I cannot stop MUSTurbating.

by

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I MUST travel more with this one.

I have (to give a loving shout out to Albert Ellis) slipped back into the habit of rubbing myself the wrong way.

A woman renown for never MUST’ing herself I’ve slowly returned to a habit I kicked decades ago.

I’m wrapping myself in shoulds whereas, for so long, I’d existed wholly unwrapped.

And I offered the same courtesy to you.

The royal you. The you in my online and offline life.

I acknowledged you were doing the best you could and, if you behaved in a way I didn’t expect, that was fine.

Because, thanks to my lack of projecting shoulds and oughts on you, I didn’t expect anything!

Spoiler alert:

I’m back to musturbating. I’m shoulding all over you.

Before I devolve into an overshare here’s a quick primer on MUSTurbation:

Albert Ellis believed we humans possess whacked out (my words) thinking when it comes to:

  • How I am: e.g. I must always do the right thing and be treated a particular way or it’s catastrophic.
  • How you are: e.g. You must be loving and thoughtful toward me or you suck (again my word).
  • How the world is: e.g. Things must be they way I want them to be or my world is sucky (again, my word.)

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I should get back into yoga.

Now, thankfully the third bullet point isn’t a struggle for me.

I grasp the world is a challenging place. I’ve learned how to handle that and emerge smiling out the other side.

The *I* bullet point? The *You* notion?  Both of those for me are should, ought and must-city these days.

I’m aware “shoulds” and “musts” are a sign I’m pushing myself to do things I’m not entirely sure I want to do.

I’m aware if I was all in! I’d not require rules or guidelines to get myself started.

This return to MUSTurbating is causing me stress and it’s time to stop.

And, as with all things in my life, I assume if I’m struggling then you must be as well.

1. Swap should for a request or preference.

Instead of getting annoyed with someone and saying, “You should have introduced me to your friend. We both love movies!” I’ll make an effort to say, “I wish you’d introduced me to Ellen. We like lots of the same things.”

Instead of the blanket: “You must not give me last minute notice with deadlines because it disrupts everything.”

I’ll rephrase/choose to say: “I’d prefer you either let me know as soon as you receive the deadline or give me a general sense upon assignment.”

2. Shift should, ought, must into “I wish” or “I’d prefer.”

I’m not a fan of the phrase I wish. It’s a personal preference, but it strikes me as stating a want yet being unwilling to work for it (in the same vein as people use being “lucky”).

What has been eye-opening for me is swapping out want or need when Id slipped back into saying should or must.

In the same fashion choosing to say it’s not a priority right now changed my life swapping these words has been a clue to the ways I spend my time which don’t bring me joy.

Some of the things which make me unhappy are obligations—but not all. There are a few, thanks to this word/mind shift, I can now consciously choose to release.

3. Stop predicting future.

I live fully (too fully?) in the present so the realization of this #3 surprised me.

Yet, after consideration, I can see it’s exactly what I’m subconsciously attempting to do each time I use the word: ought.

I’m forcing a sense of obligation upon myself (I ought to go to that networking event. I ought to see if I can work for them.).

I’m attempting to control and predict the future.

I need to pause each time I begin to form that word and remind myself:

Even if things don’t currently look as I’d like them to it doesn’t mean they won’t improve.

Oakland running festival

I ought to do more cardio.

MUSTurbation hurts in healthy living (I must not each sugar for 30 days because I’m doing a challenge!).

MUSTurbation is a harmful mindset for parenting (my child should know to come home and immediately do her homework.).

MUSTurbation is detrimental to relationships (my partner ought to know my love language is cucumbers.).

I’m done MUSTurbating and shoulding all over myself.

For real and final this time.

And you?

  • Are you a MUSTurbator? Have you accidentally created a life defined by rules?
  • How might you shed your shoulds, musts and oughts?

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Comments

  1. I have so many shoulds in my life right now.
    I’m beginning to wonder if they are rules that I’m using to limit my life.

  2. So grateful for this reminder!!! I catch myself a lot of times should-ing all over the kids but I need to do it with myself as well. Especially as I charge full force into a free, easy, breezy summer (yes, I will!!!) I will stop MUST-ing…at least until September 🙂

  3. I am spending way too much time right now trying to control the future. I am making myself crazy with all the shoulds. Thank you for the reality check, I need it.

  4. This is probably my favorite Carla post of all time! Musturbating used to rule my life. I grew up with a mom who “musts” and “shoulds” all the time. She even likes to tell me how I “must”do, even tho I’m 55. I’ve learned that there’s no controlling life so I’m just along for the ride.

  5. As I’ve gotten older and made my way out of the freefall of losing everything seven years ago, I am far less prone to musts and far more open to allowing life to unfold as it will. Working for yourself helps, but can also lead to manufactured pressures. It’s good to check in and evaluate your trajectory and your perspective regularly. Great food for thought!

  6. A very entertaining way to address what’s a big issue for so many of us. For me, the word “should” is always a red flag requiring some mindfulness.

  7. musts and shoulds have given me a full and vibrant (and successful) career and life. Don’t regret all the “have tos” I have imposed on myself over the years as it has it’s rewards when one retires!

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