I dont see color.

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This post has languished in drafts for a while.

I’d work on it, the words wouldn’t flow or feel timely, I’d save the snippet I’d crafted hoping eventually I’d feel a sense of urgency to complete it.

I’d resurrect the draft when well-meaning friends remarked they don’t think of the Child as adopted because they don’t see color.

I’d tweak some sentences when I’d recall the very recent past when I used that same phrase.

I’d re-save my writing in draft-mode when I’d conclude, at that moment, my voice had nothing to add to the silence.

And the years progressed.

And the Child developed strong opinions of her own.

I watched as she created a self-definition entirely independent from mine.

I listened as words like Guatemalan, daughter, friend, adoptee, and Jewish intermingled with gymnast, swimmer, and nurturer.

I observed how she introduced herself to new friends and really heard the words she selected to describe herself.

I examined how I described her to others. I noted I added words (strong, brazen, funny, generous) yet I, too, began with the one most important to her: Guatemalan.

I don’t see color.

It had taken some time, but life had taught me the phrase I’d thought conveyed liberal, open-mindedness was, in fact, a disservice.

How when, in an attempt to show I believed us all the same/equal, I’d claimed I didn’t see color I was denying a large part of the person whose color I insisted I did not see.

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I was reminded of an interaction with a stranger when the Child was a toddler.

She’s adorable, the woman said. Is she yours? When I indicated yes, without missing a beat, the stranger responded:

Where did the color come from?

In the moment her comment shocked me.  With hindsight the interaction felt offensive. Now, years later, I view the remark as odd, but far less objectionable than I’d initially thought.

The color-question sparked a conversation about where the Child was born and the complicated nature of international adoption. Sure, the woman’s phrasing left a bit to be desired, yet had she ‘not seen color’ an opportunity for a frank conversation between strangers would have been missed.

As the Child matures it’s become clear others not seeing her skin color serves to eliminate a large piece of her identity/history about which she’s tremendously proud.

Disregarding color, and this has been a challenging lesson for me to learn, makes her and the rest of us the same.

And we are not.

As a human I see color and to insist otherwise would be a lie. I may not feel comfortable asking about differences or I may choose to ignore them—but I notice they are there.

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Last weekend at our Synagogue’s Family Service the Child pointed out a Black woman and her young son.

“I love seeing her here every week,” she said to me.

“I’ve noticed her too,” I responded.

“Her skin is a different color from everyone else just like mine is and it makes me comfy she’s here.”

It was her final sentence which sparked this post to emerge from drafts.

It’s not just OK to acknowledge we see color–it’s crucial.

Acknowledging awareness of differences may initially be uncomfortable for some (raises hand) but skin color impacts our every interaction and to pretend otherwise is naive.

To insist we don’t see color is to tell my child I can see who you are *despite* the color of your skin.

I’ve chosen to press publish on this even though, given the current (finger quote) climate (unFQ), I fear it may spark ugly disagreement.

That is not my intent.

My desire is simply to share my personal realizations and, as always, turn the question back to you.

Both in curiosity and in an effort to normalize my world.

  • Have you experienced a similar seismic shift in perspective? How did it look & feel like for you?

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Comments

  1. I use this phrase a lot and even more lately. I definitely mean to imply we are all the same, but I had never considered it this way
    I still think we are all the same underneath

  2. Oh thank goodness!!!! I saw the title and thought “oh no!!!” because I so do not agree with the “I don’t see color” thing. Of course we see it! We must see it!
    I have been asked “what are you?” my entire life because of my color. I was teased in grade school and heard the whispers behind my back. I struggled with which box to check on forms and had 1 million questions for my parents.
    How lucky your daughter is to have you – a mom who genuinely is concerned and constantly seeking out the right thing (for you) to do to help her daughter though this crazy life! Nice work mama!
    I could not be happier you put this out here!!!

  3. To me, there’s never been anything wrong with celebrating the differences that make us unique. What’s wrong is judging different to mean inferior by default.

    • I think when most people say “I don’t see color,” it is not meant literally. It is used to mean, “I do not treat (and will stand not stand for the treatment of) people differently (in a negative way) because of their color.” I come from the context of practicing employment discrimination law for 20 years. In my world, phrase “I don’t see color” has never been used to suggest that we should not celebrate cultural differences

      • I don’t think I have ever used that phrase, but this is the way I would see it as well. I was raised with the belief that “all men are created equal.” Of course we are different – and not just because of skin color, but because of culture or where we live or many other reasons – but those differences do not make anyone inferior.

        I think, to me anyway, this is just a difficult concept to express because it just feels like it shouldn’t have to be explained. We’re all human beings; what is confusing about that?

        Words can be hard sometimes. What we mean to say may not be what others hear.

  5. I love this. Reading it, it made me think, “we need to embrace our differences, not erase our differences.” Maybe that’s too much of a sound bite, but when we say we don’t see color (and really, does any one who’s not ever Caucasian say that?) I think we do risk minimizing important aspects of someone’s identity.

  6. I’ve never been a fan of “I don’t see color”. It erases a part of who a person is – their heritage, their culture, and often, how they experience the world. The problem is that noticing someone’s differences seems to have gotten a negative connotation instead of being an opportunity to learn about a different perspective than your own.

  7. Minorities don’t have the opportunity to say that we don’t see color. We don’t just see color, we are color. Society tells us everyday that because of our color we are inferior, we must work harder and our lives don’t always matter. Telling me that you don’t see my color feels extremely invalidating. To me, it means that you can’t see me and you can’t see my struggle. I WISH that we could turn color off and all look and be treated the same. I notice people crossing the street when they see me bundled up in the winter and the same for when the seat beside me on the subway stays empty. I notice the surprised faces when I open my mouth and I sound just like everyone else, with no accent and no use of Ebonics. Telling me that you don’t see color tells me that you don’t see my struggle. It also tells me that you would prefer to to act like these experiences don’t occur. When I hear people say that they don’t see color I want to tell them to check their privilege. I’m sooooooo happy that you are so open minded and willing to change. The older your daughter gets the more important it will be for you to see color so that you are always aware and validating of her experiences as a brown woman.

    p.s. I hope this isn’t offensive at all! Just MY opinion as a person of color.

    • ??????

      I’m NOT a person of color, but I see you—and recognize your struggle. I didn’t recognize that struggle until I stopped pretending that I don’t see color.

  9. As with many phrases, this one doesn’t convey what a person may mean to say. So it’s become meaningless with over usage. And because “I’m not one who instantly judges your character by the different pigment of your skin, but realize your blood is red, as is your heart, and if we strip away our outer layers, we are left with incredibly similar forms.” is just a little too clunky. 😉 I judge people by the way they treat others. I SEE your color, but I don’t care what your color is if you are being a jerk to people around you or if you are being extraordinarily kind.

    If you don’t KNOW me and tell me to check my privilege, that’s incredibly rude. You have no idea the path I’ve been on. That’s a pretty judgmental leap that is continuing a divide that isn’t necessary.

  11. Yes, yes, and yes! Thank you for writing this and being the person that your daughter can rely on when it comes to this issue.

  13. Great evolution in thought, Carla. Our children have so much to teach us. You are so open to learning from your daughter. What a wonderful gift you are to each other. And thanks for sharing your gift with us.

  14. I think this makes a lot of sense. We are all unique and to deny part of the uniqueness that is staring us in the face is to hold ourselves down. Good for you for pushing the publish button!

  15. I think the whole “colour” thing is different in Australia – there is not the same emotiveness attached to it. I look at her skin colour and think how beautiful it is – but it’s only a small aspect of her “wholeness” and only one aspect of all the unique attributes she has.

    • Such an interesting perspective. It is different in different countries and yet Id not considered this same phrase and its impact when said NOT in the USA.

  16. I saw this come into my inbox this morning and couldn’t wait to hear your perspective on this. While I know that those that use the phrase are well intentioned, I have never been a fan of its use. I am a woman of color and want to be seen in my entirety – color included because it shapes my experience in this world, it is intrinsically part of who I am. See my color, but don’t judge who I am based on it alone.

    Loved reading your thoughts on this, and I’m glad you put this out there for discussion.

  17. To say we don’t see color is like saying we don’t notice whether the person is male or female. It’s part of who we are and it should be celebrated!

  18. Beautiful post. I see color. I see gender. I see posture, age, ticks, scars, wheelchairs, hearing aids,…all of it. And I strive to approach everyone with kindness and an open mind. We are all in this together.

  19. I have always thought that not seeing color is disregarding a part of who the person really is. Interesting to read how you have come to the same conclusion!

  20. When I have heard the phrase, ” I don’t see color,” I’ve always thought it was a person’s way of being compassionate… and I still do, I don’t think people mean harm by that statement, I just think they may not think it through or more likely… plain old ignorance. It is so important to acknowledge a person as whole and perfect just as they are.

  21. I lov this perspective. It’s make perfect sense. Why not embrace difference and be proud of diversity? I look like apple pie but I’m quick to identify with the things that makes me different or that feel like home. We should be pround of every piece of us – regardless of whether or not they are visible. I think if we embraced what is visabliy different, we’d likely start to be more tolerant of other differences as well!

  23. Carla, wonderful and meaningful. Yes, we do see color and should celebrate our differences. And yet, there are so many ways of looking at this. My husband (white) who went to Savannah in the 60s to add his voice to the civil rights movement seems to be largely unaware of color. Treats non-white Hispanics and blacks as if he is not seeing color, doesn’t adjust his speech in ANY way, truly goes for the human in all of us. It amazes me all the time, because I am very aware of differences that would exist based on the history of the world vis a vis race, class, culture, and this makes me cautious in my exchanges. There’s an ease for me among Latinos, even though I am a white Latina, because I am used to being surrounded by many different backgrounds among Latinos, maybe because I understand these differences deeply and I don’t have to worry about not knowing.

  24. Glad you published this! Skin color is a part of who we are.
    My niece who lives in the UK is typical Semitic colored, her husband is very white and blue eyed. Their 5 year old says she is beige. She has noticed a difference in her skin color from some of her very creamy white classmates. It is who she is and she sees it like your daughter!

  25. I find this all so interesting, as my 12-year old has recently starting referring to every single thing we say that pertains to race or colour as ‘racist’. We’ve had lots of talks about what *is* and *isn’t* racist, but also realize that sometimes it’s a very subtle concept.

    I love this post because it gives me another perspective to share with him. xo

  26. I agree with the mindset that Sam mentions above – that we’ve used the phrase because we want people to know that we treat everyone equally and whatnot.

    And I think that’s similar to how you (Carla) explain having used it in the beginning, and how many of us do – but I think that, especially in today’s day and age and the current political and cultural climate – that we cannot use it anymore in that manner, because it does do a disservice to us. All of us, but most especially people of color.

    Amazing piece, as always, Carla. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

    • Yes! I was you. I was Sam. And I cannot say it’s wrong if you do not mean to insult hurt or slight (again the royal you) but I also think we then need to be prepared for how others respond when we use the phrase. Is the ability to use it and claim meaning white privilege? Thanks to people you and I know in common online and off I think the answer for me now is YES.

  27. I”m so glad you wrote this. We can’t help but see color. Over time, I’ve given this a lot of thought since I work in this clinic which is more like the melting pot we live in than the image our president-elect would like to portray. Man, that was a long sentence! Anyways, we should acknowledge our similarities in spite of our differences. And embrace our diversity, not avoid it.

    Great topic.

  29. Lisa, your comment hit the nail on the head for me. I am a person of color as well and had a hard time articulating why hearing white people say, “I don’t see color” bothered me so much until I read an article in grad school about racial microaggressions: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/microaggressions-in-everyday-life/201010/racial-microaggressions-in-everyday-life

    The article defines racial microaggresions as “brief and everyday slights, insults, indignities and denigrating messages sent to people of color by well-intentioned White people who are unaware of the hidden messages being communicated.” To be able go through life and not see color is only possible for those people not being judged or treated differently according to their own color.

    Thank you, Carla, for discussing this issue!

    • Thanks so much for sharing this article, too. Ive struggled with this phrase more than ever the past year or so. And keep returning to HOW CAN I OF WHITE SKIN TELL YOU (the royal 🙂 not you-you) THE PHRASE IS OK IF YOU ARE VERY CLEARLY TELLING ME IT IS NOT. I need to hear what youre saying and no matter what I think I mean–shift my semantics.

  30. I kinda like those honest and blunt conversations. I have an acquaintance locally whose husband is from India. She’s very fair with curls and her kids look Indian (unsurprisingly). Another friend is married to a man from Tonga and her kids are giants and with pacific island features. So I suspect they get the ‘where did the colour come from’ question from those who don’t know their partners.

    When I used to work in aid and development and lived overseas I used to send home movies back to my bro, SIL and niece (when she was very little… 3 or 4). And she would ask ‘Why is their skin brown?’ (and ‘Why are they in rags?’) I kinda love that honesty in kids who ask simple questions and think it’s good to give them honest and simple answers… and you so often find they’ll go, “Ok,” and move onto the next thing.

    My niece went to a Montessori primary school and it was very culturally mixed and I loved that she grew up in such an accepting environment. Many of her friends are a range of cultural backgrounds as a result.

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