Cucumbers are my love language.

by

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About a year ago, during a marriage counseling session, the Husband mentioned something which bothered him.

“Carla’s birthday is coming and I have absolutely no idea what to buy her.”

This surprised him.

This, to him, showed a greater disconnect between the two of us than he’d thought.

This was absolutely no surprise to me.

I couldn’t identify what I wanted. I wanted nothing.

It isn’t I don’t like material things (I have an addiction to eyeglasses which would impress Elton John).

It’s just outside of my love of ostrich jerky I’m less about wanting more (stuff) and more about wanting…something else.

I didn’t know what the else was (in general. for my birthday.) and said as much in the session.

I understood how, for him, not immediately thinking Oh Carla would *love* this! felt like a sign of doom for our marriage.

Since I didn’t have an answer for him, however, it only made me want to dig deeper (in general. for my birthday.) and discover what I wanted.

Feb 31 eyeglasses frames

glasses addict lover.

I’ve spent the past eleven months since that session pondering Love Languages.

I’ve paid attention to what types of (finger quotes) gifts (unFQ) made me feel heard.

I’ve noted when others used their language with me, was able to appreciate the gesture yet recognized the language didn’t match mine.

And then I left town for a few days.

I attended a conference. I learned. I laughed. I thought not much about what was happening back at home.

From schoolwork to meal prep I knew the Husband could handle it and I’d take over when (he left town and) I returned.

I landed in Austin.

I returned home.

Sitting on the counter were these beauties:

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I adore the slim, seedless wonders.

I write while I simultaneously snack on them.

I walk around the house and grab one each time I pass the kitchen island.

I don’t drink enough water and these water-laden treats help me hydrate.

It wasn’t an understatement to say I was shocked the Husband thought to buy some when he went to the grocery.

It also isn’t an understatement to say upon seeing them I realized cucumbers are my love language.

Fiat 500 black

I like my Fiat. It’s not my love language.

I’d read enough Gary Chapman to know he’d now deem my Love Language to be Act of Service yet somehow it felt different from that.

I don’t find love in the Husband unloading the dishwasher—he lives here (and when he travels he’s not here to unload).

I don’t feel sappy sentiment when the Husband sits outside to watch the Child and friends swim so they don’t drown–he’s her father.

I was more touched by the purchase of the Persian lovelies than I would have been by jewelry or a car.

After my realization I began to notice other acts of love around the domicile.

Always seemingly small stuffs, but small stuff which was really big stuff to me.

Indications of someone thinking about me, whether I was present or not, and making an effort to make my life easier.

Gestures like the Child pre-filling the Doodle’s afternoon scoop of food in the morning before leaving for school.

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<3 <3

Each time I opened the dog food container (invariably in a hurry to get to my next task) and saw the scoop already brimming with food I felt loved.

I sensed someone was living with the backdrop of What could I do to make Carla’s day better & brighter? and that felt great.

Have I shared my realization with the Husband?

I haven’t. I tend to be the person who jumps in too soon instead of holding a thought *in*, exploring it and sharing only after that.

I still need to clarify the Language in my head (and my birthday is rapidly approaching).

I don’t know I can (yet) define for another (outside of cucumbers & dog food scoops) what my Love Language looks like.

But I’m getting there.

Slowly.

And yet, thanks to the Husband, I’ll be snacking along the way.

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Comments

  3. I find it has changed so much over time. We are days away from celebrating 10 years of being married and he’s so excited about it – which is completely unexpected. I love that he can still surprise me with his emotions, after all this time 🙂

    • oh I adore that as well. that’s HUGE. we are edging toward TWENTY. terrifying 🙂

  5. I’ll agree that the language of love is usually in the small things, or the meaning behind things rather than the material things.

  6. Can I just say I Love this? I love those little cukes myself but I don’t think that is my love language. Could it be that those little small things really are what it is all about? YES! A million times yes. You nailed it with this one. Great post to start my morning with—so glad I clicked. 🙂

  7. It’s the little things for me as well. And like you, I’m not sure that I’d exactly call it “Acts of Service”. I’ve struggled with this because how can you help someone else understand what makes you happy when you don’t even understand yourself.

  8. This is lovely. And I am really having to struggle at NOT making an obscene cucumber joke about your love language. hahahaha.

  9. I love love love this. Li get love language. My hubby made the mistake early on and bought me expensive jewelry that I had to make a note to wear but then when he bought me headphones that I wanted or the new camera lens–I was over the moon! Once he realized that I wasn’t all about what “women” want things went a lot better 🙂

    • YES! and you make a great point. We (the royal) really do need to be uber super clear about what we want as well. I think I am? Im not sure I am…

  11. that’s so cute! Mine might be salted cashews or Lindt chocolate – I love both more than flowers or jewelry! I’ve been a big fan of the 5 love languages and I know I speak entirely different ones to my husband, but we’re getting better at it all as we go along. I think it’s about having the desire to understand and to appreciate the effort when it’s made for us x

  12. “I sensed someone was living with the backdrop of What could I do to make Carla’s day better & brighter? and that felt great.”

    I love that! Yes! That type of thing definitely warms the heart.

    Waaaaay back in the day I dated several guys who were obsessed with *big romantic gestures*. It drove me crazy — it was like they thought they could make up for all the little things by doing one big sweeping gesture (which was never something I particularly cared about, anyways). It was never about me, it was about THEM. When the people in our lives do things for us that are about us, rather than about them, that means SO much.

    • yes yes yes yes yes to the about them. THIS IS ALL MY OWN SHIT (thats a disclaimer) but thats how I always saw engagement rings. It was probably more that Im not a jewelry person BUT I always saw them thru the lens of the man/partner saying LOOK WHAT I CAN AFFORD TO BUY.

  13. And here I was thinking I was the only one obsessed with cucumbers!
    Seriously, I buy/eat so many of them people look at me like I have 2 heads.
    I love all varieties of the cucumber. I should be a paid spokesperson for the cucumber industry. (Is there a cucumber mafia?)

  14. That purchase of cucumbers was really sweet. What a great relationship you two have. Thanks for sharing your insights about love languages.

  15. Sweet! My husband is so not the grand gesture type of guy, and sometimes it easy to take the small daily acts of love for granted. Thanks for reminding me that I need to be more aware of them!

  16. Sweet gesture about the cukes. Let’s talk glasses. How much fun is it to change up the frames. Your perfect gift is right in front of you.

    • ahhh and now my DESIRE for more more more Feb 31st frames (have you seen those???) is reignited 🙂

  17. Thank you for the insight into how complicated a love language can be! It seems simple on the surface, but there are dialects, and i need to learn the specific dialects of my family better.

    • I bet my daughter gets more complicated through the teen years—but right now she’s pretty easy (homemade gifts are her language). There’s a book called The 5 Love Languages for Children which is really really interesting as well.

  18. This is such great timing for me. Joe’s birthday is coming up in a couple of months and I go through this with him all the time. We’ve had counseling sessions where we’ve discussed our love languages and somehow I didn’t apply it to birthday gifts (of which he never wants any). Thank you for posting this as now I have time to really think about what would fill him with love for his birthday rather than thinking about what “thing” I can get him.

    • And I think it’s hard to ever change anyone (in that I wouldnt get annoyed if he used his language to convey love to me—Id understand thats how he expresses love)—but I think he might also LOVE to know my LOVE is 4.99 and available at groceries everywhere 🙂

  19. While I love cucumbers too, my favourite act of love to receive is that first morning cup of coffee brought to me in bed. It’s such a small gesture, really, the kitchen is one flight of stairs away and I could easily get up and make it for myself. But my husband’s insistence on doing this one small thing for me each day has a way of making the dirty dishes he leaves on the counter less annoying… PS love that pic of us 🙂

  20. Just imagine if you were suddenly single and had to put these details in your online dating profile? It would sound a little wacky. My husband does the same kinds of things those, simple sweetness is the best.

  21. My love language is probably a clean toilet, a dead bug, getting picked up at the curb on a rainy day… mrC definitely makes me feel loved with the little everyday things he does for me. Not that I don’t love a gift every now and then 😉

  23. What a sweet, sweet story and testament to your husband’s love. It is these little gestures that mean so much…for me it’s when Hubs buys me a book just because he thought I’d like it, or has hot water waiting for my tea when I get up in the morning, or scoops the cats’ litter box without being asked. And your provocative headline was great!

  24. It’s the little things that speak volumes. I love that your husband bought you your favorite cucumbers. It warms my heart when my husband remembers to cover my coffee to keep it hot while I step away from the table. That’s love!

  25. I love when someone takes the time to say, “I’m thinking of you!” There is no better gift in my opinion.

  26. I guess we are more alike than I first thought, because those cucumbers would totally do it for me too! As a matter of fact, I’m making a note of them because I could snack on them all day too! My husband is very good at those types of things. I unfortunately, am a little obtuse in that department!

  27. I can TOTALLY relate to this post! The little things mean so much more to me than the grand gesture. I think some of that comes from watching my own dad buy make-up gifts for my mother when they were fighting. Recently, DH got me a new Seahawks t-shirt, just because he saw it and thought I’d like it. I did thank him for it, but there have been other small things I’ve noticed recently that, like you, I have not responded to. I’m afraid if I point them out, it’ll spook him and he’ll stop – isn’t that silly? It certainly gives me warm fuzzies, at the same time that it changes our inter-personal dynamic just enough to encourage me to keep working on things. Enjoy your cucumbers!

  28. Without asking, my husband will bring me little snacks I enjoy…like my favorite drink from Starbucks, or a pack of cashews. Or this, and hold tight, this is a BIG one – he’ll ask me if I want to go to Anthropologie. Yep, that’s my love language.

    Carla, your stories are wonderful, and after chatting with you at BAM, it made reading them even more entertaining. You are a lovely, unique woman.

  30. Ok. So ihave to admit. I love those English cukes, too. But man, are they expensive! Like diamonds! I still think making your own little booklet of gestures and having him give it to you while he vows to do every one of them consistently is a great idea! ROTFL

  31. I think it’s absolutely great you appreciate the small (literally) stuff. Yesterday Du got a salad before his meal came at the restaurant (I got none), but when the waiter set the salad down, I immediately reached over and grabbed one of the two sliced cucs (and he loves them too….and worse….I know that!) and dipped it into his untouched cup of ranch dressing and ate it, before he had a chance to even see it! (The cucumbers were facing me, not him!) I guess you could say that I appreciate the fact that he didn’t resent me for taking one of his two cucumbers. He’s like that.

  32. I started to recognize myself about midway through, Carla. I feel loved when I come home and the kitchen counters are clean; when Loved-One gets up early and cooks breakfast; when he remembers I like to order pizza after a road trip. Especially, the clean counters. It’s the first thing I see when I come in the house. I feel missed. I feel loved. I feel like someone knows what’s important to me.

  33. Yes the small gestures do it for me too far more than any large gift. I love that my husband will drive out and check on me during a long run and bring water or that he has a glass of chocolate milk sitting on the counter for me post run – makes me smile every time!

    • oh that driving out to check on you during a long run?! LOVE PERSONIFIED <3

  34. When my husband turns on the towel warmer for me in the morning, it’s like an extra hug. The trick is not feeling slighted when he doesn’t do it!

  36. I would have loved those cucumbers too! I like the little things as well. My hubbster does them all day for me that I often don’t pay attention anymore. It’s so important to remember and thanks for the reminder! I really like that whole love languages thing!

    • Ive thought about what you said (someone doing these sorts of things all the time so we become almost immune to them) since I read your comment yesterday. I wonder if there is too much of a love language? if we can become callous to appreciating it? or, as Coco says below, (or above 🙂 now Im directionally muddled) if someone does it all the time and then one day forgets or is rushed etc and we think WAIT WHAT?? THE TOWEL WARMER ISNT ON??

  38. I love those cucumbers too.

    My love language is in the little things as well. Frankly, if it’s a big purchase, I don’t want to be surprised, I want to be INVOLVED. I’d probably be pissed if my husband bought me a car without asking. We’re a team – buying something big is not a gift, it’s an investment.

    I’d prefer to be whisked away for a weekend somewhere, a gift I didn’t know I wanted but couldn’t live without, or even my favorite can of soup or something. I’m sure I’m weird.

  39. I’m with you there! There are things that I think would be cool, but I don’t place much importance with material possessions either. I like experiences and making memories. :] The small stuff definitely means a lot more to me too!

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