Ive stopped shaving and you should too.

by

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on one leg my hair is *far* less noticeable.

There are certain rites of passage I assumed all girls experienced.

Three which immediately come to mind are buying a first bra, growing boobs & pubes (as the Child now loves to say) and removing excess body hair.

My mother was definitely a woman before her time, yet even in the era of William wanting a doll not much consideration was given to suggesting girls choose whether or not they wanted to shave leg or underarm hair.

As a result, I grew up armed with an awareness women are entirely equal to men, with a dad who called himself a feminist, and somehow with the assumption all American girls were as I was: eager to shave their legs the instant they received the parental OK.

fox chapel, pennsylvania

I think I got the “shaving thumbs up” at this age?

I started shaving about age 12 and longed to remove the hair for years before that.

I grew up. I graduated high school. I went to college.

I don’t think it was selection bias (either the college or the friends), but even at that age I still only knew a few women who chose not to shave.

I had friends who tried it (and returned to hair-removal immediately).

I had a friend who’d never shaved either legs or underarms and never planned to.

One cold Ohio winter even I gave leg-hair-growing a shot to see whether Id be warmer (I wasn’t).

I never gave much thought to my choice or other women’s choices until my daughter started to get older.

I was absentmindedly stroking her legs when I noticed all the dark hair she had.

It was during that moment it dawned on me what I registered was not Oh! I need to have the shaving talk with her soon but how silky the hair felt to the touch.

How, if my own leg hair were as downy soft, I might never shave at all.

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I’ll let you guess if these legs met Lady Schick…

A week or so after that realization she asked, apropos of nothing, if all women shaved.

What do you mean? I responded stalling for time.

I know when you go from a girl to a woman you shave your legs and under your arms. I wondered if every single woman did that?

That moment’s realization was less lovely than the one I’d had weeks priors.

I of the no scale in the house, loving myself unapologetically, take up space in the world and be strong! had seemingly failed my girl.

I’d wordlessly sent a message of hairless = good/normal and hairy = not feminine/womanly.

The very concept I adore of “our children following what we do and not what we say” seemed to have come back to haunt me.

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hello ever-present shower razor!

No,  told her. In fact many women don’t ever shave.  Or they may start and decide it’s not for them!

Those final 10 (unplanned) words sealed the deal for me.

I needed to practice what I preach.

I decided to stop shaving my legs.

I don’t know how long my break will last.

I wonder if, when my hair is longer and perhaps downy soft like the Child’s, I’ll decide I like it and never re-start?

I’m uncertain if the Child will even notice the change and, if she doesn’t, whether I’ll point it out to her?

My decision to stop is as much about me and for me as it is an effort to show her physical beauty presents in many forms and there’s no “right way” to be feminine.

Obviously my post title was hyperbolic, but I urge you, if you shave, to consider the reasons behind your choice.

You may have already and *know* it’s the right choice for you.

You may discover, as I did, you’d never paused to consider your why (look at that! it’s just like fitness) or the messages you might *accidentally* be sending to little eyes which are always watching.

  • Do you remember when you started shaving your legs? Was it a rite of passage as it was for me?

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Comments

  1. As a Cuban/Italian I could have started shaving out of the womb but my mom made me wait until I was about 8 or 9. Kids at school made fun of me for the very dark hair on my legs and, being a gymnast, I was always showing them! Obviously I have a lot of *feelings* that go along with this but I really do like the way my legs feel after I shave them. I don’t see myself giving that up anytime soon but I’m interested to see where this takes you…

  2. I have a twin girls who are seven. They have not ever mentioned their leg hair but since we are dark it is very noticeable.
    This has given me lots to think about, Carla

  3. I can’t remember when I started shaving my legs, maybe around 12? Before then I would “play” with my mom’s shaver, not really sure what I was doing with it. I wasn’t even sure if there was a blade in it. I do like how my legs feel when they are shaved. I’ve never thought about the why of it. But can’t wait to hear your thoughts after awhile.

  4. I went to college in Ohio, too!
    I had forgotten how I would stop shaving my legs every winter because it was so cold no one saw them anyway LOL

  5. Where I live, I’d say the vast majority of women don’t shave, it’s just not part of the culture. But they’re sometimes shocked at how naturally hairy us Caucasians can be. A student asked me why my arms were so hairy a couple days ago. 😛 I’m a really dark brunette with really fair skin who has a gorgeous mane of thick curly hair and plenty to shave. Don’t forget the annoying thick chin and neck hairs. It’s a personal choice, and I think it often depends on the kind of hair you have–but I’m quite happy the way I look. 🙂

  6. I totally and completely get your point. But will I stop? No–I truly like my smooth, shaved legs. Interesting timing, though, b/c my daughter is 11 and I’m sure in a year or two the subject will come up. Right now I don’t think she has any awareness of it whatsoever and there seems to be no one in her circle doing it yet. Buys me time to think!

  7. I didn’t start shaving my legs until 7th grade I think I was 12. I was being picked on and teased at school for being hairy. I remember begging
    my parents to let me shave, and they did but they also told me once you start with the shaving you must keep doing it and what a pain in the ass it is to keep doing having been warned I did it any way the first time using Nair hair removal after that I was taught how to shave with a razor.
    Now days I shave a couple of times a week because I like the way the legs
    feel smooth after wards but my parents were right it is a pain to keep up
    with. I always was in such a hurry to grow up and now I wonder why the rush it isn’t as much fun to be an adult as I thought it would be.

  8. I totally remember beeeeggggging my mom to let me shave my legs. BEGGING. I have blond hair, but it is pretty ornery. You can’t tell necessarily, but you can totally feel it. I do go through periods when I don’t shave it, but for me, it is kind of a marker of my own self care: when I shave it is because I am feeling good about myself, I am taking better care of myself. When I am not shaving it isn’t necessarily laziness or a choice: I am not caring about any part of my appearance, and I might be depressed.

  9. Legs, no. Underarms – after a traumatic experience at a pool party when someone pointed out that I really needed to (I hadn’t noticed!). I think the hair would bug me.

    • Me too, just too itchy. I don’t shave daily but when things start getting bristly it feels good to get rid of it.

      Interesting post, though. I would say I definitely started shaving because that’s what you were supposed to do – although I was a kid in the 70’s and I do think that there may have been more women proudly not shaving to affirm their feminism than now, so I didn’t have the idea that all women shaved. However, as a kid in a conservative family (navy brat) with pre-boomer parents, I may have been given some cues that unshaven was icky.

  11. My boys have asked me how it ever started that women shave and men do not. I have never had a good answer — I just told them that somehow and on some day way back in the past, it was determined that it was more feminine for a woman to have bare skin. Not fair, kinda crazy, but I, too, prefer smooth skin I guess because that is all I have known.

  13. I am Hispanic and started as soon as I could. I could braid my leg hair after a week. 🙂 Having said that, in winter I do shave less because no one sees it. It doesn’t bother me as much. However, I like the way my legs look hairless. It’s much easier to see a nice calf muscle.

  14. Great post! I started shaving my legs in the 6th grade after a lot of controversy-both my parents grew up in Europe and my dad kept saying that only hookers shaved their legs. Which led to another interesting talk between my mother & I regarding who or what hookers were. LOL My mom finally worked her wife magic because I was able to shave a few days later.
    My hair is pretty light, but shaving is part of my self-care routine every Sunday night {face mask, body scrub, shave, etc} that I wouldn’t stop anytime soon.

  15. I am oldest of 4 girls, so I think I was probably in 9th grade before I was “allowed”- and really it didn’t matter because I was a towhead. I spent a few years in the 70s “hairy”-even at the public pool. No one really noticed again-but it was the “hippie” thing to do. The older I get the less hair I have on my legs and under my arms, so I only shave about once a week. I spend a lot of time in my bathing suit-but if I didn’t would probably give up the whole thing…

  16. I couldn’t wait to start shaving my legs. I was probably 11 when I started because I didn’t get my period until I was 12 and was feeling like a late bloomer and I think my mother felt sorry for me. And she gave me the BEST advice, which I follow to this day: shave only up to just above your knee. Never shave your thighs! I shave a lot less than I used to, especially in the winter, but also because my hair is relatively fine. I mostly only shave from about mid-shin down…and the tops of my toes…they get super hairy!

  17. The whole shaving issue I don’t think ever came up in my house. I’m not sure, but I think my mom was waiting for me to come to HER with questions and advice about this topic as opposed to her saying, “Hey daughter of mine, it’s time that you do this socially-acceptable thing now…”

    I was a cheerleader my freshman year of high school. I wasn’t popular at ALL–I was on the squad because I was talented and so the coaches couldn’t morally deny me the right to be on the squad, but I was relentlessly bullied and didn’t fit in. One very traumatic day….during a basketball game…and I was positioned right in front of the most popular kids in the stands….my peers took up a chant that spread through the crowd.

    HAIRY. ARMPITS. *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* HAIRY ARMPITS. *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap*

    Everyone was pointing at me and laughing.

    I was paralyzed with horror, and it took me far too long to figure out that they were actually talking about ME. I ran out of the room (and received a demerit in the process, for “leaving a performance without permission”) and into the bathroom and vomited until I almost passed out. Not only did that moment trigger an obsession with shaving EVERY BIT OF HAIR on my body (I think I even shaved the hair on my head after that), but it also triggered massive body issues and eating disorder issues that haunt me to this day. Ultimately, the message that I heard was: My peers found me disgusting, which meant that I MUST BE DISGUSTING.

  18. You know, it strikes me how many women here say they’ve started shaving because they were made fun of. THIS is the problem… not whether or not mom shaves. Because we still live in a society where little girls are pressured into a cultural construct of beauty, but beyond that, that this concept of beauty corresponds to the “rightness” or “wrongness” of a woman (or girl).

    My twins are an interesting study in this. The elder twin is very social and appearance conscious. She shaves religiously, won’t go to school without her makeup and the “right” clothes, and struggles with her weight (which causes her to stress eat). Her focus is very often on being accepted by others, which also translates into helping others, building a community, and being a peacekeeper.

    The younger twin (who is autistic) really doesn’t give a flip what most people think of her. Her friends are very much out of the mainstream. She wears what’s comfortable, not what’s fashionable, and she doesn’t see any reason to shave or wear makeup, since she sees it as a social/ cultural demand that has no meaning except in the cultural objectification of women.

    Now my problem is, that she’s right. And her sister is right. When you belong to a society, you play by certain rules. When those rules are generally harmless, then there’s no problem. Shaving is not genital mutilation. But playing by those rules also becomes so ingrained in us, that we don’t look at the reason behind them… and that we somehow fool ourselves into believing that there’s a good reason for them. And in some cases, that we LIKE them (for the same reason, no doubt, men like them)

    I know I feel uncomfortable when I go out bare legged and there’s even the slightest trace of hair on my legs. But I don’t kid myself that this is because it’s physically uncomfortable in any way, and as for itching in ANY area I shave, I know that NOT shaving will make the itch go away, but shave anyway. Why? I have no illusions that it’s ANYTHING but the fact that these cultural values about what is feminine are so ingrained in me that it makes me uncomfortable to buck them.

    And I have to admit, there are times I look at my daughter’s hairy legs and don’t know whether to applaud her feminist bravado or just wish she’d shave. But it’s only that latter choice I keep in check, because no matter what I FEEL about the topic, I KNOW she’s right.

  19. I started shaving when I was 10 because a boy in my history class made fun of me and said I should start braiding my leg hair. Looking back, it couldn’t have been more than the natural, soft hair, but in my mind it was super long, dark, and thick. I was horrified, and I went home and shaved right after school, after spending the rest of that day trying to figure out how to hide my legs from everyone.

  20. You did not really say SHOULD did you? Hahaha!

    I have been shaving my legs since I was a young woman and honestly I am never going to give it up. I wear sheer stockings when I dress up and hair showing through them would look horrible in my eyes and it would be uncomfortable too, and make my stockings run. It is part of my ‘hygiene’, something I do to take care of me… like keeping my nails clean and tidy, and my hair washed and styled.

    I think we have to make our own choices of course.

    If you had a male child, would you tell him he never had to shave, or ever cut his hair? Or take care of body odors?

    • This blog used to be cool. Not sure why I ever even click on it now, but as the comment below says, she makes up these click-bait titles to raise the ire of readers and I fall for them.

      • Well, it’s my life. And if my life musings convey to you as clickbait (?) then that’s how they read to you.
        This is old school blogging for me.
        What’s happening.
        No sales pitch.
        No affiliate links.
        I appreciate your thoughts, but the title? precisely what is in my head.

    • I did, but I also stated OF COURSE IM BEING HYPERBOLIC, and continued from there.
      For me the SHOULD is the fact I’d never stopped to consider my why.
      And, after talking with friends male and female about our daughters, realized many of us had not.

  21. “Obviously my post title was hyperbolic, but I urge you, if you shave, to consider the reasons behind your choice.

    You may have already and *know* it’s the right choice for you.”

    YES THIS. Whatever our choices in life, the most important thing is that we take the time to stop and consider the reasons behind our choices, and to understand whether we really want them.

    Doing this in all areas of life every. single. day. 🙂

  22. My mom never talked through any of that with me. Truly we were never close when I was a child. I shaved the first time at a friends house, then did it one time at home and cut myself, go figure. Mom was forced to have the talk then. I personally wouldn’t go non-shaven, but totally agree to each their own!

  23. I remember the pleading I gave my Mother to start shaving! I was around 12. She told me once I start the hair would come in coarser than it was but I wanted that feminine right of passage.

  24. I remember my grandma telling me when I was kid that she had never shaved. Her legs were as smooth as a baby’s butt and hairless. She told me the hair just eventually fell out. She’s Scandinavian descent, so maybe it’s something in the genes. Not the case for me. I’ve tried the not shaving thing before, but it didn’t last long. I just can’t do it.

  25. I begged to shave my legs and now I cannot stand the feeling of having hair on them. People get so “excited” for winter because they’re no longer “obligated” to shave their legs, but I’m hypersensitive enough that I hate the feeling of putting on pants with hairy legs and I can’t fall asleep with my legs touching if I haven’t shaved in more than a day. That all feels a little ridiculous, and it’s obviously a totally personal preference, but I like shaving my legs.

  26. Interesting. Well, I had a surprise. My leg and arm hair disappeared when I hit menopause so I don’t need to shave legs. My eyebrows also went, mostly, so that is something I have to add some definition to. My underarms are sparsely populated with hair and I shave every couple days. Hair traps bacteria which causes odor, so I don’t go natural.

  27. What I found shocking when my daughter began shaving her legs was how many of her friends were also shaving their pubic hair, in middle school. I believe this trend is here to stay, and it still seems odd to me.

  29. It’s a chore but I have to admit, I feel better when I shave. I remember starting to do it in the summer of my 12th year, when I spent most of my time in a bathing suit and longed to look polished and hairless like my older cousin.

    These days, from what I can tell, going hairless has crossed genders. Have you seen the “No-No” commercials? There are just as many men as there are women who want to be hair-free. It makes me wonder … when did it become so grotesque to have hair on our bodies? If it’s a natural state, who decided it was bad?

  30. I started shaving at 13. I never gave it much thoughts. The good news as I get older and hormones are changing, I really only need to share about once a week. I’m happy about that!
    Best of luck to you Carla!

  31. Fortunately, as I’ve gotten older I have much less hair on my legs or under my arms so I only shave occasionally. Not bad for someone with dark brown (really gray) hair. On a podcast we were recording lately we talked about dying underarm hair pink or purple. Might be fun if I had enough of it. LOL

  32. It was definitely one of those rites of passage for me – I remember how much I wanted to. I can barely go a day without shaving now – to be honest I just love that silky feeling. And when a little hair grows it just feels itchy on my tights or pants. Luckily as I have gotten older my body hair has become lighter and softer (I used to nair off my arm hair I hated it so much!)

  33. My mom wouldn’t let me shave when I was younger even though I had dark hair and got teased about it all the time. It was to the point where I hated wearing shorts even when it was hot or going to gymnastics or the pool, both of which I loved. So, the body image stuff can go either way, I guess. At some point I snuck a razor and shaved them anyway and cut myself all to hell but it was worth it.

    I’m not the most dilligent shaver now, but I typically never let it get past the stubble stage. I have a friend who feels she must shave her legs daily. That I don’t get!

  34. I don’t remember actually doing it but I remember the fit my mother had when she sat next to me in our car and realized that I had done it without telling her or anyone for that matter!!!

  35. Kudos to you for walking the talk. Your daughter is growing up in a society that is more accepting of differences, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to be different. The great thing about shaving, is that neither decison has to be permanent.

  36. I’ve stopped shaving, and my daughter thought it was a part of our religion. So we had a bit of a talk about the fact that I stopped shaving because I just didn’t want to anymore (my hair grows fast so it would be daily if I was really keeping up with it.)
    Leg hair does get soft again, and it can add warmth in winter (I shaved my legs in winter once and noticed that my legs were suddenly colder.)
    I’m not at the point of being comfortable without pants and sleeves, but I’m quite happy to not have the stubble and irritation that comes with it.

  37. Happily in the shave-my-legs-until-i-can’t camp. Less frequent in the winter of course. But, ew. I can’t stand myself when my legs aren’t shaved. I get 5 o’clock shadow on my calves. I don’t care what anyone else does, do you. But as for me, Gillette is my friend.

  38. Thought-provoking as usual, Carla.
    I’ve never thought much about this – the “why.” I have no idea why our society views body hair as “gross” but I admit I shave because of expectations AND personal preference. I’m super pale and even though my hair isn’t that dark it is noticeable. I like the feeling after a good shave and I get so itchy in winter when I shave less often.
    I remember begging my mom to let me shave in 6th grade; most of my friends did, and while I was never personally teased, I was a gymnast and then cheerleader who didn’t want to stick out in that way. The first time I shaved I did it behind my mom’s back and still have the scar on my shin (!!!) from where I clumsily sliced into my skin. Yowzers. Wish we’d discussed shaving before then!

  39. I love the smooth feeling after shaving, so I couldn’t even consider stopping. I have eleven daughters, and let them decide when and if they want to shave. My husband is very hairy, and some of the girls have inherited it, and hate it. It’s a sad fact, but in our society, body hair and women just do not mesh. I try to support whatever makes them feel beautiful, even though I don’t care for face make up, piercings, ect. I tell them all the time that they are beautiful without all of that…girls need to be told they’re beautiful, inside and out.

    Della

  40. It’s weird, I actually enjoy shaving. I love the smooth, soft, silky feeling of my skin after teh stubble is gone. It doesn’t bother or annoy me either unless I forget to shave and get stuck in a workout class looking at darkness in the mirror as I lift my arms. But, this definitely gave me something to think about in the future…

  41. I had blond hair on my legs forever. Still do or a lot of it. Underarms are mixed. I actually do not even recall when I started shaving.. maybe high school but I know I put it off because it was lighter. I feel bette shaved so I don’t intend to stop BUT FRIG – I wish it would stop growing all over my face, eyelids, nose, chin, neck – everywhere I don’t want it & shaving is not an option on those areas at my age due to sensitive & thinner skin – the hormone change crap! 🙂

  43. I hardly ever shave my legs, even in summer with shorts! When I do shave, it’s only my calves and not my thighs. I just can’t be bothered. I think it’s because I don’t like stubble and I have no interest in shaving every other day to keep that down. I’ve never understood the requirment to shave the legs.

    I do shave under my arms because I think it helps my deodorant work better (I hope!! 😀 )

  44. I started around 12 years old too. I don’t think I could ever stop because it would annoy me to no end! I’m a hairy beast you see!

  45. I had very fine, blonde leg hair as a child and when I was 12 or 13 you could barely see it. But kids in PE would point and laugh and make fun of ANYONE who did not shave. Leg hair just got you made fun of, called weirdo, and made people say “ewwww!” So even though I had asked my Mom and she’d said no, then I begged my Mom to show me how to shave and she said NO because my leg hair was so fine and blonde, that I went in the shower, took her razor, and tried to do it myself (without shaving cream or lotion) and cut my legs up badly. I came out with blood dripping and my Mom was horrified. But then finally she taught me how to shave my legs.

    We have daughters about the same age, and I’ve talked to mine about this already. She knows that most girls where WE live do shave their legs when they get to be teens, but also knows it’s a choice and if someone does not shave that’s fine. She wants to and plans to shave when she is older, because she wants to fit in. That’s pretty much why I still shave; I have no desire at age 46 to have a replay of people staring at my hairy legs and making wrong assumptions about my hygiene. It doesn’t matter to me what anyone else does, or whether my daughter ever chooses to shave or not. We should all do what makes us comfortable IMO.

  46. My mother didn’t want to let me shave until she noticed i would not wear shorts or go in the swimming pool. When she asked, i told her the truth, that i was teased so mercilessly by everyone i was hanging around with for the hair on my legs that i had to wear jeans all of the time to cover it. She was angry, but she let me start.

    Now i do it because i like the way it looks, after experimenting with not doing it at times.

  48. I don’t have daughters, so I haven’t had to contemplate how my shaving or not will affect another person (my boys are oblivious). I can’t stand not shaving my arm pits, but I will often go for weeks without shaving my legs. I do prefer the smooth feel though and always come back to shaving. (And I would have no issues with a clean shaven man…)

  49. I read this this morning and it has stuck with me all day. Mainly, my mom’s message was, “once you start you can’t stop” (her point was b/c the hair would grow in darker and thicker). It’s interesting the “horrible” things moms (loving moms) threaten us with. Thx for your candor and how this was though provoking!

  50. I remember having to learn about shaving from my friends. My mom never shaved. Never. She was a red head and I was dark and hairy. Like my father. My mother was not into the girl stuff, so I was on my own. God laughed, and I had a really early menopause. No hair was my bonus. But I was determined that my daughter wouldn’t have to learn alone. I was going to be there for her. So as we waited for puberty, we waited for hair. God laughed again. No hair. Plenty of puberty. But no hair. Lol

  52. I’ve never liked armpits, so that definitely goes (I use an epilator though <3 ), but as far as the legs go, I don't bother all that often since people would have to be pretty up close and personal to notice it. I like the smoothness when I do bother to though! Let us know how it goes!

  53. I was too nervous to ask my dad to take me to the store to buy a razor, so my mom would shave my underarms every weekend when she’d pick us up! Hilarious, now that I think back on it.

  54. Oh, how I hate to shave. HATE TO SHAVE! I say I do my underarms MAYBE once a week and my legs once every two or three months. Or more. I honestly can’t remember the last time I shaved.

    I do remember the first time, though. I had been begging my mom to let me start and she kept saying no. So one day, I took a bar of soap, a glass of water, a towel, and a razor to my room and started. She walked in on me and just stared. Then she said “Well, I hope you like it because once you start you it’ll be thicker when the hair grows back. You’ll have to do it more often, so I hope you enjoy it now.” Then she walked out. And now?

    Oh, how I hate to shave. 🙂

  55. I was 12 when I started shaving my legs, probably 10 or 11 when I started shaving my underarms. I was very insecure about it. My mom was very hesitant to let me and my twin sister shave, but my aunt, who was cursed like my twin and I, convinced her it was OK. I enjoy the winter when I can take a shaving break once in a while.

  56. Two things: I feel gross when I don’t shave. Shaving makes me feel cleaner somehow. And.. YOU WERE A CHEERLEADER? That doesn’t fit with my mental picture of you!

  58. I was probably around 11, and shaved for the first time at sleep away camp. I’m not sure I could ever stop now, but I do commend you for taking the stand!

  59. Definitely lots to think about. I don’t really remember when I started shaving but I have very hairy legs so it was probably around age 10-11. Not sure if I could go back to not shaving because I definitely feel better when I have smooth legs. But I will be more mindful of how I address it and talk about it in front of my daughters. Thankfully, they are too young yet. 🙂

  60. You are brave, I don’t think I could ever stop, I feel like it’s part of me. But you just totally brought back the memories of the first time I’ve ever shaved!

  61. Why yes, I remember when I started shaving. I was 12 and cut up my legs so badly there was blood everywhere. Nice experience, and I guess that’s why I continued (or because I thought I needed to). And how timely is all this… Daughter will be 12 soon and now I can be as wise as you <3.

  62. I started shaving at 16, then stopped from age 20 to 42, and then I started shaving again, but only occasionally. To me it feel like an occasional little self-care ritual in the shower.

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