12 hours of YES!

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YES! It’s a donut eaten with a spoon.

About two years ago I came up with the idea of gifting my Child 12 hours of YES!

(If by “came up with” you mean I’m sure other parents do this which I do. The older I get the more I realize there’s nothing new under the sun.)

Our initial YES! Day was born out of the realization I’d been on a NO-rampage.

  • Some NO’s! stemmed from a desire to keep her safe (NO! You can’t balance the chair on the stool to reach the plate!).
  • Other NO’s came from a desire to save my sanity (NO! We can’t yank down all the extra blankets & pillows and make a fort two minutes before bed on a school night!).
  • And a few NO’s!, while sorta said in the name of self-care, were just because I was tired.  Tired of being solo with her. Tired of being the fun, creative mom. TIRED.

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One morning, after a particularly NO-filled day, I spontaneously decided we BOTH needed a *fun* day.

A YES Day!

“Yesterday was rough,” I said. “Lets make today a Day of Yes!”

“AWESOME!!!” She shouted and broke into a full-body smile.

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years later. same full-bod smile.

“You already know what I mean?” I asked, surprised, as I’d thought I’d just created it.

“No!” She answered immediately. (I love kids. They completely vibe off us & our moods.  The mere fact *I* was excited about YES! Day filled her with glee.)

I explained to her the Yes! Day rules while simultaneously making them up.

  • Everything was a yes! as long as it was safe (May I ride my bike without a helmet? NO!).
  • Everything was a yes! as long as I could make it happen (May we see the movie Inside Out right now??? No. It’s not showing right now.)

And our day began.

Not only was it fun for her as I’d hoped it turned into a lot of fun for me, too.

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Yes! we can take the Doodle on the slide.

I was gifted a day OFF from focusing on roots & wings outside of just keeping her safe.

I was gifted an opportunity to watch her decide what to do, what to ask for and learned about what *she* valued in the process.

This first YES! Day wasn’t just fun for her.

It turned into a subtle lesson about the power of identifying and asking for what you want.

After that inaugural day, many mom-friends told me they’d be terrified to offer their child a Yes! Day.

Mine would ask for a puppy! one shared.

Mine would ask for all the American Girl doll accessories I won’t buy! another guessed.

Mine would eat sugar until he was sick. And guess who would really be punished then?! another joked.

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movie and cake for dinner? YES!

Here, I shared with them, it wasn’t really any of those things.

It was a reminder she just wants my time and for me to be wholly present with her.

When I’m honest with myself—then and now—I can see most of my NO’s, when not intended to keep her safe, are to make things easier on me as a mom.

And, here, easier often means less fun and less effort.

This approach to parenting is passable most of the time and yet some days both of us need a spontaneous break.

Around here that YES-break is happening today.

I’m surprising the child and am eager to discover, as a new 9 1/2, what she chooses to fill her 12 hours.

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Typically, at the end of our Yes! Days, even the child is ready to return to routine (<—unexpected gift of the day!).

Typically, at the end of our Yes! Days, as we pray before bed her prayer is a version of this:

Thank you G-d for my mom did not say no today—she said yes.

This year, for some reason, I think that prayer will not be hers but my own.

Thank you G-d for I remembered to pause and say YES!

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Comments

  1. I think I would have gone nuts if my mom did this.
    I can’t wait to hear what she picks this time.

  2. I say NO far too often. Mostly out of my own frustration and feeling like I can’t get ALL THE THINGS DONE so how can I allow a YES!?
    B is away this week, camping with his Aunt and cousin. Next week? I’ll plan a day of YES.
    Thanks, Carla!

  3. Summer has only just begun here and I think I’ve already slipped into a “no as default” with the kids.
    :/
    Thank you for the gentle reminder.

  4. All I can say is YES! I remember when you did this the first time and I just love it. I will absolutely be doing this with the boys. I too love how they just vibe off of our moods when they haven’t a clue what is happening 🙂

  6. It took me a while to realize that my first reaction to most requests was “no” without even trying to figure out “yes.”

  8. Happy kid! Lucky kid!

    Despite being a strict mom (my French roots, LOL), I like to say yes. “Can I have ice cream?” “YES!… after you clean your whole bedroom.” “Can we go to Disney World?” “Yes, if it ever makes it to the top of our priorities.” haha

    It does create wonderful memories when your parent ditches some of the usual restraints for a moment or a day.

  10. Like everyone else, I am so interested to see what she chooses. I think it is so important for kids (and, hell, adults) to learn what they actually WANT. When all the doors are open, which do you choose to walk through? What is most important?

  11. This line resonated so much with me: ‘It was a reminder she just wants my time and for me to be wholly present with her.’ I have an almost 4 year old and almost 1 year old, and I say no so so much to my older one. In the back of my mind, I know she really just wants me to be with her. It really is just so hard. Thank you for this post…I should definitely schedule a special day with her where I can say yes (mostly!)

  14. I wish you’d been around to suggest this when I was a young, single mom. I said no far too often. Now I can wisely suggest it to my son and daughter in law 🙂

  15. I LOVE this, Carla! I try to do more yeses, but I have never established a Yes Day.

    Maybe next week I’ll have to do that, she’s in camp this week and it would be totally cheating. 😉

  16. what a lovely idea – your daughter is very lucky to have such a great mum. I’m relieved my kids are grown up – otherwise I’d feel inspired to have a “yes day” and I’d be exhausted 🙂

  17. How very cool and special! I think you are making special memories that she will have for life and share with her friends. Now a cake for being ½, too fabulous!

  18. I was much more a maybe person when the kids were young. That’s probably the same but I thought it was better at the time. lol My husband probably would enjoy a yes day for sure. Ha!

  21. Saying “Yes” more often is all about giving them your time, as you said. We say “No,” so often because it will require effort on our part, and we are so busy, we are unwilling to stop what we are doing and spend tie ding what they want to do. That being said, I find myself telling my grandkids “YES,” much more often than I ever did my own three sons when they were growing up. Sometimes when I have the little one (he’s just one and such a busy little guy) I find myself telling the 5-year old granddaughter “No,” simply because the little guy takes up my time, and then I realize how important it is to color with her, or go outside and watch her jump on the trampoline or play in the sandbox, and so I say YES, as I try to find time for both my grandchildren. I know we are making memories, much like the memories I have of my own grandmothers, at least I hope we are.

  22. I love this idea and I need to do this with my boys (tho’ one would DEFINITELY use the yes to his advantage and ask for all the legos). haha. I know that my older son would appreciate it because he’s always hemming and hawing and trying to figure out what we would like for him to do, etc.

  24. I love YES day! I’m in the middle of YES week since it’s the first week of offseason. I’ll probably be ready for routine soon but it’s super nice to just spend the week doing whatever sounds fun!

    I’m thinking at that age, a YES day probably would have been something involving wearing makeup in public, gymnastics, lots of time at the pool, allllllll the junk food, and as many of my friends sleeping over as I wanted. 🙂

  26. I actually think this is a great idea! I’m seeing kids for school physicals in the clinic and the moms are all frazzled. Swatting at their unruly kids and threatening punishments…wouldn’t it be great to turn it all around? Of course if I suggest it, they’ll all think I’m nuts.

  27. LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!! I need NEED to make a YES day for my boys. :sigh: It would bea super fun surprise for THEM… and could be fun for ME! 😉 Hmm… now to find the date and figure out my ‘rules’ (btw I like the safe and can actually happen rules)

  29. Reading this as a non-parent made me think about doing this with my boyfriend. Among the best experiences I’ve had have been when I have done things I was reluctant to do, like go run errands with him or try new sports!

    One way we are different from each other/complement each other is the way he is ALWAYS game to do whatever enthusiastically as an extrovert, and I have to be coerced to do some things, so this reminds me to be more like him & willing to try new things in social situations, etc. Thanks for the reminder!

  30. Mine would be the ones who would get sick from the sugar and candy. I love this idea. It teaches them about making good choices and it’s time that they will always remember. It reminds me of backward day. You do everything backward like eating dessert first then dinner. Fun stuff and a great memory maker.

  31. What a breathe of fresh air it must have been for you, as well, to hear yourself say yes. Saying yes is always so great, because it always leads to opportunity. There’s an episode of Grace and Frankie where they commit to saying yes to each other as friends…I love that!

  32. next time you have a yes day, give me a ring. I need some child like fun, well maybe minus the tummy ache from gluten and sugar, But I’ll bring the gluten free donuts and a spoon!

  34. I love this idea and I think I need to do it with my older son – with a new little guy in our life, I’ve been saying no more often than yes lately. I don’t doubt for a second that this is just as good and fun for a mama or a dad to do as it is for the kid. Thanks for the idea! <3

  36. A yes day, with safety and budget limits only, still sounds like a great thing. Good for you, doing it again! My favorite days that i remember with the children was when i was able to do the fun things they wanted.

  37. “a full body smile”- I love that! When baby girl is old enough to understand, I will definitely do this with her.

  41. SO GOOD to learn that lesson of identifying and asking for what you *really* want!

    In lieu of not having a child to do a YES day with, I feel like I need to give myself a YES day… 😉

    Happy YES day ! Can’t wait to hear how it went for both of you.

  42. I absolutely love this idea! Maybe mostly because my kids are grown, but I’d like to think that I’ve mellowed and think that sometimes you just got to go that extra mile and say “yes” all day even. I really want to remember this when the twins get a little bigger as a grandma to twins I’d love to implement a day for each one separately. Now I want cake for dinner! I know you are an awesome mom just from the things I read here!

  44. What a great idea! I’m sending this to my stepdaughters. And even though my son is an older kid, I think this could be fun.

  45. Love this concept. I also love applying this concept to our own selves. Although, that being said, the same would apply to saying NO too lol

  49. Having a “yes” day is a really good idea. You daughter seem like she had a blast. I gotta try that one day with my daughter too.

  51. hahaha, I was initially hit by a jolt of fear when I read that first sentence, because some of the crazy ideas kids come up with (especially safety-wise) can be pretttyy bad! I do love this concept though! :] It makes me wonder what I would’ve come up with!

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