily… I don’t really HAVE to be in our current situation, our dance cards are pretty full with work, training, family, and our current close friends. 🙂

  29. We are getting ready to relocate to Dallas from LA in the next couple of months, so I too am pondering the “how to make new friends” challenge. Kids are grown so there’s not that connection, but I hope through work and recreation we’ll find it less daunting than I fear!

  32. Went thru this a lot as a kid – and I am shy so it was hard! I found friends in my neighborhood first & then I had them at school too & went from there but it is still tough to be honest…

  33. Most of my “new” friends (friends that I met after I moved here 18 years ago) were met at church and through my kids’ sports. Sitting at the same practice 3 days a week for 2 hours at a time gives parents lots of time to get to know each other!

    I think just being friendly and open is a great way to make new friends. Maybe you could host a “New Kid in Town” party and invite Tornado’s new classmates? Parents would surely show up and YOU KNOW they are going to be curious about you. That’s when you hit them with your stellar kindness skillz and BAM! Instant friends! 🙂

  34. I make friends pretty easily NOW! I have been fat most of my life so it was pretty tough when I was young and other kids would treat me like I had a communicable disease at times. Things have gotten better over the years and people are more accepting of different and it seems like there are more different people of every stripe around these days. I have to agree with the change your route try new things method. I still encounter groups that shut me out these days but, if I just take a left turn I now find another group that acts like I am the greatest find ever! Now I have fascinating friends of every different stripe and a go to person for every situation.

  35. Oh, man, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m about to move to a new-ish city (I grew up there, but haven’t stayed in close touch with a lot of previous friends), and will be working from home. AND I’m an introvert by nature! I’m definitely looking at Meetup groups, and I’ll probably look for a liberal church (there are a TON of churches in this city, but not many liberal ones).

    1 and 5 above are the ones I struggle with the most, so hopefully finding places to keep showing up will help with 1. I think 5 is mostly on me though – and such good advice to remember!

  36. I live in a city that has a small town feel and even though we’ve been here for years it is not an easy place to make friends because so many people have been friends forever.
    I am at the point where I’m OK with not having a true best friend (other than my sis-in-law who lives in TX). I have friends who I can do things with but not necessarily share all my secrets:)

  37. This post really resonated with me. Although I’m not moving, I feel like I’ve been away somewhere for the 10 months I was sick and am sort of moving to a new place now that we’re remembering what it’s like to just have free time and get out again and be sociable. This weekend we went out with people we hadn’t seen in ages to a social event and it was so strange. I was way too nervous over a small thing and it made me realize that you never wear out that fear of meeting new people and being sociable. I was worried I’d forgotten how, but there are a lot of great people out there to meet!

  38. I make friends in spite of myself, In person, I can be standoffish, but it’s not that I WANT to be..I’m just really anxious..

    That being said..once I get past the crippling social anxiety..then I am an AWESOME friend.

  39. Awww I like this. I WISH that we could go up to people and say, “Hey, you’re cool! Want to be friends?” Unfortunately I’ve actually tried to do some variation of that quite a few times over the years and it tends to scare people off. Sighs. Although I guess if it scares people off then it’s a good way to save time, as you’ve noted?

    I would build on YOUR mother’s advice with this and my tip would be: don’t over-think it. Be friends with a person for a day or a week. Try them out and see if they fit! Try a few people out and see if they fit. Some will, and some won’t. And that’s totally okay.

  40. What a poignant post. I think as women no matter where we are in our lives there is an adjustment to be made in making friends. It just doesn’t get easier, does it? And you’re right, the older you get, the longer people have been friends with other friends, and so on. Ah! But then I think it comes down to two things in the end: personality and resilience. Can you get up the nerve to put yourself out there? (you have) and can you stick with it when you have a bad day? We all know the answer to that one!

    That said, I was talking to someone who was in a similar situation lately and she said she loves this site called meetup(dot)com –I believe–where you can join any group in your area and basically tailor the choice of groups to your own hobbies, etc. There was everything from book groups to wine tastings to fitness groups that were pretty specific. Might be worth a try! Good luck:) To you both..

  41. Meeting new friends, especailly once you’re out of school and not involved in any team sports as an adult is difficult. I’ve been “on my own” since 2006, and while I had great work friends while living in Canada at that time , I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to meet new people, whether it be at the climbing gym, or at a running club.

    Now that I’m living in California, I know how to push myself out there to meet new people. But it’s so funny, I usually stick to where I’ve met them (climbing buddies, running buddies) – never persued them for lunch, or going shopping or anything. Funny how that is.

  42. Why don’t you move to NYC and then we could hang out! Making friends as an adult is so so hard sometimes. I wish that we could just walk up to someone and ask them to be friends. My husband and I were just talking about it and how, since many friends have since moved from NYC, we have few friends around to hang out with. I need all the tips I can get!

  44. It is harder to make friends as we get older, because it seems like you said, everyone has their “established group”. I have found that having a dog (Lucy) has helped me so much these past few months establish new friends and put myself out there. It also helps that dog people are cool people…HA!

  46. I find making friends much more difficult as I am older. I am pretty shy and it seems like any groups that I get involved in already have their ‘friend groups’ if you know what I mean and it is easy to feel like an outsider.

    Sometimes I wish I could gather all my internet friends into one physical place permanently 😀

  47. Carla – such a great list! I had dinner last night with a friend who taught me such a valuable lesson about two years ago. I was at a bike ride and she just walked up to me, stuck out her hand and said “Hi! I’m Rebecca and I’m new in town and don’t know a soul.” And a friendship was born. Now, I ask myself when I’m out and about in friend-making-mode, WWRD? What would Rebecca Do? And I put all my social shyness away and walk in and approach people. It’s amazing what a smile and a question will do.

  48. you know I guess I haven’t entirely figured this out yet. I have met people in Orlando, but have very few I am able to see often enough to call friends. It’s been much harder than I thought so I’m consistently thinking up new ideas because I do treasure my old friends, but need people nearby too

  49. When you get older your priories and interests change. Kids make it seem so easy, its crazy what you can learn for a child. Why not be open to new friends and make the effort to reach out. When you put yourself out there you grow so much as a person. Personally, I have been outgoing with people that I know, and recently have been more outgoing to meet new people. Though its because I am in a new big city and don’t have many friends, but hey! Thats how you learn and grow. Time to drop the natural prejudice and be more open. What goes around comes around.

  50. Yes! I don’t make friends easily, and my husband works as an engineer for a nation-wide construction company, so we move a lot. I definitely have to put effort into forging friendships. They don’t happen naturally for me. I like the tips you shared. I will have to read the comments for more ideas 😉

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