Im telling my brain a new story.

by

Dallas Hartwig

Last week I had a funny interaction with a friend.

Not funny as in ha ha (I love me some those) but funny as in odd.

It wasn’t too tremendously off, but awkward enough it gave me pause.

I invited my friend to do something in October and she declined saying she was busy that month.

I embraced the NO. I appreciated the NO. I’m a believer in notion a misplaced YES is a bad thing.

I went on with my day and didn’t give our chat a second thought.

I was disappointed she couldn’t join me for the event. I knew there would be other times.

The next morning I learned the date of the activity had been moved to November.

I’ll call my friend, I thought. I bet she can come now! This is great!

I called. I shared the plans were now for November. I asked, more kidding than not, if she was still busy.

She said yes, her plate was full.

As silly as it seems in hindsight (and after telling my brain a new tale) I felt quite sad.

I didn’t feel down because my friend was busy (life happens).

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(SadCarla. It’s immediately apparent this is NOT my natural state…)

I felt sadness and surprise as it became clear during our exchange I’d overestimated our friendship.

I’d assumed I was a make-time-for friend when, in actuality, I was not.

I sat with my emotions the rest of the day.

I embraced them.

I questioned how many other women whom I considered Friend with a capital F might view me simply as friend.

I told my brain the wrong story.

In an effort to not distract myself from my feelings I began to tell myself the wrong tale.

A story of needing new friends, of not being good at “reading” people and, thanks to working from home, of having few opportunities to meet women in my city.

I told my brain the wrong story and started to feel myself make it my own.

Until a few days later.

The Austin rains stopped, the Doodle and I headed out for a walk, and life conspired to refute the tale I’d told myself.

In the course of our amble I met 3 women who were all friendly, initiated conversation, and clearly interested in creating friendships.

When he and I returned home I felt better than I had since the “conversation” days prior.

People like me, I thought. People are attracted to my energy and want to get to know me.

Your brain believes the story you tell it.

I told myself this new narrative as I went through my day and, not surprisingly, I witnessed evidence re-enforcing my story everywhere.

I couldn’t not see it!

Text messages received and time spent with old friends which reminded I was a capital F  for them.

I met even more new women at a spontaneous gathering which reminded me I was someone people enjoyed spending time with.

This experience, as painful as it was to endure, turned out to be a gift.

It made me aware life is merely information and I have the power to interpret and process the way I choose.

Instead of shutting down or cutting myself off I chose to make myself vulnerable with friends new and old.

Instead of pouting or hiding away I reminded myself being authentic fosters the deepest connections with others.

Did I make myself wholly vulnerable and tell my friend she’d hurt my feelings?

I did not.

As difficult as it was to hear I took in the information she provided, redefined our relationship, and moved forward.

In the end I’m immeasurably grateful for the lesson she unknowingly taught me:

Your brain believes the tale you tell it—be wary the stories you choose to share.

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Comments

  1. My brain has done that to me recently. It went down the slippery slope of horrible reasons why a friend was never able to meet up any time I asked. I gave up asking and decided if she really wanted to be friends, then she could come to me.

  2. Obviously I could know nothing at all and am only reading what I see here but maybe it IS possible that you are “still” and make time for friend? I have been known to over schedule myself for things (especially lately) and not realize it until it’s too late. (And I had no room for absolutely nothing else). Perhaps she just didn’t want to do the activity?

    • and you know I thought so much about that too. you could be correct? and I think if this were an isolated incident Id totally think you were right! more than even the friend thing I was fascinated how easily I could tumble into the wrong story. I who think I have all the stories in their proper places. I guess it’s the IF WE WANNA MAKE G-D LAUGH MAKE PLANS…or assume we’ve got out stories together 🙂

  3. I recently let go of a a friendship that was once very important to me. I have had to re-tell my brain a lot of things over the course of ending the friendship but now, after about 6 weeks, my mind is accepting the outcome and I am happier because of it. Now I wonder if she knows she is no longer the friend with the capital F, but it doesn’t really matter, because I know it.

  4. Why oh why do our brains play tricks on us sometimes!?!? I have to be super duper careful not to overanalyze EVERYTHING as that just my personality type. My husband has helped me tremendously take what someone says and just honestly accept it…if they say they don’t mind, THEY DON’T MIND…dont’ read into it. For me I just read into things WAY TOO MUCH!

    • YES!! Im the same and tell myself so very frequently: sometimes a rose is JUST A ROSE. AKA let it go 🙂

  5. Yes, so true! I find this especially true when it comes to raising my son. Sometimes I just have to remind myself not to be angry with him (urgh, he made another big mess), I tell my brain to have a positive outlook, oh, he’s taking the initiative to learn something new… embrace it! It works. So, instead of me getting mad, he’s getting praise for refining a new skill.

  8. Yes, the things you tell yourself can really shape your self-perception. I cringe at the impetus of this post, though, given my own crazy schedule. I’m not even sure when/if we can take a ski vacation this year with so many huge work deadlines in December and January. Spring skiing FTW!

  9. My brain gets duped by these “friends” pretty often. I am still mourning a friendship–a running friendship, no less–of a fellow blogger who has taken a different path. And basically telling me I’m “too old” to run with. Even tho I run faster than her. Because some women are competitive. I still can’t get over it. Because she sucked me in and spit me out.

    It never gets easier, does it?

    • NO IT SO DOESNT. and I cropped (yes shockingly I edit even though my posts STILL end up too long :-)) a whole section out of this about how the experience was a HUGE gift in terms of being a mom. I dont need to say “Oh honey I can imagine how you feel.” if/when this happens to my girl as I will be able to say with total emotion OH HONEY I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL—AND IT SUCKS.

    • In a very overarching way I taught my brain (other, bigger, more important) new stories through starting with meditation and the progressing to mantras which I carry with me throughout my day.

  11. Sometimes I want to yell at my brain with ‘you’re not the boss of me’ ! A friend wanted to get together this week and I put her off until next week. I will text her to make sure she knows she is a Friend, not a friend! Thanks Carla!!!

    • YESSSSSSS to the you’re not the boss of me. And I think it all returns to the way we convey messages as well? I always chat with the child about intent (that’s an obvious one) and tone. Ive been on the receiving end of many (and sent) OK CAN WE DO THIS NEXT WEEK? texts and not thought “f” at all.

  12. I rarely read blogs anymore, but this headline grabbed me, so…I agree 100%. And this is something I am working really, really hard on with my son. He is a soccer player and it is his passion, so it is very hard for me to see him assume the worst about his skill level or playing time he will receive. I can watch his play level drop with his confidence in himself/confidence in what he thinks the coach thinks of him. It’s a bad spiral. I’m trying to teach him to believe in himself and what he can do and that the rest will follow. It’s hard for us as adults and SO hard when it’s a stubborn teenage brain!

    • It’s amazing how malleable our brains can be at time. In the sense of I guess I’d always thought MY BRAIN IS SMART ENOUGH TO TEASE APART THE TRUTH FROM THE TALES I TELL MYSELF WHICH MAY MORE STEM FROM PLAIN EMOTION THAN BEING RATIONAL. Nope. And you are so right. It IS a spiral. In a great and upward way (Ive seen this with my daughter when she’s not great at something but BELIEVES she is!) and in a downward incorrect way as well.

  13. You are so right about the stories we tell ourselves. I have had similar things happen to me this year and they do hurt a bit. However, I just want you to know that I liked you IMMEDIATELY! And if you were here I’d move heaven & earth to try to free up time for you on request! just saying.

  14. When it comes to friendships, we make a lot of assumptions. We assume they see us as we see them, that they prioritize time together, that they have the same values etc etc. I’m coming to realize that my friendship is valuable and I’m not squandering it on fair weather friends any more – I’m saving it for those who invest back the same amount of energy.

    • you know what—you phrased it so SPOT ON with the WE ASSUME THEY SEE US AS WE SEE THEM.
      I need to ponder that for a while as I think you may have hit upon it when it comes to relationships in general as well.

  15. Love this. The whole friendship thing—I was so good at–in NY, Boston/Cambridge. I know–elitist, but that’s the world I was brought up in. Nothing about me acts elitist, I think.

    Here—well I never bring up politics or religion in person. But as others here express their views on Facebook, I think it’s fair for me to express mine

    I was told last week my views, on Facebook, incite hatred and violence. These are women I respect or maybe don’t anymore—I understand that we come from different cultures. In mine differences are embraced. Or are they? If they really were, would I be silent because my views aren’t the “right” views. OK answered my own question.

    I have met women who tell me they share my POV’s. But usually they have 24/7 jobs, small kids and more.

    This is really beginning to impact my life. I’m writing about it though I should be editing my book.

    This is and isn’t “time for” friends—that one I solved long ago by editing out or decreasing contact with people I wasn’t important too.

    Here I work on town projects with the women who think I incite violence and while I know they want me to continue—I’m an idea person—I don’t know if I can.

    I was totally thrown last week and don’t know what to do, except write and begin writing at the library where the librarians are more like me.

    At my age this shouldn’t be happening. And if I “incite violence” it’s on them because I say nothing of the sort. At least I believe in myself enough to know that.

  16. I do this all the time to myself. I’m going to pin this story and remember to read it every time my brain starts to go crazy! Excellent advice.

  18. Oh, I am so sorry this happened to you. Isn’t it amazing how much more we still have to learn. You know, I had a similar, yet different story (and outcome). I ran into someone I consider one of my dearest friends (though I realized I had never told her that) with someone else I knew. My friend introduced me as “Kim is my old neighbor” and I was so hurt. Is that all she thought of me? And I was sad for a week. The following week we were together and when our husbands left the room she said “I have something I have to share with you, you are the only person I can tell, and I need your advice” and she shared a huge secret/burden with me. I had told myself a different story…and yes, after that, I did make sure she knew how much I loved and valued her!

  19. My husband just went through this very thing this past week. It’s tough to find out you’ve read some people wrong and they aren’t as keen on your friendship as you are of them… but then you run into others who do want to develop a friendship and you remember “hey I’m cool after all” 🙂 I admit I’m a bit cynical with people and am always pleasantly surprised to find that they do like me…working on that.

  20. I have to admit, I’m not one who readily calls someone a Friend or friend. Many people are acquaintances. I don’t easily move people into my inner circle. In this season of my life, much alone time is needed. I did a practice of moving negative people out of my life. I must say, my life is very quiet these days. Not many invitations, etc. Does this say I’m not a friend, or I’m just extremely picky.

  22. Such an important quote. I have shared a similar one along the way. I actually had thought of hiring a ghost write for a book on this theme. My whole life as I see it now is that – I told myself a story that lead me here. Some of it based on things that happened to me thru life others I told myself that lead me here. I think many would actually shake their head a resounding YES to my story. Maybe the story is already out there. Want to be a ghost writer? 😉 I have been thinking about it a lot lately since I have known for years that this is my biggest issue. Not being able to change the story. It is a short in my head but I know it is a longer story. I am just not a writer plus it leaves me very vulnerable with my feelings & life out there.

  23. Thankfully I learned to tell new stories to my brain early on in life. Now it can’t creep in and take over. It’s not the same for my husband or mother. Helping them learning is always challenging. Thanks for sharing!

  24. I’m very forgiving if friends are busy or can’t show up, I never want someone to feel pressured, but I’ve had my feelings hurt a few times too. If a friend has been too busy a few times I usually back off and let them make the next move. If I’m honest, sometimes I back off out of hurt. But sometimes I just take them at their word and if they don’t want to be a Friend I’ll get the picture soon enough. It’s hard though, even as adults, to not feel at least a little rejected! I so agree with the energy we put out there and the things we think reflected around us. I have to remind myself of this all the time.

  25. A couple of years ago, I had to deal with the realities of a Friend vs friend situation. It was quite painful. However, like your experience – it ended up being a gift to me. I approach friendships in a much healthier way now. I do not tell my brain what I want this friend to be. I listen to who they are. I have more realistic expectations of my friends. I have a few dear friends that I count on for life’s ups and downs – the others are just what I call friend-light. I am much happier!!!

  26. Love it. It’s all about how we perceive the situation. It can definitely be hard to flip it around and I’m the same way – it usually takes some time and processing before I can see the good in everything.

  27. This is SO GOOD, Carla! I agree. And you can’t spend time on people who can’t make time for you. It’s not always for malice, but it just works out that way, and you know how to prioritize your time. Love your positive talk.

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